turntechfuckoff

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i spot a plus size honey across the bar and start to chat her up until her bisexual boyfriend with a magic the gathering tattoo comes over and starts yelling at me so i turn him sideways so he can't make another action until his next turn

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shorthands for dumbassery that i have grown to love deeply

"how dare you say we piss on the poor" in response to someone misinterpreting your post

"_ isnt gonna fuck you" for suck up behavior

"woah. should we tell everyone? should we throw a party?" for who the fuck cares

"and what if the world was made of pudding" for when would this ever matter.

"and sharks are smooth both ways" for a group of people heatedly arguing with 1 guy who is fucking with them all

".. but its about a witch in the alps finding her lost cat" for someone trying to sanitize something to the point of absurdity

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"save me, substance abuse!" i cry. before you can moralize to me about the dangers of addiction, a noble and powerful steed gallops into the room - my horse whom i have named "substance abuse". you learn an important lesson about making assumptions. i snort a line off its back

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in the year 3620 BC your ancestor set alight a field belonging to my ancestor, destroying near half an acre of good barley and causing much misery in our house. delete thy blog wretched saboteur

Can we run away together

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me in the. me in. the. uhm.

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this post was fact checked by the sketchiest sleaziest most unscrupulous child in the world as true

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hey man what’s wrong with you

the usual

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Hate getting life advice from someone who's life is in such shambles that I can't fairly point out how unqualified they are. Like yes thanks for the unsolicited advice about how I need to will my way through executive dysfunction, person who was called "The Nonce-ler" for three months at work

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begging small indie musicians to post lyrics to their songs because with all the love in my heart 🫶i dont know what ur saying🫶 and no one else can tell me 🫶

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Remember when that girl tried to say that firefox was bad because a former CEO was homophobic and I pointed out why that was a terrible take (throwing out the baby [open source non-google web browser with great extensions] with the bathwater [dipshit who left like ten years ago and also developed javascript and i don't see you ditching all sites with java for your principles]) and she went and looked through my posts and tried to call me out for supporting hyperconsumptive capitalism and encouraging anorexia because I'd reblogged a photoset from a runway show and I was like "bitch I don't care about fashion, I've got a latex fetish" and then she blocked me?

That was very funny.

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Loumand they don't get you like I do.

You might be a fail-marriage but you're my fail-marriage, and anyway I've decided that you're a deeply compelling slow motion implosion. Like you're very much in love, for people with no sense of self infinitely just reflecting each other's desires back at each other until you're just really shattered mirrors, and who want to be loved horrifically and deeply and tragically without ever having to be vulnerable (whilst being deeply vulnerable literally all of the time).

You were so obviously doomed at every moment but I hope you had fun being each other's rebound for the same random blond guy. Very impressive, and statistically unlikely, seeing as the relationships (I use that word lightly, looking at you Armand) were continents and decades apart.

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My degrading mental health COULD be because of seasonal depression, irregular meals, irregular sleep, unhealthy workplace, the death of family members, and any number of other tangibly difficult things that have hit me this year OR this is the accumulation of years of making "I'm gonna do it" jokes

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reblog if you wear glasses. too many mutuals don't know they have glasses wearers in their midsts

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