uncharteredland

[uncharteredland]

Confession #150521

Honestly, you’ve been asking me to call him repeatedly, asking me to check on him even though i do not want to. Its hard for me to say no because 1. you’re worried about him 2. he is a condescending being who’s highly self-obsessed and every time i talk to him, its so damn difficult.

I don’t like that you guys are not in talking terms. I do support the reason why he had to take that step. But I also know that he has been partly contributing to the reason. Your outburst that day wasn’t just stimulated by me. His involvement was equally there. I am not justifying your reaction, on he other hand, I am not denying that he is also responsible for many outbursts you had on me. Only difference is you could shout at me but not at him. 

Whenever there’s a situation when someone disagrees with him, he’ll make sure to prove them wrong. I know I am the same. But the difference is that I accept that. I know that I try to prove my point when i feel i am right. But he is in denial and so are you when it comes to your shortcomings. My opinion for him is extremely personal. If you ask me if he could ever be “my” friend, I’d say bot. I can never have people like him in my scale. I mean to each his own. But I hate the fact that u try to impose him on me. He is your best friend, I accept that. But don’t push me to make him my best friend. I’m grateful to him for being your friend and everything but keep me out of it. Also, he himself has never been a friend to me. I’ve been in desperate situations which needed like 1% of help but he chose not to help. Its his call whom to help and whom to not. And its my call whom to befriend and whom to not. 

He is condescending, arrogant, self-obsessed, ungrateful. You always knew about his true nature. Still you were friends. And i understand, he was there for u always when u were in need. But, that’s not a reason for me to be core friends with him. I can and am friendly to him and entertain him and his behavior only because I have to. Other than that, I don not wish to be associated with him. 

He always thinks he is doing the right thing. But never ever peeps inside and sees how he has been contributing to problems. Nobody is doing that. But the moment somebody does wrong fingers are all set to point.

I mean, in my life, I have learnt karma does everything. Nobody is more capable than karma. So, time will serve the results to everyone.

[uncharteredland]

Looking up

I am 28 years old, married recently with no job. No job only with respect to a professional career, though I have Masters in Management. 

I quit my job last year due to the highly stressful environment which made it quiet impossible for me to work in that role. I have not been successful in landing a new job. The Covid-19 pandemic added more to my woes. This gap gave me a lot of time to question myself. My capabilities and my talent were put to question by me. I feel I am losing my confidence, overthinking acting as a deterrent. 

Since my childhood days, I have been a thinker. I like to question everything, which now I think I might be a bit cynical. But I feel it is because I keep looking answers for everything. Not everything needs answers. Due to this, it was easy for me to pen down my thoughts and write better. I wrote poetry and made journal entries whenever I felt down which helped to keep my mind rested when I couldn’t decipher the reason for something. I thought my pain channelised me into writing better. As I grew older, I became an over thinker which turned out to be a setback. My mind felt blocked. I couldn’t channelise this pain into writing. Instead, it led me to self-pity which I hate. 

Off lately, I am trying to move back to the same zone where I could turn my worries into beautiful writings. I am lagging behind by 12 years or so. Hoping that I start creating something wonderful. Also, I love cooking and watching TV shows that are insightful and not just nonsensical dramas with no connection with the audience. Hoping to share 2 cents on those too. 

[uncharteredland]

Ray of hope,sneaking in, pushing the dark. Little does it know, it's dusk now and soon, it'll go away. But wait, dawn shall come too.

[uncharteredland]

Confession #765

Imagine this:

He is a loving husband/boyfriend. Loves to help you out. If you leave the dishes, he’ll do them for you. If you forgot to dry the clothes in the machine, he’ll hang them dry for you. If you tell him that you crave for ice-cream, he’ll get that for you even if it’s 12 midnight. If you complain to him about a small scratch in hands, he’ll make sure to comfort you. If you tell him that you don’t want to cook dinner, he’ll happily order in from your favourite restaurant. If you fall ill, he gets sick worried. 

But when he gets angry, he forgets you. Not that he doesn’t recognise you. He forgets that he is in love with you. He calls you a slut, he gives statements of selling you off in the prostitute market, he swears about your parents. He swears about everything that is related to you, painting a horrific picture about them. If you dare to counter, you’re called names. 

What do you do if you have someone like this?

[uncharteredland]

Almost. It’s a big word for me. I feel it everywhere. Almost home. Almost happy. Almost changed. Almost, but not quite. not yet. Soon, maybe.

Joan Bauer (via bnmxfld)

[uncharteredland]

Confession #267

Considering this blog, with almost no followers, as my private diary where I feel safe to pen down everything without any interference from anyone, especially from those who know me. 

I have quit my job but got married to the guy with whom I have been in relationship with since 10 years. I quit my job because of the painful amount of stress that got the best of me. Yes, its said that its a bad storm, out of which you come out as a new person. But i quit. I couldn’t go through that storm. I did not have the strength to go through it. Little did I know i got myself into a bigger storm.

I lost my mother when I was 10. My father tried to make everything so easy and smooth for us so that we never feel my mom’s absence. But my sister and I are girls. Every girl needs their mom at some point where your dad can’t help much. So I did feel her absence and I used to be so angry because of that. So agitated and confused that why is she not there with me when I need her the most. Surely, my dad and sister used to feel the same. But we never talked about it. All that confusion, agitation inside us got bottled up. I could never express my issues in a clearer manner and talk and discuss it with my family. Same case with them too. All of these bottled up anger and frustration came out in bad ways and acted as a slow poison in all of us. 

