winterstormgoddess

[winterstormgoddess]

Creating Community in the Messiness: Soul Tavern

A year ago, for the first time in my life, I was lonely. I wasn’t alone, I had a roommate, I had family that lived in the city, I was in a relationship, but something significant was missing. Last year was complicated enough, no one really tells you how difficult the first year out of college is, and then you add on moving across the country from your family, tragedy, injury, a new job, a new relationship, hormonal imbalances, anxiety attacks, first winters. Good lord it was a lot.

College is life with training wheels. Everyone is in one confined area for ultimately the same purpose, to learn, make friends, and have a damn good time. That being said, everyones college experience is different but for me - thats what it was, a damn good time.I met my best friends within the first week and god love them they stuck with me the whole way through. I went from living in a dorm to living with 5 girls, I saw at least 15 people I knew every single day and I never once was lonely.

Then you graduate, and for me there was no option other than to dive in head first to the ocean that is New York City. I was done being in my comfort zone, I wanted challenge, I wanted new, I wanted exciting, and I wanted to grow. Be careful what you wish for, and then do it anyway.

I am not going to waste your time detailing the ups and downs and backs and forths of last year, the likelihood is if you’re reading this you probably know me and already know about it all.  What I am going to tell you about is what and who was my saving grace, in hopes that maybe when loneliness, fear, and newness hits you like a ton of bricks you might be able to use my experience as a guide.

I have always been surrounded by women, as long as I can remember. I guess I was born into that type of thing, my mom had many a women’s circle before I was born coming together to bless unborn me with their feminine magic. I would like to think that I have a pretty good picker when it comes to friends and when I find my people, I hang on to them. Last year, was the first time in my entire life that I didn’t have a community, and for lack of a better phrase, it fucking sucked.

I was being picky, I didn’t want to create friends out of desperation. I had criteria, and I was not going to settle. In many ways, I am pickier with my friends than I am with the men I date (thats something to unpack on a later date) but I think it is really because of what I said above, when I find my people, they’re mine for life. I can’t tell you how many times I heard “come on, why don’t you just come “out” with us and meet people at this pregame”

haha, NO.  

So I did the things you’re supposed to do to make friends in a big city, found a yoga studio I loved, I did work at coffee shops, said hi to people on the subway. As a natural extrovert this stuff wasn’t hard to do, but it also wasn’t really working. I found a friend here and there, but what I realized quickly is that there is a difference between friendship and community.

I wanted people who I could talk about my anxiety with, people who liked to go out and dance their asses off but also wanted to stay in and cuddle on a Friday night while watching the presidential debates, I wanted people who were going to accept me as the sensitive, emotional, sometimes controlling, person that I am. Basically I wanted dynamite, and I found it.

In the midst of being on a  break with my boyfriend - which is what happens when your loneliness causes you to expect your significant other to be your lover, your parent, your best friend, and your punching bag all at once especially when they’re a 23 year old dude who also is still trying to figure they’re own shit out- I decided I was done with the waiting and wishing.

I sent a group chat to every girl I knew in the city. The text said this:

Hi sweet friends of mine.

I've been thinking about doing this for some time now and have decided that now is that time. With work and teaching and being in a relationship and just the overall nuttiness of life finding and continuously holding on to community has been hard. Some weeks I make plans with as many of u as I can and some weeks I see no one and that's just how it goes but it feels like part of what makes me feel whole, strong female connection needs to be a bigger part of my life. I know living in this city and trying to do it all can be wildly overwhelming, so I hope this invitation will come as a nice little surprise to you as well.

I've decided to start a weekly community night - a night where we can eat together, drink if we'd like, but mostly just talk and build real intentional connection. I have intentionally texted each one of you slightly selfishly because you're the people I really want to see in any given week but also because I want this to be an open space for real, honest conversation and support and I value each one of your voices and your hearts. I am setting the intention to do this every week, and there is no pressure to show up, who ever shows up shows up, but it will always be a space that is open to each one of you and I will always be there!

So starting next Tuesday from 7- 10 pm. I'll be holding space at my house for some girl time, some food, and lots of love. Come if you can ❤️

This was the start of something really fucking beautiful.

I texted 12 people. The first week there were 4 people, then those 4 people brought people and on and on. Over a matter of weeks a group of 14 women who barely knew each other were suddenly coming together every week to share parts of our souls- and that is where the name came from. Soul Tavern Tuesday.

Hannah, a California transplant in NYC who was brought to us by Simone one of my nearest and dearest from college, went to theatre school and had a professor who would hold “soul tavern” nights where students would come together to check in and share some type of poetry or art. We immediately attached this to Tuesday and decided STT had a damn good ring to it. We also co-opted the format - we started doing a round of wins, thanks to Sarah, a bright light of a human I met at the yoga studio who’s favorite question to ask people is “what are your wins of the day” and then we would do shares, people brought poetry, songs, stories, photos, books anything and everything you could think of.

Every week I was blown away by the magic that happened when I chose to connect and dive in with these women, even after a shitty day at work, an anxiety attack, a fight with a significant other, being in a circle of people who listened, who loved with their whole hearts and bodies and who accepted me no matter what was and is the most transformative experience.

