wilds1de

[wilds1de]

mari is right about one thing, and wrong about another: the truth is selfish and it does piss him off even more, but in its own fucked up way, it helps. it brings him the clarity he had been unknowingly seeking for three years. he had spent these years wondering what had gone wrong to push mari to ghost him out of the blue, effectively pulling the brakes on their relationship, like he meant nothing to her. had he unknowingly messed up somewhere? had she faked every kiss, every hug, every smile? had it been one-sided? how did he not see the signs? now he knows it wasn't his fault, the truth like a slap to the face—there was nothing he could've done to stop mari from leaving. clearly, that foundation of trust he thought they had had been nonexistent.

there's a loud, thick, and heavy silence that hangs between them, thoughts racing through jihoon's mind. he knew about her father, knew she had been let down by the one person who mattered the world to her. mari had trusted him with the most vulnerable part of herself and he had been understanding. he had listened. he had been supportive. he had done everything in his power to show her his commitment to her, to show her that he wasn't going anywhere. he hadn't given her a single reason to doubt him or the bond they had built. and yet. and yet. and yet—in one phone call, he had been reduced to another person who would supposedly break her heart, effectively robbing him from the chance to prove himself. it was like the facts didn't hold any weight. in one phone call, she had given up on him.

"so you ghosted me because your dad called," he begins, as if saying the words out loud might make them easier to comprehend. the words are uttered calmly, but not in a good way. it feels like the world is closing in on him, mari's presence suffocating him with every passing second. that sick feeling at the pit of his stomach spreads through his entire being, pushing him to pull himself out of a situation that hurts him. how did the girl he loved and trusted let go of him so easily? maybe now that he knows the reason, mourning their relationship will be easier. maybe. "so, let me get this straight: your dad calls, and instead of telling me about it, when you know i would've been there for you, you decided to keep it to yourself and leave. he hurts you, so you hurt me, right? is that how it goes?" there's a bitterness and a bite to his words. if her words are meant to fuck him up, they achieve that. he pushes his fingers through his hair, letting out a light chuckle turned scoff. it's an unhumorous one, because there's nothing funny about this fucked up mess.

another long pause. he looks everywhere but at her, unable to stomach meeting her eyes, but he forces himself to as the next words come out of his lips. "i deserved better than that, mari. i would've never done that to you," he says quietly. the words are heavy and dejecting. he walks to her door—the third time today—and pauses. "we did a good job avoiding each other these three years, let's just go back to that. it's easier for both of us." and that's how jihoon rebuilds a fortified wall against mari, after her words manage to crack through it. does he feel better saying all that? debatable. there's no relief or comfort in any of this. but it's the only way he knows to shield himself from her after everything he just heard. his words are emotionally charged—he's a closed book that finally opened, revealing pages of anguish and heartache. with that, he opens the door and leaves, not wanting to hear her say anything more, because odds are, it will only break him even more.

the  wash  of  unsatisfied  relief  she  feels  watching  him  move  towards  the  door  last  mere  moments  before  it’s  all  but  flushed  away.  it’s  a  struggle  to  remember  she  started  this  conversation,  she  opened  the  door  for  this,  she  couldn’t  run  away  (  not  again  )  .  the  frustration�� and  anger  coming  from  jihoon  is  tense  in  the  air, it's think almost it's own entity between them.  three  years  later  and  he  still  knew  her,  knew  was  she  was  skirting  around  the  truth.  “  it  won’t  help  …  the  truth,  “  breaking  her  silence  she  looks  towards  him  standing  back  to  her  feet.  there’s  a  bitterness  in  her  tone  that  catches  even  her  off  guard,  a  bitterness  towards  herself.  “  it’s  dumb  and  selfish  …  and  will  probably  piss  you  off  even  more,  “  a  short  sad  laugh,  “  but, fine !  if  you  want  to  know  i’ll  tell  you.  “  it  was  embarrassing,  it’s  own  sick  twist  of  evil  from  the  universe  that’d  she’d  have  to  voice  her  own  impulsive  choices  aloud.  “  my  dad  called,  “  it’s  a  short  quip  of  an  answer,  one  that  only  somebody  who  understand  her  past  would  even  begin  to  piece  together.  her  father  :  that’s  where  is  always  all  started  and  ended  when  it  came  to  marigold  amin.  “  —  after  that  and  i  just  had  to  leave.  “  the  words  trail  off  into  silence  as  she  allows  them  to  hang  between  them. nobody  had  ever  (  maybe  would  ever  )  drop  all  her  defensive  walls  like  jihoon.  her  body  is  practically  vibrating  at  her  display  of  honesty,  danger  signs  flashing  in  her  brain  ‘  too  close  too  close  ’  ‘  too  much  information  too  much  information  ‘.  she  can  only  hope  that’s  she’s  not  physically  shaking,  that’d  be  even  more  humiliating.  “  i  told  you  it  was  a  shit  reason  and  that  i  was  fucked  up  ?  happy  now  ?  my  shitty  convict  daddy  called  and  kicked  in  my  flight  instinct  so  i  left  you  and  i  left  the  prowlers.  “  hands  dropping  down  to  her  sides  in  a  sign  of  defeat.  there’s  no  relief  in  finally  revealing  the  truth  to  the  other,  no  large  weight  slipping  off  her  shoulders.  instead  there’s  a  sick  sinking  in  her  stomach,  a  protest  of  her  admittance.  funny  how  doing  the  right  thing  could  make  you  feel  even  worse  about  yourself.  this  mari  2.0  shit  sucked.

