totheeark

[totheeark]

You went away for a long time I pushed everything back Why are you here again?

[totheeark]

oh god i wish i could have helped, i could have helped but i did nothing, no one understood my warnings, i’m so sorry, Jay, i’m so sorry, Tim, Alex, Jessica, i’m so sorry

[totheeark]

You aren’t who I thought you to be I was wrong, you aren’t him I must leave, I must go somewhere new Somewhere I belong Somewhere safe If I stay here, everything will get worse And you’ll remind me of who I am, who I am not, and who you want me to be.

[totheeark]

no one has realised that im not me anymore i dont even think people knew who i was in the beginning i dont think that i know i dont know

[totheeark]

You’re back again.

A memory fluttered by and I was gone from here. I was back there in your arms, in your house.

I’ve started doing things we used to do, but i’ve picked up your bad habits too. The smell of smoke clings to my clothes, my hands, my everything, and I wish it were you.

[totheeark]

I can feel everything creeping back into my mind. I’ve built myself up and now that hivemind is gonna knock it all down. I spent too long under the mask of numbness and anger. Please, I don’t wanna ruin my life again.

[totheeark]

I’m seeing you everywhere, through the mirror, a flash of a person as the bus speeds by. In all my music, I hear your voice, i feel your hands in my hair and your smile tugs on the corner of my lips. When I play the ukulele, I feel your hands guiding mine, every note is how you would have played it. I miss you. I miss you more than I thought I would.

[totheeark]

How long before i delete this blog? Because HE found me? Or because the memories got to the point where i couldn’t sleep, i couldn’t breath, i couldn’t even think of living without you.

I closed that gate, that chapter, that book. I’m trying to forget you, but i see you everywhere I look.

[totheeark]

I’m practically pulling my hair out rn, I need to go to the woods.

[totheeark]

I feel the woods near my family home calling to me. What was in there that made you so afraid? And why would I want to go back?

[totheeark]

I wish I was me again.

I never had to worry about anything except from trying to stay alive. I didn’t have to worry about money, about college applications, about anything. I just had to live.

And I didn’t even do that right.

[totheeark]

I’m not who I used to be...

[totheeark]

Is he really you? I won’t leave him regardless, but we connected the moment we meet. I see you in his smile, in his eyes. Are you him, or am I trying to piece together a happiness I can’t have?

[totheeark]

I never thought that energy still hung around me. But I guess I never truly left.

[totheeark]

The nightmares are back and a good nights sleep is something I can only, ironically, dream of.

[totheeark]

The memories stopped, but with a dream, they come crashing back to me. I can’t think of you or the others without crying.

[totheeark]

why now? I thought I’d forgotten, i thought i’d moved on.