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All I want for Christmas is a fucking break.

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A doctor’s angry letter to United Healthcare after they denied covering his patient’s nausea medication needed after his chemo.

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Pro tip! If someone ever says they would fuck their own clone, you can make the conversation different by saying you'd also fuck their clone.

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My one friend group can't stop saying, "See you in hell!" in a cheerful voice instead of, "Talk to you later!" and my other friend group can't stop calling things "penis" instead of "cool" or "good", so I just unironically uttered the phrase, "Sounds penis, see you in hell," as I got off the phone.

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I made this same joke in my head with Sonic but Crash Bandicoot is the superior joke.

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my son who i hate

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My tattoo artist told me his teenage son came out to him as trans by giving him a bunch of blue cupcakes and a greeting card that said "it's a boy!"

"That's cute," I said.

"It was NOT cute!" he snapped. "I thought he was pregnant."

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nople dople

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Before hooking up with someone tell them “i’m… kinda weird down there. Like… you know in a lord of the rings type of way” and then refuse to elaborate

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I can’t make pasta any more without mumbling to myself, “wet the drys… then dry the wets…”

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oh shit we got december tomorrow…

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has anyone noticed that working for a living sucks ass

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hey guys i'm going to the store can u make sure nothing happens to my chocolate milk

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Hey, no homo, but I am sitting on the broken swing set out back in the perfect, quiet, 2:00am blackness and picturing the softness of your voice and the darkness of your eyes with such perfect and terrible clarity that it feels like I'm choking on my own heartbeat.