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twistedsporadicdetective-blog · 8 years ago

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It would've been him, you and I.

It would be you and I up all night when he wouldn't stop crying.

It would be you and I sitting in the ER at 4 am because he was sick.

It would be me and you and our families celebrating his first steps and his first birthday.

It would be us changing his diapers and making him laugh.

It would be your chest that he fell asleep on while you were watching tv with me passed out on your arm.

It would be you and I going to every doctor's appointment.

You would've been the one celebrating with me the first time Ry said "Dada" or "mama".

Both of our breaths would have caught every time he fell as he took his first steps.

We would've been the ones in the grocery store that everyone stopped to talk about our adorable baby boy's chubby cheeks.

You would've been the one he called for in the middle of the night when he had a bad dream.

I would’ve been the one pulling him into bed with us, just one more time.

You would've been the one chasing the monsters out of the closet and from under the bed.

You would've been the one trying not to cry with me on his first day of school.

You would've been the one to teach him to play ball, to swim, to shoot his first bb gun.

We would've been the ones rushing to the hospital from work when he broke his first bone.

You would've been the man Ryker admired most in the world. The one who taught him how to be a man.

On his first parents night Ry would've dragged us through his school by our hands and introduced you to his teachers as his daddy. He would've shown you his art pictures and you would've beamed with pride as his teacher told you how smart he was and good he was. Then she would've pointed to one of his pictures on the wall, "my hero is..." and all the kids drew pictures of firemen and policemen and super man but in his crooked little hand writing he wrote "my daddy" and did his best drawing of you. You'd pick him up and hug him tight as he asked you in his sweet voice if you liked his picture. You would tell him it was your favorite one so far. He'd get a big goofy grin and then notice his friends and wiggle to be put back on the ground and he'd take off but not before saying "I love you daddy". You would choke up a bit and wonder how you got to be so lucky to have the greatest son in the world.

He would've grown up too fast and in no time at all, he'd be telling you about this girl he likes in his class and how she didn't even know he existed. Then you would tell him go for it, you never know unless you try. So he would, and the next day he'd come home grinning ear to ear because she was his girlfriend now.

In no time at all, we would start to notice he was getting to that age. It would be time for you to sit down with him and have "the talk". It would be a little awkward for you as you explained what was going to be happening to him in the not so distant future and told him about the birds and the bees. He'd be completely grossed out and embarrassed trying to cut the conversation as short as possible.

Then at about 14 we'd catch Ry coming back in late at night from sneaking out to see a girl. We would ground him and for the first time he would scream "I hate you" as he stormed up the stairs and slammed his door.

15 is time to start teaching him to drive. I couldn't get in the car with something I birthed driving, so that would make this your experience to. You'd run him through the basics tell him where everything was, show him how to check the oil, slam the hood and toss him the keys to your old truck. He'd give you that happiest boy in the world grin and get in the drivers seat pretending like he wasn't nervous and hoping you didn't see him shake. He'd start the truck and put it in reverse and back up until he hit a fence post he couldnt quite see and slammed on the brakes. He would go to get out apologizing "I'm sorry dad, I couldn't see it. I didn't mean to." You'd laugh and tell him if that's the worst thing he ever did he was doing pretty good.

Within a couple of weeks, you'd start talking to your buddies about buying him a car. You guys would go back and forth about what to get him and decide he needed a fixer upper because every boy needs to know hard work and how to fix his own car. So one day ya'll would come home with this old dusty 1976 mustang, rusted out floor pans, the engine barely turned over, and it was ugly as homemade sin and you would tell him that you were going to fix it for a friend. Ry would beg to hang out with you and your friends and help. So you finally agreed.

All of you would all work on it every Saturday from early morning until it got to dark to see. Ryker would feel like an adult for the first time hanging out with all of you, as one of the guys, learning everything about the car he could. He would even get a part time job bagging groceries to pay for parts.

His 16th birthday would roll around and we'd take him to get his license. As he took the test we would watch and wonder where time went. When did our little boy get old enough to drive? He passed the test like we knew he would. He got his first copy of his driver's license. He would've been so proud of it.

We would leave the dmv and head back to the house for the barbecue where all of the guys and Ry's friends were starting to show up. I would send a quick message that said we were on our way. Everyone would hide in the bushes and the back yard, careful not to give themselves away as we pulled in. We would get out of the car and then suddenly everyone would surround Ryker screaming surprise and happy birthday and congratulations. We would take him totally by surprise. Just a few weeks ago we would have all had a big fight because Ry wanted a big sweet 16 party and we told him no. He would've thought we were the worst parents in the world but what he didn't know is we would have already had his party planned.

