wmu-cedes

[wmu-cedes]

He was crying, and her heart physically hurt to see it. She had made him cry, or at the very least was a very large factor in the reasoning behind the tears in his eyes. If she could take everything back, somehow cut herself out of his life, perhaps she would do it. Causing Cody pain was never something she intended to do, but unfortunately it ended up happening anyways.

"This part of you that says you're no good... That's screaming at you. What is it saying? What is it claiming that you are? Because to me, you're nothing but goodness. Sure, you make me wanna do my head in sometimes." She stated with a slight chuckle, gingerly reaching up to dry his cheek with her thumb. "But you're funny, and kind. You're passionate about things, and those you care about. You're a huge ass dork, and despite the fact that you're scared about certain things, you still face them. That's brave as hell, and you're not giving yourself enough credit."

Mercedes took a step closer to him, their bodies brushing. "I'm not saying we need to be official, but let me help you see yourself the way I do. You owe yourself at least that, Cody."

Cody's breath seemed to get shakier by the second. His lips trembling that strongly that not even the force of him biting down on it could hide it. His eyes glanced down to the feeling of her hand on his. A small voice inside his head commanding him to pull away, to put space in-between them, and to push her away fully so he wouldn't have to face the realities of what he was feeling, and what it could all mean. To be that open with someone, to not be fully in control.

To be with Mercedes meant exposing everything that he liked to hide from the world. Cody had always danced with a darkness inside him for years on end now. He didn't know where it came from, but it began to show it's impact when he was a teenager. And it stopped him from ever feeling truly happy, no matter what he chased after in life.

"I don't," he replied softly to her question, somewhat ashamed. Sure he knew love - he felt it in the way he treated his friends, his grandmother, his brother, his work. But to be in love? That was a foreign concept to him. And at his own fault. He had pushed every person away previously who tried to connect with him in that way. A part of him, his inner child, blamed his parents for that. For having a loveless relationship full of arguing and conflict. He'd be damned if he ever found himself in a relationship like that, so he never tried to begin with.

As Mercedes spoke, a tear from his eye dropped down leaving a wet outline on his cheek. She was right. He did punish himself, day in and day out he punished himself. And for no reason as well other than he just didn't think he was deserving for anything good, so whenever something good came along he destroyed it. He didn't want to destroy Mercedes.

"I'm trying," Cody finally spoke, his voice cracking. "I don't know how to navigate this, Mercedes. A part of my brain knows I'm safe with you but the other, overpowering part is screaming that I'm no good, that I need to get as far away from you as possible so you don't need to deal with everything I am. I'm trying to separate the damaging voice from the reality of who I am but I'm worried I can't."

[wmu-cedes]

That boy scares me with some of the things that come out of his mouth, I won't lie. But no babe, it's not a TikTok trend, and you're still young, don't you worry. Of course I would, why wouldn't I? I'm gonna go over in two weeks for a BBQ if you wanna come with? You're too cute, Frannie.

Matching sweats? Sign me up. Lord knows I need to get out more. What time are you gonna be dragging me outta bed, miss thing?

Is this another TikTok trend that I need to catch up with again? Because, honestly, after my conversation with Jacob over Spring Break...I definitely feel a lot older than I actually am, mentally. You'd really want to introduce me to your momma, 'Cedes? Because you have no idea how much I would love that - as long as I wouldn't be intruding, of course. I'm sure if she's anything like you, she's going to be such a fantastic lady.

We can totally speed walk and take various breaks here and there, don't worry. The Cheerios were surprisingly quite reluctant. I think the idea of doing any extra athletics outside of practice is a little exhausting to some of them, so I'd love it if you'd like to join me. Perhaps if it becomes a regular thing we could even wear watching sweats or something so we can matchy matchy.

[wmu-cedes]

That's me to a T. I've got like three assignments due on Friday and I haven't even started one of 'em. I vote we all stage a walkout. If they're gonna pay for us to go on a boujie ass trip, they can withhold homework for a week or something.

Girl, it's not just you. Getting up and going to class has been such a struggle this week. I don't think I did any work at all though. It was just too painful.

[wmu-cedes]

Mercedes could count on one hand the amount of 'out of body' experinces she'd had in her short life. Yet nothing came close to how she was feeling in that moment. Her heart was in her chest, thudding away too quick to be healthy, and yet her stomach was doing flips. Her body couldn't tell if she was meant to be elated or scared. Her hands shook, and she crossed her arms around her chest so that Cody wouldn't be able to tell. He loved her. He. loved. Her. Cody. The man who she had assumed would push her away and never want to see her again loved her.

