twogethernewlifect

[twogethernewlifect]

10 Reasons Small Fights Become Big

The difference between healthy marriages and unhealthy marriages is not the volume of conflict, but the intensity of each encounter.

Two couples can squabble over the same issue. The first couple experiences the disagreement, confronts the issue, and within a short period of time it is as though the conflict never occurred. The second couple can face the same tension, but that frustration explodes in intensity, and years later one spouse can still remember the painful fight.

Why can the same issue be a minor blip on the radar of one couple and be a major explosion within the relationship for another couple?

The Difference Is Meekness.

Healthy couples operate with meekness which cushions the relationship in the midst of tense moments. Meekness is a word which was used with great regularity until the last century. As the divorce rate has exploded, the use of the word "meek" has greatly declined. It's a symbolic illustration of what is wrong with marriage. As meekness becomes foreign to us, conflict becomes common.

Tension is certain to arise within a relationship. Disagreements are had. Conflicting opinions are held. Wrongs are done. Conflict within a relationship cannot (and should not) be avoided. Yet it must be handled properly. While no one fights perfectly, healthy couples handle conflict in a restrained way. They fight within boundaries. They communicate with guardrails. They become more thoughtful when the tensions rise.

Restraint causes a couple to:

Stay on topic

Refuse to make the issue personal

Choose words wisely

Seek to solve the issue rather than win the argument

Work to understand as much as to be understood

Admit mistakes

Apologize

Overly communicate love and affection

Restraint Is An Example Of Meekness.

Meekness is not weakness. Pride has such an elevated standing in our culture that we often assume meekness is a negative quality. We confuse it with being weak, but meekness implies strength. Restraint assumes strength. It is power under control. It is strength which humbly submits itself.

Whenever a healthy couple experiences conflict, their frustration doesn't trump their wedding vows. They promised to love one another and even in the midst of disagreement, they continue to love. They submit their desire to be right on an issue to the greater purpose of being in the right with one another.

This doesn't mean they avoid a topic. If anything, meekness actually causes a couple to have more tension because meekness cannot remain quiet when a problem arises. It doesn't allow someone to be passive aggressive or manipulative. Meekness causes a spouse to speak, but it greatly influences how they speak. They may have the ability to have a sharp tongue, but in the moment their tongue is restrained. They may have the wit to win any argument, but they restrict their minds from being used improperly. They may have information which could hurt the other, but they view that information as off limits.

Love restrains us. It keeps us from using our strength for the disservice of our spouses. My strength should forever be used for the benefit of my spouse, never for her detriment. Meekness keeps my strength under control.

Unhealthy couples aren't meek. Whenever an argument appears, they do whatever it takes to win. A continual game of one ups-manship is played as each spouse tries to injure the other even more. A wife's tone is improper so the husband speaks louder. As he begins to yell, his wife's words become more personal. As she attacks him, he becomes angrier. His anger enrages her. Both partners negatively feed off of one another as the tension rises.

What begins as a tension about a specific issue, quickly grows into a fight over a variety of topics. Multiple issues are brought up as every past hurt or mistake is used as a weapon to injure the other. It's not unusual for a fight to grow to such an extent that the couple forgets what caused the original disagreement. All they know is how bad they hurt and how much they desire for the other to feel the same pain.

In unhealthy couples, neither spouse ever lessens the tension. Every action escalates the emotions. Because of this, little fights become major. Small disagreements threaten the relationship. And fighting becomes unbearable.

For this reason, some couples stop fighting. They can't take it. Issues are ignored. Words go unspoken. Hearts are hidden. It's understandable, but unfortunate. Other couples continue to fight. Each disagreement runs the risk of being the last, but they don't know how to stop. Every scenario has the potential to cause a major explosion. Meanwhile, healthy couples experience the same conflict about similar issues, but they gently navigate them without any lasting negative impact on their relationship. The primary difference is the presence of meekness. They learn the skills necessary to stay under control, to fight wisely, and to love even when they disagree.

If the tension rises, they step out of the specific issue and reiterate the big picture-how much they love one another. If someone's tone is wrong, they recognize the danger and soften their words. If another issue is brought up, they acknowledge that is another discussion for another time, but they come back to the original topic which began the conflict. If a personal attack is made, they call the attack "out of bounds" and remind one another what is acceptable and unacceptable in the midst of disagreement. If they are unable to fight as they should, they take a timeout, but always come back and finish the conversation. Because they fight in a restrained way, the argument always stays within its proper context. A small fight stays small. A little disagreement doesn't hurt the relationship.

10 Reasons Small Fights Become Big

If small fights often become big fights in your relationship, consider:

1. Do you move from the topic at hand to some other issue-often a past conflict?

2. Do you attack one another rather than the issue?

3. Do you try to win the argument at all costs?

4. Do you say whatever comes to mind rather than restraining your words?

5. Do you retaliate when you feel your spouse has hurt you?

6. Do you threaten actions like divorce or violence?

7. Do you belittle your partner and disrespect them?

8. Do you talk at your spouse more than you listen to them?

9. Do you blame your spouse and refuse to take any personal responsibility for the situation?

10. Do you storm in and out of conversations without explanation?

If you answered yes to any of these, it shows an absence of meekness.

"Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth."

As always, we pray our "shared" thoughts will evoke feelings of love and togetherness not spark the flames of fury, pray together, love together, and yes even learn to "Fight-Together"

See You in Church

Mark & Deb

Heavenly Father, teach us to love the way that we should-a husband and wife who are willing to give more than they get. Grant us the virtue of patience when we're frustrated with each other. Remind us to be kind regardless of our circumstances, and to be gentle when we're stressed out. Help us to use our words in ways that edify and encourage each other, and give us the strength to hold our tongues when we should. It's easy to love when life is going our way, but so often we're challenged. Time and again, our love is put to the test. We ask for Your strength during these times of testing, help us to fight for our marriage and to always choose love. In the name of Jesus we pray. Amen.

[twogethernewlifect]

No Time For Marriage

"There's just no time." There probably isn't a phrase we hear repeated more often from couples struggling in marriage, especially those who are in the middle of raising a family. They understand many of the characteristics of a happy marriage. They have read all the tips and suggestions of how to improve their marriage. However, when it comes down to actually doing the work necessary to make their marriage work, they feel incapable because of all the demands on their present schedule.

No one would deny the relationship between quality time and marital happiness. Couples have to regularly relate to one another to have any hope of success. When two people-either knowingly or unknowingly-fail to spend time with one another, their relationship is destined for failure.  

Yet what should a couple do when they feel like they don't have enough time to be happy?

When there's no time for marriage:

1. You Steal Time. Knowing the correlation between time spent together and marital satisfaction, a wise couple will always be on the lookout of ways to steal time-a text while sitting in a waiting room, a phone call in between appointments, meeting one another at home for lunch, etc. By stealing pockets throughout a week, a couple can feel a closer connection with one another.

2. You Make Time. Some couples might be busier than others, but you are not busier than everyone else. Consider-there is a couple with a happy marriage whose schedule is more hectic than yours. They have found a way to make it work, so should you. We all have the same amount of time in a week. If you want a healthy marriage, make the conscious decision to spend quality time with your spouse. If you don't make the time, you will never find the time. 

3. You Give Time. One of the joys of co-parenting is we can negotiate tradeoffs with our spouse. One parent can get up early while the other sleeps in. One can entertain the kids while the other goes for a run. By giving time to your spouse for them to rejuvenate or accomplish something they need to get done, they are more likely to have some time to give you.

4. You Refuse Time. Most couples never consider the need to restrict a family's commitments for the sake of protecting their marriage. If you never tell your children no regarding a sporting event, activity, and other time-consuming demands, you probably aren't doing a good job in prioritizing your marriage. Refuse to commit your family to some demands in order to save that time for your spouse. It may feel selfish but no one will benefit more from a happy marriage than your children. Not ALL Overtime is a blessing from above.

5. You Maximize Time. For many couples, they spend enough time together to have a healthy relationship, but it's the worst time of the day. Spending your worst hour with one another-when you are most exhausted and distracted-is of less value than spending your best 15 minutes together. If the only time you interact with your spouse is at the very end of the day, you aren't giving them your best time. Figure out when you are at your best and find a way to give your spouse some of that time.

Creating a happy marriage is not an easy task. In our fast-paced world with a multitude of demands, it's easier to choose a variety of pressing issues over spending time with our spouse. Yet happy couples have a habit-they find a way. Longing to be with one another, they use every tactic possible to find a way to be with each other.

Unhealthy couples forever live in the delusion that they simply don't have the opportunity to be happy with one another. They find an excuse for every reasonable suggestion and slowly allow their relationship to die. When there is no time for marriage, steal it, make it, give it, refuse it, and maximize it because without it, your marriage cannot thrive, and may not survive.

