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A few quick ones for the road

Hi there non-existent readers, Tydlhe here, still working on my big move out of state. Right now I'm in that comfy little state where everything but your bed and clothes are boxed up nice and neat, and all you need to wait for is your last day of work before you can put it all in your car and drive off to your future home. So while I'm here I thought I'd fire off a quick 3 part advice post. The fact that I'm lumping them into a quick post doesn't mean they're small easy problems that can be ignored; these seemed like ones I can word a little easier than most.

Q: "I'm having a bit of an awkward time around a friend of mine since we've been, um, 'intimate' with one another. But what makes it awkward is that it hasn't even been in the waking world; I've been having sex dreams about him pretty frequently! I don't feel that way about him at all! What is the deal???"

Sexual dreams are always nice, and most people have em from time to time. The subject of your otherworldly desires isn't always important; the idea is the act or setting itself. If you had some sort of secret crush, it'd be pretty cut and dry why you were seeing your friend in this situation. But as you said, this isn't the case. If I were a more psychologically inclined person I'd dig deeper and say maybe you had unresolved feelings and it may be the truth. However, unresolved feelings can range from a fight you had that was never fixed, or worrying about their well-being in an important interview, or maybe you feel guilty about something you may have done to them without their knowledge. Leaving it well enough alone would be fine for some people, but having to look anyone in the eye after you've "dream-fucked" would make any gathering awkward. The point is that there is something you need to say. You know what it is, we always do. If you don't, you'll be thinking about it before bed. Some people deal with their emotions by simply shoving them deep down where they can't hurt them. But at night some things we push down can float to the surface of our mind. No matter how small the reason, you're thinking about him. Get what it is off your chest or come nighttime, he'll be on yours.

Q: "When I'm driving to work, I'm often severely tempted to just not show up. Just call in sick, skip work and do nothing all day. Its not even a bad job or a negative workplace, I just don't feel like going. I've always had a strong work ethic, so its bothering me that feeling like this. Is there a way to make myself enjoy this job?"

First off, NO ONE LIKES WORK. Unless they have their dream job, no one likes the idea of waking up at a certain to go to a certain place every morning. Routine is important for humans in order to function to their Max potential, but let's face it, nobody likes the idea of being told what to do by a boss or by a customer. I can't tell you how many times I've been tempted to just skip the exit for my work and keep driving to Palm Springs. But it's that we have to do it that keeps us going. Your strong work ethic means that you would acknowledge this but do it anyway. However there's only so much our minds can take; if there's one thing I've learned from movies and real life it's that you can't force someone to like something. It never ends well. So now I'm calling the bluff on your work ethic: work toward finding something you do like. Even if it means having to put in a little extra effort to train for or get certified for it, it's this boring loop you're in that's really setting you back. If you don't dig the office you're working in, try becoming a chef. If you don't enjoy retail, strive for something slower paced that pays better. just because your workplace isn't negative doesn't mean you actually LIKE being there. Find what you like even if you have to shop around a bit. Otherwise you're one angry customer or irritable coworker away from getting triggered and blowing up the place.

Q: "I'm in college and getting my general ed classes taken care of when it dawned on me: I have NO idea what I want to do with the rest of my life! I'm afraid to ask my friends for help because I'll look stupid, and I don't want to ask my parents because they will get angry at me for wasting their time and money. Help!"

First of all let you in on a pretty little secret nobody knows what they want to do with their life a good chunk of the time. I had a friend of mine who wanted to be a weather girl, but then decided she wanted to work for a bank. I had another friend who wanted to be a manager at Disneyland, but decided that acting was more his style. I've even had friends who wanted to be forensic reporters, but ended up being bartenders instead because they enjoyed the atmosphere. I had a friend who wanted to be a chef, but then decided it was his dream to own a hotel. You shouldn't be afraid of not knowing what to do because honestly not all of us know. But the idea is that you should never stop searching. It's not a waste of time and money; some people I knew got to where they were by simply networking and searching and working hard.

