unspeakablesthe

[unspeakablesthe]

The closest death to Logan would be my siblings. I WANT HIM BACK SO BAD. I don’t even think we could be I a relationship, I just want Logan back. I want him to be my friend. My best friends FUCK!!!!!! I miss you so much please come back. Please. J know you’re okay so it’s okay but I miss you so much.

[unspeakablesthe]

I will never love anyone as much as Logan. He was my soul mate. I don’t even believe in those. But I wish I could go back so bad. I would take all of my hurt again. I would really-do everything to be with him. I miss him so much. Logan I love you. Nothing will ever bring you back. I think of July EVERY SINGLE TIME I DRINK BECAUSE I LOVE YOU AND I MISS YOU. Please don’t leave me. I beg you every day. Please don’t leave me.

[unspeakablesthe]

Make Me Proud

I had to get up early today to see the surgeon on call at St.Paul’s, Dr.Carolyn DuVal for my 2nd & 3rd degree burns on my right hand. When I was getting in my car to warm it up, I remembered it was November 11.

The next thought I had was of was waking up at Ash’s house 11 years ago. Finding his laptop and journals. Ugh. I pushed the thought out of my head.

Hours later, I’m sitting on my couch. Feeling good as the surgeon confirmed my hand is healing well and no longer needs to be covered. Amazing. Very happy.

Listening to music on the sound bar and decide to look at my “Time Capsule” playlist on Spotify. I see Make Me Proud - Drake ft. Nicky Minaj and consider listening to it for what felt like the millionth time until I realized it was November 11.

I had to work on November 11th eleven years ago. Before I went to work I had to get ready and I was devastated with what I’d found on Ash’s laptop. I’d never actually considered harming an animal until then, I was going to say I miss Kip - but I don’t, I just like his name.

Listening to Make Me Proud 11 years later, on 11/11 and seeing where I am now makes me so happy. Even with my fucked up hand I feel so happy. My life could not be more different than it was at that time.

I have my own home and car. I’m sober. Have a good job. Help take care of my family. I am proud of myself.

[unspeakablesthe]

It’s been a while.

Fuck my parents!

[unspeakablesthe]

how we act alone when we don’t feel like we have witnesses.. that is the genuine self.. me walking around my room punching the air talking to myself in a bad southern accent, that’s ME baby. you’re never going to know me like i know me. haha.

[unspeakablesthe]

“what are we doing?”

[unspeakablesthe]

I just want a friend that I can call up and say

“Hey, wanna come over and do a couple lines while we clean my house?”

[unspeakablesthe]

“At fifteen you had the radiance of early morning, at twenty you will begin to have the melancholy brilliance of the moon.”

— F. Scott Fitzgerald, This Side of Paradise 

[unspeakablesthe]

All I have to say is when you start being bad, don't stop.

[unspeakablesthe]

You know that movie with Linsday Lohan where she’s so lucky and then he kisses a boy and they switch so now her life sucks?

That’s exactly what happened to us.

No, I wasn’t super lucky but for whatever reason I was able to survive my depression and continue on with life, enough to meet you anyways.

You, on the other hand, had an incredible life on the internet but almost nothing in YOUR life. Even when you went out, you were the watcher.

After we met/shared experiences/dated/shared more/broke up we were half and half still the same.

You started doing things, but would pull back when things got too uncomfortable. Myself, I went all out and jumped completely into a social life.

After we got “back together” for a couple months, we weren’t on the same level anymore.

Once we “broke up” again, your life turned amazing and mine constantly turned worse.

Now things are looking up.

I just had the most ridiculous realization.

After we broke up, you made the decision to move across the country to get away from everyone, including me for whatever dumb reason.

Before you left, you wanted me to come. But we both fucked up, and it made me move even farther away from you than you were already going.

Maybe we can be together some day. Probably not.

I’m rambling.

[unspeakablesthe]

She ain't a killer, but she'll fucking blow your head off.

One night, on our way back to my house, I remember being very hot and bothered. At this point, we had begun to explore each other sexually and it was great, but I had noticed you weren’t nearly as adventurous as I.

Now, you had told me you had had sex once, maybe twice but it was back in high school and we were already two or three years away from that. It had been a while, to say the least and you were, ahem, a little rusty. But, as we were a few months into friends-with-benefits and a month or so into an actual relationship; we had both gotten fairly (you) or highly (me) comfortable in the bedroom.

So, with all this information pulsating from my head, to my toes and back up to my centre of attention; I thought it would be fun to try something different.

We began the night at your house, making our way from the couch, to half naked and then up to your room. Were your roommates home, you wondered; I don’t care, I thought as I pushed you onto the bed. The light was still on but I didn’t really mind, that is, until I noticed it was already 11:00pm.

I had to work at 10:00am the next morning and we had to break it off now before we lost control and night turned to day.

My heart broke as I pulled away and our unfinished business hung in the air like smoke. When I wondered if you might come over, you offered to come over. Always the same, our brains were one. Were.

We got ready quickly, hoping the heat pulsating between us might keep our bodies warm before the cold of the winter night could sink in. If not, your remote starter would do the trick.

I felt proud of myself, as we rolled to a stop at a busy intersection, for keeping my hands to myself for so long (12 minutes). I began thinking of adventures for us to go on and suddenly, it came to me.

"I would like to have some fun but I’m not sure we should as you might crash while you, um…" Okay, I’m adventurous, but definitely not a Shakespeare. It was quiet for a moment, and as I nervously felt rejected, you quietly said "I won’t crash." And with that, I melted.

As my heart exploded, my sex meter was going out of control. We had our fun and it was one of the hottest, sexiest, most fulfilling times I’ve ever had, not because of the time, place or situation but the anticipation and pure adoration I felt for you. Felt.

There’s nothing I’m trying to explain with this post, no cryptic meaning or huge epiphany.

Just me, myself and my memories.

[unspeakablesthe]

Time.

It’s been nearly two years since I first noticed you It’s been one year, nine months since our first kiss It’s been almost one year since we broke up It’s been eight months since you came back and another six since you left for good I feel terrible writing these stupid blogs but it’s always on my mind. Time.

[unspeakablesthe]

Time.

It’s been nearly two years since I first noticed you It’s been one year, nine months since our first kiss It’s been almost one year since we broke up It’s been eight months since you came back and another six since you left for good I feel terrible writing these stupid blogs but it’s always on my mind. Time.

[unspeakablesthe]

I miss you 

Every goddamn day, so in love with you it makes me sick

Makes me want to die

Makes me want to leave

Makes me want to run

I hate you for that

I constantly and consistently look back to us 

Fuck me

I hate it all

I wish I never met you

[unspeakablesthe]

I've been smoking so much pot and been so lazy I don't want to get up

and do anything

go anywhere

depressed

sad

getting fat

gross

death

[unspeakablesthe]

You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

I miss you so much

Of course I can't move to the where you are

I need to find something else in my life I enjoy

Besides you...

[unspeakablesthe]

I have been thinking about you a lot 

letting thoughts flow in and out of my head

I need to stop repeating your name

Stop telling stories that relate to other people because you are involved

Try to remember my life without it

Without you

You are just such a recent memory

And we did everything together

I find it hard not to think of you, and us 

Maybe not even in a sad way, or at least not all the time

I don't know how to think anymore and I'm getting sloppy at living 

/sigh