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[whatiftoday]

#10 What if: some things will never change?

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the past. Mostly the bad things that have happened through the years. I like to think I do this because I’m doing a lot better now, but I think it was triggered by the fact that group sessions are over now. I liked the group therapy. Mostly because I got a lot of understanding from it and it didn’t feel stupid for feeling stupid. But now the sessions are over and I’m not sure what do or what to feel anymore. The first week after I was told that there aren’t any other therapies I'm recommended to do I felt a bit sad and misunderstood.  In my mind I have this weird idea that there is something wrong with me, being told that there isn’t and I’m managing with my disorder now and don’t have any physical problems was a bit.. idk weird?

But it is the truth; I’m sort of managing.. But I’m just not so sure if what I'm doing is right. I know that is kind of my problem, questioning myself etc. But if I am not confident about this, isn’t that a problem? There are so many things I still have to learn to be better and happier and I’m not sure if I can do this on my own.  Or am I just mad that they are abandoning me, again?!

Because this therapy felt right, like the right thing to do. And before that, I did some therapies that were, sort of moderate. Before I mean like years before I did all kinds of things that didn’t really do much for me. But now I’m a bit mad because I finally found something that works, even though I might not need it that much anymore. While I needed it a lot more, before. When things weren’t going great for me when I was being depressed and more anxious. 

Now I’m afraid I’m just doing this because I couldn’t do it when it was really necessary. That I’m trying to keep doing therapies because I finally got to the point where they are working, even though I might not need it that much anymore. And I’m also afraid that the fact that I’m doing that, also makes me crazy.  And that the fact that I keep doing therapies makes me crazy. 

I shared my concerns with the group's last session and the people hosting it was going to get back at me about his. I’m curious about what she has to say after she talked to my ‘ mentor’ which concluded that I should stop at the therapy center after the group sessions ended. 

the title is ironically a contradiction of what I used to believe. That everything always stays the same. Except everything always changes every day. Even though it feels like I still think the same way I used to 5 years ago, I don’t. I’m in a completely different life, even though it is with almost the same people. 

Things change, a lot; But you’re never completely different then you used to be, just as you’re never completely the same. 

[whatiftoday]

#9 What if: someone leaves?

I need to stop freaking out when something like that happens. Which is easy to say but not easy to do. This subject is also one of my ‘issue’s’, because I had people leaving me before in quite traumatic situations. So now something in my brain gets activated that immediately causes anxiety and sadness. And a lot of self-doubts as well. In group therapy, we would call this a trigger.

In this case, it’s a colleague (again, people keep leaving this workplace). I really liked this colleague because we had a bit of the same mindset about animal health things and we were a lot on the same level as well. She is also really nice and understanding of our position as a vet nurse in the clinic compared to other vets who sometimes think they are better than us.  So it is really nice to work with her and improve the way we work with her, and I think we already made some great progress in the quality of our work as well. I thought we were doing great and being on the right way to making it better. But somehow this wasn’t enough for her. She still had to do a lot of things she didn’t stand for as a vet (things that are completely rational) and in the end, she didn’t feel like she belonged at this clinic. This is an utter shame because obviously in my option she was being the best vet we have.

Considering that and the fact that we have a really busy clinic as well with a high work pressure; made her leave. Completely understandable, still a complete shame and loss for our clinic. Besides that, we also had sort of a closer bond because we would become a team together in dental surgery, a subject in which she is specializing. We went to a congress together and worked a lot together on dentals and making protocols for our clinic. So in conclusion; I’m losing a great colleague which I really liked working with, and had great plans with for the future of our clinic.

It has to be said she was really sad about leaving our team as well. But still, I feel a bit deserted and angry. But because I do understand her choice I can’t be really mad at her. I’m more angry at our clinic for not working harder to keep her. And we should really see this as a wake-up call to make some serious changes in the way we work. It even came to my mind to blame myself for not being a better colleague. But considering the reasons why she leaves and the fact that we are on the same level I can honestly say that I probably wouldn’t have made any difference. She even asked me to come with her, so I think it is safe to say that it’s not any of my fault.

