wewillrebuild-blog

[wewillrebuild-blog]

“Welcome home, Kenz”

Moving is rough.

Transitions really suck some times.

LA is an incredibly difficult city to move into for anyone, but especially when you don’t know anyone here. I’ve never had a move in my life where I didn’t completely want to leave the place I was in until Chicago. Leaving Chicago absolutely crushed my heart and it still feels really hurt most days because Chicago feels like home (& I really hope that never changes.)

But, I picked LA for a reason.

I remind myself over and over that I picked LA not for the city itself but because I got the most perfect job offer and I knew in my heart that I couldn’t say no to this experience. My heart was right, my job is amazing, it’s always challenging and chaotic but it’s always amazing. I love working a job that’s unpredictable and different every day. I love my clients (even on hard days they’re still amazingly great humans.) Staff are so kind and helpful but was still feeling like I don’t feel like I belong anywhere here yet.

A couple weeks ago I posted a picture on my Instagram story that said, “does Hollywood feel like home to anyone?” While taking that picture I was on my way to a meeting for the first time that a friend of a Chicago friend recommended & was feeling really discouraged. I didn’t want to walk into another room of LA snobs that I couldn’t relate to & where I felt I wasn’t welcomed.

I walked into this meeting where people were FILLED with joy. I could hear laughter, conversation, people were giving each other hugs, people were giving ME, the random new person, hugs. Everyone asked my name and one man stated “welcome home, Kenz.”

That statement gets thrown around a lot in situations where it feels inauthentic but this felt so real.

I sat in the corner by myself bc I panic going into rooms where you have to pick seats because I never know where to go. This man went out of his way and politely approached me, introduced himself, and invited me to sit with him and his friends. They were super welcoming and kind and they helped me get connected with things I needed.

This room felt like home. I hadn’t even been there for ten minutes but part of me felt this inclination that maybe I really could feel at home here.

I decided to go back that Thursday because the doubt in head was telling me that was a single occurrence and it couldn’t really be that good all the time.

Thursday was even better. Everyone was greeting me by name. They had remembered MY name. I was so in shock that they cared.

“Welcome home, Kenz.”

I’ve been going back week after week. I’ve been going on coffee dates with people I’ve been meeting there. I’ve been able to be vulnerable and honest with people who meet me with empathy and love and walk through my journey with me even though we’ve only just met.

My heart started to feel like maybe part of Hollywood could be home.

Maybe I let my fear & perceived isolation cloud my ability to ever see myself as someone who could belong anywhere. But every week I feel belonging even if it’s just for those hours.

“Welcome home, Kenz”

The other day I was sitting in this meeting hearing someone share something with such vulnerability that really resonated with me and in my heart I felt this overwhelming feeling that reminded that my time in LA ends July 31st so does my time with this group. It ends my time of consistently feeling at home here.

So here’s to staying present.

Here’s to fully letting myself be loved by these amazing people I’m encountering.

Here’s to letting myself love a place that isn’t Chicago.

Here’s to letting myself love pieces of LA and be fully present and intentional in that love.

Home can be people, places, or things. Maybe LA isn’t going to feel like home but I’m finding my home with these people and I’m forever grateful for that.

“Welcome home, Kenz”

[wewillrebuild-blog]

How to Support a Friend Through a Trauma Anniversary

Monday is my 22nd birthday but it's also the anniversary of a day that I was raped. It's a clashing of a day when I'm supposed to invite people out to celebrate me being alive and a day when I just want to crawl in bed and not exist. Both of these events are ones that I am unable to overlook.

This year I made plans to celebrate my birthday a few days before to separate the two but then it gives me no accountability for the actual day itself. It's (relatively) easy to ask people out for a birthday celebration but incredibly difficult to ask people to spend your assault anniversary with you. How do you ask someone to be with you because you are afraid to be alone? Because you're afraid you really won't be okay? How do you even ask people to hang out because it's the anniversary? How do you bring that up?

As I'm trying to maneuver conversations with my best friends to let them know the importance of this day for me I realized that we rarely talk about how to be a good ally to someone after an assault and basically never talk about how to still be a good ally every year after. Because of this I decided to make a list of things I think friends can do to support their friends on hard days. I know that everyone processes trauma differently, so this won't be accurate for everyone but they're good things to ask your friends if they would be helpful for them or not.  