In April we decided to go on a trip. My wedding planner in another life self made an itinerary, we found an rental property upstate, found cars to drive, and set out on a weekend with 14 women, none of us knowing what would come of it. When I say it was the best weekend of my life so far, I really mean it. The intentionality around our interactions with each other, the way that we love each other, the way we listen to each other, and the way we create space for each person to be their own individual self, allowed each of us to feel perfectly comfortable and free to both talk about hard shit, and dance our asses off after 4 margaritas until 3 am.

Now this isn’t to say we haven’t run into conflict, hurt feelings, insecurities, judgement, etc, but because our friendship, our community, was started with intention. The intention being to love each other without judgement, to show up, to be honest, we are able to face those conflicts with care and continue to grow and hold space for each other through it all.

Tavern is still every Tuesday, my friendships with these women, my sisters, is 7 days of the week. I am never lonely, even when I am alone because I know that I have them, I know that they’ve got me.

So when you find yourself facing newness, loneliness, or whatever it is, remember that you are a product of who you surround yourself with and beyond that you are in control of who those people are, so do something brilliant with that power. Take the time, create the spaces, send the texts, even when you have a million reasons not to.

I got into grad school this year, I faced an injury, heartbreak, tragedy, I spoke in front of hundreds of students, but this community is the thing I am the most proud of, because I know that no matter what happens in my life, those experiences are fleeting and these people are forever.

[winterstormgoddess]

To my 14 year old self in my 23 year old body.

9 years ago you, as a confident, loud, unafraid 14 year old downloaded formspring - an anonymous platform where people could ask you questions and leave comments.

The first anonymous comment/question that came your way was “if you put a bag over your head every guy would think you were the hottest girl at school” 

..... 

then came, “your ass is the best part about you”

it went on, and on. 

at 14 you, with your huge smile and your soulful brown eyes began to believe that your value was defined by the place where shit exits your body.  

You began to internalize this message, you began to feed off of it. You bought the tightest skirts from American Apparel, you walked around the football field in your spandex after dance class. You learned to love the attention your body was getting, it was better than no attention at all, right?

So in fear of losing the attention, you accepted being a piece of ass before you were anything else. You've got the “body of a goddess,” you know how to dress to accentuate it. Your peers are in the depth of that adolescent hatred for their changing bodies, you feel lucky that you love your body, you feel lucky that other people love your body. 

8 years ago you got a boyfriend. He doesn't make you feel strong or brilliant, he doesn't tell you that your thoughts matter but he always reminds you how hot you are, and that forms what you expect in relationships.

You learn to take comments and advances on your body as compliments. You smile when boys sign your yearbook with “I loved sitting behind you in class ;) 

You go to college, your guy friends grab your butt at parties as a joke, you laugh. You own the nicknames, the comments, and the attention. I love my ass, you say, I am PROUD of it. 

Of all the things YOU have to be proud of. 

You mask it with feminism, with self love, with an ownership of your sexuality.

1 year ago, you move to a city in which you walk everywhere. You lose two family members. You experience your first freezing winter hibernation. Your foot gets run over by a car and you are unable to walk, exercise, eat normally. You turn 23 and your baby fat that has kept you held and safe begins to leave you in your adult form. Your world turns upside down, on its side, back to center. Your heart changes, your body follows. 

you stand in front of the mirror and instead of looking at the way your eyes have filled with love, the way your cheekbones have found their place on your face, the way your smile has widened, how straight and strong you stand, you turn around and ask yourself, is it gone? Is my ass gone? the first compliment I ever received from a boy was about my ass, what if it goes away?

You work full time as a speaker and facilitator, speaking to young people about how valuable their voices are. You teach yoga, you create spaces for people to move their beautiful bodies that help them to move through this earth. You see beauty as strength, intelligence, grace, empathy. You know your value, you are confident in your strength, in your intelligence, in your purpose. 

Yet, when you looked in the mirror today, you scrolled through your 14 year old formspring in your head. 

The comments, the unwanted advances, the idea that your body belonged to those who watched you walk away. It all came back. 

You are angry, you are confused, why is this happening now? 

Your 14 year old self is begging you to see her. So you do, and you say. 

My love. 

I am so fucking sorry I downloaded formspring. 

I am sorry I didn’t stand up for you. 

I am sorry I didn't focus on your voice being heard more than your ass being seen. 

I am sorry that I allowed men to compliment your body as a way into your heart. 

I am sorry I didn’t see the damage earlier. 

I am sorry that you were hurt by the bullshit culture you live in that sexualizes and diminishes young women - I am sorry that those young boys grew up thinking that your flesh was theirs to comment on. I hope they have checked themselves.

I am sorry for all of the times that you were called sexy and hot, before you were called brilliant and kind.

I am sorry that you have felt that you couldn't be all of the things at once.

It is ok that this hurts right now. Change hurts. 

I know you are thinking that this is the last thing that matters right now considering the WORLD IS ON FIRE - you cant fix everything before bed, but you can love yourself to sleep.

You’re not alone you know?

