windearthmind

[windearthmind]

Entry #35

Dear Diary, There is a big black bag on my human's bed. I strongly suspect that it is the dreaded "suitcase" and that they are planning on leaving me forever. Or 3 days, but whichever. I have plans to sit in said bag all day, if that's what it takes, and I will make sure they do not leave me. It would take a lawnmower to make me move in such a dire situation!

[windearthmind]

Entry #34

Today is the day, dear diary, the day that I found Rogue Barbie Head. My humans were cleaning up boxes from their youth when I came upon such a treasure. So far, I have flung Rogue Barbie Head in every corner of the bedroom imaginable, have carried it throughout the house by its finely combed hair, and have swatted it and chased it across the floor. Sometimes, we play make believe, like pretending it's a scurrying mouse or a bird that can fly. It is my new greatest companion - almost as great as the Sleek Black Hisser from the outside. Long live Rogue Barbie Head.

[windearthmind]

Entry #33

So the humans left their comforter to dry on the couch. Which means that I can go camping, because I have got my very own tent. I'm so excited for some peaceful, dark as a cave, camping in my new tent. P.S. If a teddy bear comes and tries to attack me or someone accidentally sits on me, I will fight with a valiant series of hisses.

[windearthmind]

Entry #32

My humans have locked me outside of the bedroom. I am in desperate need of company. Why don't they understand that I NEED to be in that room? ... I have been scratching at the door for about 3 minutes. ... They let me in the room! I'm so joyous, I'll let them sleep now. ... I have been tricked. They want to keep me prisoner in this room, I am locked it! I am trapped! I must get out! *scratch scratch scratch* ... They let me out again, wonderful! This is FREEDOM! ... But I want to be in that room. Why have they forgotten about me? They've abandoned me in the hall to die! I must scratch. ... Still locked out. I'll scratch and meow this time. ... Finally. Reunited at last. Together again. Me and sleeping human. ... Diary? I want to be in the hall now. Ever get that feeling that the hall is where you should be? Yeah. They need to open this door. They must open it NOW. I'll scratch aggressively at the door. ... I am now locked in the bathroom for the night. This abuse is unconstitutional. Sigh.

[windearthmind]

Entry #31

I had such a bad dream today while snoozing on the couch. I was having a conversation with the humans and we were saying our spirit animals. When it was my turn, I said “my spirit animal is a cat” and they said “but you are a cat.” And I said “no I’m not, I am a human.” Am I not a human? I think I am….aren’t I? Surprise. I am not a human. Well, fine, then. Cats are better. Than. Everything.

[windearthmind]

Entry #30

Diary, I do not understand why this is so difficult to comprehend. "Meoww" means "pick me up." "Meoow" means "put me down." Why do my humans never seem to get it?

[windearthmind]

These stories make my day.

[windearthmind]

Entry #29

I am a grandmaster of secret schemes. Let me demonstrate: This is what you do if your human is being so rude as to read rather than pet you. You meow next to them. If they do not respond, you rub against their face. If they do not respond, you knock against their book. If they still do not respond, you get in between them and the book, push the book away, and sit on top of it. You remain so for a long while and bask in the attention you will now receive.

[windearthmind]

Entry #28

Am I not a respectable cat? My human was complaining about a "stupid bio test ugh" and so I, in solidarity, turned the horrible thing into a toy and ripped it up. I do not understand why I received such harsh treatment for this noble act.

[windearthmind]

Entry #27

Today I made an exceptional discovery, a code that I have been attempting to crack for almost a year - how to open the fish tank. Mwahahahaha, I am excited to play whack-a-mole/fish.

[windearthmind]

Entry #26

I've been considering patenting ice skates for cats. Here is how you can acquire your brand new ice skates today: grow your claws long and find a non-carpeted floor. Then start running. It's a lot of fun! Side effects may include loss of control when running, and sliding and slamming into walls instead of turning.

[windearthmind]

Entry #25

Let me tell you about an incident that occurred yesterday: So I was lounging around, minding my own business and eavesdropping on all around me, when the humans come up to me all sweetly and started to pet me. "Purrrrr," I said, because I am a sweet piece of fluff. However, then they brought out these metal scissors and went to clip my nails. In an instant, I became Supreme Ninja Cat Warrior and defended myself with some light saber-like swipes. I've got some mad skills, bro. Ain't nobody gonna cut ma nails but me, got it?

[windearthmind]

Entry #24

Let me tell you about my near-death experience today. So the human is pouring something in the toilet, right, and I just have to know what it is, so I go and look in. And then human comes with another bowl full of water, says "move!", and I am pushed to the side and fall PAWS FIRST, INTO THE GARBAGE. AND THEN IMAGINE THE GARBAGE FALLING OVER WITH YOU IN IT AND THE WORLD IS SPINNING AND YOU ARE TERRIFIED. And so then I ran for my life. Way to squash my curiosity, human.

[windearthmind]

Entry #23

Ooooo yes, catnip's the best. I've got some catnip right now. It's so wonderful. What a wonderful word "wonderful." "Won-DER-fleehhhh wonderful" hahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa. I love life. And catnip.

[windearthmind]

Entry #22

The humans continue to yell at me when I shorten my nails on the furniture. They keep moving me over to the "scratching post". I wish they would understand that I have already scratched that one twice. It is time for some new surfaces.

[windearthmind]

Entry #21

They say I'm delusional, but I know that's not true. I know that someone has been hiding treasure (i.e. catnip) for my humans in the potted plants. As a service to them, it is fitting that I dig through these plants. It is essential. The only problem is that once they saw how good I was at doing it, they started bringing in more and more plants every time I destroyed one. It seems my work is never done.

[windearthmind]

Entry #20

Cats hunt mice. It's in our blood. I consider myself very good at this noble martial art. You can often find me staring at the TV screen, pawing the mouse arrow whenever it moves. I move with catlike agility; the mouse can't hide from me.