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[wheretheunseenlies]

Writing now (even if I don't feel like it) because I am afraid I'll forget this memory entirely.

I must say, it wasn't that special but, it wasn't a memory I would want to get rid of either. It's not weird, it's just...something I hoped I remembered clearly? If that makes sense.

I think it was around 8th grade, and I was going home kind of late than usual (7pm as what I remember, my class ends at 5pm). Pumara ako ng jeep. And I sit in front, beside the driver. Shortly after, my teacher sat beside me. The seats at the back were fully occupied. The front seat can accomodate 2 people so, no problem.

I greeted him and he greeted back. I think we had a small talk (and joked that I should get the payment for the driver) and then we got stuck in a traffic jam. The jeepney stopped in front of a hospital.

He told me that he never liked one.

The white paint.

The smell of chemicals.

It was his mom that was hospitalized, from what I remembered.

It was a really bad memory for him.

Okay, this was an awkward situation for me because I don't know how to respond and I can not resonate with his feelings. But I did felt that my heart sank with him telling the story.

I know there is so much more I can get from it but, I guess I'm too tired that day. However, the feeling lingers.

I have no clue why I feel so sad whenever that memory crosses my mind and I can't remember it well. My heart just ached.

I think it could be a memory that I can treasure but, I am letting it go now.

Was is too dramatic? Bruuuuh

But I don't really care so...yeah.

He's a great teacher, by the way. We sometimes bump into each other inside a jeepney because we are taking the same way home. I don't know if a lot of his students knew but, I saw a tattoo peeking through his 1/4 sleeves on his right arm. Just a fun fact, I guess. He's funny as heck as well. I wish I had known him more after that jeepney moment.

But it's all fine now. This has been bugging me from time to time for the past 5 years and now, it's time to say good bye.

Bye!

[wheretheunseenlies]

Wow, finally. This question in quora was worded perfectly for what I'm feeling!

[wheretheunseenlies]

My curly hair update!

Yay! It's been 3 months since I started my journey and the improvement is impressive! Can I have a pat on the back?

I never thought I can really wear down my hair all my life and I got compliments for it! I still feel awkward showing it to people and actually wearing it in public.

I kind of regret that I never learnt this from my early years that maybe, just maybe, I can lessen my insecurities a little. But anyway, I figured it out myself and what's inportant is I started it.

Please pray for my wallet 'cause CG products takes it all away, lol.

P. S.

I was actually about to post this on the gram but my anxiety went over the space so...yeah.

[wheretheunseenlies]

Okay, why am I in this video? Not physically present but-- yeah.

1. Bad attitude towards teamwork

I would like to kinda debunk this based on my own experience. I have worked on a lot in groups especially at school and even leading some of it. I don't think I have bad attitude towards it unless people around me are uncooperative which is a common case for people who strives success for the group. I think I'm more likely leaning on working individually when I kind of predict that the outcome I want will not exist if I work with many people. However, if groupings are necessary, I wouldn't really make a big deal out of it. Just a lot of complaints and tantrums at first and questioning why groupings are invented but, eventually get hold of myself again.

2. Overthinking

The countless times I ovethink in a day, gosh. I even perhaps overthink more than I breathe. This is very frustrating. I know that I should not overthink something because no one actually cares but it just goes on and on and on. I'm still learning to lessen it nowadays but there are really times that I can not just stop it. My brain just have a brain on its own.

3. Self-depreciation

I don't think introverts only experience this one. But the thing is, they overthink a lot so most probably, if self-depreciation became a habit, it just progresses and worsens which I did experience. Yes, I became aware of it and still working on it. Self-depreciation have been a habit to me due to endless comparisons and indirectly implying that I'm not enough by me and the people around me. I know that no one will read this post but, I'm just not going to name anyone here. You know, when you're young, you just get everything into your head and it just stays there. But as I grew up, I learned to be more strong minded and repel whatever makes my wall crumble. Sometimes the it penetrates, but I need to be able to build the walls again.

4. Bottling-up emotions

I also don't think introverts only experience this. But because introverts are not that sociable they resort on bottling-up emotions. I've been bottling-up emotions for the past years and sometimes I address it (through writing) and sometimes I don't (when I'm too lazy to write). I've became unexpressive of my emotions. I don't when it started but, I just started to not talk about my feelings to other people.

Now that I think about it, have I been bottling-up my emotions since I was a child? I've written numerous diaries before. Of course, I would express my emotions from time to time but, totally different from now. I hope not.

5. Pessimism

I definitely have a huge pessimistic side of me. I think because I think too logically and realistically, fantasies don't entice me anymore. The world is too cruel. Happiness is a luxury.

