undercoverinparadise - Tumblr blog

[undercoverinparadise]

HELP WHY IS DEMO WHITER THAN MY SUN-DEPRIVED NATIVE ASS 😭

still cute though so I’ll take it ig💅

If mercenaries have their own IG account…🤔

[undercoverinparadise]

The L Word (gasp)

I often ponder the moral implications of using one person to get over another. It's bad, I agree. That being said, if a smoker admitted that smoking is bad and they wanted to quit nobody would bat an eye if they struggle.

Similarly, I just can't get him out of my mind. It's wrong. Totally wrong. I know I should be upset because of how it would affect me but my only objection is that it'll never happen... again. It's not that there's nothing for this other guy, it's just that I think of him how I used to think of everybody else. Not very much.

But the guy I'm getting over is putting up a good fight. I just can't get him out of my mind. It's terrible, really. I want to apologize. I want to make him angry. I want to get it off my chest and ruin us again or just ruin me. It's so juvenile, right?

I (would) drop everything for him.

If I miss a message I cry. If he's online I'm online, waiting. If he want's me I want him too. I'm obsessed with him. Utterly, totally. To a degree I began to worry. It was a manic sort of feeling and it controlled every aspect of my life. It prevents me from moving on.

I've told people about him. Again. I'm lying though, I say he's somebody new. Everybody thinks I should do it, tell him, and move on. They're happy and they say "anybody was better than that guy."

It is that guy, dumbass. It's always been that guy.

The L word. I'm feeling it. Limerence.

It's debilitating. I think of him, I fantasize about him. It's been getting better since I started talking about it; since I started lying about him and it starting feeling more plausible and dare I say acceptable? I've been hyperfocused on a connection that isn't there and obsessing non-stop.

Not that I'm a total freak. I think about him when I masturbate. Okay? I think about him holding me if I have trouble sleeping. Sometimes when I need somebody to talk to I wish I could talk to him again. Not that I can't but I let him message me first, now. Though, we'll never talk like we did, I think.

I don't think it's weird, just unhealthy. He's gone and for as long as he's still around I'm not going to accept that.

And the worst part? If he ever expressed anything for me again I'd have to reject him. He held on so long last time. It's not just guilt, but it mostly is. I know me; I would and will do it again. When I reject him I want him to talk me into it. I don't want it to be all my fault this time.

This time it won't be anybody's fault. I'll be better, I'll treat him right. I'll be devoted. I wont be stupid and blind.

Good thing there isn't a "this time," right? I'm obsessed but I'm not stupid. I don't think it's a good idea either. I want to be rejected, though. Maybe I'll express everything I'm feeling for my own benefit. It'll hurt him and me. At least its a means to an end.

Limerence is such a stupid concept. If I only realize I loved him after he's gone but the love I feel is limerence does that mean I never loved him? No, I did once.

I try not to blame myself. I had my reasons for being cruel. I don't think they matter, though. I should blame myself because at the end of the day I hurt him and that's my fault reasons or not. And I never apologized.

I have a newfound respect for him; a realization that I should move on with my life so he can move on with his.

On a final note: my reasons may not have been so good, either. I was being blackmailed "Love, Simon" style (somewhat) a few months ago. Turns out it didn't matter since the nude photos and conversations they had of me were from a friend who was signed into my account and not because they had access to my account.

I can't believe I had to pretend to be a lesbian for that. (Always will be a bisexual, either way lol.) That was stupid. They did share the screenshots like they said they would and when my girlfriend saw them we broke up. That was fine because the whole reason we dated was so that the admin at school brushed the whole situation off as a breakup.

Aren't I smart?

I really lucked out with that 2 for 1 breakup deal though because things didn't go back after that. And, on second thought, I didn't have to break up with him and pretend to be a lesbian because if the admin team saw the revenge porn of me they probably would have assumed it was nothing anyways.

Anywho I'm getting off topic. God I'm a fucking degenerate. No wonder why the world hates me, I'm a fucking dickhead. Oh well.

[undercoverinparadise]

no way tf2 finally have a film

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Tried to do “Meet the Team” remake in SFM

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Waiting for him to message me back except I use Tumblr so we know that won’t happen.

[undercoverinparadise]

Med Down!!!

[undercoverinparadise]

I lied again/And so things come to an end.

"Today is love." That is my favourite affirmation.

Maybe today really is love. I think maybe I pushed myself a little too hard again and hurt some people and maybe myself, but things will work out.

I did some worrying about band, since last post. A 12 hour 44 minute trip by bus is definitely something to worry about, in all fairness. What if I get hungry or dehydrated? What If I have to use the bathroom? So many what-ifs. Not to mention I get violently car-sick.