So the only thing that is left to do is being sad that she’s leaving, and try to figure out how to proceed with one vet less. Since we already were looking for another vet we need to look for 2 now.  I think we really need to make some changes if we don’t want our other vets to leave as well because if we don’t it will be too much pressure for them as well. One of the things that are being suggested is a client stop. Which I think is great. We have so many people at our clinic we can’t have more. especially not if we are with lesser vets.  I think it’s important that you can provide quality, and we can’t if we keep going this way. Anyway, we have a meeting in two weeks in which we will discuss these things.

I guess I was right in my last blog. When things are going well; you only have more to lose as well.

[whatiftoday]

#8 what if: group therapy

I think I haven’t written a blog in a month or so now. Mostly because

1. I have been too freakin busy

2. I have to write a lot as homework for the group therapy sessions

I have been busy working, having a second job as well now, doing stuff for our photo club as secretary and making+editing photos. (also for money). you would think I’m really rich now but actually no.  I didn’t get paid like a lot for the photo job and it took a lot of time editing all those photos. 

Secondly, I started this group therapy session for improving your self-image. Hoping that would improve my anxiety as well. The therapy is quite intensive (for someone who also works and stuff) because it is every week and you have homework every day. 

Firstly I was quite anxious to start this group because I have never done therapy in a group. But it didn’t worry me as much as I think it would have a few years ago, so that is a good thing. I also find myself really participating in the group sessions as I want to say things to the discussion and such. It’s quite a big group so it’s a lot of listening as well. 

The funny thing is I’m quite irritated when other people talk about how bad they feel about themselves, but when I think about it I feel the same thing. It’s just that I think for those people it’s unfair and not true that they think so badly about themselves, while for me thinking the same way as them about myself is absolutely normal. 

It’s not really as much as a therapy as it is more a training. It’s not like what you see on tv when people talk about bad moments and everyone cries and then everyone feels better because they talked about it. You get legit assignments you have to do during the week and then you talk about how the assigments went. Then you get explained what the next assignment is and sometimes you get to practice that in the group and you get to ask questions. But you hardly get involved in someone's problems or issues. 

Which I think is the meaning of the group because we are all people who would rather help someone else with their problems so if they were to talk about it you would try to help them instead of helping yourself. But sometimes it is quite annoying because someone has to explain part of their issue to explain how they did the assignment and then only get to hear a part of their story/issue which leaves you wondering what the whole story would be. 

Anyhow the training/therapy gives you more insights which are always a good thing; but the same as ever, it always raises more questions as well. We now had 4 sessions which means there are 4 or 5 more to go and I keep wondering; is this going to be enough to keep me from preventing anxiety breakdowns?. I really get that having a low self image is a great part of having anxiety, and the therapy is only a start you have to keep doing the excises even after the training. But is this going to be enough for when things will get really bad?

I’m also not sure if things will ever get that bad; since I think I mostly had the hardest parts, plus if it ever gets bad I have the experience now with the previous bad times. But it still is that anxiety part that keeps wondering:

What if it gets bad and you lose everything good you have right now? because that is the bad thing about my situation now; I love my job, my volunteer job, I love my house, life, hobby, everything is going so freaking well. Which means I only got more things to lose...

[whatiftoday]

#7 what if: they don’t like it?

Today is our yearly company trip, hurray! This is the 3rd time I’m joining in. But this year is different, I had to organize it. Well actually there are always two people who organize it, but the one I was supposed to do it with left work for her new lover in February, so I had to find someone new to do it with. This person actually did not very much, but that doesn’t irritate me or anything because she is quite busy in her personal life and I don’t find it a problem to organize things on my own.

What did irritate me was the fact that my original plan was canceled. The person that would give the ‘workshop’ had medical issues so that was canceled 3 weeks before today. Well, that didn’t irritate me, but the fact that everyone suddenly was meddling in what kind of alternative we should do, irritate me hard. Because ‘we’ (that other person I had to organize it with) tried to call some other activities but in such short notice it was quite impossible to find something. The company where we booked the first activity gave us some alternatives which on the first hand I didn’t think were very nice, but one seemed okay. The fact that we also booked the dinner at the same place didn’t help either, because if we did find something else we also had to re-schedule the dinner as well, and find a place for that.

So after trying to find something else and failing, I decided we would to one of the alternatives that the first company offered. So that we didn’t have to make up an activity ourself and we didn’t have to find another place to eat afterward. That’s when people started interfering. Because they knew what the original idea was, they didn’t like this idea. They said maybe that we could just eat somewhere and cancel the activity part this time.