Thanks for making and taking the time to read our weekly "little shared" thoughts on life and love, we trust the investment pays huge dividends in your marriage and your faith-walk. 

See you guys in Church Mark & Deb

Heavenly Father, bring peace to the situations that stress us out most. Teach us how to work through them instead of putting them off and ignoring what has to be done. It's so much easier to procrastinate than it is to face our troubles head on. It's easier to put things off for tomorrow, but in doing that we create an atmosphere of chaos and confusion. Your Word tells us that You're not a God of confusion (1 Corinthians 14:33). You're a God of peace, a God of order, and a God of completion. And so we ask that you help us to reflect this in our own lives as we strive to order our priorities and manage our time. Take away our excuses, and exchange them for action. Take all of our fear and exchange it for courage. Take all of our doubt and exchange it for faith. In the name of Jesus we pray. Amen.

[twogethernewlifect]

7 things never to say to your husband

The stereotype is of the insensitive husband saying stupid things to his wife. It's a fair stereotype because it happens on a regular basis. However, saying inappropriate things is a two-way street... Women can also say things that are hurtful or destructive. 

Last week we looked at 7 Things "Men" Should Never to Say to their Wives... But certainly did not want to leave the ladies "out" ... lol Understanding that it always takes two to tango, let's each own our part and learn to say better things than we read last week [Men] and avoid the following...

Here are seven things never to say to your husband:

1. If You Really Loved Me, I Wouldn't Have To Tell You... Maybe your husband should know what he shouldn't have done or what he did do. Maybe he should have learned enough by now to understand why you are upset. But he doesn't, so you need to tell him. The only way for him to ever understand you is for you to regularly communicate how you feel. Assuming he should know is not productive. Making him play the guessing game drives you away from a healthy relationship and not to it. Be kind. Be clear. And tell him [again] what is wrong.

2. You're A Pervert... I regularly get the question from wives, "Is my husband a pervert?" When they tell me why they fear he might be, I often respond, "Nope. He's just a man." For women who grew up in ultra-conservative homes where sex was seen as shameful, some common desires from men are viewed as signs of perversion by their wives. Having a normal sex drive defined as perversion is damaging. Of course, some men do ask for perverted acts by their wives and those acts should be rejected, but don't define his whole heart because of one aspect. It's fair to call an act for what it is. If he asks for something God clearly calls off limits, call the act what it is-"No, that is perversion." Call out the act, but not the person.

3. I'm Fine... Don't say it if it's not true. If you truly are fine, then feel free to tell him so. However, if you aren't fine, don't lie to him. Lies never help marriage. Tell him the truth. Understand why you feel the way you do and what he may or may not have done to contribute to that feeling. Own your feelings and clearly communicate them to him. Until you do, don't expect him to know what is going on.

4. I'm Fat... Maybe you are. Clearly you feel like it. But what do you want your husband to say in response? Are you searching for a compliment? Then tell him you don't feel confident and need help. Are you trying to divert his attention from sex? Then tell him you aren't in the mood, but tell him a specific time and place of when you will have sex. Explore the real issue and discuss that. Don't downplay your looks and watch your husband struggle to figure out how to respond.

5. Don't Be A Wimp... Never hint, joke, or intentionally attack your husband's masculinity. Speak into who he is as a man, don't question it. Any time a wife questions the manhood of her husband, it drives him away from her. It may not feel like a major issue for a wife, it might even feel playful, but the damage can be significant.

6. You're Just Like Your Dad... (Or, You're Not Like My Dad.) Never contrast your husband against another man in a negative way. If you want to compliment your husband, it is far better to compare him to a man you respect. Saying, "I love how you listen to me like your dad listens to your mom" or "I love how you sing to the kids the way my dad sang to me" are great compliments. However, you should never negatively contrast your husband with another man, especially your dad or his dad. It just doesn't help. Use family to compliment, not to critique.

7. Do You Find Her Attractive? Maybe this is acceptable with someone you don't know (i.e. someone in a movie), but don't test him with your friend, sister, or co-worker. It's a no win. Every husband should have men in his life to whom he is accountable regarding boundaries with other women, but he needs space to be honest. When a wife asks this question, it can feel like a game of gotcha-you're wrong whether you lie or tell the truth. Ladies... Ladies, are you still with us? We hope so, because we really believe that this week's and last week's TwoGether's "shared" thoughts can totally be game-changers for your communication skills. As important as is that we talk with each other, it is equally as important that we learn the RIGHT things to say, and avoid the WRONG things to say...

Be Blessed See You In Church Mark & Deb

Wives: What have you said which you later regretted? Husbands: What should be number 8?

Heavenly Father, help us to stand strong when the winds of change are against us. When they tell us that the Bible is simply a book, that You don't exist, that guilt and conviction are wrong, and that old-fashioned values have no place in this changing world-give us the strength to hold onto our faith. You're the same God You've always been. The same God yesterday, today, and forever. Your truth is constant-Your wisdom consistent. It doesn't matter what others think or what they might say, we want to focus our marriage on truth. We want to follow Your will for our lives, regardless of how unpopular our choices might be. But we need Your strength if we want to stand strong. Give us the courage to tune out the world and tune into Your voice. In the name of Jesus we pray. Amen.

[twogethernewlifect]

7 things never to say to your wife

Knowing what to say is never easy. Communication is one of the most difficult aspects of being human. We have to talk, but our words can do tremendous damage. Marriage doesn't make it any easier. While committing our lives to one another should give us some freedom to make mistakes, there are some things we should never say to our wives. Last week we looked at seven things wives should never say to their husbands. Here are 7 things never to say to your wife, gentlemen "listen, learn, and live!"

1. Is It Your Time Of The Month? You can wonder it. You can be more compassionate because you think it might be so. But never, and I MEAN NEVER, ask that question in the midst of a serious discussion. The question diminishes the feelings of our spouse. It causes her to think we are not taking her point seriously. It allows her to assume she is not being heard. It communicates that we think she isn't in control of her thoughts or emotions. If your wife wants to connect her cycle with her current emotions, that is her right, but a husband should never do so.

2. You're Just Like Your Mother (When Not Meant As A Compliment). If your wife adores her mother, it's possible this could be said as a compliment. My wife would take it as so. However, if there is any hint of negativity regarding the statement, do not say it.

3. My Mom Never Did That. Other variations of this would be: "You're starting to sound like my mother." "Maybe you should ask my mother how to cook that." The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law can be a tough one. Never complicate the interaction by comparing one to the other in a negative way.

4. What You Need To Do Is ______. There are times in which a husband can give his wife advice-when she asks for it. If your wife specifically says, "What do you think I should do?" It is expected that you should tell her your opinion. However, if she is simply telling you about a situation, keep your opinions to yourself. In most cases she doesn't need to be told what to do; she needs you to hear how she feels. If she feels heard, she will figure out what to do. Listen to her, don't fix her. Instead of saying, "What you need to do is _____." Try saying, "What do you plan on doing?"

5. Just Do It Later. This is often said with great compassion. A husband sees his wife working too hard and desires her to rest. It's said with compassion, but it isn't heard with compassion. Many times wives hear this statement as though their husbands are annoyed by their hard work or their husbands actually think their wives won't be as busy later as they are now. Instead of saying, "just do it later," try saying, "How can I help you?"

6. Why Are You So Tired? If you don't know the answer to that, spend a day doing what she does. Of course your wife is tired. Consider everything she is doing on a daily basis. Women are notorious for being horrible about taking care of themselves. They do everything for everyone and rarely take time to rest or rejuvenate. This is exhausting. At minimum they have the right to expect their husbands to see their weariness. Instead of saying "Why are you so tired?" try saying, "How are you not exhausted?"

7. You're Crazy. If she is crazy, telling her she's crazy isn't going to help [and could actually be detrimental to your health and physical well being]. Chances are she is not crazy. Men and women see the world in different ways. These differences can normally be explained by differing perspectives, not a difference between right and wrong. Calling someone crazy means their ideas aren't even worth considering. This devalues your wife and injures your relationship. Instead of saying, "You're crazy," try saying, "I have a differing opinion." It contrasts your ideas from hers, but it does so while still validating that her viewpoint is legitimate.

Bonus: number 8 is saved for Deb. The one line she never wants me to say is:

8. Can I Teach You Something? I don't know why I say it. I've said it for years. In my defense I learned it from someone that was always "teaching" people how to "do" things better. For me it sounds totally reasonable, like I'm genuinely trying to help her grow. But I have learned [yes, the hard way] that it sounds totally different to my bride. [Go figure] Anyway I'm swearing off saying it. Not to everyone, just Deb. For the rest of you husbands out there "I hope I've Taught you something" this week with our silly little "shared" thoughts about what NOT to say, our hope is that you have figured out from the "negative" what is you should be saying...