6. Lost of identity

OMYGOSH MAN THIS. Since I'm not the one who's giving off the energy, I am the one who absorb too much energy from other people together with there personality. I don't really know how it works but, I just sometimes ask myself, "Am I really this kind of person?" way too many times because my identity just vanished. Still in the process of finding myself.

7. Cutting-off contact

Just gonna reminisce the memories of people I ghosted, lol. This is in no way a romantic relationship. Just friendship in general. I just can't explain to them that I will just contact them maybe once a week or something when they are expecting constant communication. I don't even know how to end it either. I just ended them early.

I would definitely sound a bad person here but, currently I am thinking of cutting-off my friends. No issues, they have been a really good friend to me but, I personally think I don't deserve them. If I would be honest, it's kind of hard to catch up on them. The thing is, there is no common ground anymore, at least for me. My relationship to them became shallow and the huge fault is on me, of course. I can't deny that. Three of them are childhood friends so there's this certain bond to them that I couldn't cross no matter what. I can't bring it up to them because it will become awkward for sure. This cutting-off thing is bugging me to the core. I really don't know what to do.

[wheretheunseenlies]

I grew up in a family where physical connection is not prioritized. Although I would say that my father is quite affectionate towards me but, I wasn't greatly influenced by it. And now, there's this unexplainable feeling inside me about being repulsive towards intimacy.

The thing is, I wasn't as repulsed as I was before. My curious mind about love and intimacy opened a lot of doors for me through the internet. I am the type of person to figure things out my own and jumping into the rabbit hole became a habit when it comes to things I am obsessed to know.

However, the more I dig in throughout the years of my youth, the more I realize that it is not my thing. Physical affection/intimacy is not my thing. I am actually apalled even just thinking of it.

The weird thing is, I am a huuuge fan of k-dramas and WAS a huge consumer of rom-coms. A hopeless romantic, yes. I have also read a lot of romance novels before and I really liked it. I still kind of like it now, but I am leaning more on action and thrillers (in which I despise before, like seriously). So I don't quite understand where is this coming from.

I am still welcoming friendly hugs and no more than that.

As I was scrolling through the comments on the video, I see people who actually turned 180 and I am relieved to come across it. Because in reality, this feeling is very confusing and frustrating.

I do really hope to overcome it.

[wheretheunseenlies]

People around me usually describe me as a calm person. One of my close cousins even told me that she never seen me angry and asked me why. I took those as a compliment until I learnt that it was all repressed emotions.

I am aware that I always hold back my 'negative' emotions and even mastering it. I know the reason why I feel a certain way but, I tend to not address it — thinking it was all unnecessary drama I'm creating myself.

But it wasn't. And I never thought it would greatly affect my interpersonal relationships in which I'm struggling at.

Wow, this just blew my mind and I don't what to do.

[wheretheunseenlies]

Embracing My Curls

By doing a lot of YouTubing this pandemic, I learned a lot about myself which helped me to accept who I am. So, I recently heard about this 'Curly Girl Method' in which is a method that teaches curly women/men to take care of their curls. AND MY MAN HOW I WISH I KNEW THIS A LONG TIME AGO!

Seeing these curly ladies rocking those big and fluffy curls just makes me realize, "Wow, I can also be like that". This is the first time in yeeeears I encountered such people who are proud and encourage others to embrace their curls as well.

Growing up, I am aware that I have curly hair. My mom would always put my hair into pigtails and braids just like any other kid. I never wore my hair down curly, unless it was straightened. As time passes by, I grew insecure about my hair so I would always braid it in different styles (which I liked) just to tame all the big fluff ball I have or just plain bun.

Most of the people around me always tell me that I am pretty when I have straight hair and always encouraged me to rebond it which caused more insecurity about my natural hair.

But the situation is different now. I would like to thank my father for always restricting me from rebonding my hair and my mom who always tells me to wear my hair down because I have beautiful curls. I have literally decided to rebond my hair this year for my SHS graduation but thank goodness I've learned about the process of taking good care of my hair before the disaster happens.

I am currently still in the process of my CG journey (almost a week!) and I do really see results already because I never really damaged my hair with constant heat, but I have loose curls because of my shampoos and how I just don't really care about it ('cause again, I have already convinced myself to rebond my hair this year no matter what). Now, that I see some results I became more motivated to take care of it.

Because of these realizations and experiences, I concluded that representation is really important. One of my brothers and my dad have curly hairs but they seem to tame it really well! (besides that it's short). My mom, on the other hand, has type 2a hair so I don't really have someone I can look up to. My mother also doesn't know how to take care of my hair so, I never figured it all out.