Somehow, that was kind of hurtful. Because I thought the alternative would be fine and a company trip isn’t really about what you do, but the fact that you can talk to each other longer than 5 seconds before you have to get to work again. Also canceling the activity would feel like I failed. That was probably my main issue. I don’t want to fail, period. Which is crazy because people have to fail to actually learn things. But still, I thought it was all bullshit. But I accepted that maybe it was for the best if we didn’t do it.

So accepting the fact that we would find another place to have dinner, I was having a break at work and one my coworkers joined. I told him what happened. He said that we should do the alternative they offered and that I had to tell this to the person that had said that we shouldn’t. I said I didnt want to put it to the discussion, but he kept saying that people should be meddling so much and it was my job to organize this trip. 

He changed my mind and I got in a conversation with the person that had said that maybe we shouldn’t to the alternative and go eat somewhere else. Putting the above arguments I convinced her pretty fast. And so today we are going to the alternative like I planned.

So now I'm mostly worried that people will think this alternative activity is shit and they will blame me for it. But even if we did the first idea, I would have probably worried as well. I’m also worrying that everything goes well and the food is good and everything. Even though I informed them about dietary needs, I’m still worried that if it goes wrong people will blame me. I have to accept that I did quite a lot organizing all this and now it’s out of my hand. I have to believe that even if everything goes wrong we will still have fun because the fact is; we are a great team and we would probably still have a good time whatever we do. 

[whatiftoday]

#6 What if: I was wrong before?

This blog isn't going to be about my work. Even though some changes happened again. This blog is going to be about children. Yes, you read that right, kids. I mentioned before in #3 that we didn’t have a child or baby wish. Which is true. We decided some time ago that we would never have kids. Since we are a lesbian couple; you have to talk about this because it isn’t really going to an accident either.  But then something changed.

And I still can’t say what it was or why, but somehow I kind of let my mind open to the fact that maybe I want to have kids. Which is absolutely crazy because I always have resented children. But I don’t know what changed;  is it because I work with people who have kids and talk about them, is it because we became babysitters to some of our friends' kids, is it because my sister in law is pregnant? it could all be valid reasons to have opened my mind. I say it like this because I have opened my mind to the idea that we could have kids. That I could be a mother. An idea that I never let into my mind before because I thought it was crazy. Me a mother; how could I raise kids if I rather am one myself. 

But latelty I have seen so many ways to be a parent; there isn’t a right or wrong way. And maybe I was just afraid I couldn’t be a good mother. But there isn’t any good or wrong in parenting. And if I think about what my dog has taught me; I would love my kids like hell and would do anything for them; starting from that point would that make me at least not a good mom? I think so. I think I would make a great mom, or at least not a bad one. 

I was always the one who said no to kids, not my wife. So I had to tell her somehow that my mind was changing. I did this at our vacation in Portugal. We had dinner in Lissabon and somehow the subject came on. She was a bit surprised but said that she wasn’t the one that didn’t want to have kids; in other words, she liked the idea of having kids. So just like that, we decided that we could try to have some kids. 

Now, because we are two women, we have to think about options to have kids. She doesn’t want to get pregnant and I don’t like the idea of adoption. I also sort of want to get pregnant; the idea of ‘making’ a human absolutely amazes me. The fact that it is possible that I can create a new life. I also think I can relate more to the child if it’s actually mine. That still leaves us with the problem; how to get sperm.  That still isn’t decided yet, but we are going to a clinic to get some info in December. 

So that just happened, luckily we have some time to get used to the idea. For me at least. The crazy part is, the more I think about it, the more I want it. We are going to start a family. I’m going to be a mom, and even better; my mom is going to be a grandmom. She is going to be insane. I seriously get excited even thinking about the day telling her I’m pregnant. Since I’m an only child I’m the only chance she has for being a grandmom. But that day isn’t going to come anytime soon. 

Since I started the request of starting a study of two years starting next year, this idea will have to wait until 2022. There are probably waiting lists too, so it is good that we start to get some information this December. On the other hand, I have some time to mentally prepare me for all this. But the main thing already changed in my mind; I always thought I had to be perfect to consider to be a mom, but this isn’t true. There are a lot of moms that lack a lot of skills; And I believe that my wife and I are at least capable enough to raise a kid to be the important thing that it has to be, Happy.

[whatiftoday]

#5 What if: They don’t agree?