A little while into the party people would be in out of the pool, up and down a giant slip-n-slide adults and children alike all would have been having a blast, an unfamiliar truck would come carefully up the driveway. A knowing grin would play across all the men's faces as two men would get out of the cab. You would tell Ryker to close his eyes, and one of your friends would stick their hand over his eyes to make sure he didn't peak

The two guys from the truck would lower the gate to the trailer and the crowd would get quiet as they almost soundlessly rolled the freshly painted candy apple red 76 mustang out into the drive way. You would tell Ryker he could look now, and your friend would remove his hand.

Ry would be speechless as he stared at the car that you all had been working on for class to the last year. On every detail you and the guys had asked him for his opinion and he only thought you were trying to include him, never would it have crossed his mind that you were building the car for him. You would hand him the keys and tell him to start her up. She would start on the first try, and he would have the biggest smile on his face. This would've been one of the best days of his life.

He would get out of the car and hug us and tell the guys thank you for everything they did. Then his friends would ask to go for a ride and he would look at us silently begging. You would give in even though we knew he wasn't supposed to have passengers yet and tell him"Alright, but stay on our block." He'd jump in the driver's sit and disappear in a cloud of dust with all of his friends. This definitely would've been one of the best days of his life.

He would've met his first love around his sophomore year. They would be inseparable for a while and then...they'd break up and he'd have his first heartbreak. He would try to hide it from us, but we would be able to see and want so desperately to help. So you would take him out, and let him pick out another junk car because he had enjoyed working on the first one so much. He would spend every spare minute out there with the car, listening to his music and finding his way through his heartbreak with your help.

Then he would meet another girl that would make him smile, and then a few more and each would follow the last within a couple of weeks. Then at some point she would show up. The first girl to sit out there with him, and let him teach her about it. The first girl to take interest in what he did. The girl that would be our daughter-in-law.

Together they would get the car running, you would be able to hear their excitement over the car even in the house. They might share their first kiss then. The weeks would turn into months and still they would be dating.

He would ask us out of the blue one day what we thought about her. We would comment on she was a good girl and she was sweet and what not. Then he would clear his throat and say, "what I meant was, what would you think of her as your daughter-in-law?" We would laugh and smile maybe the biggest smile we ever had. I'd tell him I was wondering when he was going to get around to asking that. You would go into our room reach into my top drawer and grab the little leather black box. You would bring it back into the kitchen and raise an eyebrow at me as I saw what was in your hand, I would nod and you'd clear your throat.

"Have you gotten a ring yet?" He would shake his head, "no but I've been shopping, I've got a couple in mind." You would continue, "we have something we want you to have, if you want it." You would open the box and reveal a beautiful ring. The same ring you proposed to me with. "This is the ring I proposed to your mother with. I..we would like you to have it."

Ryker would take the box in his hand and stare at the ring, he'd look up with moist eyes and say, "it's perfect, thank you. Are you sure?" We would nod and I would say, "just take care of it and her." He would close the box and stick it into his pocket and continue on his way out the door to get to his final graduation ceremony practice.

We would watch our son and our future daughter-in-law walk across that stage as proud as we could be of both of him. After the ceremony everyone would go out to the house for one last big barbecue before all the kids went off to college.

Ryker would've set up everything for the barbecue today while I was cooking and you were out getting more supplies for the night. We would've noticed that he set it up a little different than normal but nothing would've clicked.

He would gather everyone together pulling our soon to be daughter-in-law with him. He would begin to talk about the good and bad times of high school and all the friends they had made and talk about he how had the girl of his dreams and how right where he was standing in front of the car they had fixed together he had had some of the best moments of his life and how he couldnt move forward with his future without her and then with her still leaning on the car he would get down on one knee and ask her to marry him.

She would put her hands to her mouth in shock with tears running down her face lost for words for a second as everyone anxiously awaited her answer. Then she would drop to her knees and say yes as she pulled him in for a kiss and everyone would cheer. I skipped over the bad things that would've inevitably happened

in his life if he had gotten the chance to lead one, but these were

a glimpse of what I would like to think Ryker's life would've looked like.....

Ryker Lakota Marley Evans

March 23, 2016

#death #poetry #grieving #kids #motherhood #Ryker #writing

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