Band itself hasn't been so bad as of late. I butchered a band exam, but it was really empowering, honestly. I didn't feel ashamed, but I knew I ought to, that I hadn't practiced. It took me two tries and I was playing a different piece (since I'm new to my instrument). I wasn't the worst out of my peers, all considered, so it wasn't a total loss.

Jazz band has been awful from the performance Anxiety I get, but I think I'm getting a little more confident. It's difficult to work through, but it's important. Also, I heard from my science teacher that my marks are in the 90s! That's the highest my grades have ever been since grade 5! Isn't that good?

I waited too long and now I have to finish all of my aboriginal studies work before the 28th, but oh well. English also worries me, but I'll work through it I think.

In my personal life, I've spent virtually no time prepping for D&D. No biggie since they're new and I'll spend more time verifying facts on google, reading from a module, and making shit up than being bullied for having done no prep. I have starting making friends with people, too, which is cool. Not real friends, but just getting to know friendly people. I'm okay with that.

I also did some bad things too, like lie and hurt somebody. It's my fault this time, and much like my band test, I know I ought to be ashamed, but I can't bring myself to be upset. I feel bad, but not enough to let it ruin me.

In a perfect world maybe he'd forgive me, but I understand that after seeing me in such a way only to learn none of it was real, it would be kind of strange to even think of a person you'd been so vulnerable with that you know virtually nothing about. And I'm okay with that.

Things seem to have come full circle, and here I am again. This is okay this time. Sometimes you have to end up where you started to realize how much you want things to change.

[undercoverinparadise]

More Tribulations Than Trials

It's been good so far. School, I mean.

I did totally terrible at my Physics evaluation today, but I got a 95 on my last one so that kind of cancels out. I was also terribly tired for some reason. I didn't do much during English and it doesn't matter since I'm probably not going to finish my homework for it, either. Even if I had a good enough essay draft to work with I probably still wouldn't feel motivated.

Ab Studies are great, too! I mean, we do interesting stuff. And I only have one project I haven't handed in, so far! I need to stay on top of this, this year.

I'm getting along with my peers, too. Though, maybe as not as much as I could be. I've always struggled with developing meaningful relationships and I think that might be because I honestly enjoy the casual, no-strings solidarity you create with one-off classmates and such. There's one girl, though, who may fit my criteria.

No boys, though. Or girls. Or anybody. That stuff doesn't interest me very much anyways.

Now that the initial excitement has worn off, school is really quite dull. In a positively boring way. The people I was excited to meet are no longer interesting to me and the classes I was eager to take are now overwhelming. And I can't sleep enough. How do I sleep enough?

And I'm ugly? Not in a bad way. I can just feel the oil on my skin and I hate being able to feel the way I look.

Band has been my saving grace. The second week of school is when I stopped being excited, though, and it's all band's fault. I got left out for my second class in a row due to possibly the negligence of others or even myself. Since then I wasted my own money and time and strength on that stupid Horn. It's not easy and all that keeps me motivated is that eagerness to learn and that deeply troubling complex I have that tells me that they're lucky to have me.

In my opinion, I have a skillset that is advantageous to them. Having a music-savvy person like myself on the French Horn is better than some person who can't even follow a tempo. No shade at anybody in particular.

The next thing that put me off was quite possibly her. She's nice. She's nice, I tell myself. She flirts with me and compliments me and thanks me and offers kind gestures. But she's not interesting. She talks like a coward and a quitter and I'd rather she'd just quit band than talk about how the Horn is a "fucked" instrument and repeat over and over again that she's not capable of it.

And maybe she hurt my feelings. I wasn't interested in her, romantically, I don't think. I think I wanted her to be interested in me, though. But she's not. She just flirts and hints and backs off when I ask, so not only do I feel stupid and confused but also I can't help but have my feelings affirmed. I need somebody with a backbone.

In my life, I mean.

So, when things finally collected themselves and I thought to myself; "Hey! I can play this piece." It came as a shock to find that no, I wouldn't be putting in my effort to play a reasonably written piece. A piece a could finally play! But I'm not here. I mean, I knew I wouldn't be, but I should be. I knew this would happen when I made the plans but it didn't matter.

And I don't have time to finish my English essay for tomorrow now that I write this, too. I'm going to finish this song and go to bed, I think.

It would be nice to have a therapist again, maybe, but preferably somebody who would talk to me. I couldn't stand sitting in that office in silence on the same side of the couch every second week with both feet flat on the floor. I wish my house was run by a woman, because then maybe she'd bitch about my emotions with me over a glass of wine.

But I don't need a wine aunt. I'm 15, I need a glass of water, a slap on the back from a person who shouldn't have to be here and a firm shove in the correct direction.