You are 23. Your body is yours, it is fucking amazing, love it well. You are learning about yourself every single day, As you begin to understand and explore the layers of your past and your body and mind begin to let go of the layers you don’t need anymore, know that I have your back. When it hurts, I am here. When you feel proud, I will be cheering for you. As you build new narratives, as you grow new roots I’ll be holding your hand. 

xo,

J

[winterstormgoddess]

I got it from my mama

When I was young I used to get so annoyed with all of my mom’s sayings. 

“Your sayings don't make sense mom” I would say. I didn't understand why she couldn't just explain them, but now I know that she was giving me magical golden nuggets to hold with me always. 

So many times when giving advice to a friend or loved one I catch myself reciting her words. Her sayings have become gospel to me, they are the foundation for so much of what I share with others. Today is mother’s day, and as I was thinking about how to pay tribute to my queen of a mother I decided what better way than to write out some of the words that have saved me and held me in so many moments, maybe they will hold you too. 

Trust in the process of life unfolding, she says. This one used to really bug me because I am a planner by nature and the whole idea of letting go and trusting the universe wasn't my favorite, but there have been so many moments that I have recited this phrase to myself to bring myself to a place of peace and acceptance. Trust in the process of life unfolding exactly the way it is supposed to, every moment, every hardship is meant to teach you something, no experience is worthless. Trust that you are on a path that is leading you somewhere no matter how lost you might feel in a given moment. 

Rejection is protection and direction, she says. This one was a frequent flyer throughout my teen years. I am pretty sure the first time it was used was when I got rejected from the middle school I wanted to go to. It was said in the midst of many breakups, when I didn't get the role of Jasmine in the 8th grade play of Alladin, when I got rejected from the college I thought I wanted to go to, and definitely was used in a few more heartbreaks. I was the best damn Iago the Parrot anyone had ever seen, every heartbreak absolutely was for the best, and the college I ended up at brought me the best friends in the world, my current boyfriend, gave me the chance to be a yoga teacher, helped me solidify my passions and on and on. No matter how devastating the rejection feels it is protecting you from something that wasn't meant for you and directing you towards something better. 

Hurting people hurt people, she says. This is a tough one. My mother is as empathetic as a saint. She sees the good in people, and even when you think they should not be forgiven she forgives them. Forgiveness holds the world together, she would say. When you are angry at someone for hurting you, challenge that anger and try to shift into a place of empathy. Often, when someone hurts you it has nothing to do with you, it has to do with their pain and they lash out because of it. If you can feel love and empathy for that pain, you let go of emotions that are weighing you down, you let go of self doubt, you let go of anger.

Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the person you hate to die, she says. I guarantee this idea will be a revelation for anyone who has hated someone and wondered why they haven't been able to get over it. The anger and resentment that is meant for whatever fucker messed with you begins to weigh you down to the point where the only person who is feeling the daggers you're trying to throw is you. The greatest revenge is to love yourself enough to let go of negativity and resentment.

Its not over till its over till its over till its over, she says. It is really easy to get frustrated with friends who don't leave a toxic relationship or cant let go of a situation that clearly hurts their heart. From the outside looking in we want to scream at them “GET OUT” because it seems so clear to us, but it isn't clear to them until it is. We have to let people go through their own process before it is over to them. It is ok if it feels like it should be over but still isn't yet, it will be when it is.

At the times when you feel that you cant keep going, she says, breathe, and tell yourself it will all be ok in the end, and if it isn't its not the end. This one speaks for itself. 

We are all in process, she says. The in-between is where life is. Every moment is growth, and all we can do is live, and love the process. 

My mother is a miracle of a human being. She is someone who has faced and continues to face adversity with humor, grace, kindness, and strength. Everyone who is blessed enough to have her in their corner feels the endless reach of her love. She exudes light into this world through music and art, and she listens with her entire being. She is my heart, my soul, and my greatest teacher. She shows me and so many others what living from your soul truly means every single day.

Thank you for being my mama, MJW - I love you to the stars and back a million times. 

always, 

Your magic bean, magic baby, mesmerizing little girl, moody teen, motivated student of life, magnificent, marvelous, majestic woman. 

[winterstormgoddess]

Scooting along

4 Tuesdays ago I had a meeting on the Upper East Side in the morning and a meeting in Brooklyn in the afternoon. I was bumping into people left and right that morning, I remember wondering why. Am I not paying attention? Is it because I am on my phone? Are the people of New York just more aggressive today? whatever it was, I was moving through that day so quickly that I didn't even have time to answer my own questions. 

At about 1:30 pm the universe slowed me the fuck down. 

I was standing on the corner of 7th ave and Union street in Park Slope Brooklyn looking for the coffee shop that I was headed to for my next meeting and as all of the cars came to a stop on my right I took a step off of the curb. As a New Yorker (I've been here a year so I've decided I can call myself that) we step off the curb all the time without thinking about it, expecting the world around us to yield. Before I knew it a car hit my leg and as I fell backwards it ran over my foot. As my foot started to expand in front of my eyes I sat on the ground in a puddle of tears imagining the impending Greys Anatomy episode where I go into the hospital for a broken toe and end up with a brain tumor and ultimately die.  

