unholymeandi - Tumblr blog

[unholymeandi]

december 17th

hello hello again,

i don't really know why i decided that today is the day i'm gonna come here to type an entry but here we are. life is.... well it is. i don't really know how to adress myself properly but here we go. i still don't have a job wich means i am still living at home... wich is not that great all the time. don't get me wrong i love my mum but sometimes i really wish i could like strang*e her. i guess if you're a 24yo child you can't have expectations. you just gotta take it how it is. i quit my job because my mental health was so shit and i literally wanted to kms. and i thought once i was done with that it would get better. fast forward three months and i am on a new all time low. mental health is just great isn't it. anyway i actually have to go....

[unholymeandi]

november 7th, 2021

hello again,

here we are again, tea ready and music on. i'm ready to pour out my feelings to the wide world of the internet.. or am i? probably not. this week was challenging. i feel like the world is constantly crashing down around me and i don't really know how to deal with any of it anymore. sometimes i wonder where the old me has gone.. the person who could smile and laugh and genuinely mean it. i just feel lost. it is kinda hard to describe cause at the end of the day i don't really know what is going on. my whole entire existence is just a mess. i have no real purpose. how do people feel who have their life figured out? my mum asked me today when i'll get a job again and honestly i don't know cause most days i can't even make it out of bed. and no one in my family really get's is cause for them mental illness isn't a real thing and they just keep saying i need to get over it and maybe i do just need to get over it. sigh it's all just so annoying.

[unholymeandi]

october 28th 2021

hello again,

it has certainly been a while. a few years. i don’t know why i made this blog and the abandoned it but i guess we are giving it another shot. i tried journaling for a while but i just hate my handwriting so much that i only write like once a month. and this is supposed to be good for people and i really wanna work on myself you know. life is just a mess and my life is the biggest mess you could possibly imagine. i’m just so fucking lonely all the time. i don’t want to be the person who is alone all the time but i just feel like that is all i’m supposed to be. and it’s honestly annoying me so much. but also i just know that it won’t change cause i am probably not gonna change, i say i want to change but does a person ever change? i dont know. probably not. just micro changes but fundamentally you stay the same. this scares me cause my fundament is so messed up ans broken i dont know how to be? 

oh well this is jolly isn’t it. i am truly heading straight for the breakdown. sexuality is another mess in my life. i hate men istg i hate men so much why am i attracted to men. i shouldn’t be. i also love women but i wouldn’t go as far as to say i’m a lesbian. i am just a mess. again. i don’t want to label myself but then again the term unlabeled has become such a label to the point where it makes me uncomfortable. URG what is wrong with me?! 

okok i’m breaking this off here. this is a breakdown for another day.

until then... 

[unholymeandi]

So here I am, don’t really know What this is going to be. As I’m just doing this for myself I hope no one will ever read this and I especially hope none of my friends will find this. I actually don’t think any of my friends are on tumblr but you never know what happens. So I tried loads of diary type shit before and it never worked out but I like documenting things and feelings and whatever. I used to do this in a more traditional whay on paper but that stopped working for me like 6 years ago. Who uses paper anymore? I don’t. So anyway this is my second tumblr. My real one is a secret filled with lots of fandom stuff plus a few things not even my mum knows about me. I guess as my first entry goes this wasn’t so bad, gonna start the real writing tomorrow I think. Or I guess whenever i find the time.