See you in Church Mark & Deb

Wives: What would you add to this list?

Husbands: Would you be brave enough to ask your wife what is one thing she wishes you would stop saying?

Heavenly Father, learning from You, we've discovered there's a difference between forgiving each other, and being a good forgiver. A good forgiver doesn't bring back the past again and again. He looks forward instead of looking behind. A good forgiver is quick to forgive. She doesn't harbor her anger for hours on end, but rather she leaves it at the foot of Your throne. A good forgiver doesn't keep score. He doesn't add up all of the times he's been hurt or keep a tally of who apologized last. A good forgiver looks to You for example instead of mirroring the actions of others. Teach us to be good forgivers, Lord. Teach us to walk in Your will. In the name of Jesus we pray. Amen.

[twogethernewlifect]

10 Signs You DON’T Need Marriage Counseling

At some point in their relationship, every couple could probably benefit from marriage counseling. We all go through difficult seasons of life in which getting the perspective of a professional can be useful. While marriage counseling is not a magic bullet, it is the most likely path for a couple to find improvement. Without intervention, a relationship is unlikely to improve….

But not every couple needs marriage counseling. Even if problems exist, some issues can be navigated without outside assistance. We are going to “break” this TwoGether into two parts, we want you to take the time to discuss and process each of these 10 factors so we are going to do 5 this week and 5 next week…  

If these 5 things are true, you don’t need marriage counseling:

1. You Feel Heard, Understood, And Valued Even When You Disagree. No Couple Agrees On Everything. Even the best couples have issues which they cannot solve. While finding a resolution is an important goal, it is more important that both spouses can listen and learn in such a way that the other spouse feels heard, understood, and valued. If your spouse doesn’t listen to your viewpoint, doesn’t do the work to understand your thoughts, and does not make you feel valued in the midst of the conversation, you probably need to seek outside help for your relationship.

2. None Of The Three A Words Are Present... This is an easy one. If any addiction, abuse, or adultery is present in your relationship, you must seek help. You can’t ignore or deny it. You also can’t fix it on your own. All three A’s have to do with the offender, but both spouses will need to seek counseling to find a new path to action.

3. As A Couple, You Share The Ability To Learn New Skills And Apply Them To Your Marriage. A couple that can learn and apply their knowledge to their relationship has unlimited growth potential. When they have a problem, they recognize it, learn about it, and change it. If you can do this, a book or seminar could easily replace counseling.

4. You’re Moving Toward (Or Already Have) Your Financial House In Order. Money can create a great deal of tension in marriage. Many couples could benefit from having an outside adviser call out their bad spending habits and assist them in making wise financial choices. If you are living off of less than you make, are saving for both short term and long term needs, and are giving generously, you don’t need help. If that is not your current path, counseling may help.

5. You Trust That Your Spouse Has Your Best Interest At Heart And You Feel Free To Reveal Anything To Them. When trust is present, a healthy relationship is highly likely. However, when trust is lost, so is the likelihood of relational health. A great test of trust is how willing a person is to openly communicate with their spouse. Secrets are a sign that trust is absent. Where trust is absent, help is needed.

Marriage counseling rarely hurts. We would much rather someone seek counseling and not need it than someone avoid counseling when it is their only hope for improvement. While we might all go through a season in which we need help, not every couple needs to seek counseling. If these five things are true in your relationship, be grateful for what you have and do the work necessary to keep improving, and be sure to tune in next week for part two…

Trusting as always that our “shared” words of hope bring conversation not conflict, healing not hopelessness..

See you in Church Mark & Deb

Heavenly Father, help us to inspire the best in each other. May our love and encouragement spur each other on to growth and good works, and may we provoke a sense of worth in each other. When we inspire someone, we breathe life into them. When we discourage others, we drain them. Help us to be that life breathing force. Help us to reinforce the work You have called us to do by supporting each other in prayer and edifying one another with our words. May we stand at the sidelines cheering each other on to be the best we can be and may it all be done for Your glory. In the name of Jesus we pray. Amen.

[twogethernewlifect]

The Easy Road to a Bad Marriage

Bad marriages share one thing in common-an individual or couple who consistently chooses to do whatever feels easiest in the moment. When struggling to decide between two courses of action, ease always wins and with it comes an unhealthy relationship.

It's Guaranteed. What's Easiest In The Moment Is Rarely Best In The Long-Term. If a spouse has a pattern of always doing what is easiest, the relationship has little chance of experiencing success.

The Easy Road

Conflict. The hard work is to figure out how to properly navigate the conflict in a way that causes both partners to feel heard, understood, and a part of the negotiated resolution. The easy work is to either avoid the conflict all together or to lash out in such a way that your spouse backs down.

Sex. The difficult work is to nourish a healthy sexual relationship throughout every season of marriage. It requires openness, trust, sacrifice, and a willingness to freely communicate. The easy work is to make sex all about you and to use your spouse for your own sexual pleasure.

Friendship. It requires time, energy, and effort to maintain a healthy friendship in the midst of a busy life. Intention is required and forethought is demanded. It's easier to simply hope that a close friendship will just happen without any effort on our part.Within a relationship, spouses are continually facing the choice between doing what is easy in the moment or choosing something which immediately offers more difficulty. In nearly every case, the harder road is the better road.

Why to Avoid the Easy Road

Common sense tells us to avoid difficulty and navigate toward ease. Why would anyone forgo an easier route for something which is guaranteed to be more difficult? The reason is not because of how each road begins, but because of the direction to which they lead. What is easy now, becomes difficult later. What is difficult now, becomes easy later. It's easier in the short-term to avoid tension and keep a pseudo-peace. However, if a couple consistently pushes disagreements aside, those issues will add up. Eventually the collective frustration will cause an explosion. What's easy now is hard later. But if a couple will do the difficult work of dealing with a tension when it first arises, the circumstance will be handled before it grows. A tough conversation today can lead to peace tomorrow. Healthy couples consistently choose the hard road today because they know the long-term payoff will be to their benefit. They would rather endure small amounts of struggle today in order to experience freedom tomorrow rather than continually pushing off tough issues to the future. Their ability to delay gratification creates success.

The Easy Road Will Kill You

The most visible circumstance in which this choice between the hard road and the easy road is made apparent is in times of great trouble. A couple sits in the Pastor/Counselor's office. Tears are flowing. The relationship seems over. Mistakes have been made. Tensions are high.The future is unknown.

Here is what they are told: "You have two choices. There is a way that looks easy. You can run. End the relationship. Never have to figure out what went wrong or how you can make it right. Or there is a hard way. It will be grueling. You'll need a counselor. You'll have to put everything you have into making this marriage work. It will be personal, difficult, and emotionally taxing. It will feel like a roller coaster. But know this-what starts out hard will get easier. You'll learn how to relate to each other. You will figure out how to have a good marriage. If both of you do the work, you will discover a marriage far better than you could have ever imagined and you will never regret having done the work." Most people choose the easy way. Because they can't see the destination of where each road leads, they choose what is easiest in the moment and unknowingly go the way that leads to greater unhappiness. Thankfully, a few have the faith to do what is difficult in the moment but most successful in the end.

The Hard Road

It never seems like the most appealing route, but choosing the hard road is always worth it. It's never easy to: Admit you are wrong... Ask for forgiveness... Confront an issue.... Learn a new skill... Confess a struggle.... Get counseling.... Have a tense conversation.... But it is always worth it. Those who can do the hard things today are much more likely to face an easier tomorrow. Those who choose the easy things today are destined to experience difficulty tomorrow. The easy road [always] leads to a bad marriage. Jesus said, Enter by the narrow gate. For the gate is wide and the way is easy that leads to destruction, and those who enter by it are many. For the gate is narrow and the way is hard that leads to life, and those who find it are few. Matthew 7.13-14 Deb and I know that even "reading" our little "shared" thoughts consistently week after week after week is NOT the Easy Road, but we honestly believe and pray these "shared" thoughts and feelings help you grow not groan... See You in Church Mark & Deb Heavenly Father, it's not politically correct to walk in the truth, we know that, but that doesn't change the truth. It's not popular to follow a God Who calls us to walk in humility, esteeming others higher than ourselves, but we're not hoping to please them. We're seeking to serve The One who calls us to be holy even as He is holy. It's not common to see couples standing together through sickness and health, supporting each other when the going gets tough, and staying together till death do them part, but we're not willing to go with the flow. We're determined to walk in Your will, Lord. We're determined to finish the race. Your Word tells us that we are a peculiar people, chosen to declare the praises of Him who called us out of darkness, and into his wonderful light. And so we're declaring Your praises, Lord. Popular or not, we're placing our marriage into Your hands to shape us according to Your perfect plan. In the name of Jesus, we pray. Amen.