Just as the last two posts, this one is also going to be about the study thing. The main reason it being probably the most interesting thing at the moment. I also had my 26th birthday, but didn’t celebrate it and worked that day. Ironically this was a Thursday; my favorite day; and also my first Thursday being back from holiday; so had 4 dental consults planned in one hour; luckily one couldn't come. 

So yesterday a got a reply from the corporation we are part of as a clinic. They weren’t positive nor negative, but they wanted more answers about what I want to learn and how I see it in combination (or not) with my recent job, and why. Feeling a bit overwhelmed by these questions; little panic rose. And yes, I see people thinking. How are you going to expect me to be able to do this if such a small thing already makes you nervous? But in these times I can not forget; everything makes me nervous; I have a generalized anxiety disorder. This is the moment in my life I’m going to try to live with it, not reject my feelings. But acknowledge them. 

Instead of postponing the task of writing down what I already had talked about with my manager before; I went to do it immediately. And finished the development plan within an hour. (I had to because I had to work the afternoon and evening yesterday so I only had one hour) But still; I felt satisfied. I edited it later when I got home and send it this morning to my boss.  So now I have two new worries to add; What will my boss think about this plan and what will the corporation think about it. 

Because if they decide not to pay for it; will it still be an option if I pay for it myself? obviously the profit I get from it will be a lot less because I have to pay two years of university school. But there will still be a profit in it. The question following that one will be; will the company be willing to help me with the study. Because it’s parttime; I have to exercises and research at work. Will, they prvide me the time and documents I need? Surely I don’t have to ask myself these questions yet, but since I have an what-if mindset I do. 

For now, it might be smarter to have a bit more patience and see what happens. I also need to write a blog about something else soon; because otherwise, this will get really boring fast. 

[whatiftoday]

#4 What if: I made a big mistake today?

A lot of happened since the last post. Ironically my last post (#3) was me moaning about how much I want to go back to school and everything. AFTER this post I had like a miracle discovery. When my wife got back from her first school day she told me something VERY interesting. This considered something I didn’t mention in my other post: I have a moderate study debt from my law school period. 

In our country, we had a system, if you graduate in a certain amount of time the debt gets absolved. We don’t have that system anymore, but in the time I started my law school, we had. But the problem is; you had to get a diploma on the same level as you got the money for. So if I wanted to get rid of the debt I had to do a four-year course on a university level. Which would cost me nearly the same as the study debt itself.  I asked the organization which goes about this stuff a few years ago and they did confirm my suspicion back then. 

But September 27 my wife came home after her first school day. She told me the study debt would get absolved as well if you completed a two-years course on a university level. Even if you started the debt for a four-year course. This was also valid for a parttime study. Be being absolutely amazed by this fact called the organization for the study debt the next morning. And they confirmed this. I was actually too excited to be angry that they had told me the wrong information before. 

You get 10 years from the start of your first study to complete one. I started in 2012. Which means I have to graduate something before summer 2022. And this is still possible; if I start a two-year course next fall. I was so excited that this was possible; mostly because finally, I had a really valid excuse for going back to school again. (besides from missing it. see #3) 

The same day I called the organization we had our flight for a holiday. So this was pretty much on my mind during the holiday. But we saw a lot and we had a lot of fun so it didn’t matter. After the holiday I searched up what I already knew; There weren’t a lot of options for a two-year parttime course. The problem is; when you do a parttime course, they expect you to work somewhere relevant. But the courses they have don’t really match my work. So I had to find something wide and basic. There were a few options. 

The big thing was presenting this to my manager. On the day I got my reflection. Which was today. I always get a bit nervous about these things. Even though I just got my permanent contract. I guess I always expect something really surprising and unlogical to happen. But of course, it didn’t. The funny thing is that I actually didn’t have any negative feedback. Which is probably the most unique thing ever; but I seriously can’t remember anything bad. And mostly you only remember the bad. Considering that all went pretty well, I suggested if I could do a two-year course next year. 

Expecting him to laugh at me; he was really enthusiastic about this. He thought would be good for me and that I should definitely do it. But since we are part of a corporation company now; I had to ask the corporation as well. Especially because he suggested that:’  they would be the ones paying for it’ .  So that just happened. If they are really paying for it; I get quite a lot of money out of this. (of course, I don’t ‘get’ the money, because it’s a debt, but still, if I manage to graduate before august 31 2022. I save myself a year salary of study debt.)  

