what-the-bitch-writing

[what-the-bitch-writing]

someone call a priest cause i need jesus.

Request: none

A/N: this is that one direction fanfic that we all read in like fifth grade that changed the way we look at wattpad for the rest of eternity. also this has minimal smut, its more about the plot. i just love making fun of small children writing on the internet. enjoy.

Warnings: smut stereotypes, human trafficking, sixsome?, degradation, weird shit

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I hate my life. My mom is a drug adict and my dad left when i was 2. Im an senior at my high school. Everyone at shool hates me because im different. they all listen 2 riana, and cant handle that i listen 2 other people. i really like this group called “no erection”, but theyre really unheard of. Its not may fault that im so fun and quircky. No election’s music is the only thing that gets me through my day.

My mom wakes me up at 3 am by yelling at me 2 come downstairs. “Whats going on?” i ask. “Im selling you for drug money lmao. By bitch.” she replies. I then have a bag thrown over my head and get rushed out the door. I feel myself being put in a van. I can hear other people around me. I pass out cause im tired as fuck, ig. I wake up when the van stops. They pull the bag off my head. 2 random men take my insode a really big mansion. “Theyll be down 2 see you in a minute” 1 of them says. They lock me in a big room and leave.

Approximately 13 minutes and 43.79 seconds later, the door starts 2 unlock. 5 men walk in and they all look kinda familiar. Then it dawns on me. “Omg! Your One Connection! Your like my favoirite band ever!” they all smirk at me. There standing in hight order, which is aesthetically pleasing, so i make my way around the room, eyeing each member. The first glimpse i get of hagrid is wonderful, his hair is almost as big as kylee’s ego. Leo is the next one in the line, his smile is so incredibly wide. In the middle is wayne, bein all cute n shit. The fourth member - and my favorite - is niagara. Hes just so easy 2 fall for. The final and shortest member is named lewis. Hes really shy, which is hot.

They talked 2 me for hours about tour and music and crazy fans, but i just wanna feel them hot man hands. I deside 2 b bold, so i jsut blurt it out. “Do you guys wanna fuck? Like all of us? Rn?” and obvously they say yes because im attractive as fuck. So we go 2 one of they’re beedrooms and get ready 2 have some fun. As im mentally preparing 2 get my soul fucked into another dimension, hagrid whispers in my ear “yer a cumslut, y/n.” i had nerver heard thar word before. “Im a what?” “yer a cumslut” and just like that all five men are around me, and on me, and in me. I feel so overwhelmed, but its a great feeling. None of us last very long, releasing our feel good juices over and over again. Niagara’s juice tastes the best. I likc it up as it falls down my cheek. Were all exhausted so we sprawl out on the bed 2 calm down. “Howd you like it?” leo asks. “It was great.” i say. “This is why no protection is my favorite band.”

[what-the-bitch-writing]

someone stop me.

Request: bad boy/nerd girl trope; horse/unicorn

A/N: im writing you another smut. be grateful. bitch. (you’re not a bitch [redacted]. just [redacted])

Warnings: smut stereotypes, dom!reader, daddy kink, orgasm denial, handjob, hair pulling, weird shit

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His name is deric. Hes a bad boy. No. not a bad boy, the bad boy. He is in my chemistry class. hes the school cool kid. And i fucking hate him. Im ”just another loser nerdy girl who gets a’s on every asinment.” hes such a jerk, thinking he owns everyone. He comes up to me after class. “My social status is plummeting every second that im speaking to you, but if i fail another class my mom is gonna cancel my pornhub premium subscription, so i need you to tutor me or whatever.” i obviously said yes. This is gonna be fun.

So we go to his house and i get hot so i take my sweater off, revealing my white tshirt underneath. His eyes go wide. “Woah. i never realized how huge your badonkadonkers are. Its a huge turn on for me to be honest.” That was the point. i blush and tuck a strand of hair behind my ear shyly. (insert debby ryan gif here) “You can touch em if you want.” i whisper. I can see his soul leave his body. “Yknow, ive never actually been intimate with a woman. Ive gotten close, of course, but most women push me away when they realize that im a misogynistic shithead who only wants women for sex.” he says. Wow, who wouldve thought?

I bat my eyelashes at him “im not like other women.” i can see the bulge in his pants grow at my words. “I like your horse” i say as i started palming him through his geans. “Just take my fucken pants off already” he cries. So i do. “Mmm.. looks more like a unicorn” i say. He tries to get me to suck his dich. Who the fuck does he think I am? I push him back. “You ask me to teach you because youre too busy in class fantasizing about women to pay attention, and you suddenly think you have control? If were doing this, were doing it my way.” “damn, whatever you say maam” i slap him. “Nuh-uh. You are going to refer to me as daddy and nuthin else. Got it?” I sense the homophobia course through his veins, but he wants to get laid, so he complies. “Yes daddy”

i lean over and start stroking his member. “You wont release your feel good juice unless daddy says you can, capiche?” “yes daddy” he replies. I continue stroking his shaft until i csn tell he is close. He looks up at me with pleading eyes. “Daddy- please-” he cries. I stop my movements. Then i do it again. And again. Edging him for what feels like hours. And when ive determined hes finally had enough, i face him, dropping his length in the process. I grab him by his hair, bring him up to my face, and whisper in his ear. “Daddy doesn’t like misogynists.” The terror in his eyes was worth every moment i wasted with him. I put my sweater back on and left, making sure to tell his mom that she definitely needs to cancel his pornhub premium subscription.