[twogethernewlifect]

Seven Intentional Daily Steps:

If a successful marriage requires intentional actions from two people, what does intention look like on a daily basis? While there are times in which being intentional requires major sacrifice, most marriages can benefit from small steps taken with purpose. 

If you want to change your marriage today, here are 7 actions to take every day. Seven Intentional Daily Steps: 1. As Your Day Begins, Connect With Your Spouse... Even if it's just a moment, find a way to bond with one another before you walk out the door. For some, it might be lingering in bed for a few moments. For others it might be an extended hug before you rush out the door. If one spouse leaves early before the other is out of bed, it is might be a meaningful kiss on the forehead as the spouse still sleeps. Whatever it takes, remind yourself and your spouse that you are in this together. 2. Make An Intentional Choice To Love Your Spouse Today...  Do this not just in theory, but in practice. In order to love, you must consider what they might face today. What are they worried about? What are they nervous about? What is different about today from other days? This requires listening, understanding, and considering them above yourself.

3. Ask Your Spouse, "What Is One Way I Can Help You Today?" Maybe this is a text message sent midway through the morning. Maybe it is a question before you leave the house. In whatever format works for you, make yourself available to assist your spouse in a meaningful way. Your schedule may not afford you the opportunity to do "all' they need but make every effort to help them. Just asking the question will help you understand what kind of day they will face and can give you empathy toward them. 4. Build In Reminders Throughout Your Day To Think About Your Spouse. Left to chance, we are more likely to remember our spouse in negative ways-what they forgot, what they have failed to do, what we wish they would have noticed. Instead, we should intentionally think about our spouse throughout the day in positive ways. Reflect on good memories, strengths, and create true appreciation for one another. Try this, every time you touch your wedding ring, think about your spouse in a positive way. Learn to intentionally touch the ring throughout the day in order to remind yourself of them. 5. Find Ways To Steal A Few Moments Together... Run by the house while you are out for lunch. Sneak in a phone call between meetings. Play hide-and-seek with the kids, but you and your spouse hide in the same spot. It's amazing how meaningful small moments can be. To improve your marriage, the biggest impact may be found in the smallest of changes. 6. Before Your Day Is Over, Reconnect... The best way to reconnect is to talk with one another. Having a meaningful conversation without distraction can quickly connect a husband and wife. Take a walk. Mute the TV. Cuddle in bed before you go to sleep. Just find a way to have a real conversation about something. Watch carefully how you begin and end each workday. As best as possible, launch into the day together and return home to one another when the day is done. If you connect at the beginning and end of each day, you will feel a deeper level of intimacy. 7. As You Go To Sleep, Gives Thanks For Your Spouse... Realize your marriage is bigger than you. Recognize that while imperfect, you are fortunate to have one another and to have been given another day to do life together. Thank God for what you have and vow to make tomorrow even better if he grants you another day. Intention within marriage does not always require major changes. In many ways, an intentional marriage is one in which small transitions of thought have a dramatic impact. But a successful marriage does demand effort. We trust as always that our "Intentional" little "shared" message brings you comfort and provokes conversation and transformation... Be Blessed Mark & Deb Heavenly Father, a good friend is someone you can run to in times of trouble. A good friend is someone you can trust with your heart. A good friend is someone who finds you in the dark and carries you back to the light. Help us to be that friend. Help us to be a safe place for each other. Teach us to handle each other with care. Give us the wisdom to encourage each other and give us the right words to say that we might uplift and edify one another. And finally, thank You for being our safe place of protection and strength. In the name of Jesus we pray. Amen.

[twogethernewlifect]

Can You Tell Your Spouse The Truth?

If you can't tell your spouse the truth, you have a problem. It may not cause divorce. It doesn't guarantee your relationship is bad. You may not even be able to feel the negative effects on your marriage. But it is a problem.

Marriage should be a place where the truth flourishes. Because the two people are completely committed to one another. Because they have promised to love one another in every circumstance. Because they are FOR one another in very tangible ways. Because they are willing to sacrifice their own desires in order to assist one another.

The truth should be a defining characteristic of the relationship.

But often it is not. In many relationships, the truth, not only doesn't define the relationship, but actually is rarely present. The marriage is built on deception, silence, implications, and lies. These are symptoms of an illness. And they should be quickly treated before the sickness grows and infects an expanding aspect of the relationship. By nature, humans lie. It's not a learned behavior. It just happens. From an early age, we believe deception is better than truth. While it can be cute when a two-year-old says they haven't eaten anything even as remnants of an Oreo cookie is all over their face, it's not as cute when a husband conceals his whereabouts or a wife says she is "fine" even when she is not.

Spouses lie for several reasons: 1. We have something to hide. Some lies are byproducts of other bad choices. I'm yet to meet a spouse who fully told the truth even when they have been caught in an affair. At first, they try to cover-up or downplay the activity. One reason people lie is because of not wanting to get caught in their bad choices.

2. We don't feel safe. Some lies aren't byproducts of our actions but are a sign we do not feel safe to tell the truth. We may fear rejection or shame. Maybe our spouse has not handled the truth well in the past or we project on our spouse the actions of some other authority figure in our lives. In these cases, the truth is something we could say, but we don't feel the ability to say it.

3. We think our spouse isn't worth it. The truth can hurt. It can cause tension and reveal problems. If we do not value our marriage or our spouse, it can be easier to lie. Why have the serious discussion when a lie can avoid it? Why reveal your true heart if you don't truly love your wife? When I value my spouse, the difficult conversation is always worth it because I'm in it for the long-haul. But when I don't value my spouse, I might be more worried with how I feel today rather than what happens tomorrow.

4. We think that we aren't worth it. Many lies are a form of self-protection. We believe if our spouse sees who we truly are, they will not (and even cannot) love us. We think this because we do not believe we are valuable. The sadness of this type of lie is it robs our spouse of the opportunity of giving us grace and true love. Over time, we can actually begin to believe they are not loving us well, never realizing we have taken from them any opportunity to express their love.

5. We think we need to control our spouse. Many lies are not attempts to protect ourselves, but are an attempt to control others. We tell people what we want to tell them expecting them to react the way we think they should. In a healthy marriage, one spouse doesn't try to control the others as both individuals are free to be themselves. In an unhealthy marriage, manipulation and control are common place.

6. We know no difference. Some people are taught from a very early age to lie and they know of no other way to be in a relationship. Because it is all they have seen, it is all they know, so it is all they do. Unfortunately, their lying prevents them from ever having a true relationship. Anything built on a lie is a pretend world which does not truly exist. Until the lies stop, a healthy relationship cannot grow.

Truth Is A Learned Skill Spouses must learn to handle the truth. We must build a pattern of truth-telling so that a deep level of trust is created. As we repeatedly tell the truth, we see how truth-telling liberates the relationship and frees us from many other bad behaviors-lying, manipulation, masking feelings, hypocrisy, etc.

As we honestly tell the truth and humbly hear the truth, we can create a climate where the truth defines who we are.

Consider this quote by Timothy Keller in his book The Meaning of Marriage: "One of the most basic skills in marriage is the ability to tell the straight, unvarinshed truth about what your spouse has done-and then, completely, unself-righteously, and joyously express forgiveness without a shred of superiority, without making the other person feel small." (page 165)

Keller's words show a clear pattern for truth telling. A marriage in which the truth is regularly told, requires: Humility. Both spouses must realize their imperfections and expect them from themselves and their spouse. They may never overestimate their ability or consider themselves better than the other. Mercy. Marriage demands we give and receive mercy. Without it, the difficulties of marriage will create too much tension for any relationship to survive. Shared Purpose. Unless the marriage is about more than just personal pleasure, truth has very little chance of being a defining characteristic. When a couple sees their relationship as having a higher purpose (contributing to the communal good, impacting children, influencing society, bringing glory to God) then a couple is more likely to do the hard work of learning to tell the truth. A Simple Question It's an easy question, but one with great ramifications. Can you tell your spouse the truth? If the answer is no, there is a problem. It doesn't mean your relationship is bad, but it does reveal an opportunity for growth. We are praying today that these little nuggets of "shared" truth will set your marriage free, freedom to share, freedom to communicate, freedom to forgive, freedom to love, freedom to be YOU. See you in Church Mark & Deb Heavenly Father, help us to be "honest" help us accept our differences. Help us to see the unique way that You formed us, and to understand that we were both created according to plan. Please help us to nurture the gifts we see in each other. And may those gifts be sharpened and strengthened and used for Your glory. Neither of us are perfect, which is why we need your strength in our lives. Our personalities are different, and sometimes those differences bring hurt and confusion. So we ask that you teach us to love as You love, with patience and grace. Grant us the humility, and the honesty to see what we need to improve, and wisdom to make those changes. In the name of Jesus we pray. Amen.