That didn't happen, but I did spend 8 hours in the hospital during which I peed in a bed pan and spilled it all over myself, got my middle toenail removed, and cried - A LOT. Despite the misery of the situation there were a couple of things to be grateful for that day. If I had stepped forward with my left leg this car very well could have taken out my entire leg instead of leaving me with a broken foot and a missing toenail, if I had stepped forward 2 more steps I very well could have died. I got very very lucky, and even in those 8 hours and the days after when I couldn't see that and felt royally UNLUCKY, I was lucky enough to have someone by my side who reminded me.

 I am so grateful to be with someone who will show up for me like Keever did. Someone who knows exactly how to calm me down, and who made me feel safe in the midst of a terrifying moment. Someone who knew immediately that the thing I was the most upset about was not being able to teach my first yoga class in New York City and that the only way I was going to relax was if he put his hand on my heart. What I feel the most grateful for, one month later, is that I am in a partnership in which we ride the waves together, wether it is his wave or mine, the crashes, the tides, the ups and the downs we ride it out, we see it through. This situation hasn't been easy on our relatively new relationship. It has brought out trauma, shadows from the past, fears about the future, and ugliness from both of us - but to love someone is to be a mirror in which your person can see their best selves, and to stand by them while they do the work to get there. I feel so lucky to be doing that work with him.

When I was told I wasn't going to be able to walk for a month or so, it really did feel like the end of the world. People can say “OH ITS JUST A BROKEN FOOT” or “it could be worse” all they want, but as someone who's solace has been movement for as long as I can remember - being stuck in one place was a nightmare. I went through legitimate stages of grief, which I know sounds ABSURD and dramatic. I am sure you are saying to yourself “shut up Juno, the only thing that died is your toenail.”  (or something along those lines :)) BUT it is real. After the way this year has gone, with the losses in my family, all of the newness and transitions of post grad life and then this?! I thought I had hit my wits end.

I hadn't. I had a couple weeks of anger, frustration, moping, and a lot of projection of my emotions onto the people around me (sorry I love you all), and then I got the fuck up. Mind you, I got up on my obnoxiously red knee scooter, but I got up. 

The first step was reminding myself that my value is not synonymous with being able to DO. Going to the yoga studio, working out,  going out and getting drunk on a Friday night, going to visit friends at their walk up apartments, going to work, all of those things are actions that I participate in many of which add to my life, but NONE of them make me who I am. My compassion, my kindness, my ability to listen, my sense of humor, my heart, my voice - a car running over my foot couldn't take any of those things unless I let it. So I had a choice to make, do I let this situation make me angry and bitter, or do I remember the things that make me a fucking awesome human BEing, not a human DOing. 

I started scooting around my neighborhood, finding accessible places to be outside and be around people, I even started going to bars and getting drinks with friends and then CAREFULLY scooting home (scooting under the influence is NOT cool kids), I spent days working in the park and bought free weights to exercise. I started doing what I could, and by taking those baby steps I was reminded that my wit didn't and doesn't have an end. 

I am coming up on a year of living in this city. This year has been filled to the top with challenge. It has been the hardest year yet by a landslide, but It has also been filled with love, and adventure, and accomplishment. The biggest accomplishment being that even though it has been a doozie of a year, I am still standing (well not standing physically.... yet) but I am still a god damn buffalo who has faced every storm head on, and I will continue to do so. 

Have I done it right? who the hell knows but I kind of think that making a whole lot of mistakes is doing it right..... 

Keep learning, keep facing the storm, keep growing, & keep loving the process, wholeheartedly.

XX

J

[winterstormgoddess]

2017-2018 Transition

8 months ago I was sitting on a flight to Tuscon getting ready to begin a 5 week adventure with the company I had just started working for that week. I had moved to New York City exactly a week prior and in those 7 days I had moved into my apartment (with the help of my superman dad who built all my furniture) a boy who I had a very non committal thing with in school came to visit me to see if we really had feelings for each other or if we were just desperately holding on to college, and I had started my job as a “motivational speaker and facilitator”. ‘It was a lot, a whole lot. Especially for someone who has had a very hard time with change since as long as I can remember. I used to cry when we had to say goodbye to pumpkins after Halloween, or when my window shades were falling apart and we had to get ones that were a different color, starting a new school would keep me up at night for weeks, but despite my “transitionitis” as my parents love to call it, I have never been capable of settling for comfortable. 

I decided to move to New York after my junior year of college. That summer I worked for an organization that aimed to provide empowering programming for young girls in Brooklyn. This organization was really one woman making magic happen. Damali showed me what the grind to make this world a better place really looked like, the ins and the outs, the ups and the downs. A year later after I applied to copious amounts of non profit administration jobs and tried to pull every string I could pull at any charity possible, I found an add for a full time motivational speaker and facilitator role for an organization called WE. I was very much convinced it wasn’t real and didn’t tell anyone that I applied because there was no way I was actually going to end up working at a job out of college that fit the bill the way it did. Long story short after many interviews and weeks of convincing myself that dreams don’t happen that easily, they did. 

So for normal people, the first week of work is overwhelming because paperwork needs to be filled out and online computer systems need to be learned, and while those things were somewhat involved, I realized very quickly that this job was going to challenge my sense of self, my sense of place, and my sense of purpose. I was a privileged white girl who was going to need to figure out a way to relate and resonate with young people who my story inherently didn't resonate with. I was being given a platform, I was being given the mic, to go into schools and speak to students. I was being given more power than I already have as a person of privilege, and my biggest question from the beginning, was how in the world was I going to use that power for good? 

