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Bol

Nešto u srcu te steže. Nešto te steže od detinjstva. Nešto te prati kao suđeni vernik. Nešto te cepa iznutra kao čovek koji zubima cepa Božje ime dok ga moli da mu greh oprosti. Jede te kao greh kako si se rodio.

Večeras greh te doziva. Večeras trčiš ka njemu kao manijak. Večeras plačeš jer ti je na vrhovima prstiju, a šaka ga ne može dostići.

Da li te guše reči zaglavljene u grlu? Da li ni vrisak ne može da ih satera? Je l steže, je l steže, je l steže... Da li ti jecaj prepliće jezik? Da li je neko tu za tebe? Da li misle da si lud? Da te nije sramota?

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Honestly I'm so done with having people with ill, untrue or unclear intentions around me, even if they don't have that big of a role in my life because I don't do that to people even if they mean little to me. I'm not mean at all, nor do I wish for peoples downfall, nor do I do anything against them, I even alter my own thoughts and opinions so that they don't get hurt. Or at least, if I think something mean, I present it with a clear and objective explanation. Not because I want them to be happy or think I'm a saint, but because I expect them to do the same for me and I think that's how everybody should be. I'm SO DONE.

I hope I meet people who won't step on me for no reason. I hope I meet people who respect the unspoken as much as I do. Why am I the only one that suffers and still loves the ones that caused my suffering? I don't think loving is wrong, I think it's wrong to make people fucking suffer.

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Osećam se kao da od sad pa na dalje umem samo tebe da volim i nekako je uzalud što ne mogu to da ispunim

Naučila sam da želim da budem u tvom naručju

Šta ću sa ovim rukama kad nisu na tebi?

Šta ću sa ovim očima kad nisi pred njima?

Šta ću sa ovim rečima kad te ne dostižu?

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Ја пустим своју руку напред

и како благи зраци сунца

чија топлота сваким даном постаје све блажа и јесења

одмори на мојој кожи

осетим, кроз њих

да твоја рука моју ухвати и држи

и бојим се да те једино тако могу опет додирнути, лепото

и бојим се јер знам

да ће и сами зраци

нестати

за који месец, који дан...

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On my way to the sea I passed your birth town

It's not as heavy of a sight as it lingers in your memory

we kept riding so I moved on to the shore

the sea is narrow from a height and the moon is full

somthing howls in the dark and

My mind keeps coming back to you:

Little you and your mother, just like my mother and I

The bus, the mountains, the tunnels.

Although I'd imagine you in winter, for a change.

I imagined a snowy bumpy road, and the cold and your cries.

I think that's too much for any child.

I write this here for you wouldn't understand

I do not seek to speak with you

I just want to let you know that it's not your fault.

And perhaps I would have held you in that moment months ago, in that moment when you'd almost break down in my arms.

And perhaps I would have held you, but alas I knew

If I held you I knew you'd hurt even more.

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On my way to see the sea, I passed through your birth town

The westren adriatric sea from above is so narrow

When you're at the height,

up in the Montenegrian mountains, and sorrow - it is very close to my heart.

The town in itself is not as heavy of a sight

But beware of the wolves, they howl and bite

The way you'd tell me about it, it is as heavy,

as heavy as my ride tonight.

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you told me you love me but i felt like you made a promise you'd feel bad about breaking so you'd keep finding excuses to love me, i doubted your love a lot

i often panic and cry about us, but i wouldn't tell you that

i know i love you, but i also get pissed

i also know i can stop loving you whenever i decide to, but that's not the same as getting over you

i know that ill never in a million years get over what we had

i love you, but i dont know if its love for i can turn it off whenever

but that's how i love everyone, so its probably just me

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Can you hear your childhood home

Can you see it again

Sense it

Sense your front yard

look at it through your own lens

Remember it the way it was

Do you hear the storm approaching

I know you see

The strums of wind

Like its playing a guitar

And it sings an angry song

but do you hear the storm crying in the distance

Cant you hear the sky is singing

Its humming a tune, its dancing

the clouds are dancing but the earth is angry

it might kill you, it might strum you too

and its strumming

and the sky sings a different tune

but they are the symphony

of your long lost home

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Writing prompt: A fridge full of rotting guilty pleasures

I wear my heart on my sleeve

but my truth is buried deep within my chest your arms are unable to dig deep enough they'd be short weak and slender if they were your words

i remember a colourful road, a street, a house besides a house and another house and a home, i remember tunnels and playgrounds i move fast though, but i cant remember you

i pick my pains and sorrows, i often talk them down, but i keep a frigde of rotten secrets from which you'll never hear a sound