Yet, his words confused her further. He wanted her, but he didn't. He was scared to let her in.

Three short steps forward and she was closer to him than she had been since entering his room. The vulnerability on his features har her heart clenching and a fresh batch of tears rolling down her cheeks. "You don't get to decide what's fair for me, Cody. Only I can." she began, voice shaky.

How could she assure him that she was his, that him pushing her away wouldn't change that. That she would always love him no matter the void, or the darkness. "You know what love is, Cody?" She let out, tentatively reaching out to put her hand on his.

"It's a choice, an active choice to love someone. Not in spite of their flaws, or their darkness, or voids. It's to love them with those in mind. To tend to them, to take care of them." She licked her lips and glanced at her hand on his.

"We could be amazing if you only let me in. i want to love every part of you. I know it's scary. It's fucking terrifying to be vulnerable, but you owe it to yourself to at least try. Why punish yourself and deny yourself something that makes you happy?"

Cody let out a shaky breath as he watched Mercedes start to crumble across from him. His hands were placed back together at this point, nervously playing with each finger, picking each finger nail to distract from the aching lump in his throat. As Mercedes stepped back, Cody stepped forwards towards her. It wasn't only a step towards Mercedes but it felt like he had taken a step out his own skin, like he was trying to push by dark, self-deprecating thoughts that held him back from ever being completely vulnerable.

"You don't think I feel the same?" He questioned, his lips trembling with the words of truth. "Don't you think that I've been driving myself crazy since we got home? I've not had a minutes piece from the indecisive battles in my head that no amount of sleep, or alcohol, or flirting with other people can quieten. Fuck, it is so fucking irritating that I can't block you out, Cedes. No matter what I do, you are at the core of my soul."

The words spoken was the first time he had openly admitted his feelings to someone out loud, it was the first time he had admitted to himself that his feelings for Mercedes were deeper than he ever made out. And it was terrifying. Especially when he believed that he was no good for her. That the mess of his thoughts and his own life was too much to handle, and that he could never let anyone be victim to his own ways when he couldn't understand himself at times.

"You don't want to love me, Cedes. I'm a mess. I have this.." He stopped, trying to look for the word to perfectly portray the darkness he felt inside him. That he had always felt but was more present in his every day life these days. "I have this void inside of me. It's not fair for you to have to deal with that, to deal with me. It's not what you want or need. And I think you just need to learn that I'm probably not the guy you think you're in love with."

[wmu-cedes]

I know I'm sure as hell not gonna be. I think it's actually the summer break, which is painful to think about. I think we all need to prioritize self care until then, or there might just be a riot.

Just wait until finals hit -- none of us are gonna be ready, at this rate. God, when even is our next break, anyway? Is it a straight dead run all the way up until summer break at this point? I don't know if any of us will survive, in that case.

[wmu-cedes]

Her brows furrowed as Cody spoke, plump lips parting slightly. She hadn't meant anything by the comment she'd made, just figuring she would throw the notion out there, yet his reaction spoke volumes. "Cody..." She began, only to pause as he continued. Every word that left his perfect lips cut her. Like a window had shattered right in front of her.

Her body practically ached to step forward, to take his face in her hands and make him look her in the eye. So that he could see that she was his. That she always would be, but Cody was scared. Mercedes wasn't dumb enough to ignore that, or put her own emotions to the forefront.

"I didn't mean it like that., I meant it in terms of you and I not being together." She replied finally, shaking her head a little. Mercedes took a step back, fingers biting into her flesh beneath the fabric of her sweater. "I will always be yours. Even when you're icing me out, or when you're sleeping with other people." Her voice wavered and she realized tears had sprung into her eyes.

"I've been yours since we first met, Cody. I wouldn't be here if I didn't ca- No." Quickly, she covered her face, taking a moment to breathe. If she was going to lose him, really lose him. She might as well tell him the truth. Lay it bare, despite the fact that she felt that he knew. Even if it was subconciously.

"I wouldn't be here if I didn't love you, if I wasn't in love with you. Being away from you wouldn't hurt as much if my feelings were less." Her hands dropped and her gaze settled on his countenance. "You don't have to say it back, I'm not expecting you to. Hell, I don't even think you feel the same - which is fine... I just need you to know that despite the fucking pain that this past week has brought me, that I'm here because I'm fighting for you. For us - whatever 'us' is. I always will."

