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2019

A friend of mine asked me earlier, “Nasaan na ang year-end essay mo? [Where is your year-end essay?]” She meant it as a joke, of course, as I had been doing it almost every 31st of December but I still hadn’t posted anything. I wasn’t really planning to write it this year, but when I finally decided to do it—

Nothing. I didn’t know what to write. I don’t even know why I kept on writing this, but I might as well finish what I started. I turned to my Memories on Facebook for inspiration.

I first posted something about the new year back in 2013. It was a selfie taken with my very first smartphone, and the caption was a statement of hope and excitement for the next year. To be honest, I don’t feel the same enthusiasm as I did back then. The fear of uncertainty has long been lurking in my head and it’s prevailing now more than ever, so I think I’ll scrap that.

“Two thousand fifteen,” I opened my year-end message that year. “…one of the things that I’ve learned is that we should accept the fact that we can’t really please everybody.” Yeah, I totally learned the concept of not giving a f*ck about what other people would say, but have I learned to apply that concept? I don’t think so—not fully, at least. I ended it by asking those who had read it to tell me anything that they had been wanting to tell me, “may it be positive, negative, or whatsoever”. It was a proud display of my surname, and it was a declaration that I wanted to change the way I feel about confrontations. Maybe I’m not as brave as I thought—I still hate confrontations, so I think I won’t do that, too.

I then scrolled up to 2016, the year when I started to use the expressions “rainbows and butterflies” and “roller coaster rides” on the things that I write. My year-end posts that year were a combination of my posts one and three years prior: asking people to message me something that they had always wanted to tell me and hoping for the next year to be a better one. Well, that was helpful.

I went to Twitter and I saw a tweet that pretty much summarizes my entire year. “[The] first [and] second half of 2019 felt like [two] different years,” they said, and it did feel like that. The first half was surreal. I was in a state of euphoria—thrill and exhilaration flooded my brain like I was skydiving. I thought that nothing could go wrong. Then, fears and doubts poked holes into my parachute, and the experience became a terrifying one. There were no safety nets to prevent me from hitting the ground.

Thud.

That’s how the second half of my 2019 started. Days and nights of pain and tears followed that fall. I always wore a mask to hide the sadness in my eyes. My broken pieces even hurt those who tried to touch them. One day, I decided to collect my shattered parts and to start rebuilding myself, one tiny piece at a time. From there, it has been a long and tiring climb to the next peak. It is still far ahead but I think I can manage. I’m slowly getting there.

I guess I’ll stop hoping for the next year to be a better one. Instead, I’m hoping that I, and anyone reading this, too, will have the strength to overcome the challenges that the year ahead will bring. I admit, I’m still afraid of what could happen in the future, but if we work hard to be a better person, then any year would be better than the last, wouldn’t it? We won’t need any safety nets when we jump from a certain peak anymore because we will have become wiser then.

We can just spread our wings and fly.

Happy new year!

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It’s truly astounding how one could go from ‘I want you to love all my sides’ to ‘I have no intention to talk to you’ in such a short span of time.

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Imagine having to pretend to be someone you are not just to get the love that you want—the love that you think you deserve. It must be tiring, no?

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Chasing

Have you ever felt like you've always been chasing something— a person, an event, an object— but you just don't know what it is? Happiness, maybe? The love of your life? Time itself? Once you become aware of this feeling, you immediately get tired of everything. You just want to drop things and run away, far from everything you've known. You even ask yourself questions that are almost impossible to answer. What do I do? Where do I go? Whom do I reach out to? You suddenly hear the silence and see the dark. "No one's coming to get you," says a tiny voice in your head. "You're all alone now." You feel like a paper drifting in the wind, wandering the darkness. You feel like a lost child in a sea of strangers. You feel like the only rose in a garden of weeds, slowly sucking the life out of your soul. If you're ever tired of chasing something, will you stop? If you look back, will you see the steps you took? If you stare at the moon in the night sky, will tears fall from your eyes? Sometimes, I wish things were easier so everything would just go by smoothly, but if they were easy, would I ever be strong? I don't know. Words are really just flooding out of my mind right now. I'm not even sure if the text above made any sense at all. One thing's for sure, though: everything is going to be all right. I just have to close my eyes and rest awhile so I could keep chasing that something. However, deep inside, I just wish that somebody would chase after me, too.

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The Art and the Artist

Every art is unique—each piece inspired by different things, people, or circumstances perceived differently by different artists—and just like an artist, a work of art is forever flawed as perfection is nonexistent in humanity’s limited capacities. Besides, we all have our own ideas and thoughts on how everything should be so it is impossible for an art to be perfect—and it really is not supposed to. Art is an expression of the artist: their desires, their frustrations, their image of themselves and their surroundings, their values and personality; like how a work of art mirrors its artist’s qualities, art captures the artist’s identity.

However, this mirror can be shattered in a matter of seconds—as easy as shifting the colors of a painting, or altering the sounds of a song, or removing the rhymes of a poem—and along with the pieces breaking off from one another, the crystal of the artist’s soul bursts into nothingness. With every display of art comes the artist’s risk of losing a part of their self. After all, art is the artist’s vulnerability in physical form.