I Remember sitting on the flight to Tuscon imagining how the next 5 weeks would go. Facilitation training in Arizona, company on-boarding in Toronto, and then Take Action Summer camp in Bethany Ontario. I was anxious, I was sad that I had to leave the city I had just moved to, I missed the boy I had just spent the week with and knew he was going back to San Francisco and there wasn’t a shot for us, but I also knew that growth hurts and that is what this was, an opportunity for growth. Facilitation training was a whirlwind, immediately being thrown in to identity work with 12 highly opinionated and highly emotional 20 somethings who had never met can lead to some explosions, but I also got to spend the week with other young people who believed in young people, I had never been in a community like that before... and it was my JOB. On-boarding was full of power points and facts about the organization, and frankly I was getting anxious. The cabin fever was so high by midweek that I decided to purchase a ticket to San Francisco to visit the boy for our weekend off. I wanted one last hurrah with him before our separate lives commenced. I Had a wonderful weekend with him which made the concept that we were not going to be together more difficult, AND to top it off I almost got deported returning to the Toronto airport because I said the wrong word going through customs (PRO TIP: apparently you’re not supposed to say you’re working, you have to specify that it is a TRAINING FOR WORK). Here is where it got funny though, they told me they might send me back to NYC and I low key got excited. I was doing internal happy dances because I was going to get to go homeeee yay! When I returned to customs the next day to get deported they then changed their mind and told me I could stay. I had also already missed my bus to the summer camp so I had to make my own way there which was a hot mess and I was NOT happy. I had to lug all of my 5 weeks of travel stuff through train stations and buss stations after I had gotten all excited about going home..... but it was all for a reason.

When I arrived to camp I was on the verge of tears and was told later in the week that i was “ VERY SPICY” when I first arrived. If you know me you’re probably not surprised by this because I am completely and utterly unable to hide feelings on my face. My sullen attitude about not being able to go home was eradicated when I realized that I was surrounded by the absolute raddest group of people and I got to be a camp counselor for a bunch of kids who wanted to change the world, nothing is better than that. I laughed, I cried, and I left with a full heart and a true, clear and confident knowledge of the fact that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. 

The last 6 months have been a roller coaster of some of the highest highs and lowest lows.  I wake up every morning and walk outside to a city that is alive, electrifying, and inspiring (except right now its really so cold and hard to walk anywhere). I live with my best friend in the world who consistently challenges me and makes me laugh until I cry, in addition I live in the same city as quite a few of the people whose presence makes me the happiest. Boy from San Francisco is now boy in New York City and has reminded me what healthy, balanced, communicative love looks like, even when it isn’t easy, I get to work with incredible young people every week and help them to know that they have power in this extremely discouraging world we are living in, they give me hope. My dear cousin left this earth way at 18 years old leaving our hearts broken but grateful to have known him, my grandfathers beautiful life came to an end, I went back on birth control and lost control of my emotional stability and my physical well being plummeted, and man navigating a freezing winter for the first time is no joke. The yin and the yang, the mountains and the valleys, the dark and the light. All part of it. 

8 months later I am back on a flight to Tuscon to do a second facilitators training, and I am sitting on this plane reflecting on the immense amount of change, challenge, and growth that has transpired. I am reflecting on the mistakes I have made, the risks I have taken, the tears, and the triumphs and I am so damn grateful for all of it. 2017 gave me a run for my money, and I am sure 2018 will do the same, but I am challenging myself, and all of you, to show up better this year. To show up to every moment. If I have learned anything in the last 8 months it is that showing up doesn’t always mean showing up in the way everyone else wants you too. It means honoring where you are in that moment and being in it, not running away. Sitting in discomfort, basking in glory, whatever it is high or low, embracing it as a moment for growth. 

Here’s to more love, more gratitude, more awareness, more kindness, and less Donald Trump in 2018.

WITH SO MUCH LOVE,

J

[winterstormgoddess]

On growing up in Los Angeles

I would like to start this off by saying thank you. Thank you to my parents, for never ceasing to embarrass me. To my Mom for continuing to wear tie die no matter how many times I asked her to wear jeans and a black shirt, to my dad for dancing in the bed of his pick up truck when I was walking down from the junior high campus. Thank you for never giving up on trying to hold my hand in public, thank you for not buying me the 6 inch stilettos when I was 16 even though I saved up my allowance and bought them myself. Thank you for not being the PTA, dinner party, socialite parents I wanted you to be. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but because it was never either of you. You two taught me true self awareness and confidence before I even knew thats what you were teaching me.

I didn’t realize the effect of being a Los Angeles bred teenager until I left for college. Despite the fact that Orange County is arguably more of a bubble than Los Angeles, I managed to make friends who were from outside of Southern California. I was a full force weirdo in Junior High. While my peers were wearing juicy across their asses, I was wearing a skort from limited two and turquoise pumas. The Occasional gauchos or as I like to call them, pregnancy pants, also made appearances. My closest friend from this time of my life was forced to be my friend, by me. I persistently annoyed her until she gave in and invited me to sleep over in her impeccably clean, light pink, room in the valley. We made embarrassing videos on Photo Booth that we still geek out about to this day. Shoutout J, I will forever be grateful for my fellow junior high weirdo who has accepted me exactly how I am for almost 11 years now. 

