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Production Meeting IV

Jim read an article on Wild Mountain Thyme which talked about Screen Ireland and Section 481 and he’s nearly lost his mind.

Somehow, we have made it this far without any mention of the myriad incentive schemes available for making movies in Ireland. And although we’re shooting huge chunks of it in Prague, it still counts as an Irish movie on the books. 

He brought a portfolio full of incentive schemes and investment opportunities and government programs to show the producers, who, you will remember, have already sunk many millions into this definitely doomed project. 

The only problem is that these producers assumed that Jim had already investigated every possible financial opportunity before asking them for money. They were not impressed by the fact that all of these opportunities were news to Jim. 

Jim figured out what was happening in that conversation and very quickly pivoted to pretending that he was explaining what they had already done, and almost shouting at the producers the exact grants and schemes we had “successfully” applied for. 

I was standing outside the door for a while before I figured out why Jim was acting so weird. His explanations were reaching a desperate scream when I understood that he expected me to produce some documents to back him up. I ran to the nearest computer, used the templates on Word to mock up some applications and grant forms, printed a few out and ran back to Jim.  He flourished them triumphantly in front of the producers. They didn’t even look at them.

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Casting IV

Everybody calm down! We have a celebrity attached! And it’s a proper Hollywood name, too. 

Granted, we only managed to get Hollywood by lying to her that another Famous Actor, with whom she always wanted to work, is also attached. Of course, there is no way in hell we can get Famous Actor, so this only ends two ways. 

Either we manage to convince Hollywood to stay by further lying that Famous Actor has been indefinitely detained, maybe in quarantine, or we make it impossible for her to leave the shoot. 

Why I Write and Why This Movie Will Fail

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According to Jim II

It’s very difficult to explain Jim (our director) to anyone who’s never met him. Earlier this week, I found him scribbling on a piece of paper covered with letters and numbers. I thought it was some sort of QAnon conspiracy gibberish, but he said he was working on a science fiction television series. He plans to use the millions he’s “going” to get from this movie to fund it. 

I made the mistake of asking about it. He has no idea what it’s about, or who the characters will be, or anything that’s going to happen. He doesn’t even know  what it’s going to be called. His entire work on this project amounts to cooking up three season’s worth of episode titles, some of which, as you can see, are not even complete.

These are the first season’s episode titles:

S01E01 “Genesis”

S01E02 “The Second Coming”

S01E03 “The Road Not Taken”

S01E04 “Ship of Fools”

S01E05 “A Matter Of Honour”

S01E06 “The [Greek letter] Plan”

S01E07 “Full Circle”

S01E08 “Omen”

S01E09 “The Guardian of [Planet]”

S01E10 “Deus Ex Machina”

S01E11 “Part 1: A Family Matter”

S01E12 “Part 2: Home”

S01E13 “A Perfect Storm”

S01E14 “Reunion”

S01E15 “The [Greek god] Paradox”

S01E16 “An Eye For An Eye”

S01E17 “Flesh And Blood”

S01E18 “[Antagonist]’s Revenge" 

S01E19 "Birthright”

S01E20 “Descent”

S01E21 "Part 1: The Point of No Return"

S01E22 “Part 2: Endgame”

For the second season, and I’m not making this up, he is planning on becoming “more confident with the format”, so they could afford more light-hearted episodes. The two-parter finale should answer some questions the audience has been having (!) about why the captain (as yet unnamed) is such a jerk to everyone.

Here are the second season episode titles, faithfully transcribed:

S02E01 - “Exodus”

S02E02 - “A Pity Beyond Telling”

S02E03 - “What You Wish For”

S02E04 - “Final Solution”

S02E05 - “Silence and Darkness" 

S02E06 - "Bulletproof”

S02E07 - “Plague”

S02E08 - “Part 1: Siren’s Call”

S02E09 - “Part 2: Escape”

S02E10 - “[Antagonist]’s Last Chance”

S02E11 - “Catastrophe”

S02E12 - “Twelve”

S02E13 - “Caveat Emptor”

S02E14 - “How Do You Solve A Problem Like [Crew member]?”