[what-the-bitch-writing]

i blame [redacted]'s intense fear of clowns for this one.

Request: none

A/N: i made another one because i cant stop thinking about how fucking funny the first one was. this one isn’t as funny and makes absolutely no sense but for some reason i still love it. enjoy.

Warnings: smut stereotypes, clowns, murder, anxiety, anal?, bondage, begging, weird shit

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Greg was a senior in hs. he couldnt wait for a smexy man to find him. So he went to find one. He walk into library to see someone that looks like the teenage reject member of fall out boy, and instantly thought “i want in his pants.” thats kinda sus but its typical straight white man behavior so were gonna ignore it just like women are expected to. Greg approaches le smol bean “oi, how age are you?” le bean replies with “18”. “Oh shit brah, me too. Thats totally tubuler.” they stand there awkwardy until greg speaks again. “Ur hot. Wanna go back to my place and get ur shit rocked?” “sure” is le bean’s reply.

Thwy go back to gregs appartment and get redy to have really intense smexy man times. Le bean takes off his knee high lace up converse, mismatch socks, black ripped shinny jeans, two flannels, and his cropped tshirt that says “i hate grass”. He also removed his clip on strands of bright red hair. Greg tells le bean to lay on the bed and close his eyes while he gets ready in the bathroom. He agrees. Le bean hears greg come out of the bathroom, and then feels his body hovering on top of him. “Open ur eyes” greg says. Le bean opens his eyes and takes in the full sight of the man in front of him. And loses his fucken shit. He has never seen a more attractive person b4. Le bean knew greg was gonna put on a special outfit, but he didnt think hed be this fucking hot. He slowly reaches up to gregs face and sqeezes his big red honker. He lovingly tangles his fingers in the silky rainbow afro, caressing it gently. Greg pulls a string of handkerchiefs out of nowhere (probably from his ass tbh) and ties le beans hands together. He looks at le bean with lust in hos eyes. “The circus is coming to town” is what he says before going down on le bean.

They go at it for a while and after it seems like theyre all out of feel good juice, greg removes himself from le bean and lays beside him on the bed. Le bean, hands still tied, rolls off the bed and onto the floor. On purpose. But throught the magic of smut doesnt crack his skull open and die. Gerg’s like “what the fuck brah” and le bean’s like “i want you to step on me with your big clown shoes! I want you to almost suffocate me with your big, beautiful feet, and then stop at the last second because you know! In your heart! That clowns are not the vicious killers everyone says they are!” (that sentence brought me so much pain i’m so sorry) “fuck that was hot. Ok yeah ill do it” was gregs response. Greg complys with the mans wishes suffocating him. But greg doesnt stop. Maybe not all clowns are killers, but this one is.

Greg goes to the bathroom and cleans himself up. He glances at the clock and sees that its 11:26pm. He rushes past the lifeless body on the floor and to his computer. He has an essay due in 33 minutes, and he hasnt even fucking started.

[what-the-bitch-writing]

[redacted].

Request: "The dickie be stickin it up in da pusspuss."

A/N: fuck you [redacted]. my school email account is now officially tied to poorly written smut. enjoy. bitch.

Warnings: smut stereotypes, degradation, bondage, weird shit

~~~~~~~

Teh girl went to the club w/her friends and all her friends got drunk and she didnt bc she hates alcohol and she hates public and people and clubs and shit. Then a hot muscular man w/ a leather jacket and greasy slicked back hair comes up 2 her. “Ur sexy. Wanna cum 2 my house 2 sex it up” she hated him cause shes hates everyone but hes hot so she says yes. They gwt to his house. They go inside. He corner her against wall and call her slut. No boundaries have been discussed. He is lucky that every woman in smut seems to enjoy this. They go to bedroom and prepare to do the sex deed. He takes his tie oof and ties her hands to the headboard (with consent this time). Whover let him leave the house in a leather jacket and a tie should be shot. This man get a condor becuz he a real one. The dickie be stickin it up in da pusspuss. Their bee alot off ooos and ahhs cauuse they do be feelin good n shit. Then they announce that there gonna get rid of thier feel good juice. Then she goes home to her dog and cries over her unshared love for a man who is emotionally unavailable.

[what-the-bitch-writing]

Who The Fuck is This Bitch?

hyello everyone! this is just a quick get to know me incase anyone actually gives a shit. My name is Ky, i'm 19, and my pronouns are she/her. I do shit like singing, painting, crafting, and annoying the shit out of my friends.

This blog was created to poke fun at wattpad/fanfic tropes and poorly written smut. (Please note that this is all for fun and is not meant to harm/offend anyone) This is a HUMOR blog so for the love of god don't take my shit seriously.