When I was in 8th grade the school schedule gods put me in every single class with the coolest (scariest) girl in school. I entered our friendship by trying to advertise that my mom was a sit-com actress, little did I know that her father was a hugely famous athlete. There is problem number one with growing up in Los Angeles, thinking that your value is dependent on who your parents are. I also managed to annoy her into being my friend. There were years of my existence, that every outfit I picked out was to make myself seem cool in her eyes. This little colorful hippy child entered a full force Los Angeles all black everything diva wannabe phase. Over time I was graced with the sensitive, authentic, goofy, loyal side of this beautiful human and our friendship was able to transition from queen and subject to two equals.

Luckily for me, I was never debilitated by girl drama, it also helped that I had an all out army (above mentioned cool girl & posse) on my side. Problem number 2. The modeling of reality television. I can not tell you how many times I was “confronted” by a bunch of girls speaking like they were sitting at a Real Housewives reunion. Im all about my girl gang, but not about the girl gang ups.

It is fitting that no was my first word because using it always came easily for me. The concept of peer pressure and how to avoid it is shoved down your throat as a teenager but “just saying no” was never my problem. My struggle was that I never knew what I wanted to say yes to. I had very little idea of who I was and what I actually wanted. This is obviously not something that only I struggled with. Being a teenager is never a time of complete self awareness but there is something about Los Angeles that really diminishes the ability to distinguish between what you think you should be doing and what you actually want to be doing.

Los Angeles is a city with the industry at its center. Either you’re in the industry or you’re connected to someone who is. Or you’re like my dad who really just wanted to be able to go to the beach, the desert, and the mountains with equal travel time. I remember him telling me that when he came to LA he promised himself he would NEVER date an actress, then my mom came into the mix. My mother is the antithesis of the typical actress. She doesn’t like to be the center of attention, she is humble, she is generous, she doesn’t brag, she very rarely even advocates for herself because she is too busy advocating for everyone else. I am absolutely an industry baby, I took my first steps on the set of F.R.I.E.N.D.S, and most of my earliest memories are on the Warner Brothers lot. My mom was on set consistently from the time I was born until I was 8, but the interesting thing is that for the majority of that I was there with her. She nursed me in between shots and as I got older I found quite a bit of enjoyment playing dress up in her dressing room. Neither of my parents were absentee which I feel is quintessential in my growth as a well rounded human being surrounded by industry.

I spent my childhood daydreaming about being a famous singer and dancer, staging singing performances in my living room, or my personal favorite what I called “Naked Ballet” where I had a full on nude (with the exception of ballet shoes) dance party. I love to sing, and competing as a dancer was a very transformative part of my young adult life. I am a performer by blood, but there wasn’t much room to explore the ways to perform outside of the basic 3, singing, dancing, acting. When I was a teenager everyone around me wanted to be famous, wether that be youtube famous, a famous singer, a famous actress, a famous dancer, a famous model, everyone wanted to “succeed” and that success was equated to being known. I loved what I did but I knew in my heart it was not what I wanted to be known for. Fame is shoved down your throat as if it is the only way to be important.

I notice this phenomena even more, with the rise in social media usage and the constant pressure to be liked, both literally and figuratively. I look at my sister and her friends, beautiful and intelligent, witty and capable without half a clue about their true value because so much of their time is spent on what theirs or their friends Instagram feeds look like. Disclaimer, if you follow me on Instagram I am also an avid user of the platform, my feed has a theme, and I post my fair share of selfies. I am not saying there is anything wrong with that, it is a new and fun way to express oneself. My point is to say that when social media serves as a way to define and determine ones value instead of being used as a form of expression that is when it becomes detrimental.

The pressure to be known, liked, and famous keeps young people from figuring out what is actually fulfilling. My performer gene didn’t leave when I decided I didn’t want to be famous, I just realized that public speaking and facilitating was the type of performing that really brought joy into my heart, I found true happiness instead of constantly striving for a superficial and often unattainable goal.

As I pack up to leave Los Angeles and move on to the next chapter of my life I find myself looking back on the past 21 years. While I feel sad to leave my beautiful family, the sunny winters and my long drives down the pch with the windows down I wave goodbye with a smile on my face to the years of pretending and empty performing. I actively surrounded myself with 5 weirdos in college who reminded me who I was at my core, they allowed me to be exactly who I am, a mixture of weirdo, granola, and diva, a combination of both my nature and the nurture of my hippy family and the highly complex city that raised me.

If I have anything to say to young people growing up in LA, parents raising children in LA, or anyone who lives in the city of angels, it is to find your own definition of success outside of the masses. If you want to perform, perform your truth, and if you do anything at all- actively surround yourself with people who allow you to be exactly who you are because if you don’t do that the expectations of the city will eat you alive and you won’t even be able to enjoy the beautiful weather.