It's for the best, though. We all know how it went last time.

[undercoverinparadise]

Seasons Change, Too

I had the most fantastic day today. A new school, new (and old) people and classes and faculty. I mean, for me it was perfect! Not once today was I overstimulated or worried.

Of course there's rational anxiety like wondering when the bell rings, where my class is, and why nobody else is in a certain hall. But that cant be helped, can it?

I was practically bouncing off the walls recounting my day. It was that good.

So I've changed, I guess.

Starting from scratch feels good. I mean, I was almost sorry for my peers who were stuck at the old school. Of course, a certain boy should have come with, but I think its better that he's behind me with the past. The friend that did come with me was all I needed. The only time when I doubted that fact was when it occurred to me that I was the only person moving on out of the two of us.

Its just hard moving into the future when you're eating lunch with somebody in the past, y'know?

And, I try to keep my details and explicitness here to a minimum, but I feel I'm in the right asking somebody to move on from a group of peoples who hate me. Who receives a message saying "tell her she's a bitch" and goes, "yeah I wanna be friends with that person."

I mean, is it that hard to pick between them and me? I think maybe I overestimated my value, because at the end of the day somebody who cant (or rather; doesn't) think for themself will always pick the easier option.

It was such a good day. I mean, its only as I type this that I express this deep hurt I felt in that moment.

Would it be mean to send this post to them afterwards?

Things started to look up again fairly quickly, though. An old fiend came across me and we got over our differences for the time being in exchange for company. Lonely people make due sometimes, even if I wasn't lonely. It was just nice to have somebody to walk me home, y'know?

My ex-friend's brother played games with me too. If the first encounter wasn't risky enough, this was. I could hear his family say awful things about me over call. I wont let it ruin my first day because at the end of the day I have moved on, I'm happier, and I'm happier than any of them will ever let themselves be.

It may be selfish to think this and mean, even, but sometimes you just have to acknowledge that you're better than somebody. Emotionally, that is.

I'm not too focused on that since I'm too excited for tomorrow. I almost feel bad for feeling bad! I wanna chase this feeling.

[undercoverinparadise]

Today I Will Be Happy

I have so many things to talk about and so many feelings. What's more important to me, though, is that I talk about what makes me happy. Who would want to read post after post of romantic ideation on the thought processes of my mind? That wouldn't be too interesting, I would think.

Today I will be happy.

I'm happy I'm home, for starters. I get to shower in the comfort of my own shower and sleep in the comfort of my own bed. I can listen to whatever music whenever I want. I can make myself ramen or eat yoghurt or bake cookies. I could even press flowers if I want.

I also have internet.

My friends don't talk to me too much anymore. It's not their fault of course, most of them are out enjoying their summers (or doing quite the opposite of that) or working. I work, technically. Working sucks.

Going to piano lessons every Tuesday isn't fun either. But hey, at least one day I wont have to look back and say, "I wish I learned that when I was younger." I may not get paid but at least I'll have something to put on my resume so I can (hopefully) skip having to work at some McDonald's or something. There really is a bright side to everything.

My friends tried to keep in touch more at the beginning of the summer and I wont see most of them. The boy I mentioned before, included. There isn't much of a bright side there, is there? That's fine.

It's always fine.

It's fine because I like the sun (even though it is very hot) and I like my dog (who is admirably happy) and I like music. Nothing special to say about music, though, because who doesn't like it though?

I also have ice cream in the freezer that I almost forgot about! And more orange juice and Greek yoghurt than any singular teenager needs. I've acquired two (2) penpals along the way and I quite like them. I think that one of them is either bored of me or disinterested already, but they could also just be busy! They tell me a lot about where they come from and I'm very happy to learn from them. Penpal number two seems much more knowledgeable than me, so much so that maybe I am a little intimidated. They are also very smart and kind with tons to share.

So see? I can be happy too! I can be happy that I'm getting better at video games, or be happy that I'm writing more. I guess I have so much to be happy about that I'm a little overwhelmed.

Right now I'll just be happy that I have a warm shower and comfortable bed waiting for me.

[undercoverinparadise]

My Romantic Ideology

I'm an asexual. I understand but do not personally experience the overlap between sexual and romantic attraction. My asexuality doesn't affect how I feel about romance, but it will always affect how I go about it, which is slightly bothersome.

I also identify, in some way, with aromanticism. I experience the desire to have a romantic partner, but the way I'd ideally go about having one is so different from the norm that aromanticism is what it comes down to. I was lucky to have asexuality fit so well, I guess. Normally they overlap; I don't want sex, I don't want romance. I understand and accept and encourage the nature of human sexuality. I don't understand much about romance at all. And still, I'm forever flowered and clinging to romanticism.

