uglyducklingacrossthepond

[uglyducklingacrossthepond]

New year, same old me - expect 1000% tired of my life. Christmas holiday is over, and school started today. I don't really have the energy to do school, let alone being interested in passing stuff, but I'm going to force myself to go through this. If I'm lucky, I should graduate this year's Christmas.

What is eating me is that I'm living my life, but I'm not present in my life at all. How can I since I'm still living socially as a man and I hate it. I could socially transition back to my old name, but the beard is still growing and shaving is really hard because the beard grows back quickly. I fear that laser doesn't do its job before the summer break starts, as I had my hopes that I could finally fully transition when the summer break is here. I've also been tired as hell, probably because of depression that I've been avoiding gym - I do manage to go there 1 a week, but my usual routine is 3 times a week and I dislike how I'm slowly getting out of the shape.

[uglyducklingacrossthepond]

I keep forgetting to switch blogs. Sorry for random furby content that always appear here.

[uglyducklingacrossthepond]

Hello loneliness, my old friend. I've so close to make a reddit post in foreveralonedating, but I'm almost very sure that nobody is interested, or they get bored. It's either that. I'm undesirable either by looks or because of my personality. Maybe both.

[uglyducklingacrossthepond]

I'm alive, but I don't feel like I'm living.

[uglyducklingacrossthepond]

I don't remember when I updated last time, but it's been a while, I think. Nothing has happened regarding my detransition during the summer break. I'm having my next laser appointment in October and can't wait for it. It's going to be my 4th time and I hope I will finally see some progress after that, since currently it looks like the laser has done nothing ( I have black facial hair.)

Overall, I'm really tired of my life and faking it till I make it. Not sure how long I can continue this shit. I want to take a really long nap and never wake up, because honestly this has been same shit but different day from my teens to present. Having a positive view of life did not help, being active and making friends and trying to be the activate one in dating did not help - might just give up.

[uglyducklingacrossthepond]

I know I'm unloveable

As predicted, the guy is most likely not going to be okay with the fact that I am detrans and also currently doing the detransition. While he seemed to be cool and kind to me, I don't even need to read between the lines how things are.

I have a lot of love to give, but no man wants it. Might just empty my bank account and hire a hitman to get me. I'm tired of this shit. And while this is a poor attempt to make a joke about my situation, I am kinda very depressed about being unloveable.

[uglyducklingacrossthepond]

Sometimes I keep thinking that I should date detrans men, but where are they, and how do you find them?

[uglyducklingacrossthepond]

"Just put a tape on it." That answer made me think that I'd rather die because of sepsis than continue living in this hell.

While I understand that "cosmetic" things aren't the top priority when it comes to public health care, which I am grateful that my country has an affordable one, I am still very upset about today's doctor's appointment. I literally got no help to any of the problems. Best advice was to put a tape over my pinky toes if the nails are irritating and making my toes hurt.

Another great advice was that there's nothing we can do, we can't send you to even dermatologist because there's nothing no one can do to your body hair - go to see a cosmetologist, and maybe they can suggest you a dermatologist. Excuse me? I will pay the bill, but I will not be happy about this - yes, I know I created my own mess and I should lay in it. Or should I? In my country, you don't get HRT without seeing a doctor and psychologist and the psychologist that I saw when I wanted to transition, was against me getting the diagnosis. And she was right that I should've not gotten it in the first place. I never admitted to the clinic that they made a huge mistake (they even knew that my trauma background is a risk and HERE WE ARE) and I hate myself sometimes when I just try to be nice like: "mistakes happen. :)"

So, I guess that's it? I have to be this fucking Chewbacca and pray that my body hair thins and gets light again. I really wanted to start swimming, but I can't go to public pools now when I look like this.

Has any other ftmtf gotten medical help to body hair from a doctor? I'm not talking about laser. I really need some ideas and advices how to stop looking like a Chewbacca (it's not actually that bad, but it does make me cry everytime I see my ugly body hair.)

[uglyducklingacrossthepond]

I had a huge post prepared and almost published it but came to second thoughts about it. I guess I needed just to write that to myself, but maybe I might clean that up and publish something later.

Currently feeling a little bit better. I've been talking with a man who seems to be accepting my current detransition situation, but honestly I'm kinda already thinking that the conversation will die out eventually. However, I'm not projecting any of my suspicion to him how things will end, I'm just trying to enjoy this as well I can while keeping that doubt locked inside me.

[uglyducklingacrossthepond]

Detransitioner looks in #detrans and #detransition tags on Tumblr to find community and support, only to find some of the most misogynistic, violent, homophobic and transphobic posts she's ever seen on this website.

[uglyducklingacrossthepond]

The regret

I already feel like I am going to regret of making this blog, but here goes nothing anyway. I am going to treat this more like a diary and try to remember to add tags if there is something too serious.

I pretty much started my detransition journey a year ago. Been on estrogen 7 months, and I am really happy about it that my T levels dropped very fast. I've also made my peace with the fact that my hair is going to be fucked up forever, I can wear wigs. I've always had an interest in them, and I've already found some nice ones.

My body also was very quick to go back to as it used to be, and everything packed to the hip area and some to stomach area. Am I sad that I lost the body I worked so hard to get to slim? Yes, but it was not meant to be, and I have made my peace with that too.

I am also currently studying a new profession to get my life together when it comes to working and having a steady job. There is a good chance that I land in one after, or even before, I manage to finish my studies.

What does eat me, and has eaten me even if I had not transitioned but being detrans definitely makes things harder, is to find a man in my life. I am always treated poorly, men think that I am a biological male and no one believes me that I am a woman who made a really poor choice 10 years ago. I've never been a pretty woman, and won't be a pretty woman now either, even when I'd fully get my face cleaned with laser. People will always say that love finds you, well, love has definitely forgotten that I exist because nothing is coming to my way - and believe me, I have been active ever since I was a teenager. I've been most of the time even the one who has told a man that: "Hello, I'm interested in you. Would you like to go for a coffee with me."

I always dreamed and hoped to find that man in my life, in the end, while experiencing and navigating in different relationships as I try to find my love. This is the only part in my life that weighs me down and hurts me, kinda ironic.