[twogethernewlifect]

Greater Days!

Great things are done by a series of small things brought together!

Great live are built by small choices to move in the RIGHT direction!

Great marriages are BUILT not discovered!

We heard recently about met a man who's trying to keep his marriage intact he shared a heartbreaking (but familiar) story. They weren't trying to hurt each other, but they didn't seem to know how to stop doing it. He and his wife both brought some baggage and past hurts into the marriage, and while they do love each other, they just can't seem to move forward. It's like there's a dark cloud following them around and they can't seem to break free from it. As their story unfolded you could observe some unfortunately common, yet, unhealthy "habits" that were holding them back. This happens a lot. No couple wants their marriage to be dysfunctional, and yet, many couples live in perpetual dysfunction. They operate like two blind people learning to dance with each other...they keep stepping on each other's toes! It doesn't have to stay that way.

If you're one of the millions facing constant struggles in your marriage, your first step is to change your habits. If you've taken on any of these 5 common habits below, work to stop them and replace them with more productive practices. Don't lose hope! Every marriage goes through struggles. You can get through this.

Five Habits That Keep Marriages Stuck In A Rut...

1. Criticizing (Or "Nagging") Each Other.

The tone of your words will set the tone of your marriage. When you're frustrated, it's easy to fall into a pattern of speaking negatively to your spouse. When they're not doing what you think they should be doing, it's a natural tendency to "nag" them or respond with sarcasm or criticism. These habits are understandable, but they NOT helpful. Work to speak with encouragement and a warm tone even on those days you don't think your spouse "deserves" your encouragement.

Forgiveness simply means loving someone enough to pursue healing instead of punishment when they have wronged you.

2. Using Sex As "Leverage."

When a marriage gets into a rut, there's rarely intimacy inside or outside of the bedroom. A bad habit that can form is when sex is used as "leverage" meaning it's given only as a "reward" for certain behaviors or withheld as a "punishment" for other behaviors. This can slowly sabotage the trust and intimacy in your marriage.

 3. Avoiding Meaningful Communication With Each Other.

When couples get into a "funk," they usually start pulling away from each other. Even when they in the same room with each other, they may still be in two different worlds. Their communication is surface-level (when it's not angry). Pulling away is a natural response when we feel misunderstood, angry or hurt, but those are the moments when we need to run towards each other. Make communication a priority. Open up about your feelings in a way that isn't blaming the other spouse. Share your heart. It's a big first step towards rebuilding the intimacy and trust in your marriage.

4. Confiding In Other People Instead Of Your Spouse.

When we feel disconnected in the marriage, there's a tendency to find that connect somewhere else whether through close friends or even through someone of the opposite sex (which can lead to a sexual or an "Emotional Affair.") In these vulnerable moments when you're tempted to find emotional connection with others, surround yourself with people who will give you wisdom and work to reconnect with your spouse.

Be VERY careful where you get marriage advice from. If someone doesn't love marriage, love God, love you and your spouse, they will not consistently give you healthy advice.

5. Fantasizing About A Life Without Your Spouse.

Once you get into a negative mindset about your spouse and your marriage, eventually you'll most likely entertain some fantasies about how much better life would be if you were single or married to someone else. If you are to this point, we would encourage you to get some help through professional counseling or try one of these books we recommend below... Remember, don't lose hope! every marriage goes through struggles. You can get through this.

The Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage.... By: Michele Davis

I Don't Want a Divorce: A 90 Day Guide to Saving Your Marriage..

By: Dr. David Clarke

Deb and I are praying these "shared" words of wisdom and hope make your marriage, your hearts, and your home GREATER!

See you In church

Mark & Deb

Heavenly Father, help us to accept our differences. Help us to see the unique way that You formed us, and to understand that we were both created according to plan. Please help us to nurture the gifts we see in each other. And may those gifts be sharpened and strengthened and used for Your glory. Neither of us are perfect, which is why we need your strength in our lives. Our personalities are different, and sometimes those differences bring hurt and confusion. So we ask that you teach us to love as You love, with patience and grace. Grant us the humility to see what we need to improve, and wisdom to make those changes. In the name of Jesus we pray. Amen.

[twogethernewlifect]

Marital Communication

You Make No Sense!

A man called his neighbor to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway. They pushed and pulled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't budge. "Forget it," the man finally said. "We'll never get this in."

The neighbor looked at him quizzically and said, "In?"

Do you ever feel like you and your spouse are working against each other? Men, do you struggle with talking with your wife to the point that you feel she's speaking a foreign language? Women, do you need a crowbar to get your husband to open up and really talk...about anything? If you are still missing the mark in communicating with your mate, here are some suggestions.

Learn To Listen...

All of us, men and women, have got to learn to listen patiently. Not easy. Sometimes we assume we understand what our mate is saying, and instead of really listening to them when they are talking, we spend the whole time plotting our response. We mentally shoot down points that they may not even be making, and we miss their point entirely. Tragic but true.

Deb deserves to be heard, as does your spouse. I need to fight the temptation to "know what she is going to say." I must be quiet, stop and listen to her - and I don't just mean physical quietness, either. I need to refrain from mentally rehearsing my argument and really give her my full attention and focus. It validates who she is and respects how she feels. It fosters co-operation, rather than competition, between us.

In many couples there is one person who is more verbal and the other is less so. (Can you guess which that is for us?)Two thirds of the time the woman is more verbal than the man, but sometimes it is the man who talks more. It is especially important for the talker to learn good listening skills and to give your spouse the time to talk. If you feel like your spouse isn't communicative enough, make sure you're giving them a chance to open up. If you are filling the air with words, your spouse won't be able to share unless they are willing to fight for "air time." That isn't likely to happen, and instead it drives them deeper into privacy.

Seek Clarification Over Frustration...

How many times have you and your spouse had an argument, only to discover that the fight could have been avoided if you had truly taken the time to understand one another? Deb and I have had times where, as we worked through an area of disagreement, we discovered that we didn't really disagree at all...we only thought we disagreed because we were too impatient to fully understand one another. So many fights are escalated because we don't make the effort to clarify what the other person is trying to communicate. We say, "Well, I thought you said this ...", and it wasn't that at all. It's important to clarify. Clarifying is simply saying, "If I hear you correctly, I hear you saying this..." Then the other person says, "No, I didn't mean that, I meant this..." The spouse has a chance to restate themselves, to ensure they are understood. Perceived communication without clarification usually leads to frustration! No one wins.

Risk going deeper...

I f we want to truly understand another person, we need to take the time and the risk to communicate at a meaningful level. It starts gradually and progresses to more intimate, heartfelt discussion. You see, there are several levels of communication, and all have their place.

Cliché : When we communicate in clichés, we really aren't sharing anything of ourselves. It's all on the surface, like "Nice day, isn't it?" or "How about those Red Sox's!" It's easy to communicate at this level because there's no risk involved. We aren't personally invested in the conversation.

Fact : When we are dealing in facts, we are sharing what we know. We stick to surface details without passing judgment on them. For example, when our spouse asks us how our day was, we might say, "I spent all day in meetings," offering nothing more. It's a comfortable kind of conversation because, again, we are not sharing anything personal about ourselves.

Opinion : When we offer up an opinion, we move beyond the facts and share what we think about those facts. The level of personal vulnerability increases a bit. Instead of just saying, "I spent all day in meetings," we might say, "I spent all day in meetings. I think we should've been able to finish in an hour, but we kind of went around in circles."

Emotion : When we move from facts, to thoughts, to feelings, we really begin sharing something of ourselves. The risk increases, but so does the emotional connection with the other person as we allow them a glimpse at what is going on inside us. For example, "I spent all day in meetings. It was really frustrating, because I suggested a good solution early in the day, and it took six hours of discussion for my boss to agree to my plan. We could have been done in an hour!"

Transparency : Full transparency is the riskiest level of communication, because it's here that our heart is laid bare for another to see. We fear sharing at this depth because there is a chance we will be rejected when the person sees us for who we really are. For example, "Today was really difficult. I don't feel like my boss really values my contributions or trusts that I can get the job done. I think it's starting to rub off on me, because I find myself feeling inadequate."

The deeper we go, the more intimate the relationship becomes. A good marriage is one in which the couple is continuously growing in transparent disclosure. We need to seek to understand our spouse to their core. Rather than growing complacent or trying to fit them into your own mold, put in the effort to get to their heart. Just listen and let them express who they are. As you get to know their heart, you'll likely grow in your desire to be with them.