And that's a chunk of what college is: finding what suits you best through various people you can meet. It's a gateway to a better life, but in order to reach it you need to try and look and research and learn. If you start to truly believe that college might not be for you, that's something you'll need to come to terms with before you've wasted four years of your life in that place. This idea that you have to be something wonderful and glamorous is something I've discussed with the above questioner: you need to figure out what you like doing so you can figure out how to get good at it. We don't always have the proper path in life from the get-go, it's up to us as people to find it. If it leads to one of the highest ranking hospitals in the world, or a small dive bar that's popular and that you own with the money you raised with your own two hands, you always need to pursue your dream wherever it takes you. And if it doesn't go the way you think, you need to follow the path it takes you on. Sometimes it's on that path that we discover what we truly want in life. If you need a push in the right direction, do you remember that colleges have counselors. That's what they're for after all: to counsel you. And don't be afraid of asking your parents for advice; a vast majority of them would rather have their son or daughter tell them out right that they're confused on where to go in life rather than simply being lost forever.

A part of discovery in life is sometimes looking at the insights of others.

...

Well it wasnt as short as I wanted it to be; sorry I can be a bit long-winded. -///-

In any case I hope it helped you and any others who need help in that same area. Advice is partly opinion, and I hope a few of mine gave you the insight you needed, nonexistent readers.

-Tydlhe

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Sorry for the temporary hiatus

Title explains it all, really. As I started this blog and my new job, I've not only just returned from a MUCH NEEDED Vegas Vacation, but am also preparing to move out of state. So don't fret, nonexistent readers, i will be returning!

As always, send any questions or much-needed pleas for advice to my inbox. Just because I'm getting stuff done doesn't mean I can't help those who want/need it.

-Tydlhe

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Party Too Hardy?

(Sorry for the delay, just came back from a Vegas Vacation. Needless to say, it kicked ass.)

The average Tumblr user is between the ages of 18-35, so for the most part, we are in the awesome part of life where we can really appreciate what it is to be alive. To make the the most of life and form memories and bonds that we’ll carry for the rest of our lives. All that crap aside, its really just the time where some of us like to party. A lot.

Some of us like to blast our musics, stay up all night, smoke a bit, drive fast, and yes, drink.

This post doesn’t apply to everyone. This one is for you: the party animal.

“I have a friend who loves to party excessively. Every time we hang out, we HAVE TO drink, even if we’re just playing video games or watching a movie, in hopes that we end up getting drunk and going out somewhere at the last minute. We can never just…chill. What do I do?“

For starters, there’s NOTHING wrong with having a drink between 2 friends whilst indulging in laziness.

But the problem you’re having is less with the drinking and more with the string attached to it. Not necessarily a sexual string, but the fact that your friend KNOWS what’s going to happen when event occurs, regardless of how you feel, means that there is a definite lack of communication.

Have you told your friend how you feel about this? Maybe you’re not really a party person, but that doesn’t mean you should let someone dictate what you’re going to do with your weekend. Even if it’s your best friend they should at least have enough consideration to realize that maybe “chill” just means “chill”. Your friend might be more of a party animal than you, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but you do need to realize that your feelings are valid too. If you feel like partying, party. If you don’t, then don’t. Simple as that.

If this irks your friend, then maybe they just need to find a new party mate It doesn’t mean necessarily that you two can’t be friends, but your friend needs to realize that you’re just not that person anymore. Not necessarily that you lost your claws per se, but more in the sense that you just can’t keep up with this person anymore. Or maybe you just don’t feel like keeping up. Either way, a friendship is a compromise; you both need to get something out of being with each other. Your friend clearly wants a party animal, and you want someone you can spend time with in a calm relaxing environment.

My advice would be to let your friend know how you feel. And maybe reach some sort of compromise; you can go out to a bar one weekend, then maybe just Netflix and chill another. Try expanding your circle of friends; it won’t lessen your friendship, and maybe they’ll find the partner in crime they so verily crave.