I always kept looking for love and validation for everything I do or I am. “Please tell me if I am confident when I speak in front of the classroom?” “Am I pretty to you?” “Am I doing well?” When I should be the one answering these questions to myself, I looked for others to answer me. I wanted them to convince me that I am good enough. I needed friends, like always. I wanted them to be attentive to me all the time which is not possible even for your boyfriend, no matter how much he loves you.

I cannot handle criticism. It needs to be sugar coated. I want other people to hear my solution and follow it. I do not like when people counter my arguments, especially when I do not have an response ready. Also, I cannot control myself from answering back.I have anger issues. I can try to control it to some extent but if the situation/thing/person keeps annoying me, I break. When I cannot express it, I cry. I hate when people force me into doing things which I don’t want to, even if it is important. I like my freedom. But i like the dependency too. 

I am scared of taking rational decisions. I know that a particular thing is right and ought to be done but i don’t. I know the consequences but still I don’t. 

I don’t know where my life is headed. I have no plan of action, no set goals for my life. I simply don’t have any of them because I don’t know where I want to be in next 5 or 10 years. I do nothing about it.I have never lived alone. Never with myself. I always had friends or boyfriend. I don’t know if I can live happily without any person to look forward to.

My long time boyfriend who is my husband now loves me a lot I am sure. But he keeps getting mad at me. Its because I am cranky most of the time. If anything upsets me, I am unable to hide it. So when crankiness creeps up, I make him lose his temper.So, now he stays cranky too. I have lots of mood swings which becomes overwhelming for him. Its too much for him to handle. I think I am too much to handle, even for him and my family. 

i am lazy. I am all of these negativities and more and I am used to it. Worst- I am comfortable in it. This is the reason why, even after 28 years of my life, I am just the way I was and effortlessly penned down all of my demons. 

Question is, how to kill them?

[uncharteredland]

You asked what you could do, how to behave. Please, take care of yourself. Seek out beautiful things, inspirations, connections and validating friends. Perhaps you could keep a journal and write stuff down. The written word can put to rest many imagined demons. Identify things that concern you in the world and make incremental efforts to remedy them. At all costs, try to cultivate a sense of humour. See things through that courageous heart of yours. Be merciful to yourself. Be kind to yourself. Be kind.

Nick Cave (via austinkleon)

[uncharteredland]

I am going to be rather hard-nosed and say that if you have to find devices to coax yourself to stay focused on writing, perhaps you should not be writing what you’re writing. And, if this lack of motivation is a constant problem, perhaps writing is not your forte. I mean, what is the problem? If writing bores you, that is pretty fatal. If that is not the case, but you find that it is hard going and it just doesn’t flow, well, what did you expect? It is work; art is work. Nobody ever said it was easy. What they said is: “Life is short, art is long.

Ursula K. Le Guin (via austinkleon)

[uncharteredland]

                Leaving a place which does not feel like home. Is it okay to leave whenever its not home? Is "being home" overrated?

Always dreamt of a place to work where I shine. Excelling in academics and then excelling in workplace. But this race has caught me in a trap where I do not feel belongingness. Always feels like I'm an outsider. Is it the right place for me? Or am I just there because everyone's there? Doing everything since everyone's doing that and hence, makes the safest option to go. But, eventually this has become a series of unfortunate events where I feel trapped and keep falling out of that crowd. Should I accept that its not my place? or Should I keep myself pushing into that thinking I need to fit in since that's how the world works.

Am I being delusional? or am I realist enough to realise that that is not the place, this is not where I belong and accept the fact that I cannot be pushed into something where I do not belong.

Fortunately or unfortunately, its not a single person's decision. It is said that it's your life but the decisions made cannot be yours only, right? Considering your feelings or interests is selfish or self-love? What if my self-love affects the people who love me dearly. Is it possible that people who love me can understand every decision I make? If I consider self-love as not selfish, then maybe, they falling out of love for me can be self-love for themselves? Do I really want to self-love at this cost? Can there be a middle ground? Or completely self-loving means going or keeping away the people who love me?

So, I go back to the same question- is "being home" overrated? 

#selflove #iamhome #amihome #selfishornotselfish

[uncharteredland]

Dearest L

I know its your life. You are going to live it in your way. You can wish for anything and work hard for anything. Just remember to put your heart into it. I pray that you always make wise choices but then no ones always perfect. You might get hurt, your heart might break, you might lose hope. But remember, NEVER LOSE HOPE! Have faith in yourself. You'll just need to work harder than you previously did.

Sweety , dad and I have always got your back. You might hate us now but later on you'll  realize how much hard work and dedication and selfless love has been given to you and me by our dad. Find a soul mate but don't get lost in the process. Most importantly, find yourself and what and whom you are happy with.I want always you to dream, both with your eyes shut and open. I don't have many wise words to pass it on to you. I have done mistakes and I keep doing it. But i can help you in not repeating them, if you just let me to do so and have some faith in me.

Be whatever you want to be. But make sure you make your dad proud. Don't let his hard work to go in vain. Pray to god, he always listens to us. And mom, well she never stopped watching us.

Love M