windoweyedgirl-blog

[windoweyedgirl-blog]

I think people would be happier if they admitted things more often. In a sense we are all prisoners of some memory, or fear, or disappointment—we are all defined by something we can’t change.

Simon Van Booy, The Illusion of Separateness (via thequotejournals)

[windoweyedgirl-blog]

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[windoweyedgirl-blog]

5.22.2017 Right now I am hearing Sounds The birds, the traffic, the garage band across the street Right now I am tired Fighting the urge to think These thoughts won’t let me sleep They keep coming to me Tangling a bigger web I wish I could talk about them Out loud They are too twisted together I wouldn’t know where to start Which word to begin the knotted spiral What am I feeling? It is indescribable I feel Everything I also feel Numb My chest aches I want to cry But whenever I try … nothing Am I emotionless? Or am I feeling everything? Right now I feel the pressure Of tears behind my eyes They won’t fall Is this in my control? Or like everything else, Is it out of control? Just like me succumbing to the Fake kindness Shown by people around me Just to get what they Want Talking sweet words Sounding sweet, acting sweet, moving sweet So much sickening sweetness And you know why? Because the sweetness is rooted in rot Building up inside Setting itself perfectly, flawlessly To take its prey Take exactly what it needs What it wants But it’s not what I need What do I need? I couldn’t tell you I don’t know I sometimes I think I know I don’t know if I actually find it Wow That’s a lot of I’s Am I being selfish, conceded? Maybe. Probably. Maybe that is what I am in need of At least that’s what others say “Focus on yourself” “Take care of yourself” How though? I feel that I have to Be so careful Tiptoe To take care of everyone else Do you know what It feels like? To speak like a tightrope? Every word said carefully, delicately Every tone considered Just to make sure you aren’t Hurting someone Because you understand The affect words have on people You know the lingering pain The thoughts that creep in You live the consuming need To better what is wrong With you Your personality Your actions Your life Words linger Though the sound vibrations Drift to other galaxies They live on forever in Your mind They hit you over and over again Abuse you When you need them the least Like right now.. When even in silence I am followed by echoes But when you say those words You don’t know what’s already Floating around in my head What is currently happening in my life both visibly and invisibly you can never know exactly what is going on in another’s life I’ve seen- or not seen- that With my own eyes My father’s life demising He was dying right in front Of me I didn’t see it I should have I did see the pain I didn’t see his hope though Look, all the I’s again Maybe that’s part of the problem I saw my hope but ignored that His faded, disappeared Words, my friends What a magical thing Capable of hiding Of exposing Everything There is a certain person in my life I get sick when I hear her words But, there is the hypocrisy I will spend no more words On her Instead Let my words showcase my Anxiety Like when a person I love Doesn’t answer their phone The fear that races through me.. All of the negative thoughts… My dad ruined my thoughts Stole them That is for your interpretation Now I can’t even delete messages Because What if that’s the only way For me to hear their voice Again But a lot of you wont Understand that fear You also won’t understand What it’s like to walk on Broken glass In fear of making it break Further, the shards smaller That’s the case with my mother The idea of being an orphan haunts me Frequently I wouldn’t be able to survive it I barely know how I am surviving now There are two people I consider friends Only two But that is two more than A lot of people They try, bless their hearts I’m hard, I know that They know pain, sadness I am thankful for that Disgusting… I know They will never understand mine though Just as I will never understand theirs That loneliness is vicious It tears at you Begs you to give in For now, my dears I will not.

Anonymous 

[windoweyedgirl-blog]

I have to be alone very often. I’d be quite happy if I spent from Saturday night until Monday morning alone in my apartment. That’s how I refuel.

Audrey Hepburn  (via thequotejournals)

[windoweyedgirl-blog]

5.22.2017

Right now I am hearing

Sounds

The birds, the traffic, the garage band across the street

Right now I am tired

Fighting the urge to think

These thoughts won’t let me sleep

They keep coming to me

Tangling a bigger web

I wish I could talk about them

Out loud

They are too twisted together

I wouldn’t know where to start

Which word to begin the knotted spiral

What am I feeling?

It is indescribable

I feel

Everything

I also feel

Numb

My chest aches

I want to cry

But whenever I try

… nothing

Am I emotionless?

Or am I feeling everything?

Right now I feel the pressure

Of tears behind my eyes

They won’t fall

Is this in my control?

Or like everything else,

Is it out of control?

Just like me succumbing to the

Fake kindness

Shown by people around me

Just to get what they

Want

Talking sweet words

Sounding sweet, acting sweet, moving sweet

So much sickening sweetness

And you know why?

Because the sweetness is rooted in rot

Building up inside

Setting itself perfectly, flawlessly

To take its prey

Take exactly what it needs

What it wants

But it’s not what I need

What do I need?

I couldn’t tell you

I don’t know

I sometimes I think I know

I don’t know if I actually find it

Wow

That’s a lot of I’s

Am I being selfish, conceded?

Maybe. Probably.

Maybe that is what I am in need of

At least that’s what others say

“Focus on yourself”

“Take care of yourself”

How though?

I feel that I have to

Be so careful

Tiptoe

To take care of everyone else

Do you know what

It feels like?

To speak like a tightrope?

Every word said carefully, delicately

Every tone considered

Just to make sure you aren’t

Hurting someone

Because you understand

The affect words have on people

You know the lingering pain

The thoughts that creep in

You live the consuming need

To better what is wrong

With you

Your personality

Your actions

Your life

Words linger

Though the sound vibrations

Drift to other galaxies

They live on forever in

Your mind

They hit you over and over again

Abuse you

When you need them the least

Like right now..

When even in silence

I am followed by echoes

But when you say those words

You don’t know what’s already

Floating around in my head

What is currently happening in

my life

both visibly and invisibly

you can never know exactly

what is going on in another’s life

I’ve seen- or not seen- that

With my own eyes

My father’s life demising

He was dying right in front

Of me

I didn’t see it

I should have

I did see the pain

I didn’t see his hope though

Look, all the I’s again

Maybe that’s part of the problem

I saw my hope but ignored that

His faded, disappeared

Words, my friends

What a magical thing

Capable of hiding

Of exposing

Everything

There is a certain person in my life

I get sick when I hear her words

But, there is the hypocrisy

I will spend no more words

On her

Instead

Let my words showcase my

Anxiety

Like when a person I love

Doesn’t answer their phone

The fear that races through me..

All of the negative thoughts…

My dad ruined my thoughts

Stole them

That is for your interpretation

Now I can’t even delete messages

Because

What if that’s the only way

For me to hear their voice

Again

But a lot of you wont

Understand that fear

You also won’t understand

What it’s like to walk on

Broken glass

In fear of making it break

Further, the shards smaller

That’s the case with my mother

The idea of being an orphan haunts me

Frequently

I wouldn’t be able to survive it

I barely know how I am surviving now

There are two people

I consider friends

Only two

But that is two more than

A lot of people

They try, bless their hearts

I’m hard, I know that

They know pain, sadness

I am thankful for that

Disgusting… I know

They will never understand mine though

Just as I will never understand theirs

That loneliness is vicious

It tears at you

Begs you to give in

For now, my dears

I will not.