vintage-clown

[vintage-clown]

I’m going to make a new font called Times New Bastard

[vintage-clown]

i was kind of imagining all 15 pipes dropping at the same time in one cacophony but he drops them one after another very methodically and then sighs and goes At least i only dropped 14 of them.. & then there's. well you're smart you can figure this one out

[vintage-clown]

gender-affirming surgery is a months-long dark comedy. what the fuck do you mean you're charging me double for everything. what do you mean they itemize the bill by left and right ball. what the fuck.

[vintage-clown]

>Morning shift

>Customer is angry that we disabled his card

>calm him down because it is a security measure

>We had to block his card because he spent 5k on Genshin Impact at 4AM and almost drained his entire bank account

>The instant we unblock his card he spends 200 more dollars on Genshin Impact

[vintage-clown]

idk I just personally think that getting chills from music is the best part of being alive. like when a song is so good you can feel it in your whole body. that's why I'm here.

[vintage-clown]

[vintage-clown]

[vintage-clown]

reddit is having a glitch where it puts the wrong captions over photos and it’s the only thing i care about right now

[vintage-clown]

What the sneef? I'm snorfin' here!

[vintage-clown]

big if true

[vintage-clown]

So I had a hysterectomy today (hooray!) and I brought along my stuffed orca, Shamu, as a comfort object. And everyone i interacted with during my pre-op was like "Oh! Who's this?" so I was telling them all about him, how he's been with me since I was 9 and gone on every single vacation and road trip, and they were telling me about their own stuffed buddies (one lady said she still has hers after 40 years!) and all of this while I was signing consent forms and providing a list of the things I'd brought with me, you know, small talk.

So then a nurse comes over and goes "Okay, I've got some stickers I'll put on your things so we know they're yours" and I'm like "OK cool" so she puts a sticker on my coat and stickers on my bags of clothes and then she turns to Shamu and I'm like "oh I guess he gets a sticker too"

But no. She pulls out a hospital bracelet that's an exact copy of mine and slaps it on his tail, like so:

And i was delighted by this, so I took a picture to send to my friends, who were equally delighted, and were cracking me up with their reactions (like so:)

Anyway, they take me back and put me under, and when I awake groggily a few hours later it takes me a minute to get my bearings, so I don't notice Shamu at first. But then I realize he's tucked up next to me in the gurney, so I grab him, and my hand touches gauze.

And I'm like "huh?" so I look at him and I realize

They gave my fucking orca a hysterectomy

[vintage-clown]

Every time I come across the nefarious anglerfish he's acting infinitely more fucked up

[vintage-clown]

Babygirl I have mental illnesses the dsmp hasn’t even heard of

[vintage-clown]

just born yesterday. me and my dumb fuck life

[vintage-clown]

[vintage-clown]

(to the tune of mary had a little lamb): mary had a little lamb

[vintage-clown]

How are my sweetie pees