1) Be Present. Honestly the biggest thing for me on my year markers is just knowing that I'm not alone. If you can spend time with me, whether it's for hours or just to grab coffee for 30 minutes, it makes a huge difference. If you can't be in person then intentional texts/snapchats are a great second choice.

2) Don't feel as though we have to talk about it. I promise you it's going to be on my mind all day and probably days leading up to and after as well but that doesn't mean it's the only thing we have to talk about. Today like any other day we're still the same friends. Talk to me about dogs, classes, penguins, coffee, someone you think is cute, or basically anything we would normally talk about.

3) Don't be afraid to talk about it. Now that I said we don't have to talk about it I want to affirm that we definitely can as well. Honestly, I might want to say something about it but will be too afraid that I'm being a burden if I do or that you don't want to hear about it. Personally, asking how I'm feeling is a great way to allow me to decide if I want to say anything.

4) Remind me that I am safe. PTSD is honestly the worst because even though I know that I am safe in this moments by body continuously tries to convince me that I'm not and it's really easy to believe it's true when I'm stuck in my thought processes. Help me stop that. Remind me that we are safe and there is virtually not harm present.

5) Remind me I'm in control. Piggybacking off number 4 feeling out of control feeds into the dangerous PTSD thought processes and can trigger panic. Being assaulted is having all control taken from you and to feel that same way can cause me to start catastrophizing. Don't make decisions for me but instead give me options. Even if you decide we're going to coffee give me choices on which coffee shop.  

6) Ask me how you can support me. Literally asking "How can I support you?" Is one of the very best questions there is. With that being said, sometimes I honestly have no idea what I need or what would help and that's where this list comes in. Tell me you'll be present. Ask how I'm feeling or if there's anything I want to do.

However you choose to support someone the most important thing to remember is that the fact that you're choosing to support them is the most important. Every person needs different things and each year I even need different things. Be comfortable with starting conversations asking what you can do to support your friend and go from there.  

Anniversaries can be frightening for someone going into them and just knowing they won't have to go through it alone can make an immense difference.

[wewillrebuild-blog]

So often we try to be things that we aren’t or we say things like “I need to be strong” or “I need to be brave” or fill in any word that you feel you need to be and you get the point. I challenge you to change your thinking on this though. Phrasing things this way only makes you feel like being that thing is unattainable because it’s something you think you’re not but I challenge you to believe you already are those things. Yes, you may want to be strong or brave but if you know that even to some tiny degree you already are then trying to be stronger or braver is more attainable because it’s just emphasizing something you already have inside of you. We did an activity with mirrors looking at who we are as a person and kind of going along with this idea picked something about ourselves that we wanted to highlight and bring to the surface to try to be more of or recognize how much of that we already are. Resilience was what I picked because this is something I always feel I need a little more of but it’s always nice to know it’s something I already have. I am resilient. I have been resilient. I will always be resilient.

[wewillrebuild-blog]

Y’all I HATE posting pictures w/o makeup especially when my face is breaking out but I didn’t get ready today & that’s just how life is. If you know me at all you know I LOVE my inspirational t-shirt collection from To Write Love On Her Arms (one of my all time favorite organizations) but recently I also discovered a company called Walk In Love that has amazing tees with little messages like this one! Today I’m actively choosing joy & I’m declaring it through my clothing. I personally choose to wear inspirational clothing when possible (bc work isn’t quite acceptable) and I think everyone should but I realize that’s not a reality. If this is something you’re interested in definitely check out#walkinlove and #twloha but if not I encourage you to start declaring affirmation and inspiration in your life. Put post-its on your walls, write with dry erase markers on your mirrors, change your phone background. Little things make SUCH a difference. Declare your worth. Know your truths. Choose joy.

