whispersfrommydemon

[whispersfrommydemon]

[whispersfrommydemon]

A New Arrival

The medication tends to give me spats of depression now and again, which I don’t mind. But I personified this feeling of great sadness and looked to see what turned up:

It was adorable. Tiny and rodent-like with big, sad eyes and fluffy ears. It sat there on its bottom, sniveling. I just wanted to hold it and comfort it.

My demon was inquisitive on the new arrival and slowly approached, giving the thing a gentle poke.

Suddenly it immediately burst into uncontrollable tears and crawled under a tiny, fluffy blanket, sobbing loudly. It’s so adorable and it just sits there being unimaginably sad and all you want to do is take care of it, but the second you touch it it breaks down into tears.

A little later, I found that the sad thing had crawled into my lap. I went to touch it but it immediately made an aggressive noise of intense irritation and I withdrew. It really doesn’t like to be touched. Poor baby.

(Illustration by Carissa Kaye Powell)

[whispersfrommydemon]

Deformography /// instagram

[whispersfrommydemon]

— a heart’s a heavy burden

@ anonymous request ‘male leaning avian demon’

[whispersfrommydemon]

Medication

So... amazing. I started taking medication for the first time a couple of months ago and it’s been the best decision I’ve ever made. My demon still likes to scratch and scare me... or ‘attempt’ to scare me, but the way it affects me has changed. That excruciating fear and insane anxiety has been brought down to a level of normality that I can actually deal with.

Now, my demon almost sounds desperate when it whispers to me. Like it’s trying too hard. Now and again it actually makes me chuckle with how persistent and aggravated it sounds. Like it’s trying everything it possibly can to terrify me but nothing is getting through. I still deal with it on a daily basis, but mostly it’s quiet and bored... and sulking.

I’ve been learning that a good way of dealing with my demon is to not react, no matter how much it tries to provoke me. Now, whenever it hisses ‘It’s going to make you sick, right this second!’ I immediately stop, turn and and stare straight into it’s simmering eyes. ‘Really?’ I say ‘Prove it. Seems fine to me.’ I stare the poor thing down until it gives up, embarrassed, and desperately tries to find another excuse. Another way to strike fear.

[whispersfrommydemon]

[whispersfrommydemon]

Cinema Trigger

My goodness I’ve been doing well. SO well. I’ve actually been forgetting about my demon. It’s been small and quiet, standing just outside my line of sight. 

I had a bit of a trigger the other day, though. The cinema again. We were going to see ‘Bad Times At The El Royale’ (good film by the way - great acting, really worth seeing) and I was a little nervous beforehand because I knew it was going to be violent. Not only this, but I hadn’t listened to my hypnosis for a couple of days and was lacking the strength I usually get from that. Despite this though, I thought I’d be able to manage. Definitely didn’t think it would be as bad as it was. 

So this is what happened: We stepped into the screening room, and instantly I was hit with this strange smell. No a cinema smell, something else. Something kind of gross. Immediately, without a second lost, my demon began to hiss into my ear...

You know what that smells like? Sick.

(I tried to rationalise) That’s ridiculous. 

But what if it is?

Ok. So what? Maybe someone was just Ill. Poor them. 

But what if they weren’t just ill? What if the movie made them sick?

 ....Well- 

You’ve heard about those movies in the past that have made audiences actually be sick. Cloverfield? Maybe it’s one of those?

I’ve never had a movie make me sick. And even if it was one of those, what makes one person sick wouldn’t necessarily also make me sick.

But you don’t know that. No until it happens. It’s not certain. You could be sick.

...Besides, if it was one of those movies, there’d have been reviews- 

But this is the first day it’s been released. There’s been no reviews yet. It’s not like you could check anyway.

 .....Uh..........

It’s going to make you sick. 

No. No, no!

Haha. Yes! The movie’s going to make you be sick!

There was nothing to confirm or deny whether the smell was indeed sick, but my demon took that small idea and ran with it. Laughing under it’s breath. Raking it’s claws over my skin. Clenching its talons around my throat. Squeezing. SQUEEZING.

At no point during the film was I able to relax. I was terrified. I wanted to leave. I even considered walking out at one point, but I forced myself to stay. I had to stay and prove my demon wrong. And I was right. I was fine. Nothing happened. But I haven’t had an attack like that for MONTHS, and it’s scared me a bit. Annoyed me, actually. That I let my demon run so wildly. But it doesn’t matter. I’ve had setbacks before and I’ve gotten over them. No matter how long it takes. 

[whispersfrommydemon]

Trigger Discovery

I just realized something the other day. Cinemas are triggering for me. And I know why.

About a year ago I had a terrifically bad (like, seriously, not good) nausea/panic attack episode at the cinema whilst watching Dunkirk. Didn’t help in the slightest that the movie I was watching was incredibly tense and stressful. I ended up having to walk out to try and control my nausea. Then I tried to go back in but it just made it worse, so I had to stay outside.

Might just add that the nausea I was experiencing was caused by the contraception pill I was taking at the time... But I wouldn't realize that for another three months when it was too late.

I don’t generally go to the cinema a lot, but now whenever I do go and am watching something stressful, my demon starts whispering. It tells me that I’m going to have the same nausea episode and that I should run away. It makes me panic. But I know that what it’s telling me won’t happen. No matter how much it tries to persuade me to leave, I will stay.

That’s my thing, by the way. As soon as my demon starts whispering to me, trying to scare me into running away, I immediately have to do it. It’s like something in my brain suddenly switches. For example:

‘Wait. Oh no... What if *this* happens? It could definitely happen. That would be terrifying. I really don’t want that happen. Maybe I shouldn't do it... I’m not going to- RIGHT. THAT’S IT. I’M DOING IT.’

[whispersfrommydemon]

Sometimes my demon is enticing. It is beautiful. ‘Give in.’ it whispers ‘Fall into my embrace and we shall spiral together. Into the darkness.’

[whispersfrommydemon]

A Moment Of Peace

My demon is constantly telling me that I am going to be sick. All the time. Because it’s what I fear the most. But two months after my last setback and finally it’s starting to stop. Or, at least, calm down.

I walked around a park today. By myself. And for once, I enjoyed it. My demon had been whispering fears to me about it before, so I’d been avoiding going there alone. But this time, I took off my shoes and lay in the grass… And my demon lay next to me. It didn’t say anything. It gently poked me now and again, but mostly it was calm and watched the clouds. In that moment, it didn’t seem so bothered about terrifying me. It was allowing me to appreciate life’s beauty.

[whispersfrommydemon]

I never asked to be like this

[whispersfrommydemon]

trust yourself. you’ve survived a lot, and you’ll survive whatever is coming

[whispersfrommydemon]

Pill Trigger

I've been doing well. Very well. And it's annoyed my demon to no end. It lounges across the room, wining loudly at me. It wants to play but I won't let it. Recently though, I had to take some pills for a medical problem, and ended up having a horrible bout of nausea. This re-triggered everything, setting me back in my progress. And, oh my goodness, did my demon love it. It was back. Giggling. Constraining me. Clawing. Whispering fears into my ear. But I've been fighting it. It's taken me a month, but I'm gradually getting back to where I was. Not To Self: When my demon makes the prospect of doing something scary - DO IT ANYWAY. (Make sure it's annoyed, not amused)

[whispersfrommydemon]

My demon may look inviting, but that's what it wants. It wants you to feel safe. To let go. To give in. It won't let you see its teeth till it's too late.

[whispersfrommydemon]

🌹 (C.B)(6.7.18)

[whispersfrommydemon]

[whispersfrommydemon]

There is literally nothing in nature that blooms all year long, so do not expect yourself to do so.