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I think i owe you a visit

you used to be shorter than me

then taller

now youre shorter again

and i hate you

and to me

you dont exist

but i owe it to your image

i owe it to you

as my dearest inspiration

my pointless hue

in a colorless world

you've opened my eyes

and they haven't closed since

and we grew up together

like destiny's twins

and i still feel your heart

pumping through mine

i read your fingerprints

all of the time

and i know

oh i know

ill never see you the same

for ive looked into your deep eyes

time and again

and they're not the ones

that used to gaze at me back then

oh id sell my soul

to feel it

id break my bones

to be it

for i am not the same as i used to be

and if i met you again

i think id cry

id run away

id say goodbye

i wouldnt try

id brush you off

id think you're childish

for i have grown

and in my memory

you stay forever young

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Ja verujem da neke stvari

Treba znati

Ali da mnoge stvari

Ne treba reći

Jer jedno je kad ja znam

Da si ti snažan i izdržljiv

I kad znam da sam ti trebala

I da smo ispunili dužnosti jedno drugom u životu

I rekla bih ti da si dostojan

Svega što dobijaš i svega što želiš

I rekla bih ti da si na pravom putu

Do svoje sreće i ispunjenosti

Ali to bi bile prazne priče,

Zato Bog ne govori

Ali hoću da znaš da sam ti pruẓ̌ila ljubav

Onoliko koliko sam mogla da pružim

I mislim da bi išta više od toga bilo suvišno

Ali se nadam da ti je značilo

Jer si ti meni mnogo značio

I znam da tvoja čežnja,

ali i čežnja mnogih likova,

Kad uhvati

Ne pušta

Ali pusti me

Molim te

Jer ja najbolje pustam

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my hip

on your waist

your hand

down my thigh

your leg

crosses mine

pin me down

feel me up

ask me

ask me

i tell you yes

i tell you no

you only listen

only nod

you look at me

pretty eyes

you say i bite

i get shy

i start to talk

i tell a lie

i get really really shy

your passion, i dont know of it

i guess it does exist

i didnt want it to mean that much to me

i grieve.

i dont know how to say my words

you say you dont know how to talk dirty

i wonder how you'd talk dirty

would you pull it off?

would i like it?

would you?

you wait for my reaction,

you act as if im porcelain

you hold me like I'll break

you talk to me like I'll break

i think that i will break

i feel as if im a thousand pieces you're putting together

and i dont know what to say, i know nothing about dirty talk

well, i do know a lot

its just different when its real.

you wait for my reaction

but i stare at you blankly

i was staring at you blankly all night

i was so scared

its getting late

time is nowhere

i cant really feel

the seconds passing through

when im in your arms

when im into you

ignore the awkwardness

muffle up the silence

i dont need to hear it

i think ill break

i pull out of your kiss

i stare into your lips,

your eyes,

your lips,

your eyes,

over again

i think ill break

either we kiss or talk

you talk, i get shy

i think ill break

you tell me i look scared

i nod

your hip

on my waist

your hand

down my tigh

you ask

and i lie

i know you tried to let me know

you were turned on

its not hard for me to turn you on

im glad you're back on track

im just really

really

scared.

but i wanted to come front.

back in the summer night id imagine us

i knew you wanted me

id imagine me pulling in to kiss you

out of spite

id get under your shirt

i missed you

out of spite

if i loved you, it was out of spite.

it was purely out of spite.

out of hatred, of revenge.

but you're actually really nice...

i dont want to love you.

i just wanted to be treated right.

no attachment, just a deal.

i dont know if you love me

i think that ill give myself up to you

you say you love me but i doubt it

im just a child

i get attached really fast and i dont know how to be independent

i dont know how to make decisions for myself

you're really caring, you're really nice. so careful and considerate, so patient, so kind. you dont ask me hard questions, you know that im confused. you dont make me do anything.

why are you trying so hard so suddenly?

is it because you're so close to getting what you want?

will you throw me away once you use me up?

what will you tell your friends about this a year from now? what will you tell yourself about this a year from now? i bet it means nothing to you. i bet it means so little. no, i bet that it will mean so little, but i know if i regret it, I'll never forget it.

so many thoughts stromed through my head

while your fingers were down

i wore layers and layers

i didn't feel a thing, i let you know

if it was summer, id feel a thing or two.

hell, I'd feel so much i wouldn't get it out of my head.

but it's cold outside, im lucky, i guess.

your hands are really pretty. i like the way your fingers look. i was on my back, i was looking at your fingers. you asked me something stupid but i was looking at your hands. you said something bad about your hands, you're so stupid

i like the way you bite

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Ја знам да ниси све што мислиш да си, а ти тешко да знаш шта ја знам, јер ме никад ниси питао. Ти јуриш нешто што не постоји док сам ја пред тобом. Не знам где гледаш, не разумем шта покушаваш и мислим да ти не иде. Ништа у вези тебе не стоји са мном како треба и не разумем те. Једино што знам је да си много леп кад ћутиш и да има нешто у теби што ме зове и да ти требам, али не знам шта је, ни зашто је, ни како до тога, а не знам ни да л' вреди. Вероватно не вреди, али ја немам доказ да не вреди, зато се и враћам по стоти пут.

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Љубоморна сам на сунчеве зраке што са твог прозора ти у рано јутро милују лице. Што те један по један обухвати са сваке стране и држи, па му осетиш топлину.

Да сам зрак сунца посетила бих те свако јутро, јер оваква каква сад сам, не бих те посетила ни у тихој ноћи.

Да л' сунце има скулптуру твог лица у знању својих прстију? Ако је оно нема, имам је ја.

Да л' сунце има очи да те погледа, лепото? Јер ја знам сваку твоју бору, а знам ти и рану.

Да сам зрак сунца посетила бих те свако јутро, ал' пре него што очи отвориш. Само кад спаваш, душо, само тад си спокојан.

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To me, love is much tenser and deeper than you'd think

But I felt everybody thought the way I do

You can't make me love you by giving me a flower

But I will love the darkness inside of you

As long as you feel it deeply and throughly

As long as you're passionate about the pain

Maybe I am a sadist

But maybe my love is meant to heal

And it can only heal the wounded

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Кајем се што те нисам пољубила,

Можда бих осетила нешто па би ми било доста.

Овако само жудим.

Хтела сам да те пољубим али би те болело.

Требало је само мене да боли.

Ја сам девојка која игра по правилима,

а ти си момак на лошем гласу у овом граду.

Хтела сам да ме опечеш, па да осетим нешто,

јер само с' тобом осећам нешто.

Хтела сам да ме искористиш али си ми рекао да ниси такав.

Штета што ниси, с тим бих се и помирила

Овако само жудим.