[wilds1de]

eliana almost laughs as tem takes a step back, instead her eyes merely twinkle with mirth and satisfaction. it doesn't offend them, because as far as they're concerned, this is clearly a side effect to being flustered. if anything, she feels bad for her, because that vogue videos uniform is not it. it's ugly and the colors don't match nicely. pigs would fly before you saw eliana in something like that. "i do love how to lose a guy in 10 days," she muses, tapping a freshly manicured nail against her lips, pretending to think about it. "as long as it takes. we're not really putting an end time to it. tell me, what would you want to watch for a girl's night?

eliana takes a step closer and tem takes a step back. part of her wants to say something like unhand me, temptation ! but eliana wasn't even touching her. clears her throat, trying to bring an aura of professionalism to the conversation and failing. unfortunately, the vogue videos uniform did not inspire things like dominance over customers. " our romcoms are over here. " a well - curated selection now that tem was working here. she's very proud of her display, puffing up a little as she presents the options to eliana. " pretty woman, ella enchanted, 10 things i hate about you, she's the man, how to lose a guy in 10 days, the princess diaries, but i'm a cheerleader... how long is this girl's night lasting again ? "

[wilds1de]

"last i checked, i worked here," jihoon points out, quirking an eyebrow in the other's direction. if jihoon wasn't at his apartment, then you'd most likely find him rodani wheels. he shrugs lightly, he doesn't take hunter's attitude seriously; something he got used to. "xile's not here and there's no booze. it's hard to repeat valentine's day like that, don't you think?"

♪ closed starter ; @wilds1de ♪ location ; undisclosed.

★          ꒰          🏹            ꒱           “   what   are   you   doing   here   ?   i'm   not   really   lookin'   for   a   repeat   of   valentine's   day   if   that's   what   you're   lookin'   for.   ”

[wilds1de]

we meant something and that’s the whole problem. it's the only thing jihoon can hear. he struggles to understand it, like some complicated mathematical equation he has to find the answer to. how could what they had be a problem to mari, when for him, it was his safe haven? the admission hurts him in a way he can't explain. he has to look away from mari, unable to meet her eyes because the sight of her only makes it worse. their relationship being a problem means he was the problem, too. he can't help but blame himself for not seeing the signs. was he so blind to his feelings for her that he couldn't see that she was struggling? maybe, he could've stopped her. maybe, he could've helped her. maybe, maybe, maybe.

mari wasn't giving him clear answers, and he feels like they've hit some sort of block, a wall he can't break down. but he couldn't break down her walls three years ago, why would he be able to do that now? she gestures towards the door. his eyes are defeated as he makes his way to the door. in a way, he needed to be away from mari, but then he pauses. "you know what..." he lets out a frustrated sigh and turns around again, an anger in his words as he takes a few steps towards her. "no. you don't get to do that, mari. not again. you're running away. again. it worked for you three years ago, but you're not pulling that shit on me now," he says. "if you're about to drop an apology, at least give me the full story. you owe me that, at the very least. 'i'm fucked up' doesn't cut it. it's a cop out answer and you fuckin' know it," he calls out, shaking his head in frustration and dejection. "you knew i would've been there for you, that all i ever wanted was to be there for you." hadn't they shared their fears and their deepest thoughts with each other? hadn't they shared their pasts with each other? they had been vulnerable with each other. he saw every side to mari and he still wanted her all the same, as she was. flaws and imperfections and all. but where did that get him? he was the stupid one.

"fuck," he mutters under his breath. "we can go back to not talking after that. you don't have to worry about this problem." jihoon is not only hurt, but bitter. pain, hurt, agitation, and distress were what's driving his every word and thought. at the end of the day, they needed to be apart. mari was an ex prowler turned nariza boi, after all. not only did she break his heart, she also betrayed him and his trust in every way.

the  desperation  in  his  tone  hits  her  square  in  the  chest.  the  emotion  enough  to  send  her  staggering  backward.  he  deserves  answers,  but  she’s  unsure  if  she  can  given  them.  jihoon  already  owns  so  much  of  her,  forever  holding  a  portion  of  her  heart  and  mind,  if  she  answers  truthfully  she’d  be  handing  over  another  shattered  piece.  too  much,  always  too  much. it’s  the  insinuation in the  next  words  that  has  her  head  whipping  up,  “  of  course  we  meant  something  !  “  a  twist  of  frustration  building  in  her  voice.  as  if  she  would  ever  question  her  feelings  for  him.  she  loved  him,  that  was  never  ever  in  question.  “  we  meant  something  and  that’s  the  whole  problem  !  “  it’s  not  a  full  admission,  a  mere  crack  into  the  tangled  web  in  mari’s  head.  “  like  i  said  you  don’t  have  to  accept  my  shit  apology  —  i  get  it  …  i  left  in  the  shittiest  way  possible,  “  if  she  had  sent  a  text  would  the  situation  be  any  better  ?  what  would  it  say  ‘  sorry  i’m  betraying  you  and  the  crew  my  dad  called  me  ‘  ?  or  maybe  ‘  i’m  a  coward  you  mean  too  much  to  me  we’re  done  bye  ‘  ?  it  was  a  childish,  impulse  decision  she  had  long  learned  to  accept.  “  i  fucked  up,  “  a  short,  sad  laugh  accompanying  her  words,  “  i’m  fucked  up  —  that’s  the  best  reason  i  can  give  you  for  leaving,  ‘kay  ?  “  a  feeling  of  defeat  falling  on  her  shoulders  as  she  falls  to  the  couch  behind  her.  when  did  she  end  up  this  far  back  into  her  apartment  ? “  you’re  right  though  …  it  doesn’t  change  anything,  “  words  a  peace  offering.  because  he’s  right.  no  matter  where  this  conversation  landed  they  were  still  on  opposites  sides  of  a  crew  war.  destined  to  forever  be  at  the  odds  no  matter  where  they  were.  she  was  nariza  and  he  was  a  prowler,  natures  forever  foes.  they  could  never  know  true  peace.  “  i  just  never  got  to  tell  you  sorry  …  so  —  i’m  sorry  …  “  pause,  “  —  and  sorry  this  is  a  fucked  up  apology,  “  at  those  final  words  she  gestures  towards  the  door  of  her  apartment  allowing  him  an  out.