Some people crave the night life. Nothing wrong with that. But some of us crave a quieter life. (I’d like to think of myself as somewhere in between the two.) Nothing to lose a friendship over, but you should always be clear in any relationship, that you need to make your wants and needs clear. And if that person is a true friend that respect your feelings and try and work with it. And I imagine you would do the same for them. Which is probably why you put up with it for so long.

So for you party animals out there, party on. And for you introverts, I hope you enjoy that cocoa with your Netflix. -tydlhe

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Problems with customer service

Or more specifically, the customers. Its become a meme: the disgruntled customer service worker being all sassy and shit to the chick with the “let me speak to your manager” haircut and her 4 kids. It’s not easy to put on the Welcome face every day. My friends have asked me time and again:

~“I need this job, how do I get through the day without killing anyone?”

First off, I’m not going to argue over the conditions one’s life needs to be in to have to force themselves to do something they hate for money. Times are hard in this fast-paced world, and we don’t know everyone’s story. We do what we can and what we need to to make ends meet, so before we go any further: good job taking initiative.

You decided manual labor wasn’t for you (unless you didn’t decide that yet. In any case, give it a thought if you’re not happy where you’re at) and decide to go for something that seems easy on paper. And honestly, from experience, the jobs THEMSELVES aren’t hard. Whether it be stocking shelves, answering phones or customer questions, being a cashier, or even serving a table, the task at hand is usually pretty simple by default. But what makes that shit hard?

SHITTY CUSTOMERS.

Regular customers are no problem at all. In fact, some people take a small bit of satisfaction from helping a pleasant and polite person (weird huh?), and even a minimally polite person who says his please’s and thank you’s doesn’t take anything away from your day.

But the nightmare ones…those can sour any mood in a heartbeat. A couple of old coworkers back in the day called them “crusties”. They come in several types: ~The Ultra Specific: things must, even if premade, be made SPECIFICALLY to their tastes. What do you mean its extra? I’m the customer! ~The Lying: The label DID say 6.99! Even though it says its 7.99! Call the manager, there MUST be a mistake! ~The Wreck Handler: Go ahead kids, be like locusts and plague this store! They get paid to clean up after us after all; they should consider thabking us for giving them something to do! ~The “Last Time They Let Me Do This”: Yea it might be completely against the rules, but this person let me do it! Name’s not important, but they TOTALLY let me get away with it! (Variation of The Lying) ~The Drunk: I might be intoxicated and vulgar and loud, but you’re a very rude cashier. The only possibly dangerous type of the crusties. ~The Offended: You need to see my ID? What, you don’t believe me? Rude! ~The “I’m a Server Too So It’s Okay”: You had BETTER let me and my friends act like jerks; I work at a place!

In the customer service industry, you WILL encounter at least 2 in a work week. Heck, on our worst days, we might have accidentally gotten snippy with a cashier or server (with reason, bad service and rude employees). But the true definition of a crusty is one who is rude for literally NO REASON, and who indulges in any of the variations. They will ruin you. There are usually other factors contributing to a shit job (bad management, no business, understaffed) but for the most part the crusty is the main cause of strife in a high traffic customer service job, be it retail or food service.

Now that we’ve identified the crusty, what is the best way to avoid stress from having to wade through them on an almost daily basis?

For starters, think of it like dealing with a child (even if some of them come with kids). You can try reasoning with it, but if a crusty doesnt listen the first time, they’re still unlikely to listen to you the 2nd or 3rd time unless you’re the manager (and sometimes not even then!). So why waste the breath yelling back or repeating yourself more than twice? Why devote any stress to it? You’re doing your job, doing your best, protecting yourself and going by the book. That may not be the innvoative way to get through life, but you’re not here to innovate. If you can be flexible, be flexible. If you can’t, you can’t. No need to feel guilty or let them get you down.

Secondly, LET the crusty rant and rave about how awful things are for them. Bonus points if they yell. It makes them look HILARIOUS and only serves to further identify their crusty-ness. Your higher-ups will see this display of awful and silently take your side.

