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only lovers left

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i feel so much better when no one knows where i am and what im doing.

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Alexa Demie by Prince & Jacob For Galore Magazine

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Lashontae Heckard in Because of You by Neyo (2007)

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Can I eat your pussy as friends?

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i just found this. it came up in my suggestions and holy fuck i am sobbing all over again. im wearing a shirt with him on it right now. its been 7 years and we just had his trial in january. they were found not guilty. i still feel like i am in a parallel universe. not much has changed with what i wrote. it all still feels the exact same honestly. if you have a sibling go tell them you love them right now just for me. tell everyone while they are here how much you love them please.

today marks five months since my brother passed away. it still feels odd and like it didn’t happen or still as if it’s impossible to really be true. i don’t know why i posting this here, i typically never post about him anywhere anymore. i think posting him here with my thoughts brings me more comfort. tumblr people always make me feel accepted. it’s weird, i know. i learned that with death it affects you and definitely changes you, but the pain never leaves. i don’t even think it heals, i think we just learn to live better with the pain each and everyday. i still feel like a piece of me broke off and just won’t ever be put back. they still haven’t caught the guy who did it yet..can you believe it? in a small ass town, they still haven’t caught him within five months. i don’t think my brother is at peace. i feel like he won’t rest properly until the case has been closed properly. i just kinda keep pushing because i guess that what i’m supposed to do. i feel like when someone close to you dies, it’s like you fall on a different path from the world and you’re just watching them leave you because you can’t keep up anymore. you don’t know how to keep up anyways. i talk to him all the time..i’m always yelling out “do you see me struggling out here, always making stuff difficult for myself”…“i hope you’re laughing with me and my mess”..i wish my brother would’ve made it out of that small town. he was to big for it. i wish my brother would’ve made it to see 2018. i wish he would’ve accomplished and did everything he wanted out of life. i wish he was here for me to talk to. i wish he was still alive. out of everything in the world that we know and that has been proven to us scientifically, death is the one thing that will always remain foreign until you die yourself. sorry i’m rambling you guys, but i hope everyone brought in 2018 the best way and i hate how inactive i am on here. i’m gonna try to be more active on here, within my life, within my hobbies. my brother would want me to be more productive. i can do so my greatness in this world. happy 2018.

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Sonia Cole at Jean Louis Scherrer F/W (1990)

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photographer: Pedro Napolinário // source: zonaagbara

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“The prettier the garden, the dirtier the hands of the gardener.”

— B. E. Barnes, Put in work.

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