You will forever be a part of my heart lala land, but I’m leaving you for the big apple. PEACE

[winterstormgoddess]

To my not so little sister

Firstly, you are not little. Don't ever feel like you need to make yourself small to be accepted. I know you grew up making space for your big sister with the big personality, but your role in this world is not to be small. While you may be younger than me, you are in no way little, you hold the universe in your hands. 

I am writing this to you because I want to put in writing all of the things that I want you to know. I will still tell you all of these things probably a trillion more times throughout your life, but I want you have this so that in the moments that you don't want to talk to me, or talk to anyone you can read this and know you're not alone. 

I want my experiences to be a container for you. A container holds whatever you put into it, it can handle ingredients that are hot and cold, liquid and solid. The plastic has already been formed it isn't going to change. My life, my experiences, they came before you. The container was already made before you decided what you were having for lunch, but hopefully you can learn from them in one way or another and when you're feeling lost you can turn to those experiences to hold you and yours. 

That being said I know you're on your own path and I am sorry for the moments that I projected my shit on you. I have seen you transform from a little baby to a beautiful grown ass woman and I can't help but feel responsible at times for some of your formation. I saw your eyes light up when I let you play with me as a kid, and I saw the tears that formed after I closed my door in your face as an angsty teen. I know that my actions have an impact on you, so when I see someone treating you the way I allowed myself to be treated it breaks my heart and I feel guilty for putting myself through that, and showing you that anyone treating you like less than a goddess is even remotely acceptable. I have to remember thought, that not only did you watch me go through a gnarly relationship but you also saw me come out of it, stronger than ever. Just as I have watched you grow, you have watched me grow just the same. Were resilient as hell, and I don't give you enough credit for that. 

Find friends that love me!!!! I know that sounds so stupid, but there was nothing more telling about the type of friends that I am lucky enough to have than when they drove to take you to dinner when I was living across the country. You are a part of me, and anyone I love is expected to love you. No matter where I am in this world I hope you know that my sisters are your sisters always and forever. 

Your intelligence is one of your biggest strengths. It is difficult to go through life with a brain like yours, you analyze everything, you understand everything, it can get frustrating when you are surrounded by so many people who don't. I challenge you to refrain from dumbing yourself down to make it easier to fit in. If you need to be less than brilliant to tolerate the people you're around, find new people. In this same vane, people throw rocks at things that shine. You shine too bright to let your light be dimmed by others insecurities, so if someone is trying to blow out your candle so that they can be the only light in the room, find friends that know that a candle loses nothing from lighting other candles, find people who know that there is never too much light in a world that is plagued with such darkness. 

 Say no with conviction, say yes with conviction. Say everything with conviction, know what you want and don't let anyone convince you otherwise. The way you treat yourself determines how others treat you. Your body is your body, your mind is your mind, people will try to infiltrate and manipulate, don't let them, but if you do have the courage to learn from it. 

You're going to fuck up a million times. You're going to pick the wrong people, you're going to do the wrong things, you're going to have low points. Know that you are  not defined by any of those moments, you're defined by how you rise out of them. Mom and Dad raised us with so much love, they taught us how to be emotionally aware, how to love each other, how to love ourselves. They held us while we cried and then they gave us the space to process why we were crying. This emotional processing ability is going to be what allows you to face anything that comes your way head on. You don't run, You are  the buffalo, you have all of the tools you need to face everything that comes your way so don't EVER loose sight of that.

You're Magic, You now get to decide wether you use that magic for good or for evil, or for both ;)

Its the biggest honor in the world to be your sister.

Always & Forever

J

[winterstormgoddess]

An open letter to myself as a college freshman

Sometimes I sit around and think about you. Such a blank slate, ready to paint a new picture with brighter colors. What you don't know yet is that in the next 4 years of college you are going to wash that palette clean and paint new pictures more times than you can count. Your life will take turns you weren't expecting. Colors won't mix the way you thought they would. sometimes you'll forget how to draw the simplest shapes and sometimes your hand will be as light as a feather and your drawings will be so phenomenal they will take your breath away. You have now reached one of the major milestones we have been told about since we were little. Starting high school, your first relationship, your first heartbreak, getting your first job, choosing what college to go to, moving away from home, graduating college, starting a career, when you get married, when you have kids, and on and on. We grow up thinking about our lives as defined by these milestones, our successes and our identities determined by the outcomes. The truth is that growth happens in the in between. It is not the first stroke or the finished project. 

You are 19 years old, be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to make mistakes, you're going to even if you try not to let it happen. Even things that don't seem like mistakes in the moment may feel like them later so accept that. Don't try to hide those mistakes. Pretending you are invincible and convincing yourself that you are always right doesn't make you cooler. Transparency and honesty are the keys to real relationships and true acceptance. Be real with others and with yourself. 

Going off of that, allow other people to make their own mistakes and learn their own way. LIFE HACK: if you do not like your friends boyfriend, be honest with them and tell them how you feel. If they chose not to listen SHUT UP and stand by their side while they figure it out themselves. Forcing your friend to chose between you and their significant other never ends well for anyone. It leaves them feeling isolated and alone (which newsflash drives them closer to shitty significant other). On the flip side of that, try not to put a significant other before your friends. You will learn that the hard way, but I am saying it anyway. Your friends will be your lifeline, your confidants, your support system, your source of joy, and most importantly if you find the good ones, they will be the people who whip you into shape when you need to be. Crush the ego and don't be defensive with the people who love you. Good friends call you out on your bullshit. It might sting, you might want to bite their heads off in the moment, but remind yourself that whatever they are saying is probably coming from a place of love, and is aimed to push you to be the best you and the best friend you can be. 