[wilds1de]

he's on sensory overload. mari's apology opened the floodgates he had kept tightly sealed for years. so much that festered in him coming to the surface in full force. so much he hadn't dealt with forcing its way. it's the anger, it's the dejection, it's the confusion. it's nothing pleasant or kind. he scoffs. "oh, thank you for saying it wasn't fair or right. what do i do with that information, mari? it's not like it changes anything, does it?" the more she speaks, the more he reacts. and the more he reacts, the angrier and the more dejected he becomes. the more fucked up and distraught he feels. maybe that's what closure felt like. it didn't feel like one, not that he claims to know. either way, it wasn't comforting, no. coming face first with pent up emotions was never a fun ride.

"you had to go? what the hell's that supposed to mean?" he pushes his fingers through his hair, an act of frustration. because still, mari's words leave him confused. it wasn't you. "don't," he says, tone bitter. "don't say it wasn't me." see, jihoon has blamed himself for all that happened. he wasn't enough for mari to stay. what they had wasn't a good enough reason for her to stay. her decision to leave was clearly one that didn't require much thought. he didn't clock that something was wrong when he had texted her and called her the day before he would ultimately find out she left. it's a different kind of hell knowing you would've done anything for someone, but not seeing the same thing in return. "we were together and you turned on your back on that. i just thought we meant something to each other." and he was so wrong. so, so wrong.

should he ask why she left? he shouldn't care enough to know. what good would it do? she still left. knowing the reason won't magically turn back time and change the outcome. he lets out a sigh. a million thoughts are racing through his brain in a speed he can't comprehend. he wasn't prepared for a conversation like this. granted, he was never going to be. "i still don't understand what you're saying. what do you mean?" he presses. what was so bad that made mari betray him, betray the crew, and run away and never look back?

finally.  in  the  awkward  small  talk  and  uncomfortable  silences  this  was  finally  the  reaction  she  was  searching  for.  it’s  the  heavy  punch  to  the  gut  she  had  been  expecting  since  new  years.  the  harsh  words  she  deserved  for  her  actions.  even  then  it’s  not  enough;  she  wants  thrashing,  yelling,  biting,  fighting.  a  reminder  of  the  numbing  hole  in  her  heart  left  the  night  she  walked  away.  she  wanted  to  press,  poke  and  tear  at  it  till  it  woke  up  red and bleeding.  it’s  what  she  deserved  after  the damage she left in her wake. “  it  wasn’t  fair  or  right  …  or  whatever  but  if  –  if  i  stayed  to  say  goodbye  to you … to everyone ...  “  a  swallow  and  a  moment  of  silence,  “  i  wouldn’t  have  gone  and  i  had  to  go.  “  it’s  illogical,  reasoning  she  cannot  explain  even  to  herself.  the  overwhelming  flight  instict  that  night  still  threatened  to  overwhelm  her,  suffocate  her.  in  three  years  she  had  never  allowed  herself  to  imagine  what  it  would  be  like  if  she  stayed.  a  heartbreaking  picture  cased  in  cracked  glass.  “  i’m  not  asking  you  to  understand  it  or  accept  it,  “  tone  turning  bitter,  tight,  “  you  just  need  to  know  …  it  wasn’t  you  …  it  wasn’t  ever  you.  “  how  cliche  it  was  to  say  :  it’s  not  you  it’s  me.  she  was  long  broken,  never  put  back  together  correctly  after  her  father’s  arrest.  exposed  edges  sharp  and  jagged  forever  destined  to  maim  those  she  came  in  contact  with. “  i  –  “  heavy  emphasis  on  the  i,  “  had  to  go,  “  she softly repeats herself. her  head  raises  to  look  back  at  him,  eyes  shining  with  a  plea  :  don’t  ask  why.  don’t  press  further.  please.  she’s  unsure  if  she  could  survive  recounting  it  to  him.  as  a  rule  she  never  spoke  of  her  father  or  childhood.  the  details  of  the  first  betryal  of  her  life  locked  tight  in  hear  head  under�� lock  and  key.  jihoon  being  one  of  the  only  people  ever  to  hear  the  details  from  mari  herself  and  he  handle  it  better  then  she  could  have  imagined. because of course he did.  forever  patient,  soft  and  safe  with  mari.  that’s  why  she  can’t  tell  him,  because  he’d  understand.  she  wasn’t  anywhere  near  deserving  of  that  understanding.

