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the intimacy of being understood.

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lost in a world of forgotten books

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Everything I do, every thought, every event or object I come across, I think of others.

If it's an interest of someone I know and care about, I'd make the connection right away.

Something interesting relating to dice and D&D? I'm sending the post or noting a gift idea down for this one friend. Sanrio characters? Oh a few friends love those. Quirky and weird chocolate flavours? Yes that friend would love these.

It comes natural to me and it's my love language, I share posts and send gifts relating to your interest.

And yet, I'm left wondering if I expect too much of others because I have never had anyone reciprocate that same love language to me. Am I really asking for too much?

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I am so tired of having to ask for "help" with cooking and chores, because it shouldn't be "help" in the first place. If an activity is done between multiple people, there's no "helping" each other apart from maybe grabbing the ingredients from the top shelf.

When I do ask for help, apparently it's too difficult and you'd ask if it can be done later. So why are you asking "what do you want me to do", like I'm supposed to think of things easy enough for you? And so I cooked and did chores alone because fuck taking on extra emotional labour.

And at some point in the future, you'd say "you're too good for me", "I don't deserve this" or "I know you did all the chores in the house, thank you", like that can't be changed?? Or how many times I've asked for gifts and there not being one, then going "sorry I should've prepared better". How can someone be self-aware but not change at all.

The only answer I can think of, is that they don't care. And it fucking sucks cus I have so much love to give and it just feels like the love is hitting a brick wall and I get nothing back.

Perhaps I need to learn not to settle, but I guess that's easier said than done cus I keep giving them more chances and tries, thinking surely they'll learn one day, things can't change overnight...right?

You know, one day if this relationship fails, I'm not dating amab people anymore unless they have showed me 200% above bare minimum. Because I have not met one amab person, no matter their current gender identity, without the same base issues. Hell I probably could give up on dating entirely, I'd rather learn to live alone than be miserable AND have to take care of someone else cus like, the place gets extra messy when they're around.

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“every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future” - Oscar Wilde

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starry eyed

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dreaming of a gothic Christmas

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In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer.

— Albert Camus

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Sleep is my lover now, my forgetting, my opiate, my oblivion.

ig credit: adventuringbeth.

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I'm a slave to my emotions, to my likes, to my hatred of boredom, to most of my desires.

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

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𝔞𝔰 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔣𝔬𝔤 𝔯𝔬𝔩𝔩𝔰 𝔦𝔫…

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Tyntesfield by wordyelaine.

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ig credit: acalmwalk

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do you ever think you want to receive more love,

but then doubt whether you deserve it in the first place?

I feel so self-centered wanting to receive more love and effort from others in our relationship/friendships, but at the same time I just feel so...taken advantage of by always giving and seldom receiving