Lastly remember: ALL JOBS ARE TEMPORARY. You don’t need to be here if you have other options, which (without getting preachy) you should never stop looking into. Even if its another customer service job, make sure any other place you want to go to will be worth your time. A person screaming in your face that their cup has not enough ice in it will ALWAYS be a crusty. That’s a mostly permanent condition, but your suffering doesnt have to be. You can always look for something new. They choose to be a crusty and you chose to better yourself. So why devote any stress to it?

If you like serving, serve. But you’re perfectly free to do so in a crust-free environment. Let that get you through your day. You’ve got the power to control your destiny, while some are doomed to wallow in the crust they create.

-Tydlhe

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For the distant ones

Ever have one of those best friends you don’t see too often? One of those friends you wish you’d hear from more?

Tonight’s advice is for what to do when someone who is distant is giving you too much distance.

First off, it’s best to get to the root of why this happens. Anger? Busy with work? Living too far away? Depression? All valid reasons, but it is nice to be in the loop.

I’ve been on both sides of this; there have been times when I’ve been distant with my own friends and family, and I’ve had friends and people I’ve dated be very distant with me as well. And for all the above reasons as well.

Maybe you just don’t feel like seeing people. Life is complicated sometimes. Times are tough.

But for the person afraid their distant friend is preparing to cut them off completely, don’t fear just yet. Try to empathize and give them space, but do check up on them. Sometimes its just simple pride or some odd depression version of stubbornness that keeps us from reaching out for help when we need it. Extending the hand, even if it isnt taken, is sometimes the only gesture you need.

On the opposite side, for the person who needs alone time, and lots of it, try and keep the special people in your life in the loop. Let them know you need your space, but that you’ll come around when are back in place. Depression and suicide have been a prevalent thing in society nowadays, and one recurring theme is people telling others they had no idea the demons their deceased loved ones were facing. Things may not be getting that serious for you (though if they are, man up and reach out for help), so just let your people know you’re fine inside and out so they don’t worry and assert themselves into your personal space.

If distance is an issue, and that person is too far, plan a trip. Let them know they matter enough for you to make the drive. You might not be able to do it often, but once in a blue moon gives you time to catch up amd reassure them that your friend isnt going anywhere.

HOWEVER

If you are cutting someone out of your life because you plan on making it permanent, don’t tease the idea of “getting the gang back together” only for it to never happen. We take our own paths in life, and sometimes its an unspoken thing that you and some people will never meet again. It stinks, but its part of growing up. There’s nothing wrong with letting things peter out on both ends if you’re both simply not interested. But if things come to that, let it happen instead of trying to breathe life back into a friendship you aren’t even interested in. Broken promises and false friends are some of the worst things in a friendship.

In romance, don’t be afraid to break things off officially. A friendship and romantic relationship are a bit different; a romantic relationship implies the two of you are going to be spending a lot of personal time together, but if it isnt going to work out you should let the other know. Leading someone on and letting them be the only one trying to make things work romantically will only lead to resentment down the line for both of you.

In short, there’s nothing wrong with a little space, let your friends have their alone time. Just make that if they want to keep you around they need to let you know they’re still alive.

-Tydlhe

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For the night owls out there:

I’ve been asked about insomnia a few times during these past few weeks, both through PM and IM with friends. They (and myself sometimes) get bothered by the fact they JUST CAN’T FALL ASLEEP.

~“Why can’t I just lay down and fall asleep? Everyone else does it!” ~“Does anyone else get freaked out that they cannot sleep?” ~“What’s the best way to fall asleep quickly?” ~“What if I can’t get my sleep schedule back to normal?!”

Now, each of the above questions is pretty valid, but really take into consideration: why the fuck does it bother you that you can’t sleep at night? Some people have an easier time with it. I sure don’t (heck, I’m posting this at 430 am! I’ll get into why later).

Some of us are night owls. Some of us are nocturnal. We like the night life and all that. No need to feel anxiety that you can’t relax. Trying to relax, that’s a paradox. You either do or don’t, its no big deal.