It a year's salary. Realistically this means I have to work a year to pay this back. Which means if I complete this study. I have year-long extra money that would otherwise be spent on debt. 

So I mailed the HRM person of the corporation nearly immediately when I got home. The funny part was my finger stopped moving when I tried to click on send. Hesitating just a bit; should I really do this, worrying: can I really do this?. But I send it. So now the only thing that’s left is to wait. 

[whatiftoday]

#3 What if: I like being a student?

Holiday/Vacation is here. But I can’t help feeling restless, just like always. Mostly because I’m still stressed about work. In the last post, I moaned about the Thursday thing. This is ironic because this Thursday was actually pretty the worst in a long time, if not the worst ever. We had some crazy emergencies going on and the mistake I made on Monday also became worse when the patient actually died. The owner wants to know what the cause was so pretty much everyone is worried about what’s going to be the result of that.  I cried my whole ride home not only because of that, because of the fact that no of my co-workers actually considered my feelings about all of this. This shows the kind of self-centered douchebag I am because they probably felt shit as well. I even asked someone if this could have serious consequences for me, but since it wasn’t only my fault apparently we will take the blame as an organization. 

Nevertheless, I knew I was fucked anyway; since this is totally going to be on my mind the whole holiday. So I decided to re-read (more like relisten) to Mark Manson's ‘how to not give a f’ck’  book. This book tells me exactly what I’m doing wrong. Obviously, I stress a hell of a lot about this job, because I care about it. Having no child or baby wish, being already married, having an own house and doing all pretty well; The job is the only thing to actually worry about. 

Honestly two years ago I didn’t even think I would be good enough for this job. While now I'm constantly questioning if this job is good for me. I already had one mini-burnout, but everyone blames the fact that I quit my meds for that. I wonder sometimes if that was really the reason, but since I started taking them it went sort of good again, so it probably was. I also finally got to shape this job in the way I want it to be; doing less stressful tasks that made me sick and anxiousness and doing more of the task I feel comfortable doing. Doing less of the boring tasks and more interesting complex tasks that challenge me.  I got exactly the thing I wanted, well in how far that is possible at this company. But I still feel bored. 

I miss learning new things. I miss doing tests (probably because my high grades make me feel good about myself). I even miss computer work, even though I swore I never wanted a desk job after I quit law school. I’m worried because I’m afraid I made the wrong choice. I know I didn’t because I really love my job and can’t imagine doing anything else. I just want to do more. And I’m not sure if I want to do more of what I’m actually doing. I think I need to do something else that challenges me again. Challenges me to learn new things; other things.

This mostly got triggered because my wife is going back to school again. And her company is paying for the study.  I can’t stand the fact of how jealous I am of this and I have to be confronted with it every day. But in my job there is no next study you can do; not really. I have been thinking about asking my manager if he has any ideas for what I could do; something that could benefit the company as well maybe. I’ve hinted before I’m quite studious, but I get mostly made fun of because I kept going to a lot of work training. I even went to one abroad; using my holiday days and paying for it myself. 

Chances are he will make fun of me again, but that seems like a risk I'm willing to take. He probably won’t even care; because he’s actually a terrible manager. So I will probably keep searching up studies in secret at night like its porn and nothing will happen because I seriously don’t know what to do anyway. This is quite a depressing view of my future. I’m going to need to work on this; except chances are that maybe he does have a plan for me or an idea. So I have to wait until I have this assessment interview after my holiday. (Which is planned great because now I can worry about this all my vacation). And I really just need some time off from this subject on my mind. 

[whatiftoday]

#2 What if: Thursday?

Today is Thursday. Same as every other week after Wednesday. It’s the 4th day of the week; if you start counting on Monday an also the day most in the middle. And it’s just a day, I try to keep reminding myself. Except for me it obviously is not. Thursday is different, and I don’t know why. It could be many reasons; the fact that I have to get up alone, instead of all the other days when my wife is next to me or at least in the house. The fact that I have to work in the afternoon and evening, instead of early in the morning. The fact that I have receptionist duty today, instead of helping around in recovery and operating. The fact that I do dental consults this day, even though I have done over 30th by now. I don’t know, but somehow this day is more difficult than the others.