Remember: Differing opinions are not wrong

Men and women are different...and that's okay. I have different opinions than the guys I do business with. I have different opinions than those I work with at the church. I have different opinions with a lot of people. It doesn't mean that one of us is wrong. Mature people never make a difference of opinion a means of conflict.

Sometimes in a marriage, every area of disagreement automatically becomes a battle. It becomes a contest, with each partner trying to prove that they are right. Remember: it's okay to have different opinions. Now, there are times when you've got to come to agreement on decisions that need to be made, so those differences will need to be worked through. But we've got to drop this need to win fights, as well as the need to blame the other person. It's a trap that many couples fall into. Ultimately, what's more important: winning the fight, or having harmony in your home? Would you rather be right, or happy?

Resolve miscommunications at your best times

This one seems basic, but it's so critical. Fights get worse when you are tired or in a bad mood. I have to tell you, some of the worst fights in our marriage were late at night. It's now 1am, 2am, and it went from a level two fight to a level five or six fight just because of the time of day it was. We're bushed and we know we have to get up early. There may even be certain times of the month that are bad times for resolving disagreements. We will reach resolution more quickly if we do it at our best times. Schedule a time to work through your issues - a time that is good for both of you. Miscommunication gets resolved so much more quickly and peacefully when we are well-rested and prepared to work at it together. Don't shoot yourself in the foot by adding bad timing to your list of frustrations.

Learning to communicate with your spouse is a process. Yes, sometimes it feels like we are speaking different languages. But over time, and with enough effort, we can learn to understand one another: maybe not perfectly, maybe not 100% of the time, but at least enough to get that couch through the door!

We are praying that our "shared" communication helps you to communicate in more meaningful ways...

Mark & Deb

See you in Church.

Heavenly Father, we pray that our marriage would glorify You, and that our covenant would be a reflection of the covenant You freely offer those who believe on Your son, Jesus Christ. You word says that husbands are to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for it, and that a wife should submit to her husband as unto the Lord. Loving is easy until it requires us to lay down our lives and pick up our cross, and so we pray that You would give us strength as we seek to submit to Your will. Let our marriage be a testimony. Not just one that merely testifies of our love, but one that points others to Yours. In the name of Jesus we pray. Amen.

[twogethernewlifect]

3 Things To Do When You Get Mad

If you've been married longer than one day, chances are you've been mad at your spouse at least once and they've been mad at you too. 

When two imperfect people are put in close quarters and regular contact with each other (which should be happening in any marriage), then there will be times you hurt each other. In some ways, marriage is like two blind people learning to dance with each other...you're going to step on each other's toes sometimes!

We all get angry sometimes, but we tend to make our worst decisions when we're angry or frustrated. Below is a basic checklist of a few things to do and a few things not to do when you become angry with your husband or wife...

Try These:

1. Try Communicating Openly And Honestly. Don't be passive aggressive in your response. Don't say, "Nothing is wrong" when something is clearly wrong. Don't make your spouse guess why you're mad. Talk about it. Communication is the first step towards healing. Almost all relationship problems stem from poor communication. Be brave enough to strat a conversation that "matters."

2. Try Taking Responsibility For Your Part. There might be a few rare occasions when the problem is 100% the fault of your spouse, but the vast majority of time, you will have some responsibility too. Take responsibility for your role in the mess and it will be easier for your spouse to own up to his or her part. Sometimes we need to shut up, swallow our pride and accept that we where wrong, it's not about giving up, it's about growing up!

3. Try Working Through It Quickly. Don't let your grudge fester under the surface and then pull it out months later as ammunition in an argument about something completely different. Don't blindside your spouse with old dirt. Work through issues right away. ALL problems become smaller if you don't dodge them but confront them. [the opposite unfortunately is also true]

Don't Try These:

1. Don't Punish. Your spouse is your partner; not your child. It's your job to call them out sometimes, but it's never your job to punish them. There are natural consequences for our actions, but they don't need you beating them over the head or giving them the cold shoulder as a way to intensify their pain. It was Abraham Lincoln that said, "I have always found that mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice."

2. Don't Vent To Others. When your spouse has done something to irritate or hurt you, there's a natural tendency to complain about it, but it can be destructive when we do it. Don't get on social media and talk negatively about your spouse and don't get your friends together and complain about your spouse. That's toxic! A lot of problems in the world would disappear if we talked to each other instead of about each other.

3. Don't Retaliate. When your spouse makes a bad choice, it's an opportunity for you to offer grace, not permission for you to make a bad choice in return. Be quick to forgive. Grace creates a healthy marriage. One sure sign of Christian maturity is when somebody hurts us and we try to understand their situation instead of trying to hurt them back.

Well as I'm sure you know Deb and I NEVER get mad at each other.... Lol We trust our "shared" words and "lessons" learned will help spark love and life into your home today.

We are PRAYING for you, Mark & Deb

Heavenly Father, thank you for this covenant that we share. Thank You for our marriage, and the gift of a life-long companion and friend. This marriage is more than a than a contract, a piece of paper, or pledge. It's a holy union ordained by You-a blend of two lives growing together as one. Its love personified by Your power and grace. This marriage really isn't about us, Lord. It's about glorifying You through the way that we live. May we never cease to live out our vows. May we never take a single word lightly, or go back on a promise we made. Help us to be the couple we set out to be. Help us to fulfill each and every one of our vows, to love, honor, protect, and support each other through better or worse. In the name of Jesus we pray. Amen.

[twogethernewlifect]

The 7 Reasons Marriages Fail

The “Not” So “Magnificent Seven”

We have devoted a big part of our ministry lives to battling the epidemic of divorce and helping couples rediscover the timeless principles that lead to a strong and vibrant marriage.  

Along the way, we’ve noticed some patterns of behavior that usually lead to divorce. We’re convinced that if couples will stop doing these things, the quality of marriages will rise and the divorce rates will drastically drop.

In no particular order… here is our list of the 7 reasons why some marriages self-destruct, these always lead to doubt, distrust, disease, and eventually divorce!

1. Speaking Negatively To (Or About) Your Spouse.

When couples start nagging or insulting each other or complaining to their friends about their spouse, they’ve put themselves on the fast track to divorce. The tone of your words will set the tone of your marriage. The words you speak become the house you live in! So, think wise and think twice before you speak, because speaking badly about each other generates negative energy in us and around us, and it burns up the goodness.

2. Taking On A Win/Lose Mindset.

The only way two things can become one is when BOTH things sacrifice. Couples in trouble tend to see every disagreement with their spouse as a fight where there will be a “winner” and a “loser.” Healthy marriages recognize that a husband and wife are united and will always share the same fate, so in every disagreement, they will either win together or lose together, so they work together to find a solution where they can both win. No relationship is all sunshine, but two people can share one umbrella and survive the storm together.

3. Confiding In A “Friend” Of The Opposite Sex.

Once you find yourself having a conversation or sending a text message that you hope your spouse doesn’t find out about, you’ve stepped way out of bounds. Most affairs start as “friendships” that cross the line. The act of discussing or “confiding” your private “events” with someone outside the relationship may actually be more damaging than the so called “event.” Try talking to the person you actually are having the problem with.

4. Surrounding Yourself With Negative Voices.

People who choose divorce usually have friends who celebrate the “pursuit of happiness” even at the expense of your marriage and family. Surround yourself with people who love you, love your spouse and love God and their influence and wisdom will lead you in a better direction. Once you start to replace negative voices, people, and even thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having more positive results in life.

5. Basing Your Choices On Your Feelings Instead Of Your Commitments.

Our culture seems obsessed with Hollywood love stories and movies based on the feelings of love. This creates a huge problem, because our feelings are fickle (which is why most Hollywood marriages fail). A strong marriage is built on commitments, not feelings. If you make your choices based on commitments, your feelings usually have a way of catching up eventually. Commitment is what transforms dreams, promises, and desires into reality.

6. Starting Off The Wrong Way.

So many marriage problems could have been prevented before the marriage even started. If you’re reading this and you’re not yet married, please commit to starting your marriage off the right way. Read. Plan. Pray. Make an appointment with your pastor. Get off the blocks the right way, and the race is half won!