But the anxiety for a lot of people is less that they can’t sleep and more that they won’t wake up in time for work/school/anything else on time. As far as quick ways to fall asleep, it varies. People all have their own ways of relaxing or unwinding. Do whatever suits you best. Try -drinking warm teas that help you fall asleep -listening to soft music/ASMR/nature sounds in the dark to relax -go for a walk to let off a little excess energy -warm milk -Zzzquil (no more than the recommended dosage) -melatonin (again, no more than recommended) - a friend of mine told me masturbating helps him fall asleep. Another girlfriend of mine agrees. -warm bath -reading -literally just shut everything off and close your eyes and imagine yourself relaxing on a beach or field or wherever the fuck your happy place is

Those are a few suggestions I’ve talked with people about or tried myself. Their effectiveness varies.

But what if you don’t have the resources or none of them work? What if you’ve become nocturnal forever???

So what? Your friends will understand. So will your family. Its about being ok with who you are and what you can do. Enjoy your night. Some people arent morning people, no matter how much damn sleep they get anyway. School? Take night classes. Work? Find a graveyard job (my temporary solution)

Maybe telling someone to accept their nightly fate is bad advice, but on the flip side you can’t stress that you can’t sleep, or you’ll have even MORE trouble relaxing! Things will be okay. Heck if anything try something I’ve done before: stay up all night (make you have the day off or you’re screwed) and all that day. Nighttime comes, boom you’re tired.

But remember, don’t try so hard to relax. Just let it happen. Everything will be okay if you let it be.

So good night folks and get a good night’s sleep. And for you night owls: carpe noctum.

-Tydlhe

[tydlhe-blog]

I’ve always been a contradiction: wanting to go out but preferring to stay in, craving drunken bliss but scared to lose control, needing to be bold yet being shy instead, trying confidence and coming out weak, tasting promiscuity on my lips but only breathing in the same smell of my own sheets. Maybe I’m not a contradiction after all.

taintedglass (via taintedglass)

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-Eckhart Tolle

[tydlhe-blog]

Welcome!

Welcome to Things You Don’t Like HEaring, an advice column/site/blog/thing that I created on an awful whim to answer your questions about love, life, and all those spooky things you need a little perspective on.

To start things off, let’s just say that while I have a desire to give people a little outside opinion on what’s what, my wording or phrasing might not be the friendliest. Harsh reality is a cruel mistress, but a wonderful teacher. Trust me.

At any rate, I believe that it is infinitely easier to ask a stranger you don’t know anything about for advice on a problem, foolhardy as it sounds, because impartiality (aka outside perspective) is usually more insightful than the opinion of a person you know who may just be telling you things you like hearing.

Which, if you gathered from the title of this blog, is not something we do here.

So why do I even give a shit about people I don’t know? I’ll be blunt: for the most part, I don’t. Not in a “your problems dont matter” type of thing, but in a “you don’t know me personally, thus I have no problem hurting your feelings in order to help you” way. Political incorrectness is not about offending people for fun, but more so about saying what you need to say regardless of how it makes someone feel, and that is what we’re all about here.

I’m slowly on my path in life to helping myself get to where I want to be, so why not help others?

Introduction’s out of the way, so let’s get started! Here are the rules: -All questions must be PM’d directly to me. I won’t answer any questions in the comments section, protecting your privacy and whatnot. -After asking me your question in my inbox, be sure to sign it how you want me to address you in the blog (if you want me to use your username or real first name, put that after your question) -As personal as some of your questions will be, I can’t advise you to do anything illegal or something that would hurt/kill anyone. As hilarious as it would be, violence isnt why we’re here. -If you don’t want me posting your question, don’t inbox me. The point is that someone else might have a similar problem and could benefit from hearing the answer to a question they might be too afraid to ask. -Be respectful. Both of me and the person with the problem.

That being said, feel free to ask anything, no matter how embarrassing or simple. Nothing is too dumb, nothing is unimportant. I might not answer them all, but I’ll do my best to help.

-Tydlhe (pronounced Tid-Lee)