[wewillrebuild-blog]

Your girl got a new anxiety toy (thanks dad) and naturally I have to share. Y’all know I love my fidgets in general (reference me carrying around kinetic sand and other fidgets all of last year) but this one is GREAT. If you’re looking for something with a more prominent sensory aspect this one is perfect. You have the texture of the outside along with all the little balls inside which are a little squishy but provide a good contrast by being quite firm still. It’s a great mix of multiple sensations. Fidgets aren’t just for kids! I personally use them to offset Anxiety/PTSD symptoms especially in classes and meetings/work to have something to do with energy in order to focus better. Mental health recovery and school can go together if you know your resources. Fidgets and recording software are two ways school is made easier for me. Find what you need to succeed.

I made a list of some of my favorite fidgets (you can find them other places/other prices I just included links for reference)

Ball: https://www.amazon.com/.../ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o04_s00... Kinetic Sand (i have four colors that I found in the stores): https://www.target.com/.../kinetic-sand.../-/A-15339388... Spinner rings: I have the bird one from this site and love it but there’s super cute one’s on amazon and etsy https://www.stimtastic.co/stim-jewelry/... Fidget cube: https://www.amazon.com/Ratoop.../dp/B01MR8FWC5/ref=sr_1_6... Mesh marbles: https://www.amazon.com/Sooth.../dp/B075MHFSYW/ref=sr_1_47... Tangles: https://www.amazon.com/Set.../dp/B0034EKP8Q/ref=sr_1_7... If you want something that makes noise for home this is satisfying: https://www.amazon.com/Nelib.../dp/B01N7041YG/ref=sr_1_19... If you need something to focus on this is great: https://www.amazon.com/Toysm.../dp/B00YRZ5QTE/ref=sr_1_60... There’s also good combo packs on amazon if you search anxiety toys or fidget toys

[wewillrebuild-blog]

It’s been a while since I’ve had a really real mental health update post & I figured since it’s #NEDAwareness week, #nationalselfinjuryday & midterms it’s perfect timing. I was scrolling through my pictures today and found this photo of my bathroom mirror from a few weeks ago (excuse the language) & quickly snapped one in my same mirror today. I feel like these are such a good little snapshot of what mental health/mental illness looks like to me some days. My first night in this apartment (my very first real apartment) I was alone & nervous & excited. The walls were bare, I had no furniture, I had no wifi to distract with, but I wanted to make it look like the home I felt it already was. I quickly wrote inspirational post-its to hang on my bathroom mirror because my bathroom floors have always been the place where I feel the most grounded and safe but they’re ironically also the places where I can be the most destructive and dangerous. These post-its have been there every single day I’ve lived here to remind me of my worth and importance. I frequently write inspirational quotes or affirmations on my mirror in dry erase marker because it’s fun to change it up and it makes a huge difference to wake up to positivity or have those reminders in the middle of the night when life gets hard and it all just feels too heavy. On the flip side, even though the post-its have stayed the entire time, sometimes my mental illness will take over and fight the positivity because it doesn’t feel real or authentic or something that I deserve or could/should have. Mental illness encourages me on days where I feel awful to change a positive affirmation to something like “fuck up” and let me tell you the words you declare over yourself hold SO much power in who and what you believe you are. I was having a really hard day a few weeks ago and angrily scribbled this identity on my mirror and left it for over a week and for that entire time I believed that’s exactly what I was. I would wake up in the morning and be reminded of my supposed “identity” and it would be one of the last things I’d see before bed. Believing this lie allowed me to stay miserable in the pit that mental illness had made and I wasn’t doing anything to fight to get out until one night I tearfully wiped it away and slowly starting adding the positives back because I needed to believe that I could be something good. It always blows my mind how much of an impact the seemingly small, unimportant, or meaningless things can have on my day, week, month, or mental health in general. Something I’ve really been working on this month is be aware of my negative self-talk and trying to reframe those beliefs because often that negative self-talk and negative beliefs about myself are the things that lead me to rely on my negative coping mechanisms like self-injury and disordered eating habits but it doesn’t have to be that way. I can take one little step towards change and have it make a difference each day because recovery really just is showing up and taking a step no matter how big it is or isn’t. So I encourage you to look at the things in your life that are hurting you or the ways you see yourself and try to reframe them into ways you can build yourself up. If you believe you deserve better things, you do so defy your mental illness and choose recovery. Choose positivity.