[wilds1de]

jihoon lets out a light chuckle. "well, alright then. glad to know i'm the first to let you do that." he shakes his head, have never seen someone so intrigued by something as simple as a fight bruise. then again, tem was tem, and if he thought about it more, he wouldn't find it at all surprising. he indulges her, all the same. "when's the last time you punched someone?" he wonders, because jihoon's convinced tem's deluding herself into believing she can punch, especially with the way her fist is looking right now. "okay, you're going to end up breaking your thumb." he reaches for her fist, takes out her thumb that was originally tucked inside the fist, and instead tucks it in front of her first, just below the line of her knuckles. "that's how your fist should look like." he folds his arms and shrugs. "tell me first why you were laughing and i'll give it to you," he says. he remembered the promise he made to her last time about getting her cans of cherry coke! "i even got myself a can, too. just to give it another try." even though he's ninety-nine percent positive his opinion will not change.

" well, no, but it's the first time someone's let me touch a fight bruise ! " a mad scientist would be proud of the giggle that leaves tem at that moment. finally pleased, she pulls back. " i know they can 'cause i can also punch ! " she makes the kind of fist where you'd break your hand if you hit that way. unspoken : she's majorly lost all the fights she's ever gotten in. but who knows ! maybe the next one will be the one ! still, jihoon looks like he wants his mind off valentines entirely, so she's glad to move onto something else for his sake. brightens at the mention of cherry coke. " you did ? let me see. gimme, please ? " hands folded together in front of her like a victorian child begging for coin. one of the only things she'll ever beg for is a can of cherry coke, her namesake. enough to let the fight conversation drop : though, her eyes do narrow in suspicion. jihoon sounds more like he'd grab her and pull her away from a fight than join in with her. suspicious. surely just her mind, though !

[wilds1de]

"i'm not doing anything." jihoon's quick to get slightly defensive, because tania's call out is not entirely out of place. he knows what they mean. he's pushing things under the rug. it's easier than dealing with whatever that was, not that his opinion would be any different. it has been three years. three years is a very long time. he's not supposed to expect people not to move on about their lives, especially when the crews' paths crossed more often than not. he's moved on, too, hasn't he? or at least, has buried the past in hopes he'd never have to rehash or access it again. tania remains a good friend who had no idea. and he stands by the fact that it's not his business what his ex girlfriend does. and well, hadn't he slept with rome's ex girlfriend too? he's not one to talk.

"no, tania, it really isn't my business," he says again. "we broke up before the split. she left with the others without my knowledge. as far as i'm concerned, it's something very much in the past. so i don't see how it's my business what she does." he looks over at them. even though he's hooked up with a nariza, it doesn't mean he isn't concerned about tania doing the same. he lets out a sigh. "as for you, you had no idea. so..." he trails off, shrugging. for jihoon, there was absolutely no reason for crew members who joined post split to know about relationship drama that went down before. not only was he a private person, but there was truly not reason or benefit to it. yes, he trusted tania, it's why he's telling them details of the break up, but before that, he didn't see a reason to bring up a relationship that ended and was left where it belonged: in the past. "see why i mean it isn't my business? you don't to apologize or anything. but thank you for telling me, either way."

if  tania  was  anyone  else,  maybe  this'd  be  enough  to  make  them  pull  over  and  stop  the  car.  maybe  it’s  not  a  conversation  that’s  appropriate  while  casually  driving  down  the  road.  definitely  not  a  conversation  they  should  be  having  when  they're  already  pressing  down  on  the  throttle  again,  the  car's  steady  hum  building  up  under  their  touch.  it's  almost  overpowering,  the  way  max  roars  to  life  again.  jihoon  really  did  wonders  with  whatever  tuning  he'd  been  doing.  and  yet,  this  is  somehow  tania’s  sick  version  of  a  thank  you  —  this  revelation  that  they  know  who  jihoon’s  ex  is  and  that  they’ve  slept  with  her  and—

“i  wish  you’d  stop  doing  that  sometimes,”  they  blurt  out.  the  words  slam  out  of  their  mouth  into  the  space  between  them.  it’s  almost  out  of  character  for  tania  to  say  them.  the  right  response  would’ve  been,  okay.  it’s  also  none  of  my  business  what  happened  between  you.  but  i  thought  you  should  know.  we  can  move  on  now.  that’s  always  what  they’ve  been  like.  but  something  about  this  feels  different.  they’ve  never  asked  about  what  jihoon’s  life  looked  like  before  the  crews  split.  never  needed  to  know,  really.  that’s  his  business.  and  yet.  “just  because  it  was  years  ago  doesn’t  mean—”  they  stop  —  brake  at  the  red  light.  can  we  go  back  to  talking  about  max’s  upgrades?  tania  almost  asks.  they  steal  another  glance  at  jihoon.  “it  still  kind  of  is  your  business.  she  still  is  your  ex.  however  many  years  ago  that  was  doesn’t  change  that  i  don’t  want  to  fuck  your  ex,  because  she’s  your  ex.”  if  they  were  anyone  else,  maybe  it’d  be  easier  to  say,  because  you’re  my  friend,  jihoon.  “well,”  they  say  instead.  the  light  stays  red.  “doesn’t  matter  anymore  now.  it’s  not  happening  again.  just—  couldn’t  keep  that  from  you.”  and  then,  because  it’s  out  in  the  open  anyway:  “sorry  it  happened.”