S02E15 - “Trick or Treat”

S02E16 - “Alpha and Omega”

S02E17 - “Return to [Planet]”

S02E18 - “Power”

S02E19 - “The Last of the [Alien race]s”

S02E20 - “Are We There Yet?”

S02E21 - “Part 1: A Time To Live”

S02E22 - “Part 2: A Time To Die”

Season three, he assures me, opens five years after the end of season two, in the middle of an unexplained interplanetary war, with horrendous crimes and massacres being committed on both sides. He likes the idea of challenging the fans (!) with themes of loss, heartbreak, death and tragedy without weight them down with reams of exposition.

These are the episode titles for season three:

S03E01 “As I Lay Dying”

S03E02 “Some Of My Best Friends”

S03E03 “Surely You’re Joking, Mr. [Antagonist]!”

S03E04 “Part 1: The End Of The World”

S03E05 “Part 2: Big Bang”

S03E06 “Numbers”

S03E07 “The Early Bird”

S03E08 “Lux Fiat”

S03E09 “The Weakest Link”

S03E10 “The Death of Innocence”

S03E11 “Never The Twain”

S03E12 “Things Fall Apart”

S03E13 “Class War”

S03E14 “Something Better”

S03E15 “A Dangerous Thing”

S03E16 “Bigger, Faster, Stronger”

S03E17 “Call Of Duty”

S03E18 “Privilege”

S03E19 “No More Mr. Nice Guy”

S03E20 “Part 1: Going Down”

S03E21 “Part 2: Coming Up”

S03E22 “The Marriage of [Antagonist]”

This kind of thing happens all the time. Scraps of paper with lots of ideas, but no actual content. Everything is superficial. It’s like he thinks genius involves having an idea and getting someone else to do all the work. 

Why I Write and Why This Movie Will Fail

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According to Jim

Jim is very high-energy and I have no idea where it comes from. I’ve been his assistant for a long time and I have no reason to suspect that he does drugs of any kind. 

I’ve never even seen him have a beer but he comes across like he’s just come out of the bathroom at the coolest party after a Mötley Crüe gig. And he’s like this all the time.

He constantly fidgets. He can’t stand or sit still. He’ll move around in the chair, and if it’s bolted to the floor, he’ll kick it to a rhythm that only makes sense inside his head. If he’s standing, he’ll shuffle around from foot to foot, sometimes even doing a little spin. I’ve heard him hum a tune while other people are talking.

None of this matters unless you’re in a room with professionals in various fields and you need them to take you seriously. 

Why I Write and Why This Movie Will Fail

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Production Meeting III

Up until now, Jim has managed to keep the producers unconcerned about the impending disaster that they are funding. Some of them are getting restless about the complete lack of progress. Jim has been milking the “pandemic” line a little too hard. They want movement and they want answers.  

Somehow, throughout the meeting, without stating it directly, Jim has blamed the glacial progress on my tenure, even though I was nominally in charge for only two days and I was trying to carry out his instructions. 

The producers think of me as so low in the chain of command that it reflected worse on Jim than it did on me. They didn’t even suggest that I should be fired, and I’m holding a lot of Jim’s admin together, so I’m still here. 

That wasn’t anywhere near the most important take-away. The main source of funding has decided that he wants a name to carry the movie. A big name. This is a problem because, after the previous casting disaster, Jim loudly and firmly committed to using unknown talent. 

Back to the drawing board.

Why I Write and Why This Movie Will Fail

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Script Meeting III

There were lots of people at today’s Untitled Zombies vs. Vampires script meeting on zoom, including me, Bob the writer, a “script consultant” (that no one’s ever heard of before today but he seems like a good guy), a legal guy, an aggressive producer who has an expletive problem, a money guy (who calls himself a "line producer") and a guy whose sole function seems to be to translate between the money people and the creative people. 

Here is a representative sample from the three-hour panic disco:

Bob: “But they're too slow.”

Script consultant: "We need them to be more like the Danny Boyle zombies."

Legal Guy: "Jesus, we're not going to call them that in the literature are we?"

Three of us simultaneously: "No!"

Producer: "Does it fucking matter?"