7. Giving Up.

The couples who make it aren’t the ones who never had a reason to get divorced; they are simply the ones who decide that their commitment to each other is always going to be bigger than their differences and flaws. It’s not about having the perfect relationship. It’s about finding someone who will be there through everything without giving up. I always tell Deb, “If you ever leave me, I’m going with you…”

Trusting these “shared” thoughts and principles will challenge and encourage your marriage, and birth hope if you are struggling…

We are praying for you today! Mark & Deb

Heavenly Father, teach us the art of protecting our marriage. Like watchmen who climb the tower at the city gates, train us to watch over our marriage and to keep it from harm. Any number of things can tear us apart if we let them. Temptation, stress, wrath, lust, unforgiveness, and pride are just a few of the ways that sin finds its way in. Like a hungry lion searching for prey, Satan wants to destroy our marriage and pull us apart. We don’t know when he will strike, or with what we’ll be tempted, but we do know that he’s lurking about. Prepare us to stand, Lord, whatever may come. Give us the strength to resist temptation and to cast sin aside. Strengthen the walls that surround us, fortify the bond that’s between us, and help us to build a strong fortress of faith. In the name of Jesus we pray. Amen.

[twogethernewlifect]

5 House Rules for Success

We interact with a lot of people, and almost all of them want to be "successful" in their marriages and their parenting, but we're surprised at how few people actually have any kind of definition for what "success" actually means for their family.

When asked, most folks sum up their philosophy by saying, "We're just trying to do the best we can," which basically means "We're aiming for a bullseye in the dark and we have no way of knowing whether we're hitting it or not."

Our families are far too important to exist without any real plan or definition for success. Legacy-defining issues of this magnitude can't be comprehensively addressed in a short email, but we want to give you some framework for how to start defining and achieving "success" in your own family for 2018.

Based on what the Bible (the ultimate family resource guide) says about these issues and the examples of some exemplary families in modern times and throughout history, we've boiled down these big issues into five key "House Rules" listed below. If you'll implement these in your own home, we're convinced you'll be on a path to "success" that will create a positive legacy in your family for generations to come: Remember, there are no perfect parents, and there are no perfect children, [or even Grand-children] but there are plenty of perfect moments along the journey, learn to see them, enjoy them, and repeat some of them. So here are our five house rules for "Successful" families...

As a "successful" family, we will always strive to...

1. Value Character Over Charisma. We don't want to be impressive; we want to be real. In our home, we will not compromise our integrity to achieve popularity, accolades or monetary gain. We understand that any "success" that happens at the expense of our character is not really success.

Any Success you achieve at the expense of your family is NOT real Success.

2. Give Each Other Unconditional Love AND High Expectations. Most families are good at one or the other (or neither) of these, but both are incredibly important. Love must be given freely and without condition, but simultaneously, we must love each other enough to expect the best. In love, we propel each other on towards continuous improvement in all aspects of life (career, health, faith, academics, etc.)

Love your family MORE than you love your possessions, money, career or hobbies, that other stuff can't love you back!

3. Be There For Each Other. Our families don't need more gifts or gadgets; they need more of us. They need our presence, not our presents. Our time is our greatest commodity and we should invest it into the relationships that matter most.

Be there for your loved ones in those moments that are important to them: not just the moments that are convenient for you. 

4. Always Tell Each Other The Truth. Trust is the foundation of every healthy family, so we will fight for trust and always expect truth and honesty from each other. When we've blown it, we'll be quick to admit it and we'll seek forgiveness and work to rebuilt trust.

5. Never Give Up On Each Other!

A "perfect family" is just a group of imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other! In good times, celebrate with each other. In hard times, lean on each other. In all times, do life together.

Well as we stated when we started no way to cover these in depth and actually these five rules only come "Alive" when they are lived out in a family, in the midst of all the laughter, the crying, the fighting, the making up.

We trust that 2018 will be a year of breakthrough and success in your family..

We look forward to continuing to "connect" and "Share" these little truths each week, and we are praying they bring hope, help and healing for this New Year.

We HOPE to SEE you in Church, Mark & Deb

Heavenly Father, thank You for this new year, and for Your unfailing grace that's upon us. Regardless of where we have been or what we have done, we find forgiveness and mercy at the foot of Your throne. Where would we be without grace? Where would we be without Your power and strength? This world would consume us if we didn't have hope. Our mistakes would define us if we didn't have grace. Thank You, Lord, for your unfailing love. Thank You for mercy that is new every day. As we look ahead to the new year, we pray for peace beyond the walls of our home and the borders of our country. Comfort those who are hurting-the ones who have suffered, the ones who have loved and have lost. Lay Your hand of protection upon the innocent. Bring justice to the wicked, and bring their hearts into obedience to the truth that they might see light. In the name of Jesus we pray. Amen.

[twogethernewlifect]

4 things God wants you to remember when life gets hard

You WILL Have Problems In 2018... What an encouraging promise for the New Year! Life will be hard; but it’s even harder if your stupid!

We want to help you be smarter, wiser, stronger in 2018.

We’ve all had days (and maybe even years) when life just doesn’t seem to be going our way! I’m not talking about spilling your $6 coffee, or being late [again] to drop your kids at pre-school, [there goes that mother of the year award, in the grand scheme of things, a stressful morning doesn’t impact life or eternity all that much, but in those longer seasons of joblessness, sickness, financial stress, marriage strain and other ongoing life events, the stress and frustration can seem overwhelming. Here are a few things we’ve learned to remember in those challenging seasons of life that have helped us, and we pray that as a 2018 opens they help you as well!

4 Things God Wants You To Remember When Life Gets Hard

Remember……. 

That Your Character Should Always Be Stronger Than Your Circumstances.

We can’t always control what happens to us, but we can always control how we choose to respond. In those moments when I choose to stop complaining and instead give thanks to God for the good in my life, the parts that seem bad start to seem much less significant. Choose to keep a positive attitude and a thankful heart regardless of what you’re going through this year.

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

Remember….. That Your Struggles Always Lead To Strength.

Every difficulty in your life, whether big or small, is something God will use to produce more strength, faith and perseverance in you if you let Him! All your pain has a purpose.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Remember….. That God’s Timing Is Always Perfect.

God’s plans are almost always different from our plans, but His plans are always perfect! Have the patience to wait on His timing instead of forcing your own.

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord; plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

Remember…… That God Will Never Leave Your Side.

You may feel like you’re going through this struggle all alone, but from the moment you ask Jesus to bring you into God’s family, He will be by your side to the end so never lose hope!

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

Deb and I will be praying each and every Saturday morning in 2018, for the thousands of couples who read these weekly simple “shared” truths, that they give you the hope, strength and encouragement to keep going on those days when life is at its worst!

We are praying TODAY for YOU See you in Church Mark & Deb

Heavenly Father, Your Word talks about a living hope–a hope for things unseen, an expectation of things to come. That’s the foundation we want for our marriage. Not one that will crumble and fall under the weight of this world, but a firm foundation that won’t let us down. Jesus said, “In my Father’s house are many mansions… I go to prepare a place for you.” Unlike the world’s definition of hope, our hope is certain. We’re convinced that the power of life and death is in Your hands. We are confident that we’ll stand before You one day. We have the assurance of resurrection by the same Spirit that rose Christ from the dead. And we are persuaded that neither life nor death could ever separate us from Your love. In 2018 let that be our motivation, and may it be the compass that defines each step we take. Help us to let go of the here and now, to see this fading world for what it is, to stop looking back, and to start looking forward. Thank you for Your faithfulness Lord–thank You for giving us hope In the name of Jesus we pray. Amen.

[twogethernewlifect]

How Healthy Families Handle Holidays

It’s “the most wonderful time of the year” when many people dread spending time with their families. Few things reveal the true health of a family like the holidays. Expectations are high. Time is often spent in close proximity with one another. If anything goes wrong, feelings are deeply hurt.

Most of the year it is easy for a family to ignore problems, but during the holiday season those hidden divisions are brought to the surface.

But the holidays can be a fun, relaxing season which draws families together. While they can never mimic the perfection often illustrated in movies and expected by grandmothers, they can be a meaningful time that strengthens bonds and creates memories. For the holidays to have this impact, each family we believe must develop three characteristics.

Here’s How Healthy Families Handle Holidays

1. Healthy Families Have Healthy Expectations…. It’s acceptable to desire your whole family to be together for the holidays. It’s not acceptable to guilt, manipulate, or demand that it happen. Before marriage, it’s fair to assume your children will be home for major family events, but when they get married their allegiance must change. Mom and grandma remain important, but wife or husband become more important.

Healthy families understand that a person can only be one place at a time and it is selfish to assume our children or grandchildren will always be at our house during the prime-time of a holiday. When they have families of their own, we have to share.

Unhealthy families do not realize this.

They guilt (“It’s going to kill grandma if you aren’t there.”)

They manipulate (“Well, if you aren’t coming we just won’t have Christmas.”)

They blame (“Ever since he got married, his wife won’t let him spend the holidays at our house.”)

This behavior is destructive. It’s unfair, childish, and unrealistic. Do you want to love your family well? Have healthy expectations toward them.