[wilds1de]

apologies were just mere words. as far as eliana was concerned, people needed to show action to really prove how sorry they were. sure, with chrissy, it was (mostly) in jest, but they wouldn't pass on an opportunity to be dramatic. and hey, if she was going to get something for it, then why not! "what? you think i'd make it that easy and tell you how?" anyone who knew eliana knew what she liked, so it wouldn't be that hard to think something up. "attention's always a good reason. you're hot, so," she points out. "that's not too bad then, i suppose. and there will be more nights to come, which you shouldn't miss out on! just a reminder!"

★        ꒰       🦋       ꒱        a   small   pout   formed   on   her   features,   head   canting   slightly   as   she   looked   the   other   over.   she   felt   bad   for   flaking   on   her   friend,   and   she   fully   intended   to   make   it   up   to   eliana.   chrissy   was   someone   who   liked   to   be   seen   as   dependable,   and   she   would   work   towards   ensuring   her   companion   was   aware   of   the   fact   that   she   was.   “   mmm   .   .   .   if   an   apology   won't   suffice   .   .   .   how   can   i   make   it   up   to   you   ?   ”   she   questioned,   a   faint   smile   tugging   at   her   lips.   “   well,   i   do   love   the   attention,   and   the   money's   not   so   bad,   either.   i   guess   it   was   half   worth   it.   but   i   am   still   sad   i   missed   out   on   last   night.   ”

[wilds1de]

"you do that. just a quick 'hey, i'm getting into a fight at x location' and i'll come running." nothing like some drama or a scene to get eliana moving. while she would never be one to engage in a physical altercation, watching them was more than fun. with how boring things got more often than not, watching drama unfold was what she needed, like her own personal teen tv show. "oh, yeah, it's been the talk of everyone for the past few days. made some of these fights look greater than they actually were the more i knew. did you win against sloane, at least?" because isn't that what matters, at the end of the day? she scrunches her nose at the sight of the missing nail. she can't imagine how heartbreaking (or painful) this must be. "not a missing nail. at least i hope it hurt darius too, just so losing a nail wasn't in vain." he's a man, he'll get over it!

" right, i'll make sure to give you a call before i punch someone in the face, " mirae jokes, rolling her eyes at the thought of it all. she'd acted out, perfectly on par with what was expected of her, just a few moments taken to unravel her wrath on an unsuspecting pair of bodies. granted, she was sure she'd never see one of them again anyway. just as wildfires spread, they were almost always put out, nothing but embers left to flicker in the face of their destruction. " people talk too much. at least my fight with sloane at body was more exciting, there's no fun in it when they don't hit you back. " she lets out a sigh, white wine set on the table while she leans back on the couch. " as much as i adore the idea of you as my cheerleader, i'm all out of commission. " a manicured hand that's missing one nail is admired, a frown settling on her features. " hurts like a fuckin' bitch. must be from darius and his stupid triangle jaw. "

[wilds1de]

jihoon's a simple person. when things felt too bleak, being around cars in any capacity helped. cars always successfully provided the distraction he sought. if he wasn't buried deep under the hood of a car, he was speeding down miami's roads in his own car. it was that simple. he's the passenger today, with xile driving above speed limit, but it does the trick all the same. and lately, all he's been doing is seeking a distraction of any kind. he wasn't picky about it. "they better not. i fear they'll come face-to-face with xile rosario's wrath," he teases lightly. except he wants the fire sauce as well, but you will not find him going back and asking for it if it was indeed missing. he looks in his bag as well to double check on his order. "yeah, all's right. they got me the fire sauce too. they missed it last time i ordered. noticed the food doesn't hit the same way without it. are we eating that outside or is your car about to smell like taco bell for the next two days?" jihoon's a bit obnoxious about eating in his own car. he does not allow it, thank you very much.

☆        closed   starter   for   @wilds1de,   won   jihoon

☆        located   at   bay   parking   garage. ↪        cruise   action   prompt    —    flipped.   there   is   no   real   privacy   in   the   won-seo   household,   improvisation   leads   them   to   the   garage   with   bags   of   taco   bell.

the   itch   was   coming   back.   every   three   months,   like   clockwork,   there'd   be   this   irritation   under   her   skin.   something   that   would   keep   poking,   prodding,   until   she   ended   up   somewhere   in   the   keys   or   tampa,   even   tallahassee,   racing   around   a   track   she   had   no   business   on.   it   was   dangerous,   maybe   borderline   stupid,   and   no   one   knew   about   it.   felt   the   itch   this   morning   soon   as   she   got   up   from   bed,   pacified   it   by   driving   way   above   the   speed   limit   from   jihoon's   place   to   taco   bell   to   the   bay   parking   garage.   it'd   come   back,   she   knew,   but   it   was   enough   for   now.     “    they   better   not   have   forgotten   my   fire   sauce,    ”       arm   half   way   into   the   bag,   head   ducking   to   look   for   the   miniature   sauce   packets,     “    ever   since   it   came   out,   can't   have   my   taco   bell   without   it.    ”       a   roar   of   victory   when   she   finds   the   ten   fire   sauces   she   requested   at   the   drive   through   window,   a   look   over   to   where   jihoon   was   planted   in   the   passenger   seat   of   her   car,     “    they   get   everything   right   for   you?    ”

[wilds1de]

jihoon stays quiet for some time. he's not the best at dealing with such situations. he's more of a listener than a talker, and he doesn't always know the right thing to say. if someone is drunk and nostalgic about the past, what can he even say to that? nothing, really. "did you... get rid of the truck?" he wonders. he would never get rid of his own car even if it's broken beyond repair, having developed an attachment to it over the years. call him sentimental or whatever. it's been with him for years now. he clears his throat, shaking his head a little. "it's fine. i'm not the best person to reminisce with, though. sorry about that." because he himself doesn't see any use of it.

