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Integration Post

I failed SocSci11 last year. Hence, why I am retaking it this year in a class that I am not familiar with. Truthfully, it made me really uncomfortable. To be stuck in a class that seemed to judge me for being a second year in a room full of first years. This strongly reminds me of our discussion of habitus, as we come from different fields—different years, different courses, different social circles. As such, it’s no surprise that moving across different fields has caused me some sort of internal conflict and a loss in agency. I was afraid that I would have failed this course all over again. However, I guess, I was able to pull through by recognizing my priorities and my capabilities. Moving onto this semester, I appreciated SocSci11 much more, and interestingly, this time, I was able to use my knowledge in the improvement of my mental health. It’s actually funny how my psychiatrist also uses concepts that I’ve gotten familiar with due to this SocSci11 class, like the topic on emotion regulation where I found out that it’s okay to be sad, or more specifically, to not be happy. Increasing Positive Affect by Fredrickson made me realize to develop a better mindset and to be thankful for the blessings that I would receive day to day I also became more aware of the roles that I play on various stages, and decided that it would be best if I were more sincere in my actions to reflect the actual reality of which is myself. One of the activities that we had that made me more conscious about myself was the assignment wherein we had to interview a friend and have them write down stuff of how they know me as. I asked my friend Fio to do it for me and the result was really eye-opening. I actually did not expect that he would say those stuff about me and that was very interesting. 

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Online and Offline Identities

Sometimes we are hit with the reality that our pictures online do not necessarily reflect on the actual reality that we have. 

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Binhi Experience

One of the things that came to my mind upon the fact that I had to take Binhi again was that it was such a hassle to do. Of the different (more important) things that I could be doing, I would (once again) have to spend it on another immersion. With this, I begrudgingly arrived at school at 7:00 in the morning with a kilo of rice and a can of corned beef in my bag. Tired from academic load and the lack of sleep, I dozed off on our way to the area. Going through the motions, I began to feel nervous. What do I do? What do I say? How do I go about the entire day with people who I do not know? It was already stressful enough that I, an upperclassman, was placed in a group of people who were closer to each other, who knew each other, who were a year level lower. To an extent, it triggered my anxieties but I was able to pull through out of it. Kakayanin, I thought to myself. I was partnered up with Bea Balatbat— a friend I made in SocSci class due to our sticking-out-like-a-sore-thumb situation (she, a transferee and I, a second year student retaking this course) – which made me more comfortable since it was someone who I was already able to develop a connection with. Our partner nanay ended up being the one of the leading women in the area. Because of this, we were able to take a peek at the other households, doing rounds with our nanay as she checked on the other groups. We were able to meet her husband, a welder, and her children who were all studying in the nearby school which was 20 minutes away if one were to only walk. We heard her stories, cooked food with her, and integrated ourselves as part of the community to the point that my earlier dispositions totally faded away. I was in awe at her strength and determination: a mother who has made a lot of sacrifices for herself and her family.

I grew up in privilege to an extent, exposed to both riches and poverty that I choose not to expound on. I made sacrifices yet too miniscule to compare to what she had to let go. For instance, she left her parents early at the age of 17 to run away from a complicated situation and started a new life of her own. It made me wonder “How are people able to make rash decisions, and leave a life of much comfort for a life filled with more difficulty and labor?” I grew up tied to my family, such that whatever drama that would stir up would have to be sucked up and contained within the family. She, on the other hand, ran away without a word. I couldn’t help but wonder what went through her mind. I guess, the lack of comprehension is due to a different world trying to understand another.

Going back to Ateneo, it made me reflect on the different things that life had to offer for different people. How everyone makes sacrifices big and small, but still sacrifices nevertheless to get where they are now. I did not regret going to this immersion as I had thought. In fact, I felt more empowered knowing that I have my own story to tell about myself, as she has told me hers.

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Caring for the Self

I know that it is pretty late, but because of time constraints I was only able to find time to do this now. In light of the on-going hell season, I thought it would be nice to utilize this activity for my friends who weren’t going through the best of times.  Things haven’t been going well recently for a lot of people, so reminding them of their strengths and their capabilities of overcoming hardship is a breath of fresh air. These are my friends Gabbi and Renzie during one of our study sessions, having a hard time coping with their requirements and incoming tests.

 I decided to surprise them with small notes of positivity to shed some light in the midst of a really tense season. They appreciated it so much that Gabbi kept the note in her phone case while Renzie kept it in his folder. Seeing that they appreciated my small action made me feel touched and appreciated as well, that me caring for them made a significant change in their current state of stress. That doing a small act of kindness makes a huge difference for a lot of people. That by spreading positivity, one gets positively affected too. This reminded me to not forget to try to stay positive; to affirm yourself in times of tremendous stress in order to ground oneself and not be swayed by negativity. Let’s keep going!

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Socialization & the Self

I had my friend Fio do this activity with me. 

This is what I wrote about what I thought he would write about me: 

“I assume that Fio might think that I am a fun person to hang around with. He may think that I am easy to talk to and enjoyable to be with. I think he may consider me to be a clingy person who likes hugs a lot. I am also a great friend.”