[wewillrebuild-blog]

Why I’m Grateful Taylor Swift Is Included in Time's 'Person of the Year' Issue

TIME magazine just announced that “silence breakers” are this year’s “Person of the Year.”

This is huge and also very fitting.

This year has been full of reports about sexual assault, harassment and misconduct. So many amazingly strong people have started campaigns to raise awareness and support for survivors, and so many people have also stood up against their perpetrators.

I am so thankful TIME chose some of the people they did, but I’m also extremely thankful they chose Taylor Swift to be included.

Not because she is famous, not because she is beautiful and not because I’m a huge fan of hers, but rather for the impact her specific case had on me.

For those of you who didn’t follow her original case earlier this year, here’s a little summary: During one of her meet-and-greets on her Red tour, Denver radio host, David Mueller groped her ass. He was fired over the incident, and then sued Taylor for damages. She countersued for an iconic $1, but stated she hoped the case could serve as an example to other women. The judge sided with Taylor.

This case was huge for me as it was happening, but today I was reminded of its significance again.

As a survivor of both rape and other sexual assaults, I’m grateful for people who are coming forward with rape accusations, but also for those like Taylor who take action against other forms of seemingly more “minor” acts of sexual assaults.

Last night, before TIME released their “Person of the Year,” I was sexually assaulted at a bus stop. A man I did not know hugged me, groped my ass and tried kissing me. When I told one of my friends about what happened they asked if I wanted to report it, and I answered that it wasn’t big enough. I hadn’t reported rape, so why would I report this?

Then I woke up to see this news.

I was reminded that Taylor had her ass groped just like I did last night, and won in court over it. I was reminded that by staying silent I am giving the power to my assailant. I was reminded that I am allowed to speak up and use my voice and fight for myself and those around me.

Taylor’s case reminds me that any sexual assault is not acceptable and people need to be held accountable for this actions.

Taylor’s case being part of Time’s “Person of the Year” gives me hope that 2018 will be a continuation of the progress that was started in 2017 of bringing light to the darkness that is sexual assault.

I hope 2018 is full of perpetrators getting what they deserve and survivors finding peace in justice. I hope 2018 brings survivors closer together as they fight for each other. I hope 2018 uses these silence breakers like Taylor Swift as a reminder to survivors that we can still hold all of our power.

[wewillrebuild-blog]

•fear•

[wewillrebuild-blog]

1 year.

[wewillrebuild-blog]

Day 30.

Honestly, these past 30 days have been some of the hardest of my life.

They’ve been filled with so much sadness, loneliness, isolation, and hurt. They’ve been filled with tearful attempts to learn to feel emotions without immediately trying to numb them out.

These past thirty days have been ones of trying to figure out how I fit into my friend groups sober and realizing that some friends just don’t fit into my life anymore.

These past 30 days have been testing. They’ve shown me that I’m stronger than I think through throwing out drugs, twice, to getting through heartbreak sober. They’ve also shown me that I don’t need to prove to be strong and trying to still go to parties sober or sit with alcohol and not drink it is just stupid and unnecessarily tempting.

These past 30 days have shown me the importance of community on a level I haven’t experienced before. They’ve taught me that it’s much more beneficial to pick up the phone and call people instead of sitting on the bathroom floor fighting alone. They’ve taught me it’s not noble to fight alone, it’s stupid & it’s risky. They’ve taught me it’s okay to call people in between tear-filled breaths & admit you’re not okay. They’ve taught me sometimes you need people to give you hope but sometimes you just need people to sit with you in your struggle and validate that it sucks.

These past 30 days have been those of rebuilding. Each day I had to rebuild. I had to rebuild and find out who I was, what I should feel, and how to deal with my own thoughts again.

These past 30 days have been miserable & I’m not even gonna try to sugarcoat that.

But they’ve been necessary.

These past 30 days have shown me that I am worthy. I am worthy of sobriety, of recovery, of hope. They’ve shown me that I deserve more and the people around me deserve more from me.

These past 30 days I’ve been learning to ask for help.

These past 30 days I’ve been learning to receive support.