His jaw tightened at her question. His head slanted to the side, eyes narrowing as he tried to read her. Breathe, he reminded himself as he realised he had been holding the air in his lungs since she mentioned about not being his anymore. The question felt like it had pierced his skin and the wound was bleeding all his vulnerabilities out in the open in front of them both.

"If you're not mine then what exactly are we doing here? If this is your way of admitting you're finally over me then why are we even bothering with this? Cause realistically if you're over me like you're hinting then we don't need to have this conversation and we can go back to just kissing whoever the fuck we want?" He said calmly, refusing to allow any hint of emotion to be expressed in his face or body language.

The way the conversation was going wasn't how he had planned their encounter to go. Heck, texting with Frannie earlier actually made him think about coming clean about how he was truly feeling towards Mercedes. That he couldn't picture himself getting with anyone else. Something that had never been felt before. But with what Mercedes said about not being his anymore, the want to do so left within milliseconds.

"But if that's how you're feeling and you're not mine, you also coulda let me know before or on Spring Break, or did you feel it before then? Cause you certainly didn't seem to be over me when we came back here and spent that night together."

[wmu-cedes]

All week she'd been battling herself. Torn between feeling sadness, shame, guilt and anger. The odd time there was even happiness that maybe she could use all the stupidity transpiring between them to smarten up, to get over him. Yet that just lead herself into that vicious cycle again. She didn't have to say sorry, but obviously her actions had struck something within him, something that it appeared Cody wasn't aware of.

Her fingers cluched tightly to the fabric of her sweater, needing to hold onto something to ground herself. She wasn't ready for the conversation they were about to have. Not because she was afraid of what her emotions were, but because of what his were. Cody cared for her, that much was evident. Otherwise he wouldn't have gone through so much hassle on the night they went out. Nor would the kiss have affected him so much.

'But I can't do what I want can I?' she thought to herself. The one time she did, it had hurt him, and hurt her. The kiss hadn't meant anything, and yet it had thrown a wrench between the two of them. "Was it the kiss itself, or the idea that I might not be yours anymore?" She questioned, her voice small.

"Becuase I'm gonna be honest with you, the way that kiss made you feel, is how I feel when I see you flirting with other people Cody. It fucks me up every damn time, but I bite my tongue because we're not together." She paused then, looking up at him. "I'm not saying any of this to guilt you into something 'cause we both know you're not ready for that. I just... I need you to know that I understand where you're at, how confusing it is."

"You don't need to say sorry. Realistically you've done nothing wrong," Cody replied, positioning both his hands behind his back. His hands clasped in a way that he could twist his ring around his finger. The motion keeping his thoughts somewhat on track.

The flashback gushed it's way through Cody's mind. He was suddenly back in Mexico. Watching the kiss happen again. The reliving of it made him wince. He'd spent the last few days sitting. Pondering. Trying to figure out why he reacted in such a negative way when he had been doing the exact same.

"I don't know, Cedes." He finally broke the silence. His eyes dropped to the floor as he battled an intense feeling of shame. You could sit Cody down in a spare room and he'd find conversation somehow. He could talk the ears off anyone and everyone. People hating him for how often he speaks. But here he was. Speechless. Unable to fully explain how exactly he was feeling.

"You can do what you want. I don't want you thinking you can't," Cody said further. A sigh collapsed his posture. He went from a confident stance to a somewhat submissive posture. "I'm trying to be open with everything that I'm feeling right now. I'm sorry. It's like a constant," he paused, his hands now motioning circles. "I feel like I'm constantly just trying to figure out what I'm thinking and everything is 100mph. And it's just hard." His hands were shaking from trying to voice how he was feeling. "I just think the kiss took me off guard."

[wmu-cedes]

Private: 2 years would be a long time, I don't think I could do that. It'd take the fun outta it. That's good at least! It'd be hell if it was the opposite, though.

I somehow think that something will get out, but I'm not sure what. It'd be a little weird if nothing came out, you know?

I've just been busy with classes and throwing myself into work. I gotta work so many hours this week to make up for being gone last week, it's annoying.

Private: Sorta feeling more along the lines of 2 years... hahaha I don't think I have it in me to take a 2 year break. Probably a week into the whole thing I'll be at some job bringing in $$$. They're okay. The good thing with Spring Break is my teachers took things easy. So it wasn't a huge mental drain.

