what-are-even-humans
Humans are weird
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Mainly short stories about aliens reacting to the weird things humans do Ko-Fi Ask box and submissions are open Let me know if you need anything to be tagged or if I can do something to make this blob more accessible for you
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what-are-even-humans · 4 days ago
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How The Nocturnal Bottleneck and Nipples Make Us Human
Almost every post here considers what humans do have, really. It’s a little tiring; realistically every world has its harsh environments and vicious species and a sophont to match. We probably wouldn’t be unique for our adaptability or our persistence or even adrenaline
But our evolution is fucked up as hell, to put it lightly.
Mammals went through what’s been dubbed the nocturnal bottleneck essentially since the start of the mesozoic right up until the Cretaceous ended the archosaur’s exclusive hold over the daylight. We lost a lot of things from every mammal spending most of its time in either a cramped, suffocating burrow or scrounging around in the faint hours of nighttime. Our blood cells lost their nuclei to hold more oxygen while we spent time deep underground, we lost protections against ultraviolet rays in our skin and eyes, we can’t even repair our own DNA using the light of the sun. Most aliens probably wouldn’t have such traits unless their evolution followed a very similar path to ours. They’d be able to see ultraviolet and wouldn’t have to worry about sunburn and all the wonderful privileges essentially all fish, birds, amphibians, and reptiles enjoy as we speak. 
There’s also what we gained from spending so much time in the dark.
Brown fat is only found in mammals, it’s a special type of fat which bear cells with several oil droplets and are utterly jammed with mitochondria. This lets it make heat, a lot of it, fast. We don’t even need to shiver to induce this heat generation from brown adipose tissue - factor in our downright hyperactive mitochondria, and we can warm up quickly. Sure, it doesn’t have too much use in adult humans, but it keeps our infants warm and still provides a little boost the whole run we have in this universe.
Unless aliens also went through a time where their small ancestors had to face cold nights, they’d have to produce heat the old fashioned way when chilled. Aliens might have to shiver the whole time they’re in a cold room while the human watches in confusion, quite literally unshaken, and wonders if the room is a lot colder than the thermostat set to 60 says. The aliens stare at their companion in confusion, it’s just a normal temperature to shiver at after all, how is the human sitting so still?
Our small ancestors spending all their time out foraging at night is also why we have such a good sense of touch, smell, and hearing. They were more important senses than vision (we’re lucky to have even redeveloped basic color vision, frankly) at the time and place and simply ended up continuing to serve us well. Birds and reptiles rarely have acute senses of smell and the latter especially are lucky to have acute hearing, and birds rarely have impeccable hearing themselves either. Our skin is free of scales and honed to sensitivity, and our external ears and complicated ear bones provide an immense range of hearing (from 20 all the way to 17,000 hertz!).
Aliens might not be able to pin down the chirp of a cricket or the light click of a lock being picked. The human might be the only one on board a ship that can pick out the finer sounds of the engine’s constant thrum and know the critical difference between when everything is fine and when something is wrong. The human could probably pick out the sounds of an approaching enemy’s careless footsteps - they’re only as light enough for *them* to stop hearing them, after all - and be the one to see the horrified expression (well, more on that later) on their face when we get the drop on them in spite of their perceived stealth. 
But perhaps the most versatile, convoluted, amazing, and utterly unique trait we have is right on your face this instant. Lips.
Lips in most animals are a simple seal to hold in the mouth’s moisture and protect the teeth, even if they’re supple they’re NEVER muscular except in mammals, and we have only one thing to thank for it; milk and nipples. Lips evolved exclusively to allow babies to suckle, it required a vacuum to be created in the mouth, and with no other animal having anything like a nipple it never happened in other animals. Many animals make milk, to be frank, but no other animal has nipples.
Your cheeks and lips are a marvel among tetrapods, no other animal can suck like mammals can. Aliens wouldn’t have straws or even be able to sip from the edge of a glass, they’d have to have a proboscis or simply tilt the whole thing back. Aliens likely won’t have woodwind instruments or balloons you can blow into. We take so much about our lips for granted. Hell, our muscular faces are vital for expressions, we’re probably absolute facial contortionists among a cast of creatures with mandibles and beaks and expressionless scaly maws. Aliens might find us ridiculously easy to read, if anything, compared to their own kind (all the better to deceive them) - or perhaps they’d find us hard to decipher anyways, with our lack of color-changing skin or erectable crests of bright feathers. Baring teeth might not be seen as a sign of aggression in most of the universe, smiling would be all too distinctly human. 
Perhaps with how infectious we are sometimes, that’s what we’d contribute to the universe; others might have to make do with opening their mouths just enough to show their teeth or splaying their innumerable mouthparts with just the right curve, but perhaps we’d teach the galaxy to smile, one ally at a time. 
Wouldn’t that be amazing?
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what-are-even-humans · 5 days ago
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I want aliens who are baffled by the human attachment to name tags, the kind that are common at events like orientations or conferences.
Hivemind aliens who don't distinguish individuals in the same way. Doesn't Brandon already know what the hivemind rep told Martha? Why is it a problem to discuss with Conrad what Amita told the hivemind rep?