Same three people: "Yes!"

Bob: "Also, we need to talk about problem alpha, that vampires don't give a shit about zombies."

Script consultant: "Yeah, especially if they’re slow. They don't run on blood, so the vampires would get neither thrill nor sustenance from hunting them.”

Producer: "Oh for fuck’s sake. It’s just a fucking movie. Like... they'd be competing for the same food source right? Humans?"

Script consultant: "Your people didn't order a resource competition movie. You wanted Zombies vs. Vampires! It's not going to be much of a Zombies vs. Vampires if all they're interested in is how to manage fairly mundane logistical issues, is it?"

Producer: "Wait. Who the fuck are you again?"

Script consultant: "Harry Potter and the Resource Competition"?

Producer: “...the fuck...”

Script consultant: “28 Spreadsheets Later”? 

Producer: “Well, you condescending little shit, whoever the fuck you are, how about Harry Potter and the Guy Who Pays For All This”?

Line Producer: “Within reason.”

Why I Write and Why This Movie Will Fail

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Hiatus IV

The movie is back in production. Jim has recovered from his - let’s be honest - mild cold and is keen to do something. I was going to say “direct again” but that would be incorrect on both counts.  

Because our movie has been re-conceptualised as Untitled Zombies vs. Vampires, all the previous shot footage and sets and locations have been scrapped. They're building new ones on a soundstage in a warehouse just outside Prague. 

The Czech Republic is definitely cost effective, but it would have been even cheaper to keep making the movie with the sets we had already had and the footage we had already shot. The labour in Czechia is industry-standard, and the buildings are a bit fire-hazardy, but nothing we can't work with. More irritating is that once the Czechs see a bunch of Westerners descending on their patch, the prices mysteriously spike on everything within a two-mile radius.

There is the added difficulty of arranging hundreds of flights to and from Prague, which is not in a green-list country, in the middle of a pandemic lockdown where people have been “strongly advised” to stay within their country, without incurring the wrath of the Department of Foreign Affairs and possibly other law enforcement agencies.  

This is not a trivial concern. Hopefully by the time they get around to actually shooting this thing in person, which might take months, the coronavirus situation will have calmed down a bit.

Anyway, we're on track again. Jim's back in charge, even if he can’t leave the house until early December. Lucky me. 

Lucky you.

Why I Write and Why This Movie Will Fail

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Casting III

I have received unofficial word (i.e no one is supposed to know but all the assistants have their own Whatsapp group) from the producers that the number of roles available for young attractive women has gone from four to ten. We will be expected to believe that this change is not related to the large number of young, pretty girls who turned up to the first day of casting and with whom Jim had quiet conversations outside the audition room.

Also, and I have no idea how this happened without anyone’s input, but this is now an Untitled Zombies vs. Vampires movie.

I need to be in the room when they tell Bob (the writer).

Why I Write and Why This Movie Will Fail

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Hiatus III

I think it's safe to go back home. The whole "Treehouse of Horror" thing has been dealt with. My lawyers assure me that for various reasons, they have no case. Their lawyers will either tell them now or later, depending on how venal they are. It won’t make a different to me one way or the other. I don't have to pay for anything, but I feel bad for any little girl who has awful parents like that. I'll buy her a new little house.

I’m happy to be going back. If I thought my life was crazy, my brother's life is worse. His girlfriend's mother called over today when I was alone. We talked about nothing for a while, and I made a passing whimsical reference to lesbians, and a look of horror came over her face. Then this happened:

"Do you know what they do?"

"I have an idea."

"No, really. Do you know what they... do?"

Oh no, I thought, I'm going to have to get into this whole thing about fisting and scissoring and dildos with a nice old lady. This is not how I wanted to spend my Tuesday morning.

"It's not something I really..."

"Tongues!"

Internally: Thank you Jesus!

Externally: "Ah, that. Yes. Terrible, isn't it?"

"That's not what tongues are for, you know. They’re not supposed to go there."

"So I hear."

"I would hate that."

"Yes, you probably would."

