whatihavelearnedaboutme-blog

[whatihavelearnedaboutme-blog]

We did it!!!!!!

[whatihavelearnedaboutme-blog]

breakdown

Today I had a complete emotional break down. it started with feeling really restless, I couldn't settle or relax or just sit and watch tv. Kevin and I are off together and that doesn't happen often, we wanted to sit together and watch "Fringe" which were super into, bit even after one episode he noticed ( before I did ) that I wasn't settling, I was fidgiting and looking around etc Finally he asked me what was wrong and after racking my brain and trying to figure it out myself I couldnt. I couldn't put my finger on why i couldn't allow myself to relax. I told him how I felt under pressure about the debt we have on the credit cards from out amazing holiday, how I felt guilty for only working 4 days when to manage my business when I probably should go back to 5 so we had more money rather than my business make us break even to what I made before. I told him how I felt endlessly guilty for using our baby fund to buy my business and iPad pro and having still not made ANY progress to it's advantages yet. we bought a machine at Christmas that meant I can print on anything but I couldn't figure out how to use it so I haven't and it's just been sitting there. we got onto this topic and I broke down. he asked why I hadn't perused it and I told him it was because I was lazy and thick, but even as I said the words I didn't believe it. there are many unfortunate things my parents have imprinted on me from my wrong childhood and one of then is self doubt. when I can't figure something out ( which a lot of the time I can do btw, I can build a website with no web design background or use Photoshop without prior knowledge) but as soon as it comes to something I can't, when it comes to researching I stop. today i have realised this is not because I am too lazy to figure it out myself as my parents always had me belive, it is because I think my dyslexia stops me in that sense. I can read a whole paragraph and not understand 2 steps to follow, I get so confused I don't bother. I don't research because I'm not able to, I feel dumb because I can't understand what I'm reading. i can read but I can understand a whole page of text. I was never able to study. while we were talking I figured all this out, I had never realised it before. kev helped me learn about myself once again and promised to be my researching whenever I needed him. we're going to figure out this printing machine, together, today.

[whatihavelearnedaboutme-blog]

Growing up

When I was younger I used to be really hyper active and always talk and bounce around and generally just never stop moving. I used to speak to anyone and even in my teens I came across as confident as can be, but really I wasn't, I realised sometime in the last few years that I was actually having anxiety attacks and generally not confident whatsoever. It took me a long time and alot of people to understand what was going on and why. My childhood was distressing for me. From the outside, again looking all good, normal maybe even perfect. My childhood had alot of long term effects on who I am and who I'm trying not to become. I think I've realised that if your parents have separated you will naturally just not get on with either one or even both of your parents because you are the bi product of a mis match, a mistake etc. I clash with my family, which meant constant arguing and feeling alone whilst growing up. I always felt so alone and even unloved. And yes I am a dramatic person, but I always have been: no half measures everything's 100%. I never felt 'at home' or content. I had shitty relationships, that didn't help any of these feelings, they made me feel even more alone. I need attention I need to feel wanted. I am now married to the most incredible man in the entire world. Every single day I am bursting with love, I get more than enough attention and we have a cosy and loving home. I have a home. I feel home. I like to stay in, I like to be home and do nothing either by myself of with my husband. K treats me like princess, he calls me his princess, he makes me feel like a princess every single day and my heart is forever bursting with love. I'm not as loud as I used to be, I've had time to discover who I am, thanks to my hubby, he pushes me in the right direction, he supports every outlet I try, anything I want to try he will be right by my side cheering me on and making every tiny accomplishment into the biggest mountain. I am grateful, my life could have turned out very differently, if I hadn't of gotten out of my previous relationship I would have for sure gone down a path of depression and self loathing. I needed this help and this warmth and support since I didn't feel I recieved it in the right way while I was growing up. I am so content and happy with so many different parts of my life.

[whatihavelearnedaboutme-blog]

24

It’s fascinating when suddenly you as a person change, but you’re actually OK with it, because it’s put you on the path to becoming who you are.

I remember being told, in your twenties you change ALOT but it’s crazy when you realise that you actually are, and most importantly you start to accept it.