unalomepath

[unalomepath]

365/365

Hi Dear Me!

What a year! Last post done in the end of 2022. Let's summarise!

Moving abroad.

Well, I knew that it wouldn't happen. I didn't even want that. I guess I was trying to convince myself that it is a good solution and time to run from Poland, but deep in my hear I just knew. In the end the main reason was that we did not find a proper flat due to be expats. Also we couldn't take our cats. Everything with that idea was a mess and I completely forgot about it a little later.

Job change!

New opprtunity to develop in a strong worldwide company and great salary (60% rise). Am I dreaming?

Mess in my head.

In the beginning of May, I am not sure, I started therapy. I could not bare anymore panic attacks and feeling just like a trash. I felt responsible for every fucking misfortune. May long weekend we spent in Greece, Corfu. Only because I had a really high pressure that I need to go somewhere. It's been 6 months of staying at home, it is unacceptable! But the weather was bad - half of the stay heavy rain, and if not - almost all the time fully cloudy. It affected the whole experience. And I was utterly sure that it is my fault. Also we spent sooo much money for that trip only because it was in a desirable date. We were arguing, I was depressed and annoying, everything went awful. At least in my head.

During the therapy I learnt to think and see myself and the world differently. My therapist made me aware that the wather is not under my control and that I forgot about everything good - like the fact that I am a great planner when it comes to the sightseeing or renting a car.

New job is going worse and worse...

New dream job turned out to be a disaster I hate. I realised that it is not me. It a imagined me, extravert, confident and proud. I had to go on a official trip to Germany, I felt there lost, I did not understand a thing, everyting was so confusing. I did not receive any onboarding, any explanation, any introduction. Only more and more calls and upcoming requirements. I started stressing me and I felt so stupid. A job that I couldn't tell a word about. But my holiday were soon I stopped caring at leat in the summer.

I am a fiancee!

The 10 days in Zakynthos, Greece, were my best holidays ever. Everything finally went perfect. PERFECT. The hotel, food, sea, beach, trips, views. It overcome my expectations. Best holiday ever! And the main point was that my partner gave me a ring, so I finally after almost 8 years changed my status from girlfriend to fiancee.

Come back to the old job.

After holiday I realised I need to run from my "dream new job". Quickly. Somewhow my previous company took me back. Of course not too easily - I went great during the interviews, but to punish me for leaving they lowered my salary in comparison to the other people in the team. And there is nothing I can do about it. And it is really fucking annoying. I am not progressing with my salary due to the high inflantion for the past 2-3 years.

After job change I started again to have panic attacks and issues with myself. Unfortunately my therapy had to end in July because the owner of the medical center decided to close it... But I learnt back then a lot. I just need to remember to follow the rules.

2023.

Some points about 2023.

I got engaged. It means that I am important in this big world.

I had a short adventure in another company that allowed me to pay off the car, go to therapy, buy a computer, and benefit fully from the holiday. I quitt because it was the best choice for my mental health and money wasn't worth it.

I realised I do not need social media to live. I feel better without the knowledge what everyone is doing! If it is something interesting, they will tell you.

I realised that life is not about building it the same as other people. You choose. You have your own, special priorities. You have your own plan.

Me is the most important (of course besides my fiance). I live only for myself, I do not have to fit in, drink alcohol or enjoy the same stuff. Big NO.

Health is the biggest value. Doing overtime, skipping lunch breaks, trying be always the best IS NOT WORTH YOUR HEALTH. Both, physical and mental!

Life is about living, so close this virtual blog for today. :)

[unalomepath]

Big changes?

Imagine it is again 2019 and everything looks good. 

How was my life then? In the end of August I went on my first Italian holiday. With boyfriend we were laying on the beach, swimming in the sea, traveling around, taking photos and eating the best pizza and pasta in the world. Everything was perfect.

Then comes November and we are buying the flat to start new chapter in our lives. Christmas, new challening job in February, and frist serious one - after year and a half I finally left the previous company which was using me and acting not fair. New people, new tasks, but also an excitment - everything was going better and better, until suddenly in the begining of March we were forced to lock ourselves at homes for almost 2 years. 

Me, boyfriend and the cat got stuck in micro studio flat with one room, both working remotely. That was a freaking nightmare, but we survived first lockdown till the summer. In September we were supposed to finally get the keys to our property, but, of course - nothing went as should, the construction was delayed, another lockdown was coming, so in the end we left the city to spend 3 months in my boyfriend’s parents place. Big house with garden, I thought, much better option to exist than our small rented flat. But again - the illnes found us even there, parents got sick, we got locked and patrolled by police. My new, exciting job became a new torture - I was doing overtime every day, everyone was quitting month after month, I was even dreaming about my duties at night. On the weekends we were searching and buying taps, chairs and other stuff, planning everything eagerly - one good thing at that time.

2021 - this will be our year, yes. 

We got the keys on 8th of January, moved back to our city, bought a car, controlled the flat construction and finally in March moved in. Well, we had the mattress, table, chairs and balcony sofa to start with. Kitchen was still not finished and we had no wardrobes. This year was full of sacrifices, no holiday, no trips - all money we were saving to buy the furniture, decorations, tools and other equipment. Some surprises also appeard, like fallen radiator and water leak to the neighbour. Bummer. It wasn’t our year at all.

2022 - this will be our year. This time for sure!

In the first quarter we bought the last wardrobe to the hall. Yes! Now we can start saving for holiday and all the pleasures. The time finally came.

No.

Let’s start a war in the Ukraine. Let’s go to the 5 weddings and be broke. Let’s continue the constant conflict of polish government with European Union, tons of scandals and downgrade of Poland in terms of healthcare, public services and infrastructure. Why not?

Another year was completely exhausting and frustrating. Don’t get me wrong - there were good moments, but when I summarize it in my head, the irritation wins. In the last quarter we took 2 trips, one to Spain and second to the Italy, so finally something connected to relaxation. But it couldn’t be too good - on the last wedding we caught some rotavirus and week later flew ill to the sunny Costa Brava. 

I feel like I cannot find a place or a path to follow since the covid era. Everything is so haotic, unstable. I got again the anxiety. I cannot get along with my group of friends. They are still partying like animals and wasting tons of money on alcohol or rich travels. I know it is their choice and style of living and who am I to judge - but it is just not mine anymore.

2023 - whatever will be, will be.

I am not making plans. I am not making new year resolutions. I do not even know where I will be the next month. I only know that I do not wanna be here anymore. This new job opportunity abroad sounds really teasing, but relocation to the completely new country is not so simple process as it might to seem. I have done everything I could and now we can only wait. 

Will my life change again? Let’s see in the next 2 weeks.