“was my ma's before she passed it down t'me.” she kisses the photo before sliding it (less than gracefully) back into her wallet. she worked on it more than she ever drove it, which was probably why she grew so attached to it in the end. “truck's gone now. scrapped. beyond fixin', even for me.” she's worked on prettier, sleeker cars since then. still, there's something unforgettable about your first.

“ugh. listen t'me. a couple drinks in 'n i'm suddenly in the mood for reminiscin'. didn't mean to talk you ear off.”

[wilds1de]

eliana studies the pictures like she's doing research. after all, picking a picture is serious business! they had to study every angle and see what picture captured jisung's features best. they treat their own pictures in the same manner. the choice would always need to be perfect. "sounds like you were busy that night," they tease playfully. "anything you wanna share?" as nosy as ever. they liked to know what was going on around them, sue them! "ugh, apparently there was quite a lot of fighting at heartbreaker bar. not that i saw any of it because i didn't spend as much time there. i don't know why everyone wanted to fight there when they could've moved it to 12welve. y'think there was something in the drinks there?" she rolls her eyes before she continues scrolling through the pictures. "okay, we have a winner!" they announce proudly, handing jisung's his phone back. "this one. perfect angle. focuses on both your face and your fit."

face   positively   squished   into   the   arm   rest   of   the   couch   ,   eyes   resting   upon   the   other   as   they   took   his   phone   from   his   hands   .   to   some   this   might   seem   like   a   mundane   thing   .   .   .   something   that   wasn't   even   worth   mentioning   -   but   to   jisung   there   lay   something   much   deeper   and   meaningful   .   trust   didn't   come   easy   these   days   ,   especially   not   for   someone   like   him   .   especially   not   in   his   position   (   too   many   burns   cluttered   across   experiences   he'd   simply   had   to   make   )   .   but   who   was   to   know   better   of   it   than   eliana   ?   someone   he   valued   highly   in   his   own   personal   ranks   he'd   made   up   in   his   mind   palace   .   so   despite   muscle   memory   kicking   in   ,   trying   to   grab   back   the   phone   .   .   .   jisung   calmed   easy   .   “   ugh   ,   I   know   right   ?   guess   I've   been   flash   banged   by   everythin'   that   happened   that   night   .   speakin'   of   .   .   .   what   even   did   happen   ?   ”   shifting   ,   now   propped   up   on   his   elbows   .   “   heard   a   lot   of   shit   ,   but   y'know   how   that   goes   .   every   wind   adds   a   lil'   dust   to   it   .   sooo   .   d'yknow   anythin'   ?   ”   yet   another   alternation   had   him   sitting   crossed   legged   .   eyes   attentive   as   they   watched   eliana   .   “   of   course   ,   I   never   forget   a   favor   ,   y'know   that   .   especially   when   I'm   in   the   presence   of   such   an   able   bein'   .   " 

[wilds1de]

mari’s words are like a bomb. they ring in his ears in the worst possible way. they're unexpected and sudden. he's quiet throughout, gaze fixed on her as she lets out words he's thought about over a hundred times. a sick feeling bubbles in the pit of his stomach, that gradually grows more and more intense by the second, like her words are what’s feeding it and making it fester. the words don’t soothe any of the pent up hurt and pain she left behind. it’s three years too late.

jihoon stands there and all he can think of is the day he found out she was gone. the night before had been good. they get some takeout and have dinner at her apartment. they talk and laugh. their clothes end up on the floor of the bedroom. they later fall asleep with mari wrapped tightly in his arms. nothing had been amiss. maybe he was too blind by how he felt for her that it blinded him. he kisses her the next day before he heads to the auto shop. she doesn’t answer his texts, but jihoon assumes she is just busy. that was his first mistake, assuming if something was wrong, mari would tell him. he was wrong. all hell breaks loose with the news of the split. it’s a lot. what makes it worse is hearing mari’s name in the list of people who left. you’re wrong, something’s not right, she wouldn’t do this, he remembers saying. he remembers searching for her between the remaining prowlers. he remembers texting and calling her. he had been desperate to find her and just hear her voice, desperate for her to tell him it’s silly of him to think she would just leave like that. jihoon was so very wrong. and that’s the story. it didn’t have a good ending in the slightest. it was cruel and harsh. he didn’t deserve it.

“you’re sorry?” he blurts out, a bite to his words. he had actively tried to keep her in the past. it’s where she belonged. she didn’t have a place in his present or future. he believed pushing those emotions and thoughts into a box, tightly sealing it and locking it would solve this. he wouldn’t need an explanation or closure. but her words, and the way she plays it off so casually, unlock it all, his blood boils in his veins. “the way you went about things…” he repeats her own words, letting out a light scoff, emphasizing on the choice of words. as if what they had was a simple ‘thing’. as if the way she ended it was just a simple, trivial ‘thing’. “you never meant to what?” he presses. “is it that you left me without a word? that i had to find out about it from the crew?” it was embarrassing. she had been his girlfriend and she broke it off without his knowledge, like he wasn’t worthy of being broken up with respectfully. but that’s the thing: they always saw each other differently. she had been his entire world, till she wasn’t anymore. equal parts hurt and anger flash intensely in his eyes. “say it, mari. and then tell me, what i’m supposed to do about this apology.”