Oh, I know. It's weird right? I thought high school was bad enough with the whole rumor mill. Curious if anything will come out about what happened in Mexico or it'll be like the whole Vegas motto.

What you been up to? Feel like I got sucked into a mini vortex there the last 24hrs.

[wmu-cedes]

Her brows rose slightly at the omission. So he hadn't been planning on inviting her over... It'd be a spur of the moment thing. Part of her was torn between being relieved and upset about that fact. Like he hadn't taken the time to think too in depth about what he wanted with her and just acted impulsively.

The air between them was stagnant for once. It wasn't as charged as it normally was, and it caused her stomach to flip. Mercedes was used to there being an underlying tension between them that was palpable, but that was gone. She pursed her lips and nodded slowly, taking in what he'd said.

"I'm sorry too." She let out softly, brown eyes falling to her feet. "I-" Her mouth closed, as did her eyes. "I just gotta know why. I get that I kissed someone but I didn't think you -" her words failed her again and she let out a loud breath, her brown eyes rising to rest on him once more.

Maybe if she cared for him less it would be easier to talk about.

"Yeah." Cody cleared his throat as he shut the door behind him. Unsure of the current dynamic between them both, he chose to keep his distance and leaned against the wall next to the door. "I'm not gonna lie I didn't really think I was gonna invite you over but I'm trying to be less stubborn cause I know it's not fair on you."

The way he was looking at her was different from the previous time she was in here. The look of desire had turned to an intense gaze of guilt. He knew he had to speak up. His mouth opened to say something but shut even quicker. Running a hand through his hair, he was looking to keep his hands occupied so he wouldn't come across as nervous as he was. But a poor attempt was being made.

"I'm sorry," Cody finally blurted out. His hands falling to his side but both were clenched into a ball. The tension in his body fully visible. "For just going radio silent."

[wmu-cedes]

You've never heard of that!? Well, I'm happy to give you a new term, boo. She is, you should come over and meet her some time. She'll try and adopt you, no doubt. Girl, sure. I'm down to try anything. We can be each others accountability buddies when it comes to coffee. Smoothies are probably a much better option.

Anytime you want babe, you just let me know. A morning running club? I'm not a runner, but I can walk pretty fast for someone with short legs. Though, I dunno if I'd be fast enough to keep up with the Cheerios.

Hopped up? That's definitely an expression I've never heard of it before and I'm mildly obsessed with it. Your momma sounds like such a cutie. Do you need a friend-tervention here where we both support each other off the coffee addiction? Maybe turning to something a little less awful for our majestic bodies? Smoothies, perhaps?

Thank you, Mercedes. You know I'd always love spending time with you. I'm actually trying to convince some of the cheerio's at the moment to try and start a morning running club because my goodness, are the approaching summer mornings beautiful. Do you like running at all? Or even just brisk walking?

[wmu-cedes]

The minute the door opened and she saw him, Mercedes felt her breath hitch. They seemed to consistently be in position in which they were left feeling horrible, not talking, and looking at one another through vulnerable eyes. It wasn't healthy, that was apaprent to both of them she was sure, and yet no matter how much she tried to stay away, she couldn't. Cody had a peice of her, and she reckoned he always would. So, seeing the tired look in his eyes, and his dishevelled hair made the pang of guilt that had been plaguing her all week vibrate a little, and her brows furrowed for a second at the slight ache in her chest.

"I uh... I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little surprised you told me to come over." She admitted, taking a step into Cody's dorm. Just a few weeks ago they'd been having a similar conversation, and shortly after that they'd fallen into bed together. His bed. Which seemed to be staring at her from the corner, mocking her.

An involuntary shiver ran through her and Mercedes looked back at him.

Cody knew that he had been acting out of line. That he was being a hypocrite - a label that he utterly detested with his whole being. Being fed the taste of his own medicine had spiralled him into a week of avoidance and self-sabotage. His recents mornings were filled with hungover spewing, only for him to chase the cause again at night.

He was glancing down at his phone. His screen lit with him and Mercedes' text conversation. He didn't think before sending the 'come over' text and now he was panicking internally. He didn't really know what he was going to say, what was going to go down. But he knew that he needed to see her. He had missed her. And the backlog of saved notes on his phone storing never sent admissions of feelings he held towards her got longer each night.

As the door went, Cody took a deep breath as he pushed himself off his bed. The bed where they had shared that night together. Since he had gotten home from Mexico it was like the bed wasn't as comfortable as it was before he went. Leading to lack of sleep unless inebriated. His hair was ruffled and the bags underneath his eyes were becoming more prominent with each day. He looked like shit.

