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I believed I had conquered them. I believed those memories and the sense of victimhood had faded into the past. However, during a ten-day Vipassana meditation retreat where I was required to meditate for 12 hours a day, it all resurfaced. Those memories had buried themselves deep within my mind, hidden beneath the surface of my everyday life and recurring thoughts. They came rushing back and once again, I found myself grappling with them in my daily existence.

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#Diary

What does it feel like when you finally break free from traumatic memory loops and haunting flashbacks of the past? It feels like wandering through a vibrant flower garden, savoring the freedom of life.

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#Diary

I can't fathom how, and the exact day eludes my memory, but I suddenly discerned that those ceaseless torrents of thoughts have now ebbed away. I now embrace tranquility, relaxation, and an uncluttered mind. Through suffering, I found recompense; through waiting, I was rewarded.

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#Diary

Waiting is painful, forgetting is painful, but not knowing what to do is the worst kind of suffering. Unfortunately I had suffered all three of them and eventually still suffering from and will be suffering from fear of death until I die.

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10 posts!

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#Diary

I don't know what I am. Feel all three emotions.

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#Diary

Encountering events reminiscent of a traumatic past or recalling a traumatic event can be profoundly detrimental to individuals with PTSD. Such experiences can hinder their journey towards healing, disrupt their daily routines, work commitments, and family bonds, ultimately leading to extensive and negative repercussions.

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#Diary

Death, the only immortal who treats us all alike, whose pity and whose peace and whose refuge are for all -- the soiled and the pure, the rich and the poor, the loved and the unloved.

Mark Twain

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#the story

On August 6, 2022, while struggling to survive and seeking insight into her thoughts, I declined an indecent proposal. Preparing to end this intolerable suffocating time I conveyed my state of mind on July 20, stating, "I quit this war of nerves and hopeless waiting" My decision was made on July 26 in her house during renovations work. On that day, I realized I was unwanted in the society formed with my group of friends. I aimed to comprehend her thoughts about our malfunctioning relationship. The moment arrived on August 6. In response, she offered a malfunctioning proposal, saying, "This can go like this! You can flirt with me, or we can even have sex." I departed that day, knowing I wouldn't endure such humiliation and soon rediscovered my self-esteem. After a lengthy journey, the fortunate moment of complete liberation came into my life on August 17, 2023, shortly after my 51st birthday.

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#Diary

August 6, 202

Today marks one year since my survival from the apocalyptic event I endured for six long months. Those days were filled with stress, sleepless nights, uncertainty, rejections, humiliation, insults, suffocation, restlessness, and many other mental and physical health disorders, which eventually led me to a heart attack two months later. However, on this day, I took control of my life and felt like a free spirit.

I now can differentiate the refreshing feeling of fresh air from the suffocating grasp of a toxic relationship with a narcissistic manipulator. This newfound clarity has empowered me to prioritize my well-being and surround myself with positive influences.

On this day I'd like to express my heartfelt gratitude to Heera Moktadir for his tremendous support during this difficult episode of my life when the world I thought was mine failed me.

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#Diary

Flashbacks can be deadly. When I try to forget and be compassionate to myself, they vividly resurrect moments from the past—loud in sound and images. These flashbacks encompass attitudes, silent humiliations, mere blinks of the eyes, hurtful words, or impulsive acts. The memory of her saying, "Son of a bitch, you don't call me anymore," lingers as if it just happened. They are numerous, still hurting like fresh wounds.

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#Diary

I still have a long way to go, dealing with the everyday challenges of heart failure complications, trying to shield my mind from toxic memories of people who played with my life, and overcoming flashbacks that hinder me from living life to the fullest."

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#Diary

The worst-case scenario is waking up with a traumatic memory from the past or dreaming about people who were involved. It completely ruins the entire day, making it difficult to live in the present moment and leads to severe levels of procrastination. To cope with these negative thoughts, I find solace in reading books, as it helps me divert my mind and find some relief.

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#Diary

A traumatic memory loop and an overthinking mind, full of victimhood, are once again happening for the last few weeks. Those memories, flashbacks, and people who witnessed my sufferings silently have resulted in severe procrastination. Despite that, I have managed my daily life and stayed calm.

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#Diary

Still blue

Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) often develops soon after exposure to traumatic events and can remain chronic for decades. 

However, PTSD can also present in an episodic manner, with symptoms fluctuating in severity across the lifespan as individuals encounter triggers (eg, trauma anniversaries), new stressors, or new sources of support. 

Essentially, similar to other mental disorders, PTSD can relapse and remit over time; low levels of symptoms at one timepoint might not be a reliable indicator of sustained improvement. 

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