Why I Write and Why This Movie Will Fail

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Hiatus II

In a clear violation of coronavirus lockdown regulations, I'm staying at my brother's place while this whole treehouse thing blows over. My neighbours are crazy. The little girl is the sanest one in that family.

This morning, I noticed that there is no sound coming from the left speaker of my brother's stereo, so I tried to fix it by taking it apart. I left it switched on so I could hear if there was any sound coming out. 

I thought it would be safe enough, but I think I electrocuted his cat. She was prowling around the back and playing with wires and so on, and I heard a fizzle, and she just dropped. I rang his girlfriend and explained the whole thing, and asked her what I should do.

She said: "Buy a new stereo".

Why I Write and Why This Movie Will Fail

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Hiatus

Jim's symptoms got worse, although no one know whether or not this is related to his positive COVID diagnosis. He's in the hospital and he'll be there for some time. As this means he will be unable, even in theory, to direct anything, production has been put on hiatus until the start of December. We might get a few pickup jobs done here and there unofficially, but otherwise, we’ve all gone home. It’s looking like both Jim and the rest of Ireland will come out of lockdown at the same time.

Until production restarts or ideally, gets completely cancelled, I'll have to post about what I’m doing instead. Think of it as a fascinating peek into the daily life of a production assistant and aspiring screenwriter. If you're reading Untitled Zombie Movie for the hot movie stories, feel free to scroll past anything with Hiatus in the title.

My Life Outside Untitled Zombie Movie

I'm terrified of spiders. I always have been. And this is their time. When the heat of summer gives way to the rain and the cold, they do their worst damage, suddenly popping out of doorways or appearing in corners without ever drawing attention to themselves on what must have been something of a hike.

They're getting bigger, too. There was one in the garage this morning who looked like he’d been working out: eight pronounced muscles on eight hairy legs. He was staring at me from the jamb of the door, daring me to do something about his presence, daring me to challenge his hegemony in my garage!

Normally, this would be time for the vacuum, but he was stuck in an angle in the edge of the door. He probably had outflanking maneuvers practiced and emergency boltholes prepared. This could be a drawn out operation. Eventually I decided to squirt some lighter fuel and torch the bastard.

In my zeal to complete the mission, I may not have observed all safety precautions. The garage door took a bit of a hit. And the bushes outside. And the neighbor's bushes. And the little house thing right beside the bushes they built for their daughter.

There was no need to involve the police; they have better things to do with their time. Go catch some criminals, you fools! But no. They have a conversation with me. I mention that I'm a production assistant on a movie and they laugh.

"So in other words you're unemployed?"

Whatever. I was going to pay for the kid's house. I'm not a mean person. But while the police were making fun of me, the neighbours socially-distanced shouted at me that legal action will ensue. This has already gone too far. 

Why I Write and Why This Movie Will Fail

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Our Coronavirus Victim

Jim tested positive for COVID-19 a few days ago. I think he's milking it a bit. His symptoms are imperceptible, but he's been told to stay at home and self-isolate for two weeks. 

The last time I spoke to him he was hopped up on cough medicine and codeine and not making a lot of sense. He said he thought he was dying, and that his ex-wife should be the last to know. I’m still not convinced that he was ever married. He gave me a list of instructions over the phone some of which contradicted themselves.

None of that matters. The good news is that I'm now in charge, in loco parentis. It should really be the assistant director taking over, but Jim left very specific instructions. Probably because I manage to control my eye-rolling reflex, he trusts me with his "vision" for the project, something he's never been entirely clear on himself. This means I've been able to make some actual progress with the movie. 

After just a few days of Jim's absence, the costumes are heading in the right direction, the sets are being constructed, the locations are sorted out, the shooting schedule is on the board, and the establishing shots have already started. Everyone's pushing this thing forward. 

The only problem is the producers, the one group of guys you'd think would be delighted at the sudden downturn in Jim's fortunes. They have no confidence in me at all (despite, not to get too arrogant about it, consistently delivering on time and under budget), and keep asking to talk to Jim in his bed at home. 

I've been coasting on "What Jim really means is..." for a few days, but eventually that's going to wear thin. There's not much time to get some actual film stuff done. We are all dreading his return to work.