Perfect hyperthymesiac aliens who don't realize the name tags on the table are meant for specific individuals and just grab one at random, like a fun party token, because they remember everyone's name perfectly, forever, once they're introduced, why does anyone need a visual reminder?
Aliens with hypersensitive olfactory abilities, who distinguish individuals of their own kind based on scent, including emitting an echo of that scent when referring to them, without a separate auditory "name."
Alien cultures whose names change with moon cycles, life stages, and sometimes the weather, who become very confused at the concept of "nicknames" that are based on emotional intimacy or the informality of a setting, rather than meteorology. One time a five-day conference includes six distinct weather patterns; the human organizer in charge of the badge station has to go on medical leave afterward.
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what-are-even-humans · 3 months ago
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I feel like any aliens that were prey at some point in evolution would have an odd fear of humans. Mostly cause they look like predators, act a bit like predators, and ARE predators. One perfect example is when we're focused on something like a mosquito that's been bugging us for a long time and we are just done.
Alien: "What. What..?"
Human: *HUNTING down a mosquito it saw*
Alien: ".... yeah I am really uncomfortable...."
Human: *quiet footsteps, pupils dialated, intense focus,*
Alien: *WAR FLASHBACKS*
Human: "Found you." *absolutely desimates the mosquito, squashing it into a million pieces as it's guts and various body parts liquidize into blood of the bloodthirsty, now stained on the palm of the human. A living being now reduced to a useless corpse as the human wipes the remains on their pants*
Alien: "I feel like I've just gained trauma."
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what-are-even-humans · 8 months ago
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what-are-even-humans · 8 months ago
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This is my new puppy
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what-are-even-humans · 8 months ago
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quick question does booping back boop back from the blog that was booped??? I just realised I have no idea.
Also what the fick is a super boop and how do you do that and how do I reboop superbly???
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what-are-even-humans · 8 months ago
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Reblog if you are okay with people giving you lots of boops!
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what-are-even-humans · 8 months ago
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"how did you spend your April fools?"
Truth: "I got into a slap fight with 500 strangers"
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what-are-even-humans · 8 months ago
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Tumblr rn
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what-are-even-humans · 8 months ago
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im curious and also convinced my thoughts are universal so
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what-are-even-humans · 9 months ago
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“X bodily fluid is just filtered blood!” buddy I hate to break it to you but ALL of the fluids in your body are filtered blood. Your circulatory system is how water gets around your body. It all comes out of the blood (or lymph, which is just filtered blood).
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what-are-even-humans · 10 months ago
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I remember being in elementary school and feeling a deep alienation at people’s just vicious rejection of mathematics, the reason being, like
It’s like. A classic approach to hypothetical communication with aliens that you start with the things you know you have in common and proceed from there. Mathematics is that.
Imagine you approach someone you don’t understand with a thing specifically designed to be something they and you can agree on as a starting point for communication and they just react with “yeah i hate this”
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what-are-even-humans · 10 months ago
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on the subject of Humans Are Space Orcs i keep thinking it would be funny if ‘pursuit predator’ humans got together with an ‘ambush predator’ feliform species. and like. humans enjoy walking around with their friends! and the feliforms enjoy huddling in a concealed location with their friends! and it takes all of half an hour for a human to pick up a scarf and make a sling to take their pal with them while they go grab some lunch.
our new friends are like ‘are you sure this isn’t an inconvenience’ and the humans are like ‘are you kidding we do this with terran cats whether they like it or not’ 
also the team-up of humans and the feliform species gives most herbivore species in the galaxy screaming nightmares because here is a mobile tower that will follow you for 16 hours straight and it’s carrying a bag full of sneaky murder like it’s a baby this is not okay
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what-are-even-humans · 11 months ago
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>by far most hairless species of primate
>is one of two primate species that willingly live in snow with the other being the Japanese macaque which is covered in thick hair
>is one of two mammal species that willingly eat spicy foods
>unlike tree shrews doesn’t have a special genetic mutation that makes spicy food not painful to eat
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what-are-even-humans · 11 months ago
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Random fantasy/worldbuilding thing:
Everyone from a different culture seems strangely poetic and profoundly deep in their observations, but only because they speak whatever the common tongue is as a second language, and whatever they are saying is actually mostly just clumsily translated common sayings/figures of speech that flow much better in their own tongue, and make perfect sense to the people who understand the cultural context.
Someone who comes from a place where geodes are common will describe another person: "He is like a stone that seems to hold a treasure inside of it - you learn to know such stones by their shape and their weight - but once you split it open, there is no quartz, no amethyst, no sparkling and brilliant crystal you expected. Just solid rock, through and through. He is like one of those rocks." Which vaguely makes sense, but they're clearly frustrated about not being quite able to express what they're trying to say.
The thing is, in their own first language, there's a specific word for this kind of rock - one that outwardly seems to be a geode but it isn't one after all. This word is also commonly used as an insult, to describe a person who is charismatic, convincing and outwardly seems brilliantly smart, but is actually dumb as shit.
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what-are-even-humans · 1 year ago
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honestly such an L for humans (and other apes) to not have simian tails. never am i filled with more jealousy than when i see fellow simian do this
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what-are-even-humans · 1 year ago
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honestly such an L for humans (and other apes) to not have simian tails. never am i filled with more jealousy than when i see fellow simian do this
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