These past 30 days I’ve been learning to be grateful.

Today I am a better version of myself than 30 days ago.

I’m gonna end this post with a lyric from Hamilton (bc why not) that feels very fitting to celebrate the day

//Look at where you are / look at where you started / the fact that you’re alive is a miracle / just stay alive, that would be enough//

[wewillrebuild-blog]

Tonight I sat watching a cubs game for the first time in a year. This time last year while the cubs were playing in the World Series I left Northwestern and was transported to Chicago Lakeshore for a forced psych intake. I remember seeing the cubs logo on the Ferris wheel at navy peer through the ambulance doors on that rainy night. I remember sitting in a creaky chair by the front desk in two west asking the nurse every couple of minutes what the score was for over an hour to not feel so alone and isolated and scared. I remember the nurse would turn his phone towards me every once in a while so I could see what was going on. I remember when the cubs won I cried because Chicago history was happening and I couldn’t be part of it. I remember having a panic attack because of how powerless I felt and being told to “be quiet” and “pull yourself together” or they’d move me to a different floor and that I was “lucky to be there” I remember feeling all of the feelings I felt in that moment... feelings I never want to feel so intensely ever again. I’ve been spending the last few weeks feeling like things feel all too similar to last year but today was a reminder that they’re not. So much has changed. Things might feel chaotic but they’re nowhere near the level of chaos from last year. I feel overwhelmed but not at all as overwhelmed as last year. I’m grateful I have the treatment team I have now. I’m grateful I’m not in lakeshore right now. I’m grateful I don’t have to feel like I did last year. I’m grateful I’m learning how to ask for help. I’m grateful I know how to admit I’m not okay.

[wewillrebuild-blog]

“It’s okay to mourn”

I was talking to someone in the program that I look up to a lot about the intense sadness I’ve been feeling over the last 18 days and he responded with “of course you feel that way, you’re grieving. It’s okay to mourn… Actually it’s necessary”

Truth is, mourning feels like an accurate description of what I’m experiencing. I feel like I’m literally grieving the loss of the person I have known myself to be my entire adult life & that’s terrifying. I’m sitting in the sadness of losing people and places and things I valued. But I’m learning that’s okay.

Truth is, it’s easy to look back through old pictures and convince myself everything is fine & I don’t have a problem but the truth is that pictures are not the complete reality. Pictures show the good parts of life and not all the parts I’ve worked to hard to erase. So on days like today where I’m scrolling back through the pictures missing the “good times” it’s necessary to remind myself it really wasn’t all that good. As I scrolled through all my pictures of alcohol I came across a lot of pictures of bathroom floors and tear filled cries for help and the truth is that’s my reality when substances are at the center of my world.

When you’re mourning the death of a person it’s common to post pictures remembering the person you loved so I guess this is my attempt to remember the thing that I loved.

I guess this is me mourning. And I guess that’s okay.

[wewillrebuild-blog]

Transperancy

Just because I am open about my recovery does not mean I am okay.

The other day I shared a vulnerable and transparent narrative to my story revolving around substance abuse. I shared that blog on multiple social media platforms and received support from hundreds of people I call family and friends and even people I’ve never met before in my life. That day also happened to be one of the hardest days in my sobriety so far. 

I was receiving messages commending me for my sobriety and effort while battling with myself not to go use. 

I was responding my appreciation and gratitude to people while feeling like I couldn’t accept their praise still being at the point of struggle I was at.

I was sitting in guilt that I did not feel far enough along in my healing to share because I wasn’t “okay.”

Just because I am open about my recovery does not mean I have to be okay.

I’m learning now exactly what I felt when I started this blog. I do not have to be okay to be open and honest because in reality being open and honest just means meeting people where they’re at, or meeting myself where I am at. 

Right now I’m still in a place of constant struggle but I have a treatment team and an army of a support network that have my back through everything.

I have always believed in the beauty of vulnerability and honesty and that means being open about my whole story, not just the good times and the accomplishments. There is beauty in the fight. There is beauty in the struggle. There is beauty in the way community responds to need. Being open about my story means allowing my community to see the places where I am in need and allows them to fill those spaces.