Why I Write and Why This Movie Will Fail

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Script Meeting II

The writer (Bob) is getting more impatient with Jim's complete lack of movement on every detail. I've seen directors and writers get stroppy over studio interference, or being forced to redo certain sections that just don't work, but usually it's a matter of sitting down with someone to talk it out, or the money people swoop in and dictate what happens. What I've never seen is someone get so completely blinkered about things that are completely irrelevant. 

This is how it goes: Bob tries to explain something to Jim; Jim doesn't get it and reflexively suggests an alternative; Bob correctly demonstrates why said suggestion would never work; Jim takes this as a personal insult and is now committed to fighting for something he just cooked up off the top of his head five seconds before as though it were a firmly-held conviction; Bob gets exasperated and asks other people at meeting for help, forgetting that we're all in the same boat - Jim's in charge. 

The end is always the same: a stupid ad hoc idea developed for the sake of arguing makes its way into the script and everything's changed.

Why I Write and Why This Movie Will Fail

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Casting II

Jim had a meeting today with a certain up-and-coming actress whose last movie did very well at the box office. I wasn't actually in the room, but I was right outside.

About a half hour ago, she charged out furiously, followed by her agent. Jim told me that her agent has blacklisted him for their entire client list. Thankfully, because of Jim's unique recruitment methods, this will not require much damage control on my part.

He claims he is "relieved" because he is now free of the heavy weight of responsibility he felt was on his shoulders to "make her look good". He is also now claiming that he feels she "brought too much" to the role, as audiences would identify with her previous character more than her role in Jim's movie.

He really is full of shit.

Why I Write and Why This Movie Will Fail

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Production Meeting II

Another production meeting. Of course, nothing was decided and no action was taken. Everything is being recorded on hand-written sheets of paper lacking in any sort of detail. 

The most interesting thing was an attempt at a complaint from the casting director that the audition list seems to be burgeoning at an alarming rate. Also, sometimes the only reference to someone was a first name and an occupation. 

The example he used was a scrap of paper someone gave him with nothing written on it except: "Miles, Dentist". He asked the (more reasonable than you might think) question of whether this referred to a man called Miles who was a dentist, or a man called Miles who was to audition for the part of a dentist with which the casting director was not made aware. 

The correct answer was that a part was going to be written especially for a friend of Jim’s called Miles, and that part would be a dentist. This was the first Bob (the writer) had heard of it. 

Why I Write and Why This Movie Will Fail

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Casting

The casting director, a very nice guy, and a member of the CSA, has been putting up with Jim's crap for weeks now. Jim has been pretty much pulling strings left, right and center with all sorts of people, promising them "a part in the movie". This means that the first round of auditions comprised 20% actual talent and 80% waiters, taxi drivers, gardeners, assorted service personnel and pretty young girls. 

God knows how the casting director managed it, but the only thing to go right so far is that everyone - even Jim's best friend, a real piece of work who has been convicted of sexual assault - has to go through an audition. The casting director deserves a lot of credit for making it look like it was Jim's idea all along. It's the only way to get anything done.

Why I Write and Why This Movie Will Fail

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Script Meeting

The guy who wrote this movie, let’s call him “Bob”, is like a pop culture machine. He looks like a cross between a lumberjack and a hippy, but he knows everything. He's seen all the zombie movies, read all the comics, and he knows the most trivial details about how they were made. I don't know where he finds the time to be so well-informed about these things. 

His script is pretty sharp, funny without being stupid and zips along without much dead time. As you can tell, I like Bob. He doesn't like me at all, though, because part of my job is transmitting information to him from Jim, information that I have to pretend makes sense, or seems like a good idea. If I explained to him how I really feel, it might get back to the Politburo and I'd be fired. I need this job. It's a real shame because I honestly think I would like this guy if we weren't stuck on this stupid project with a moron for a director.

I wasn't in the room for the first script meeting, but I arrived just in time to hear Jim shouting. It was like that scene from Der Untergang that everyone put funny subtitles on: a small group of worried people waiting for the news from the fascist dictator. When they were released, Bob threw me a look which made me realise that we could never be friends.