the  list  of  apologizes  she  owes  to  jihoon  is  never-ending  seeming  to  grow  by  each  week.  one  always  strays  to  top  of  her  mind,  the  one  forever  left  unsaid.  “  i’m  sorry  for  leaving.  “  a  simple  statement,  a  truth  long  held  back.  she  holds  his  eyes  as  speaks,  afraid  he’ll  mistake  her  for  lying  if  she  looks  anywhere  but  at  him.  “  i  never  meant  –  “  the  words  dropping  as  she  struggles  to  gather  herself,  “  it  wasn’t  fair  to  you,  the  way  i  went  about  things  back  then,”  a  nervous  pause  as  she  shuffles  her  feet to the side,  “  so  …  i’m  just  sorry.  “  the  truth  of  her  last  day  as  a  prowlers  was  a  secret  long  kept  between  her  and  hyunsik.  she  hadn’t  even  heard  her  father’s  voice  on  the  other  end  of  the  line,  only  the  automation  of  the  jail  message  playing  before  slamming  the  phone  shut.  the  message  reminder  enough  :  even  those  closest  to  you  will  lie  and  hurt  you.  at  the  time  it  was  easier,  running  and  never  looking  back.  the  consequences  of  her  actions  behind  her,  on  the  other  side  of  crew  lines.  from  her  new  life  she  could  hide  from  the  damage  she  left  behind,  the  marks  she  left  on  once  friends,  the  heartbreak  she  left  on  jihoon.  in  the  new  twisted  narrative  she  could  believe  that  he  she  hadn’t  left  her  heart  behind  in  the  prowlers.  she  made  her  bed  and  she’d  have  to  lie  in  it.  perhaps  it  was  time;  maturity  and  responsibility  sinking  in  with  age  that  has  her  apologizing  now.  maybe  it  was  the  one,  two  punch  to  the  skull  from  xile  knocking  sense  into  her  (  something  she’d  never  verbally  admit  ).  “  you  don’t  have  to  accept  it,  i  just  wanted  you  to  know.  “  she  plays  it  off  nonchalantly,  shrugging  her  shoulders.

[wilds1de]

maybe, just maybe... things would be easier between them if they didn't belong to enemy crews. but if you looked closely, this wasn't all about the crews, no. but it was easy to partially use that as an excuse. the reality of the matter was that it was more than that. it was about giving someone your heart, your trust, access to your thoughts—the good and bad—and them treating all of it like it was something to break into irreparable little pieces and dispose of so easily. and because of that, jihoon has rebuilt those walls again to shield himself from her, walls she had once successfully broken down. he didn't think he'd need them, but 2007 had other plans. sure, they had reached some sort of silent truce during the valentine's day party, both too tired and exhausted to think. but being here with her alone in her apartment, holding onto the shirt she'd had for the past three years when she could've easily thrown it out has somehow brought them back to square one, in a way. not that they ever made progress, if jihoon was honest with himself, and it's partially because it's just to be that way that rehashing buried thoughts and emotions and coming face-to-face with it all.

then she's apologizing. he grips the door handle but doesn't it twist it open. he was seconds away from running away yet again. he turns out to face her, seeing that she's taken a few steps towards him in the meantime. his brows furrow, confusion evident and coloring his features. she's sorry? the words ring in his ears, like an alarm clock. if he allowed his thoughts to run wild, he'd start to wonder all the possible things she could mean by those words... except jihoon rarely allows himself to go down that sort of route. it's dangerous and hurtful more than anything, so he asks, "what?" a pause. "i mean... i'm not sure what you're saying. sorry for what?"

eyes  follow  his  as  he  scans  the  permitter  of  her  apartment.  she  finds  herself  wondering  what  he  sees  there,  what  facets  of  her  he  sees  within  these  new  walls.  focus  shifting  to  his  face  trying  to  decipher  his  features.  once  upon  a  time  she  could  read  him  like  a  book,  fluent  in  jihoon’s  micro  facial  expression.  time  had  hardened  him.  the  familiar  hallmarks  hidden  away  from  her.  she  can’t  blame  him  given  the  circumstances  they  found  themselves  in.  “  just  a  few  months,  “  shoulders  shrugging  with  her  answer.  long  learned  her  lesson  after  living  with  julian,  that  mari  was  best  living  on  her  own.  the  studio  she  found  herself  in  was  perfect  for  that.  as  if  she  would  ever  throw  anything  away  of  jihoon’s.  returning  it  was  the  safe  option  than  holding  on  to  it  and  letting  the  longing  fester,  “  no  biggie  …  it’s  yours.  you  deserve  it  back.  “  she  answers  simply  watching  him  take  the  sweater  from  her  hands.  the  finality  of  their  relationship  feeling  symbolized  as  it  slips  out  of  her  fingers.  in  another  life  she’s  hold  on  tight  ;  not  let  it  go,  not  let  him  go.  in  this  space  away  from  the  rest  of  the  world  they  feel  like  jihoon  and  mari  again.  not  nazia  mari  and  prowler  jihoon.  just  them.  emotions  roaring  in  her  ears  she  barely  registers  his  escape  towards  the  door.  perhaps  it’s  the  change  in  herself  she’s  unconsciously  felt  since  valentine’s  day  that  has  her  calling  out,  “  jihoon,  “  taking  a  hestiant  step  towards  him,  letting  the  words  hang  in  the  air  for  a  moment  before  continuing,  “  i’m  sorry.  “  it’s  an  apology  three  years  too  late.

