|"C"/she/they/21| *NO MINORS*MUST BE+20* Account just for ranting because I like to "talk" -cw and tw sometimes- NSFW will be tagged #exp
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Imagining myself w another lover on motorcycle naked,feeling the hot sun on our skin,bare skin on leather seat,sweating,weeting,cuming,rubing
#nsfw#shit I long for sex#I need to find a connexion w another human#as deeply as I feel#feeling this is one of my purpose of my life why I am alive because I feel deeply when there is a connexion#I could die for the other person I could do anything#and I could be submissive let my gard down feel alive again#I feel dead atm and I long for a thrille#exp
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Wanting to do sport,wanting to move this cell pole of a body,making it in action,wanting also this back to be less painfull when standing too long in the same position.
I hate to know that normally the surgery I've been uped to did not erase the pain,it is less painfull yes but it's another way of pain I am feeling now wish sucks so bad..
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The violence is never ending
#to think of a body without violence in it#being SA many times tortur even#this violence will stay until it dies#the body keep the score all of it's brief moment of living#it hurt and it hurt coming in waves like my brain is the seashore of this traumatics sea#I want this sea to be quieter I tried with everybody even the mental healts pros it seems that this body of rage will never stop
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It was TDOV yersteday,
I usually celebrate but this time I was mourning
I am non-binary not open about it to my family but to my friends yes
It's hard this days to feel connected to it,this big part of my core since I am just a bag of meat atm
However always greatfull for my transness
fewest thing that it is worth breathing for
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Am I not capable of this ? Is school only for the lonely Child,for the only child ?..
Disconected since the age of stone
Shit I am truly human after all
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Feeling like my life is a movie,I hear all the noises of the living,I don't think I do,my breathe is heavy at times as my desire growth.
The sound of my fingers touching my skin
Feeling disconnected
Feeling not myself,just a body
Disconnected some wires of my core
Taking action means not thinking
If I think everything falls
I am just a big ball of desires and cells,every second a lot of cells dies just like a lot of new ones are born.
I want to feel,I want to be hurt,I want to hurt my body just to feel,I want others to use me so I can feel,this is self harm,yes,for it's the cause of my living.
This harm is theraputical sometimes,juste like a little smoke is.
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Science made me feel capable it give me purpose and I long for that,I was schearching for purpose my whole teenage years,now I arrived at my young adult life finding it in something I though was impossible for me,thinking that I was/am incapable of understanding it..man,I am so happy.
I have found the strenght inside of me,a burning or ice cold that it left a burning,feeling of passion. I have found something that was missing,one more pieces enveloping my core making this wall of skin thick.
Bulding myself and the body up and down and up for the rest of my life,feeling content of it and accepting it.
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Feeling better,recovering from those period step by step.
I have a goal and I think from now and then it made me secure,it helped
#knowing what I want#I have all of this energy and ambitions and I want to work for it#I just needed to find what will be my end goal#working in the field of archaeometry#wanting to work and undestand ADN molecule biology in general
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I NEED to persist for my family and friends
It is all exploding inside what,where,when,who,how
I.Don't.Know
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I NEED to persist for my family and friends
It is all exploding inside what,where,when,who,how
I.Don't.Know
#r ant#I am completly blind#It's so hard#taking car of the body#myself#what should I do#i am not well
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