transaudhd

[transaudhd]

Idk which other ultra sexy autistic trans guy needs to hear this but if you're having a sudden feeling of impending doom you probably need water

[transaudhd]

Handling Change

I’m usually ok with change - at least that’s what I thought.

But this week, I was informed that something will change and honestly - I can't handle it. I haven't felt so bad in years. And if nothing else helps, maybe structuring my thoughts and feelings in text format and sending it out to the world will at least cause no further harm, right?

So, how do I usually handle change? It depends a lot on what kind of change we're talking about. Change can be distinct in two dimensions:

Is it a change I wanted and planned or a change I can't influence but have to handle?

How much time do I have to adjust to that change?

I plan a lot of change myself. Like I see something I don't like. I analyze it. I imagine how it could be better. Then I work on getting to that better state. That's easy for me. I can do it at my own pace. All cool.

But even with sudden change, I usually handle that well. 

Earlier this year I was asked to visit a customer some hours drive away. I was supposed to do a consulting workshop, something I never had done before and which included a topic I honestly had no clue about. I communicated that and the plan was to go to this meeting with a more experienced colleague by my side.

Everything was planned, but then, 3 days before the meeting, his flight was canceled. We talked about it and it was all fine, we changed the plan to me doing the workshop with him being present only on video. It was not a big change for me. Also, our customer agreed to do it as a hybrid meeting, no worries, we're all prepared for that since the pandemic, right?

How wrong I was. On that day, when I arrived at the customers' site and wanted to start the workshop neither the camera nor the audio worked. So no support for me and I found out about 1 minute in advance.

I suspect my ADHD to help me in situations like that. If something happens so spontaneously, my brain enters what I call the ADHD-Emergency-Mode. Everything seems to be calm and slow. No worries, no fear. I love my brain for that.

The workshop went well, I enjoyed it. The change was not a problem at all.

For me, sudden change is fine. I'm also ok with changes that I know far in advance. But there is this time window in between, you know, between "This will happen. Right. Now. No time to think, worry. Just act." and "At a date that is far from now, take your time to prepare."

What happened this week checks both boxes. So what happened?

I have worked in my current job for almost two years. And I never felt so good. I love my job. I love the tasks. But what is best about my job is my supervisor and my team. I never in my life was part of a group of people where I could be myself at this level and not only be the weird person who is still accepted. No, it seems like they like me because I say what I mean and mean what I say. They like me as the person I am. And my supervisor, he's amazing. Also with him, I can talk honestly without being seen as less competent or less worthy.

In this group of people, I can openly talk about my weaknesses and insecurities and feel safe because I know no one would ever use them against me.

I knew that my supervisor had only 2 years left before retirement. And yes, I worried about what will happen then. But when we had this meeting on Thursday and were told that he would stop being our supervisor in January, I was shocked. When they then told us they would just split the team and merge it into the other teams, I was terrified.

Yes, there are other coworkers in those teams I am close to. We work on projects most of the time, so in my daily work not so much will change.

I felt at home in my team and to be honest I don't get along well with every supervisor.

The end of the story is that I will be in a team separated from all the others. With one of the other supervisors, I know I will most likely get along with. She honestly would have been my choice and she told me that she asked for me to be in her team. I rationally get the reasons why this is happening. But still, it feels like they took away something essential. This change feels life-threatening to me. The fact, that I know this will be ok, doesn't change that feeling.

Yes, I do overreact. I know that. I also have to admit, that the last two months were hard for me. I traveled a lot for work and I received this message when I was already kind of exhausted.

I am again at that point, where all my former therapists were confused. They were like: Right, you're scared, so many emotions, but let's look at it rationally and then let the thoughts influence your emotions and the fear will go away. But that's just not how I function. While they were happy to see, that I understood that stuff is not scary at all, nothing changed for me. I'll just have to live through this and I know that some months from now, everything will be fine again. But the time until then will be really, really hard for me.

How do you handle change?

[transaudhd]

Unmasking (especially at work)

I've been thinking much about unmasking lately, especially in a professional environment.

I got my official ADHD diagnosis last year and I am quite sure that I am autistic as well. I am also a trans guy and started transitioning almost 7 years ago, so I can't think about unmasking without also thinking about this moment 7 years ago when I decided to stop pretending. To stop pretending to be the woman I never was but also to stop trying to appear "normal". To stop hiding all my struggles, stop pretending I was fine, stop pretending to like stuff that I hated, but everyone expected me to enjoy. I was a student back then so that stuff included social events with a lot of alcohol. I was reading about autism back then, maybe relating to that, but when I decided to be honest to myself and also to the world around me, it was all about showing the world my true self in the sense of a trans guy with mental health issues. I wasn't thinking about unmasking my true neurodivergent self at that time. But I unmasked a lot, I took the first steps without realizing it. I stopped trying to act as normal as possible. But what I did not stop hiding were the traits that I now know are part of me being autistic and having ADHD, which made me feel ashamed for so long. Like not being able to listen in classes. Struggling to keep my flat clean, my notes together, having an up-to-date calendar. Starting one project after another without ever finishing a single one of them. Being so fucking tired after a "normal" day at school to not being able to do anything.

Since my ADHD diagnosis, I consciously decided that I wanted to unmask. And I thought I was doing well. I was more open about the things that were hard for me. Yes, even at work. It led to stronger connections with my coworkers, who felt safe also to share their insecurities. I know, that I am so privileged to work in a team where this is possible. I suspect most of my coworkers and even my supervisor to be neurodivergent. In my last job, my unmasking probably would have led to ridicule, misunderstandings, and… let's say it wouldn't have ended well for me. So I took the next steps of unmasking during the last year, and it felt good. Until some weeks ago, when I talked to two people: my supervisor and one of my coworkers (who is autistic, but I am the only one at work who knows).

When I talked to my supervisor, he asked me, if I felt like I could be myself at work. Having put a lot of effort into unmasking lately, my first answer was yes. He also confirmed that he sees me as more authentic than one year ago. He also told me that I became louder, in the sense of sharing my honest opinion more openly and asking for accommodation. After we talked, I thought a lot about that question. I realized that no, I can't be my true self all of the time. I feel like I can be more of myself within my team, but when I work with other internal teams or even customers, I am far from my true authentic self. And I am not even sure if I want to change that.

When I talked to my autistic coworker, she pointed out how high masking I am compared to her. When she said that, I felt slightly offended. I am not that high-masking, am I? Yes, I spend more time with my coworkers than she does - but I do that because I actually enjoy their company. I usually consciously decide to spend time with them, even if it costs me a lot of energy. But yes, I could ask them not to turn on the music while we're talking. I could ask them to meet in calmer environments generally. And yes, I don't do that because I am still scared that they will like me less if I do. And there are situations when I have to work with our customers directly. I definitely mask then, I am honestly not even sure, which parts of me are actually me and what parts are part of a mask I built over so many years. Maybe, when I decided to be more of myself 7 years ago, I only replaced one mask with another, which fits me more, but is still a mask?

And now I'm here, questioning myself again. Thinking about situations, in which I want to unmask and also about situations, where unmasking is just not safe. I am also questioning what unmasking actually means. And I am shouting it out to this platform, without having any answers. Maybe hoping for more perspectives on that topic. I am ready to hear your thoughts about unmasking, especially at work. What does it even mean? Is it possible? Is it something inherently good or is it even safer to wear that mask?