As usual, I get up at an unhealthy time around 12pm. Sleeping way too much. Mostly because if I get up earlier, I have to stand this uneasy feeling of waiting to get to work even more. Because that is mostly what I do before going to work on Thursday; wait to go to work. Which is crazy because that is really a waste of time. There were other Thursday that I got up earlier and the first thing that creeps to mind; how many hours until I have to get to work. It doesn’t seem to matter if it’s five or two, I always feel uneasy waiting for it. And I always blame myself for feeling that way; because I know it’s stupid. I should spend those hours enjoying my free time. But on Thursday that never seems a realistic option. 

Last week I even went earlier, because I went crazy just waiting on the couch. Maybe I do it again today. I don’t know what to do with myself until then. I have a crazy amount of different hobbies and things to do. But on Thursday, I never get myself to anything fun. First I started work at 1pm, but since my mini burnout last December/January I agreed to start at 3pm. This obviously makes the waiting even longer, but if I start at 1pm I will be brain-fried when the shift ends. And I can’t stand the mistakes I make when I get brain-fried of working too long, those decrease my little self-esteem. It would probably be better if I started at 1pm again. I probably should work more hours anyway, because of my general boredom in life. I will explain that one in another blog, on another day, a not Thursday day. Writing when I feel nauseous and trembling isn’t exactly the best writing condition. 

So what am I actually thinking on Thursday, would a psychiatrist ask. Well, mostly I’m busy predicting how this day will turn out. What people will say at the desk and telephone. How busy it will get with customers. What to do if they get mad or as difficult questions that I still don’t know, even after 2 years of work. I mean generally, I can answer all the questions, but begin in this work for 2 years I even feel more stupid if I don’t know something. If a mistake I make today will be life-threatening to an animal. (already happened this week so this is a new one to keep me busy the next few weeks). Wondering if today a colleague will finally tell me that I’m stupid and not cut out for this job, I know that last one is crazy because I can’t help being scared anyone might actually say or think this. 

Nevertheless, how bad scenarios I can come up with; they never happen. Well, bad stuff happens, but never as bad as I imagine it in the first place. That’s is a serious pattern I need to work on. I know that it won’t happen, but I can't help myself from imagining it, from thinking about it. I have to accept it, accept that this is me. But I can’t, because I know I’m being stupid. I know it.  I keep wishing that it will change. What if I get more Thursdays, more experience, that I won’t feel this general uneasiness before going to work anymore. However if two years (probably about 60 to 80 Thursdays working) isn’t enough to calm me down a bit, how many will it take? 

[whatiftoday]

#1 What if: Anyone finds this blog?

I literally put down my music while I start writing this. Because I'm scared, unconditionally, uncontrollably scared. Of anything, anyone finding out what I’m writing. But I have to get it out. I have to get things out of my mind. I keep checking my clock, wondering when my wife will be home. Keep staring out of the window of my actual house, that I seem to own, Wondering what to write first. But feeling nauseated and scared and trembling. And sad; I wouldn’t admit it at anyone, but overall I feel sad. Sad of how I feel, of what I think and mostly how I think. How I know I shouldn’t be thinking this but I still keep doing it. Like I have ever done, except those times I try to maintain lying to myself. Which have been some days, weeks, years? I don’t know.  That’s my point; I really don’t know what to do. 

I doubt blogging will fix it; since no one will ever read it because I’m scared. Scared of what people think, Scared when people found out; even though I told some people I got this anxiety disorder. I don’t think anyone knows or understands the extent of how much this rules my life. Heck maybe even writing about it will make it worse; because it will make it real, like this isn’t only happening in my head. I hear a sound; is she coming home yet? I have to complete at least a paragraph to start this blog. While I keep looking over my shoulder I question myself; why, what is the point, no one cares about you writing a sad little blog, please don't worry. But I do, even though it's completely useless. 

That’s my thing. A ‘worry’ disorder, General anxiety disorder. Even though I just got told I have this since this year; I’ve known for a while.  I once participated in a role-playing blog in a mental hospital with a character that I gave this disorder. Only because that character was actually a reflection of myself. It was a way to put my thoughts and feelings out. It started this blog; while rewatching the series the RP was based on I wondered if my blog was still around, and it was. So I did the stupid thing to re-read some of the things I wrote. Finding out this character was based on my personal problems, back then and now. But I liked reading it. I liked reading what I wrote, how I wrote it. So this blog is for me. This blog is me; totally open and honest.