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You know what? I wanted to hate you--things would be a lot easier if I did--but the thing is, I couldn't. I can't.

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Match.

Eleven days through the month of September, A message came from a fire, I remember: "Long ago, the four nations lived together In harmony," I read amidst the flicker.

A day has passed before I was able to Reply with the words that Katara held true-- "Everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked," I said automatically, smile intact.

With a tap of a finger, I heard you speak; For what seemed like hours, we talked like a geek-- Sharing stories, singing songs, laughing out loud, Like we are all alone, away from the crowd.

In a lot of ways, we are on the same ground; In an ocean of songs and notes, we both drown. Funny how they say that fires burn bridges down 'Cause with a tinder's flame, it was you I found.

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They say that in the darkest of nights, the stars will come shining through, but from where I am right now, even the stars are nowhere to be found.

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Happiness.

Whenever we see people laughing, smiling, or just being their happy selves, we can’t help but be happy as well. I guess that’s our nature as social animals, as human beings. However, there are times that when I see happy people, I feel their joy and then feel sadness. In fact, sadness seems to be lurking around me and attacks at the most random moments.

And at these random moments, my heart feels like it’s breaking. Every. Single. Time.

Then, I ask myself this question: Why am I not happy like them?

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What have you done to me?

Bakit kapag nakikita kita, ang sakit? Actually, kahit nga hindi ikaw mismo eh. Kahit yung picture mo lang o kahit nga pangalan mo lang eh. Kahit nga yung amoy ng pabango mo na naamoy ko na lang bigla; yung favorite song mo na bigla ko na lang maririnig sa radyo; yung pagkain na madalas mong bilhin, tapos hindi ko namalayan na binili ko na rin pala; yung mga lugar kung saan kita madalas nakikita noon. Kahit anong ma-sense ng isa sa five senses ko, basta may kinalaman sa’yo, ang sakit.

Gusto kong sumigaw.

Gusto kong umiyak.

Gusto ko nang makalimutan ang lahat ng mga nangyari sa nakalipas. Kaya lang, paano?

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They never did.

You know, sometimes, the real reason why we push people away is because we really want them to be stubborn and stay beside us; sometimes, the reason why we walk away is because we want someone to grab our arms and say that they don't want us to leave.

The sad thing is that I can't remember a time when these actually happened to me. They never did.

I pushed people away. They left me alone. I waited for them to come back. They never did.

I walked away. They let me go. I waited for them to get me back. Again, they never did.

This makes me think that people are just tolerating me and that they don't really want or even need me in their lives. It makes me think that I am of no significance in this world -- that if I disappear all of a sudden, no one would actually care and worry about me.

Whenever I remember moments of laughter with these people, a part of me is saying, "Hey, maybe they really enjoy my company."

Then, the other part laughs at me.

"Haha! You're only fooling yourself. They. Never. Did."

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A greeting.

"A, you're adorable," a child started to sing But upon hearing those words, I thought of something There are still many others A could be meaning Let me list some examples; here's the beginning:

A is for an apple keeping doctors away Said to be helpful in keeping sickness at bay But if you were my doctor, this thing I will say: I'd never eat an apple just to make you stay

A is acceleration -- force over the mass Now I am talking like we're in a Physics class But in front of you, I would be speechless; alas! Silence would be so loud, it could even break glass

A's for that amazing feeling when I'm with you A feeling of happiness; you don't have a clue When I see that you're sad, I suddenly feel blue These feelings I have for you, believe me, they're true

A for alpha, the Genesis, the dawn, the start A for your name I'm thinking of for the most part Above all these, this is what I want to impart: "Happy birthday to you!" -- a message from my heart

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Whats are the things that you really want to know; Ifs are the doubts that you have for tomorrow. Combine these two and you’ll come up with a phrase – Reminder of the past you want to erase.

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A Curve of Happiness

Among an ocean of conscious beings Nobody possesses a smile like yours Glowing, dazzling, an expression of glee Enchanting, charming, a spellbinding force

Looking at you, my heart is in a race On a course of feelings and emotions Daunting but captivating are your eyes -- Eyes that are filled with love and devotion

Red are the lips that move when you're talking Exhibiting smiles, images of bliss Kept in my mind are these moments of joy Longing and dreaming for that special kiss

In mere words, I tried my best to describe My thoughts about you and my feelings, too Pretending not to care but the truth is Oh, harder, deeper, I've fallen for you!

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Chase your dreams, not the people who obviously don't care about you.

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Drifting away.

The sad thing about people drifting away from us is that we'll never notice it until they've drifted away so far that we couldn't reach them anymore and that just sucks. Sometimes, I wish I'd realized that sooner so I could patch things up and make them stay, but other times, I just tell myself that if they really wanted to stay, they would. I guess they didn't want to and, again, that just sucks.

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You know, sometimes, I feel like I'm drowning and no one seems to come and rescue me. Other times, I feel like I'm locked up in a room without windows or doors and the air seems to leave me there to be swallowed by the darkness.