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Why and how I stopped self-harming.

I was 12 years old when I first laid the blade against my skin. It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. It was just little scratches at first, and I only did them when I believed I deserved them. 

But as time passes the scars multiplies and got deeper and deeper every day. They slowly took over my arms and my legs to the point where I can no longer make excuses about my scars. 

I began wearing bracelets. A ton of them. I refused to take off my jumper despite it being at least 23 degrees. I constantly sat on my hands so my sleeves wouldn’t roll up to prevent people from asking why I had so many bracelets.

Nobody knew about the scars. Nobody ever found out because I didn't tell anyone. My best friend knew I was cutting. But she never knew how bad it was.

I continued cutting until I was 14. I did them mostly on my legs because they were easier to hide, and I hated my legs.   

One day, I finished taking a shower. I take off all my bracelets when I showered because despite covering up my scars, I actually liked them. I went downstairs to get something to drink, unaware that my dad was already home from work, and he, of course, walked in on me getting a drink. He sat down and started boiling water for his coffee and looks at me. Now, bear in mind that I took off my bracelets at this time. I didn't realise that my sleeve slightly pulled up and showed a couple of scars. 

He called me to come over in a way that made my hair stand up. I thought I was in trouble because I didn’t clean my room or something. So I come over at him and he grabbed my arm and pulled up my sleeve. It was at that moment that I knew he realised. I felt guilty. I didn't know why. I felt embarrassed and ashamed. I couldn't look him in the eye. I thought he was gonna scream at me, but instead, I heard his voice crack. I felt his hand tremble and his grip tightened. I looked to see my 41-year-old father with tears in his eyes. In my 14 years of life, I have never seen him cry in person. I’ve always seen him as someone who was tough and never cried, but he’s right here in front of me crying. And it broke my heart.

He asked me questions and told me things but I don't want to put them down here. I think you guys would’ve already figured out what he asked anyway. 

It made me realise how truly selfish I was and how stubborn and how much I denied help. I was only ever focused on the negative side and only thought of myself. I gave up too quickly and put myself down too early. I never realised that there are people who care for me, who love me and would break down when they see me hurt or sad. And God knows what will happen to them when I disappear. I realised that I never thought about how those people who loved me would feel when one day they find me gone. I failed to see that I matter to so much more people than I ever knew.

If you are suffering to depression, remember that there are so many people who care so much about you. Don’t try to avoid them. Don’t deny help. Don’t be selfish about it, because, yes, you might be hurting now, and yes I know it’s hard and painful. But think about those people who are still there for you. The ones who love you. How do you think they would feel when you’re gone? 

I am now 2 years clean. Some of the deeper scars stayed, but scars eventually go away, and with the extra help of scar creams they do disappear. Don’t forget to realise that there are so much more people who care about you than you thought, and that includes me. I may not know you, and you may not know me, but I just want you to know that I love you, and you truly matter.