Only recently that I have an abundant amount of time YouTubing as I mentioned when I saw a LOT of women loving their curly hairs. I really love to watch their CG journeys, how they transitioned and learned to love their hair. I was deeply moved by their stories because I also have been through that! They represent thousands of curly women who felt insecure and have hated their hair for a long time because of how the media portrays it.

I think representation is really important when it comes to different forms of media. I grew up watching movies where 'nerdy' and 'ugly' girls have curly hair. And these girls will have a makeover which they will have this long, straight, and shiny hair, and that's when they will be called pretty. I mean, why? JUST WHY?

Now that I see people embracing who they are who has a part of them that is a representation of whom I am, it motivates and encourages me to do the same. You see what I mean?

Young girls must have a representation of themselves by their side or within their environment who accepts who they are and that will also tell them that nothing is wrong with them. That they are beautiful just like any other woman in the world.

[wheretheunseenlies]

This is how my hair looks like the first time I followed the CGM (supposed to be my third day's hair but, I washed it again because the first 2 days after the final wash was a mess). This is the first time in my life that I witnessed myself wearing my hair down naturally. Because before, wearing it down was never a choice. My curls are obviously loose because (1) The length of my hair weighs it down. (2) It's just the beginning! I've been brushing it dry my whole life and using every product that can ruin it. I'm just really happy seeing REAL improvement the first time and I ain't going back bruh.

[wheretheunseenlies]

what's with late night talks that the next day, it's either they got awkward with me or the memory/topic we talk about that night was never brought up again?

why?

hello to these two people I have in mind. i just want to say, those nights were very memorable. one was under the stars and the other was under plain darkness. that was such a wholesome moment for me.

[wheretheunseenlies]

I GENUINELY NEVER KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME.

YES, I DONWLOADED TIKTOK.

and uninstalled it after a decent amount of scrolls, lol.

I now understood Tablo sharing how he felt when he visited Tiktok for the first time in one of his podcasts. He said that visiting it is like you're invinted to a dance party and everyone knows the steps to all the dances except you. It is along those lines and I FELT EXACTLY LIKE THAT.

It's like I have short attention span for short videos idk.

[wheretheunseenlies]

Okay, I'm not a good converser to begin with, and this pandemic happened. My social skills just went down, buried under the ground and my social anxiety skyrocketed like crazzzzzy! Like man, any plans to come down?

It is in school where I am forced to socialize because that is how I can survive in that place. And now that I'm at home 24/7, constant communication is not compulsory. Bro, I was just beginning to make more friends, connections or whatever and now I am back to zero.

It's not like online class doesn't require socializing but, it is evidently far more different from how it used to be ya know? I even consider shutting down all of my social media accounts but, it suddenly became a necessity these days. I took a different approach by uninstalling easy to access apps that are just one click away from my homescreen and conditioned myself that if I wanted to visit this platforms, take the longer route by using a browser which I personally think is effective.

Not really a fan of socializing through internet. I'm not against people who find comfort or joy from it but, it's not everyone's cup of tea.

I just really miss what it's like before.

[wheretheunseenlies]

bro, can i just say that i am SO IN LOVE with tangled? i'm just so in love with it that i wanted to peform "i see the light". it is one of many disney princess songs that makes me want to be an actual princess, ya know what i mean? and also, not close to being a good singer, fyi. but would definitely sing my heart out when i got the chance. as for my partner for the duet, well, i guess i'll find my eugene just yet.

LASTLY, WHY IS TANGLED UNDERRATED?!

[wheretheunseenlies]

hi there lil boat

[wheretheunseenlies]

Flashback #1.4: My ‘Happy Thoug(h)ts’

P.P.S. I'm dividing the image posts into parts because the beta editor won't allow me to post more than 10.

[wheretheunseenlies]

Flashback #1.3: My 'Happy Thoug(h)ts'

[wheretheunseenlies]

Flashback #1.2: My 'Happy Thoug(h)ts'

[wheretheunseenlies]

Flashback #1.1: My 'Happy Thoug(h)ts'

I think I made this when I was in 5th or 6th grade. I don't know how sad I am to make a bunch of folded papers with "happy thoughts" in them. Do I genuinely believed that once I unfurled a paper or two, voila, 'I am now happy'?

However, actually looking back at it now, some phrases might actually comfort the present me. But most of it is just a bundle of grammatical errors lol.

As I see it, I might have envied those facebook posts before where a person will ask anybody to comment some encouraging phrases to them, and they would write it on paper, put those in a bottle or something, and open them whenever they feel sad. I don't think I have enough courage to share that on my account before so, yeah, better make one for me, I guess?

Nevertheless, it was a nice memory.

P.S. Please excuse my filthy hands.