[wilds1de]

location: track-one

featuring: rome ( @overdr1ves )

jihoon's reaching for the bottle of vodka situated between him and rome. he's found the pair an empty enough spot for them to unwind after taking rome's car for a few test laps after the check up he had done before valentine's day. with the party coming smack in the middle of everything, the test drive had to be postponed a few days, much to his dismay. but they're here and the car's performance is up to his expectations and satisfaction. he takes a small sip from the bottle, handing it over to his friend, eyeing his bruises with a small smirk. "you couldn't stay out of trouble, could you?" he jokes. never mind the bruises on his own face! it's a little comical the same thing ended up happening to them. "you didn't tell me who beat you up that bad."

[wilds1de]

location: rodani wheels

featuring: victoria ( @anelectrichigh )

he has no clue how long he's been working on this car. he's completely lost track of time, forgetting to eat and even have a sip of water. but that's what happens whenever he's in the auto shop. he doesn't mind it one bit. after all, he's doing what he loves, so why would he mind? the sound of footsteps getting closer gets his attention, looking up from under the hood of the car, spotting victoria. "if you're here to annoy me, at least tell me you've brought me lunch or something to make up for it," he begins, a light playfulness to his tone. he feels hungry, now that he's taken a few minutes away from working on the car. "i deserve that, at least."

[wilds1de]

when mari first left, he saw her in every corner of his apartment. if he could afford another place, he would've moved out for his own sanity, but time heals—even if it didn't do its job completely. in a way, he's glad mari moved apartments, because this new place holds no memories of their relationship, almost serving like support. he isn't supposed to be coming in. part of him was expecting to take whatever thing of his at the door and leave. wouldn't that be easier for both of them? less chance to talk, less chance to think and wonder. he didn't see any good in walking in. but he is walking in either way, words trapped in his throat, preventing him from attempting to control the situation.

he's not supposed to be looking around either. but he does, nosiness winning. he sees bits and pieces of mari in the apartment, even though the space is unfamiliar and new to him. this is not just his ex girlfriend's new apartment. this is also the apartment of a nariza boi crew member. it's like her old place would be associated with her prowler days in his head, and this place... this place is for the nariza boi marigold amin. a stranger. he exhales, keeping quiet as he follows her inside. "—you have a nice place. have you been here long?" he reaches for the sweater, takes him a couple seconds to remember it. "oh shit, i totally forgot about that." his memory was never the best! "you could've just thrown it away. i was never going to notice," he adds sheepishly. "but thank you." mari's disorganization was something he remembers well, much to his dismay. not like he was better at organization. "i'll, um, i'll let you go back to your spring cleaning then. i'm sure that's not fun." cleaning is the bane of his existence and he has to thank minkyu for taking over that annoying task. "good luck. and thanks again." with that he turns around, beelining towards the door and reaching for the door handle. he needed to be out of here.

for  a  moment  eyes  still  on  the  word  ‘  sure  ‘  on  her  phone.  part  of  her  had  expected  getting  back  a  ‘  sorry  wrong  number  ‘  or  worse  no  reply  at  all.  there’s  a  short,  sick  thrill  in  knowing  that  he  hadn’t  blocked  her  number.  he  had  all  the  reasons  in  the  world  to  do  so.  regaining  herself  she  types  the  address  to  her  new  apartment  sending  it  with  a  quick  woosh  on  her  phone.  there’s  no  time  to  regret  or  panic  now,  jihoon  was  coming  here  now.  she  reminds  herself  that  here  is  a  better  meeting  place  then  anywhere  else.  there  were  no  prying  eyes  of  crew  or  enemy  crew  members,  there  were  eyes  everywhere  in  miami.  that  doesn’t  deter  the  big  red  danger  sign  that  hung  above  her  and  jihoon  being  alone  together.  somewhere  warning  signs  were  blaring,  ‘  bad  idea  bad  idea  ‘  !  with  a  quick  peak  in  the  mirror  by  her  front  door  (  she  totally  didn’t  take  a  second  to  fluff  her  hair  )  she’s  opening  the  door  welcoming  him  into  her  space.  “  hi.  “  the  response  is  uncharacteristically  soft  taking  a  step  back  leading  him  into  the  living  room  kitchen  combo.  her  brain  struggles  to  connect  jihoon  in  this  space.  she’s  filed  so  many  memories  in  her  brain  :  jihoon  with  a  wrench  under  a  car  at  rodani  wheels,  jihoon  laughing  on  her  old  apartment  couch,  jihoon  slurping  up  noodles  at  their  old  favorite  ramen  restaurant,  jihoon’s  soft  sleeping  face  beside  her  in  the  early  morning.  there’s  a  struggle  to  connect  that  jihoon  in  her  new  nariza  space.  she  shouldn’t  even  try,  it  wasn’t  like  it  would  last  longer  than  a  few  moments.  “  oh  …  “  a  pause  as  she  moves  to  pick  up  the  wrinkled  sweater  she  stashed  on  the  counter,  “  here  —  “  she  holds  it  out  to  him,  “  it  probably  got  mixed  up  in  my  stuff  when  i  moved  …  never  been  the  most  organized  person.  “  the  words,  ‘  you  know  that  ‘  dying  on  her  lips.  “  i  was  just  doing  some  cleaning  —  you  know  spring  cleaning  ?  i  found  it  and  figured  after  everything  you  probably  want  it  back  …  “