So today I’m grateful for the ability to share any piece of my story, especially the struggles.

Being open about my recovery means being open, honest, and vulnerable especially when I’m not okay.

[wewillrebuild-blog]

“Hi I’m Kenzie & I’m an alcoholic”

When I was 20 years old I was diagnosed with Alcohol Use Disorder.

Now there’s usually two responses to this: 1) you’re not of of legal age how can you already be an alcoholic? 2) of course you did every 20 year old drinks too much

At this point these two responses just kind of make me giggle because they’re so far off from the point that people should be making.

For a while I believed the second response. Being only 20 years old and being in college drinking felt like the normal thing to do. After all how could I have a problem if I wasn’t stealing from my family for alcohol money or any of the other crazy stories I would hear about alcoholics? Even after being put on university probation due to alcohol I refused to admit it was a problem.

When I was in inpatient I was listed under detox for alcohol dependence and was forced to attend 12 step meetings daily but all this did was make me resentful that it meant only getting 20 minutes of visitor time instead of an hour and convinced me I didn’t have a problem because I wasn’t addicted to heroin or meth.

I spent spring semester in an Intensive Outpatient Program and one day while meeting with my therapist she recommend that I start the substance abuse program and I laughed. “I’m in college of course I abuse substances but I can stop if I want” typical addict response finding a way to justify the behavior and pretending that’s it’s something I could just stop. I started substance abuse classes and took intake exams that told me that I had a “severe and dangerous dependence”

This can’t be right…

Severe and dangerous, no way!

Being the stubborn person that I am I retook the test thinking I would take it and minimize my answers and get a different response but I took it and got, you guessed it “severe and dangerous” again. I started processing with the group about my dependency on substances and how I had tried to normalize it so much that it got to the point where I literally convinced myself what I was doing was normal. My group leader told me to make a list of my drinking traits that probably weren’t healthy and there were some key things that stuck out as warning signs

•I would drink to avoid, distract, or forget •I wouldn’t count my drinks •I felt guilty while drinking and felt worse the day after •I would drink at any time of day •I preferred to drink alone •I drank to the point of blacking out basically on a weekly basis •I would outdrink my friends •I would make restrictions/limits and break them every time. ...and the list just kept going

I started playing around with the idea of sobriety but passed it off as something I wouldn’t do especially in college after all how would I have fun if I couldn’t go out? Then the university searched my room after getting a tip that there was substances in there and in a whirlwind couple of days I was placed back on university probation, lost my job, was fired from all volunteer positions I held within the school, and lost multiple sets of community in the process. I had finally hit a bottom that hurt.. a lot. I started attending AA meetings (per suggestion of the university and my IOP) and realized I had one of those stories of losing what felt like everything to alcohol. I refused to admit I was an alcoholic for about a month of attending multiple meetings a week. I thought I just had a problem but I wasn’t bad enough to be a full blown alcoholic right? Wrong.

I’m 21 years old now and still figuring out how being an alcoholic plays into my life.

Im grateful for my boss who lets me sit in his office to talk freely about recovery.

I’m grateful for community that I can text/call anytime so I don’t have to recover alone.

I’m grateful for meetings that keep me accountable and inspired.

I’m grateful that I don’t have to use all my energy to keep up appearances.

I’m grateful there are no more drunken snapchats/FaceTimes from my bathroom floor.

I’m grateful I don’t have to feel the way I did 10 days ago.

Here’s to 10 days. Here’s to support. Here’s to recovery.

[wewillrebuild-blog]

“You and your personhood are the priority”

Trauma is complex. The aftermath comes in waves. Some weeks are totally fine and others feel like the waves are crashing down at such fast speeds that even breathing is exhausting and strenuous.

This week looks a lot more like the latter.

This semester I am in 5 classes that feel as though they are the hardest classes I’ve taken at Loyola so far. I feel like there is never enough time to read all the textbooks, do all the homework, and attend all the classes.

It feels as though there is simply not enough time and energy to balance school, work, extracurriculars, recovery, and all the planning and work that goes into preparing for next year because let's be real fall semester of senior year is a crazy one.