2. Healthy Families Have Healthy Boundaries…. They care deeply for one another, but they are able to distinguish their individual selves and families from the whole. They respect one another, honor each other’s space, and value the decisions of others.

Unhealthy families do not have strong boundaries.

They ask inappropriate questions (“When are you going to have children?”).

They give unrequested advice (“You need to discipline that child.”)

They ignore decisions (“I know your mom said you can’t have that, but I’ll let you.”)

Boundaries are not something we naturally possess. Each of us either take on the responsibilities of others or deny responsibility over our own lives. We have to learn what healthy boundaries look like. Each individual has a right to define what they will and will not do. Without apology we can and should define our own lives. We have little obligation to explain our decisions to others, even family.

Do you want to love your family well? Determine what is fully your responsibility and be responsible for those things while refusing to take on the responsibilities that belong to others.

3. Healthy Families Have Healthy Conflict…. It’s normal to experience aspects of conflict around the holidays. Everyone has a set of expectations and no one will fully get what they want. Working through the planning process can create tension. The difference between healthy and unhealthy is not the absence or presence of conflict. It is how the conflict is handled.

Healthy families can handle it in a productive way. They expect it, aren’t afraid of it, and confront it. They may not like it, but they deal with it in a meaningful way. Without getting angry or overwhelmed, they share their viewpoint, listen to others, and find a fair compromise. Because it is dealt with, it is over after one conversation and does not have a negative influence in the years to come.

Unhealthy families are terrified by conflict. They deny it, ignore it, or handle it in passive aggressive ways. Because it isn’t properly handled, it has a lasting impact. A past conflict can influence every holiday for decades.

Do you want to love your family well? Accept the presence of conflict and handle it in a fair manner.

Unfortunately, disappointment is a common description I hear from others about the holidays. They desire a meaningful time together with their families, but they end up hurt, frustrated, or thinking something is wrong with them. These feelings are often a result of unhealthy expectations, boundaries, and the poor handling of conflict. When we can learn to handle these three aspects in a healthy manner, it transforms our families and frees us to enjoy the holidays.

Well Deb and I are trusting these “shared” Christmas thoughts on family time will bless your homes and hearts during this season of Joy and Peace…

Merry Christmas Mark & Deb

Heavenly Father, help us to be one in spirit and soul during this season of HOPE. Remind us to be aware of this unity at all times, even when we’re apart from each other. Help us to honor each other with both our actions and speech no matter where we are, who we are with, or what we are doing. May our love shine forth as a testimony of a Christ-centered union. Jesus prayed, “That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us: that the world may believe that thou hast sent me.” We’re seeking that unity, Lord. That we would be united together, and also be united with You. In the name of Jesus we pray. Amen.

[twogethernewlifect]

4 simple ways to make this your best Christmas yet!

It’s almost Christmastime again which means there are decorations everywhere you look, Christmas carols and holiday tunes being played on every station and Will Ferrell dressed as an Elf on almost every TV channel (which is pretty hilarious no matter how many times I watch it)!

The holidays can create a unique mixture of joy and sadness; of bliss and stress. It’s a time when we sing “It’s the most wonderful time of the year,” but for many, it’s a time when financial pressure, relational tensions and life’s disappointments seem overwhelming. The “most wonderful time of the year” is also the time of the year with the most alcohol abuse, domestic violence and suicide.

Christmas has a way of acting like a “Magnifying Glass;” it can make the good things in your life seem even bigger and better, but it can simultaneously make the difficult things in your life seem even bigger and more painful.

We believe that Christmas should be a time of joy and celebration where wonderful memories are made and the stresses of life take a backseat to the joys of life. Enjoying Christmas to its fullest with your loved ones requires some planning and intentionality, so we’ve put together a short list of ways you can make the most of the holidays this year.

Adapt these four simple suggestions to your own family and personality and we believe you could be in store for your best Christmas yet!

1. Don’t Get Caught Up In The Christmas Comparison Trap.

Using Pinterest and facebook to see what others are doing to make Christmas more memorable is a great way to find new, creative ideas, but don’t get sucked into the trap of thinking you have to keep up with the Mom who spends five hours per night arranging her Elf on the Shelf or the Dad who has more Christmas lights than Clark Griswold in Christmas Vacation.

2. Remember That Time Together Is More Valuable Than Anything You Can Unwrap.

That hot new electronic device will be outdated by next year, but the memories you’re making together have no expiration date. Make time together with loved ones your top priority this year. Make cookies, play board games, go on drives to see Christmas lights and just have fun together!

3. Laugh More, Stress Less.

It’s almost impossible to have joy and stress at the same time, so make a decision right now that you are refusing to let stress rob you of your peace and happiness this year. Refuse to let past regrets hold you down and refuse to make new regrets this year. Make FUN with your family a priority. Plan activities that will produce the most laughter. Make sure laughter is the soundtrack of your family’s Christmas Season.

4. Remember What (And Who) It’s All About.

In all the “holiday hoopla” it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that Christmas is celebrating the greatest news the world has ever known. It’s about a Savior who came to set us free, bring peace to our messed-up lives and show us what love really means. Don’t leave Jesus out of Christmas; He’s the best part of it!

From our family to yours, Merry Christmas! We pray God’s blessings for you and your family this Christmas and in the New Year to come!

[twogethernewlifect]

4 Things You Should NEVER Say To Your Souse EVER

Have you ever said something to your spouse and then immediately thought to yourself… “Ummmm…I didn’t just actually say that out loud, then did I?!”

I think we’ve all been there and done this! Sometimes we can say the most hurtful things to the people we love the most.

Whoever said “Sticks and stones can break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” didn’t know what they were talking about! The truth is that our words can make or break our relationships and we need to commit to using our words wisely. You can communicate your message without being mean or sarcastic and if you approach your spouse in a supportive and encouraging way, your message is going to be received much better.

For the health of your marriage, you need to remove some words and phrases from your vocabulary. Here are some practical ways to get started, these are four things you should NEVER say to your spouse EVER!

1. DON’T SAY: “Have you gained weight?”

If they’re gaining weight, they already know it without you pointing it out. Instead of drawing attention to the weight, try suggestion healthier options for meals or going on walks together to promote ways you can spend time together and both get healthier at the same time. Be their biggest cheerleader; not their biggest critic! Learn to be an encourager, the world has enough critics already.

2.  DON’T SAY: “You Always…” or “You Never…”

When we’re trying to make a point, we often make hurtful allegations about our spouse that exaggerate the truth. “Always” and “Never” can be dangerous words. If you do say the words “You always…” or “You never…”, make sure you say something positive, like “You always know how to make me smile.” Instead of something negative like “You always make everything so complicated” or “You never do anything to help me.” Your words can inspire or destroy, choose yours wisely.

3.  DON’T SAY: Anything mean, degrading or disrespectful.

Okay, I know I just listed a whole bunch of things with this one, but the important point is that you need to always keep a positive tone in your words if you want to maintain a positive tone in your marriage. Once you say a word, you can’t take it back, so be very careful about each word you speak to each other. A marriage can’t have too much encouragement or too little criticism. Just be sure to taste your words before you spit them out. And don’t ever mix bad words with your bad mood. You may have an opportunity to change your mood, but words spoken are almost impossible to change or take back.

4. DON’T SAY: “Divorce”

The “D-Word” shouldn’t be part of your vocabulary. Don’t use it as a threat or as an option. There’s no intimacy in marriage without complete commitment and there can be no true commitment if you have even the threat of an exit strategy. Remember, a “perfect marriage” is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other! In every disagreement in marriage, remember this one important truth: MY spouse is my partner; NOT my enemy. We will either win together or we will lose together.

There are of course plenty of “other” things you should NOT be saying to your spouse, but start with this simple list and see how many problems you avoid. Deb and I trust once again that our “shared” words of encouragement and hope, help you build a better life.

See You in Church Sunday Mark & Deb

Father in heaven, restore each broken part of our marriage. Rebuild those things we’ve torn down, and help us to build alongside You. Your Word tells us that, “The wise woman builds her house [on a foundation of godly precepts, and her household thrives], But the foolish one [who lacks spiritual insight] tears it down with her own hands [by ignoring godly principles]..” (Proverbs 14:1) We’ve been foolish at times. We’ve said things that we wish we could take back. We’ve failed to love as well as we could. Cleanse us from sin, wash away our iniquities, and comfort our pain. We all make mistakes, but sometimes they cut deep. Sometimes we wound the ones we love most. Give us the wisdom to learn from our past, and the strength to do better tomorrow. Help us to build bridges that we’ve taken down. Guide our steps as we move forward from here. Grant us a clean slate. Revive our spirits with righteousness and truth. Reestablish the foundation our vows were built on. In the name of Jesus we pray. Amen.