Speaking of friends, you are going to meet people that remind you how to breathe. What I mean by that is, find your soul friends, find the people who allow you to breathe at your own rhythm, who slow your breath when you're anxious, who make you laugh until you can't breathe, and who don’t suck up all the air in the room. There will be others who want you to take up less space to make more room for them, who feel that it is essential to make you feel small in order to feel big themselves. These people might seem cool on the outside, but your social standing is not essential to your survival, your breathing is. That might not make any sense to you right now but it will I promise.

Now, lets talk about relationships. You're scared, you've been in a relationship for 3 years that isn't right for you and you know it, you're scared to let go, you're scared to hold on and you are so conflicted. It is not over yet as much as you say it is and when it is over for real, you won't be so scared anymore. You are so young, and I don't mean that to undermine the importance of that relationship, it will define you and how you approach relationships in many ways even after it is long over, but you have so much more waiting for you beyond that person. Take it for what it is, allow yourself the space to go back if you need to, and trust yourself when you know it is done. Regret and resentment are absolutely useless. It is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. One thing I will say is that you were lucky, you experienced many firsts with someone who cared about you. You loved him in whatever way you were capable of at that age and you felt safe in those moments. Remember that feeling of safety, you don't need to be in a relationship to feel it, but don't give your body or yourself away in situations where you don't feel that safety. Your body is your temple and you my dear, are the gatekeeper. You decide who and what you let in. Feel free to have a good time, but check your intention. Who are you inviting to your party? someone who might be a good time but is absolutely going to trash the place? or someone who is fun AND respectful of you and your home. Also, I know you know this but I am going to say it anyway. Your value is not your sexuality. In the words of the beautiful Rupi Kaur “I am sorry I made it sound as though something as simple as what you’re born with is all you have to be proud of, when you have broken mountains with your wit.”(SHAMELESS PLUG: buy the book Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur). Your intelligence and your soul far surpasses the beauty that will ever be seen on the surface. So even when college hookup culture consumes your self worth, and makes you feel like you are defined by how many guys want to take you to their Vegas formal remember that you are going to change the world one day and the last thing that will matter to you will be the other girl that guy gave his attention to. 

At a certain point you're going to tell yourself that you don't like “nice guys” because they're too boring and can't handle your fiery spirit. That is you burying the fact that you have chosen assholes and have forgotten what you deserve. Don't give up on fairytales just yet. Don't lose hope that there is someone out there who is going to look at you and see the world in your eyes. That brown haired, blue eyed boy whose confidence doesn't equal cockiness, who is kind and respectful yet unafraid and assertive. Ya, he exists. When he comes into your life, let him in. 

You are a product of the people you surround yourself with, but your picker will be off if you don't know who you are. Do what makes you feel good. Exercise as much as you can and eat healthy, not because you want to look like OC Barbie, but because your body loves to move and you thrive off of things that are good for you. That being said, get froyo with your friends. Like I said, do what makes you feel good (sometimes that is chocolate & vegging out). Do what scares you. You will be so enmeshed with college life that stepping outside of that and doing something different might seem terrifying, but challenging yourself is the only way to grow. Travel, go on adventures, see the world, do a Yoga Teacher Training. Push yourself to step outside of your comfort zone because that is where happiness begins and remember the friends who push you past that comfort zone when you can't, keep them close. 

I know that you struggle with feeling intelligent, with feeling like your success holds up in comparison to others. Sometimes success and achievements aren't tangible. Sometimes the reading that you connect to in class will be more important in the long run than the grade on the midterm. Your emotional intelligence has always been your strong suit and you have constantly undermined your intellectual abilities, but listen to me closely. Your brain is capable of understanding as much as you allow it to. Your ability is completely dependent on your belief in yourself. Your emotional intelligence does not stand separate from your intellectual ability. Your compassion, your empathy, and your ability to listen to the stories of others will give you a greater understanding of the concepts you are studying and enhance your ability to use your voice to make a difference in the world that is beyond your wildest dreams. 

And because nothing will ever ring truer than this, be the buffalo. Buffalos run towards a storm, cows run away. Run towards the storm, face whatever comes your way head on, and even when you begin to run away have the courage to turn back around. The faster you face it, the faster it passes you. Its worth getting wet to dance in the rain. Buffalos stand with their herd without fail. Your tribe, your people, they are your world. Find the people who crawl, walk, run, and fly with you. You aren't asking for too much, you don't need to much, you don’t need to lower your expectations, there are people in this world who will love you with the same wholehearted love that you give. 

It doesn't get less scary, I am sitting here writing this to you with a whole lot of unknown lying ahead of me, but I know who I am, I have my tribe, I know what kind of love I deserve, and I know what lights my fire. Because of that, I am at peace, and you will be too.

Shine sweet girl, enjoy the ride, be loud, be fierce, be soft, be vulnerable, be you unapologetically. 

Yours truly,

You 3 months before your college graduation.