However this is what he wrote about me:

“What kind of person is Patti? In the beginning, our first interaction was one of awkwardness and apprehension, mostly due on my part, however, after subsequent reflection and meetings with this person, i have ascertained one thing, that this person is the type that is head-strong, confident, and possesses great conviction. Initially, because she contrasts with my more meek and soft nature, i was intimidated and such, found her intimidating, however i realized that she and i were more alike than i originally thought. Of course, it was apparent that this person has also shown a willingness to interact with different and strange individuals and displayed her fluency in the act of socialization, but another aspect i did not quite expect is that of her soft and vulnerable nature. It has become apparent to me, after a few more interactions with this person, that she is damaged, as if she has undergone intense hardship that was unknown to her common peers and, at the time, to I as well. Given her damaged and battle-worn nature, she has shown the capacity of great empathy and willingness to show affection, making it known to me that the same was not given to her in the past. Though she is capable of understanding and great care, there are those times of impulsivity that washes over her. At times she may be quick to judge and quick to react, especially when she fails to grasp the import of the scenario or the context of the individual she interacts with. She also shows quirkiness in ways that at times feel greatly endearing, and other times when it comes off as simply strange. To cap off her weird and zany side, she also showed her mature nature and made clear to me that she is no prude, girl-next-door type of person. More than a few times, i also observed that she does not like to lose in certain bets, more than a couple times i have witnessed my victory in certain agreements, only for her to dismiss and ultimately, the agreement will not be honored. This, however, is not necessarily a bad trait, as by self-admission, she is a brat and brats need to be tamed like a disobedient society beckons for a strong-willed leader. Despite all of her observable flaws, her endearing qualities and her stellar capacity to be virtuous easily outweigh the minor nitpicks. Overall, she possesses a good personality, a mix of endearing qualities and great authenticity, undercut by minor gripes that affirm said authenticity, balanced by quirkiness and eccentricities that brings in her own brand of flavor to her personality, akin to a spicy salmon sushi topped with crunchy, uh, stuff. Her greatest downfall is her choice in men, most specifically, LuWucas. 9/10, would order sushi again.”

Short to say, I did not expect that he would write this. As I am writing this right now, I am in a mixture of amusement and surprise over what he wrote about me. If I were to compare and contrast our outputs, I would say that mine was a mere understatement. 

I’ve been always afraid of how people viewed me. Maybe because of the experiences that I’ve had in the past. This caused me to make assumptions on what people think of me, instead of figuring out what people actually thought of me. This is actually an enlightening experience which makes me further realize that it is okay not to be perfectly “nice” or perfectly “good”. Understanding what is beyond the looking glass makes me more accepting of who I am and the kinds of generalizations that people make of me while continuing on to further improve myself in terms of character. 

Fio’s observations is one perception out of a hundred more from those who know me. All these begin to define the person I am as what the looking self dictates. But I will continue to aspire to be more than that, going against people’s expectations. 

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Three things that I am grateful for today

1) Even if I forgot that Talab sign ups were this week, I was blessed to be able to have my sign ups today-- the same day I recalled to sign up

2) I’m grateful I got brought to school today instead of commuting

3) I’m grateful for my friends for being huge support groups

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Infographic of my basic emotions

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Hybrid Identity

After 300+ years of Spanish colonization and 48 years of American occupation, it is undeniable as it is, to infer that most, if not all, of the Filipino have a lot of experience when it comes to the effects of globalization in their culture. However, the colonial mentality developed through the years among many have not yet marred the quality of some of the beliefs, values, and traditions that Filipino families tend to uphold. Rather than eradicating it, cultures have began to merge, forming hybrid identities. 

As a young Filipino, I am very much a result of the blend of merging international and local cultures, due and propagated by the ever rising trend of media, especially that of social. From my upbringing at home to my interactions with people and the things around me, the hybrid nature in my identity becomes evident in comparison to what has been traditionally accepted by the local culture. 

While growing up, I used to not listen to any OPM at all. Partly because I did not speak Filipino well, while the other was because it was simply not being played often at home. In the meantime, I grew up surrounded by people who enjoyed various kinds of other music from the West. Classics like Bach and Mozart to pop rock like Paramore and Fall out Boy filled my preteens. In 9th grade, I began my k-pop phase and my exposure to this kind of music not only broadened my preferences but also gave me a different view of Asian pop culture. I began to appreciate this kind of variety but I also felt as though I needed to go back to my roots, to go back and try something that Ive thought would be less comfortable or familiar which was OPM. Since then, I’ve fallen in love with some of the music that Filipino pop culture had to offer. From Bach to Ben&Ben, my preferences in music became hybrid in nature. Clearly mutually exclusive from each other, yet complementary in a sense that they form part of my identity as a Filipino. Not only does this apply to music, but as well as food preferences where my love for sushi and dumplings could not compare to how Filipino food always has a special place in my heart. This also applies to language where I’ve been exposed to speaking both English and Filipino at home, Spanish and Bicolano from my mom, a bit of Chinese from some of my friends, and Russian from the Foreign Language Class I took in my first year in college.

As a Filipino Catholic, some global beliefs I have may seem to clash with the local notion of Catholic beliefs. For example, my advocacy for gender equality for the LGBTQA+. Controversially, they seem to go against each other. However, I would like to believe that as an educated Filipino Catholic, the message of loving and respecting your neighbor, and God being the only one who could judge should be taken into account. At some point because of this, they coincide. To put it simply, the teachings I use under the Catholic Church is what I utilize to guide me to make proper decisions in the advocacies I choose to push through with. 

My global beliefs regarding sex education and female empowerment are however, challenged by the local conservative and patriarchal system in the Philippines. However, it is from this conservative nature wherein I also get my traditionalist views on romance wherein I believe men should be the ones make their advances when it comes to courting or “ligaw”.

The various belief systems, cultural perceptions, and preferences that may or may not clash with each other but somehow are able to get together continue to develop as years pass and as globalization continues to emphasize itself in modern society today. However, as I continue on living where I am at the moment, these experiences and wisdom continue to form and be part of my hybrid identity.   

Paintings by Belin