Today I missed class because I was over-exhausted and under-prepared and just could not handle everything that the 8 am was demanding of me. I arrived to work 30 minutes late and my bosses did not care at all because I work in an office that values me as a person more than me as solely an employee.

I realized I was doing an injustice to my job by not letting them in on everything that was happening so I decided today was the day to change that.

My professors received a Title IX email this semester explaining to them my situation and gently reminding them that under the federal civil rights law that is Title IX the University is obligated to remedy any harm and to consider reasonable accommodations that survivors need. I decided to forward this email to my bosses since they are still within the University to let them in on my situation and explain that this week is an especially hard one.

Immediately after sending the email to both my bosses I got responses full of support encouraging me to do whatever I need to take care of my own well-being and reiterating that they are there with me in any way they can be.

One of my bosses mentioned that she gives her students “panic cards” to help communicate when they’re struggling or need extra time or flexibility on an assignment and offered to do the same for me. She ended her e-mail with the sentence “You and your personhood are the priority”

This.

I needed to be reminded that I’m not just a student, an employee, a senior, a survivor, or any other label being thrown at me with obligations attached. I am a person and the well-being of me as a person comes first.

So often it is so easy to get caught up in everything that we have to do and everything that we have to be but in reality we as people need to come first in our own lives. That sounds incredibly selfish but it’s true. Recently I stepped back from a lot of extra-curricular activities because I was not doing justice to everything I had committed to. I had overcommitted to the point where I was always multi-tasking and never fully present so I was not giving myself fully to anything I had committed to and that was not fair to myself or anyone else involved. The things I commit to deserve my full attention and energy but I deserve my full attention and energy as well.

I am grateful that I work in an office that reminds me of my worth as a person and encourages me to take the necessary time to focus on my health.

I am grateful I have bosses that cover me in prayers and tangible support.

I am grateful that I am able to be open and honest and be met where I am.

[wewillrebuild-blog]

//People need other people// Intentionality. Oh my goodness this has been something I've been learning the importance of so much this year. I'm having to be intentional with my time, commitments, and relationships. Senior year is so easy to become overwhelmed, overcommitted, and overextended and I did just that. I realized last week how focused I had been on everything but relationships and realized immediately that needed to change. I quickly sent emails and texts out to friends and people I look up to at Loyola asking for coffee dates or times to catch up. I got lots of answers but I got an email back from one of the women I most admire on campus that stuck out the most. It started with the line "life is crazy busy right now AND I always have time for you" I cried. I needed to not only intentionally choose to spend uninterrupted time with someone but I needed someone to meet me in my intentionality and remind me of my importance. I have spent the last week carving out 40 min-1 hour time blocks to put down my phone and have discussions of life and recovery. There have been so many laughs and tears but through it all I have been reminded just how strong of a support network I have and how many people are on my team. Today I went out to coffee with one of my reslife friends from last year and we got to have an honest conversation about struggles and healing. We talked for an hour about mental health and community. We laughed about aspirations and plans and goals. Today I'm thankful he reminded me of the importance of declaring struggles into existence because once they've been spoken community can support you in the process. Today I'm thankful for Joshua. This week I'm thankful for coffee, intentional conversations, and friends. People need other people and I'm so happy I have my people💚

[wewillrebuild-blog]

//Thoughts on being back in the studio// I spent weeks telling everyone how stoked I was to be taking a dance class at school this semester because it had been years since I've been in a studio. When I started classes I felt myself immediately feeling defeated because I was nowhere near the dancer I once was; my flexibility was gone, my core strength non-existent, my kicks were low, and my turns were uncontrolled. I hated seeing myself in a leotard and hated seeing my technique even more. I found myself dreading going to class and even considering dropping because I was embarrassed and disappointed in myself as a dancer. It's now week three and my professor/instructor has been consistently using me as an example to demonstrate everything from pliés to flat backs to tendus to grand battements to jazz runs and on and on. My confidence was restored because I started seeing myself as a dancer again after all I was being used as the example of what to do to people that were just learning and that felt great. I am a dancer. I may not be at the level I once was but my foundation is still there. I love dance. I love taking time to focus solely on myself and my recovery by doing something that brings me joy.