His hand shook as he reached for the door - it was unknown if the shaking was due to the alcohol from the night before or if it was the nerves of what was about to come as he knew a level of vulnerability was crucial. His teeth bit forcefully down on his lip as he finally opened the door. His tense shoulders in a way relaxed when his eyes fell onto Mercedes. Even in times of chaos she still somehow calmed him.

"Hey," Cody greeted her, a forced smile on his face. "Come in."

[wmu-cedes]

I'm not gonna throw one, but I'll definitely come if you throw one? Hell no baby. I think people would love a party, it'd probably help them chill out a bit since coming back home.

No more fancy cocktails with sick colors and little umbrellas, no authentic Mexican food, cold ass weather...yeah, this is hell. Buttttt, to fill the void in all of our lives, since I doubt the school can afford another badass vacation, I was thinkin' of throwing a party, or convincing somebody else to. 'Cause personally, I think a nice rager would rejuvenate my soul, but maybe I'm just crazy. Do you think people are too busy tryna recover from all the dancing and drinking they did last week to do it all again for a night?

[wmu-cedes]

It is, I won't even lie. My mama called me the other day and she said I sounded like I was hopped up on something, thank goodness she's understanding to my coffee usage though. I feel like it's been a little fast towards the end, but the beginning was annoyingly slow. Though, I'll blame that on the trip. Hold up, hosting a birthday party? Who's party? Is it yours?! Classes are going fine, I'm a bit stressed with the work right now but that'll pass.

I love to see it babe, if you need someone to hang and potentially drink with let me know.

Four? Oh gosh, Mercedes. Your brain must be a constant, hyper buzz all of the time with that much caffeine swimming around. A month sounds do-able, although this month absolutely feels as though it's dragging, don't you think? My research projects are going great, thank you! I'm a little distracted lately with the idea of hosting a birthday party, though, so I don't think my brain has been as concentrated as it normally is. How are your classes going?

It was a nice week to spend time with friends and relax a little. You know, as much as I aimed to drink while we were out there, I didn't actually consume that much alcohol in the end. Something tells me I'll have to make up for that over the next month or so.

[wmu-cedes]

'It's nobody important'

That three word sentence had been haunting her for almost a week. Then again, so had the cold tone of Cody's voice. Mexico had been great, until it wasn't. Things had been fine, she'd been having fun. Things with Cody seemed to be progressing in a way that gave Mercedes even a glimmer of hope that he might feel the same about her... And then she'd kissed someone, and all hell had broken loose. Cody had froze her out. Again. Just like he always did. The irony about it was that she only did what he was guilty of doing. It hadn't been a cognitive decision to make out with someone else, it had just happened, and she'd felt horrible the moment it happened. The punishment from Cody was the icing on the proverbial cake.

to say she was nervous to see him again was an understatement. Her body practically vibrated with anxiety at the thought of seeing him again, but she had to. That was the awful thing about loving someone. No matter how much she didn't want to see him, to relive the pain again - she had to. They owed one another that at least.

Mercedes steps slowed, her brown eyes on her phone again, seeing his text message. He was sure. He wanted her to see him. At least that was something, right?

With a deep sigh, Mercedes pocketed her phone and knocked on Cody's dorm room door, praying silently that whatever awaited her wasn't going to break her heart any further.

[wmu-cedes]

Mercedes: You sure?

CODY: Come over.

[wmu-cedes]

Girl, same. I normally had one or two coffees a day before we left, now i'm up to four. And that is so not good for someone as short as I am. I'm giving myself a month before i get back into the swing of things, but that month is gonna be hell. How are your research projects going?

It was good, I enjoyed it. I definitely could have gone without drinking as much as I did, but it was a week in paradise. How'd you like it boo?

One million percent, yes! Trying to settle back into the normal routine of gym, cheerleading, library sessions, classes, extra classes, additional research projects AND maintaining a social life has been overwhelming. My brain has been drinking far too much coffee for my liking.

How was your Spring Break, Mercedes? We can still reminisce about good times, even once they're over.

[wmu-cedes]

I might have to sell a kidney, but lowkey that sounds amazing. You gonna island hop over there?

Oh, babe, I’ve already planned out my entire summer vacation. The minute school ends, I’m hopping a flight to Greece and no one’s going to hear from me for the next three months. I’ll save you a plane ticket though if you decide to join me.