I want to love and be loved. And not because I'm lonely.

An ideal partner would love the titles. "Yours", "Mine", "Boyfriend", "Girlfiend", "Partner", etc. An ideal partner wouldn't wait for me at all; I cant stand the idea of me being romantically unavailable and being with somebody who waits for me for the rest of our lives because they expect me to change. I want them to take the words of affirmation at face value and take off with their friends. I want people to mistake us for friends every so often.

We'd laugh together and at one another and we'd have long talks and take walks. We'd enjoy each other in moderation. Maybe a man with glasses; a man who's really smart, too. He could lean on me on the sofa while he reads and I'd run my hand through his hair every so often. I wouldn't have to say anything and nothing would have to change at all.

Maybe, this strange man I'm thinking of, would work a lot. I'd like that, but maybe only because it would make me feel better for being busy, too. He'd work a lot, he'd bitch and moan, and I'd entertain his ideas. We'd lay next to each other in bed, and some nights our skin touches - every other night would be best spent on our own sides. Especially since we'd retire to bed at different times. I hope I don't snore.

We wouldn't have a lot of energy but we wouldn't need it.

This man doesn't exist, however, and he never will. I don't think I'd put up with it from anybody other than this man I've created in my mind. Maybe because he's really me? That's a little too self-cestuous for me.

Realistically, I have mused the idea of a woman, too. An open relationship and polyamory weren't originally off the table. I find it hard to imagine myself in any of these relationships, though an open relationship (followed by an open marriage) amuses me as a concept.

I think maybe I have been too influenced by fan media to consume reality at face value. It's simply not my fault that fantasy fiction written by lonely middle aged women for (usually) teenage girls who wished their favourite character's got together appeals so much to me. Typical.

Romance isn't important to me, yet. But one day, maybe, the time with come - and when it does, I will face it as it is.

[undercoverinparadise]

Motivation

It wasn't until the idea of switching school's occurred to me that I started feeling passion for my work. If I finish this year, and I mean finish it well, maybe they'll think higher of me next year. Of course they wont care at all, they aren't paid for that, but it would be nice entering the school knowing the teacher's don't think I'm entirely incompetent. Maybe, even, I'll be approachable. I'd like that.

I worry that in the crowd of many people, none of which I know, I will see a certain somebody again. It's been a while and part of me understands that we ended on bad terms (part of me wants to reconnect anyways) but at the same time I think I'd be too embarrassed of who I used to be to say anything. They'd recognize me, of course; I'm not saying I'm much to remember but I'd like to think that after those five years I'd be somewhat recognizable considering I haven't changed at all since then. On the other hand, I probably wouldn't recognize them at all.

They have a band program. A band program! I hear that other than the typical band-kid band they have rock and jazz. Rock band doesn't interest me much and I don't consider myself a band kid, but the jazz band seems awfully tempting. I'd be too worried to join a small jazz class, of course, but It's lovely to fantasize. Band-kids, here I come! Don't eat me alive, please! (You're nice people, I hear.)

In order to get into the band program I'm going to have to get everything together, I suppose. I'll have to study, focus, think. It sounds pretty easy like this; if I keep writing forever maybe I can put it off a little longer. I barely passed some of my classes last semester and I didn't do one at all. I'll work on this semester tonight and maybe (just maybe) I can keep things up.

Something else about this new school will be a new me. I mean, where I am I have a role to fill; I will always be me. Everybody knows me and who I am and for as long as I am here I must be this definition of me that I am unhappy with. Maybe in a new setting I would stop catering to the people I ended up with and maybe (just maybe) be myself. This fantasy - more of an illusion - I hold dear to me is driving me insane, but I love it. It motivates me.

There's one boy who is very kind to me. I think of him as a dear friend but I can't help but feel a hint of attraction to him from myself. Not romantically, I think (though the though crosses my mind often), but as beings. Two stars who have aligned. I hate to think that we'd never speak again after I leave.

But

If I don't go I'll always wonder what I missed. It's a gamble, certainly, but I don't know if I could stand to be here, miserable, knowing that feeling I shared with him could be my everything. This feeling is a drug and I am it's largest addict; this acceptance, the happiness, the way I breathe for the first and last time at each hello and goodbye. I still think of him in math class, you know. I shouldn't have switched classes.

If I never chase this feeling, no matter how far it takes me, I'll continue wasting away day after day for this placebo this place gives me. It wont be a fairy tale or hallmark story, sure, but at this school I can be me.

I can be me.

Is this how lab rats feel, working for the knife? I'm going to read this later and hate myself.