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tomakiriya-tm · 4 years ago

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(1) yayy ur askbox is open! i was thinking of a levi x reader where levi is long dead from a brutal battle and gets eaten by a titan so during the process of reader's grief, she's in total denial and can't seem to move on, no matter how many times hanji or erwin tell her, he's gone. she starts seeing him in her dreams, where he checks in on her, telling her it's going to be okay. eventually her dreams turn into a reality and she starts seeing levi everywhere she goes. she's the only one who's-

Hey thanks for this request, I know you added to this a few times and sent me other requests with how you wanted this to go and it was very specific which is great, you know what you want. But as the writer I need creative freedom to do this so I’m just going to use your first request with less specifics because this idea is great and I want to break people. It’s my goal in life.

Summary: there are stages to accepting death. For you denial seems to be the only stage you can’t get over. How can you when he’s everywhere you go?

Disclaimer: I don’t own Aot or you or the GIF below. I’m too mentally exhausted to come up with a sarcastic quip.

Warnings: death mentions, swearing, self harm, suicide threats

Please don’t repost, reblogs are fine

You had a second shadow.

One it seemed that no one else but you could see. A shadow who could not be swallowed by the light or the dark, a presence that followed you everywhere you went. He would always linger a few steps behind you, his monochrome hues always spectating through half lidded eyes as you went about your day, trying to ignore his gaze that bore into you.

Whenever you slept he would wait patiently by your bedside, watching over your sleeping form with the faintest of smiles on his face. He would never sleep himself, only watch.

Whenever you ate or did paperwork he would be by your side, never saying a word but only gazing at you from where he stood a few feet away. His arms folded and eyes narrow at the agony of never being able to interact with you the way he had before.

His body falling through anything he touched, anytime he reached out to run his fingers over your hair, anytime he tried to press his lips to your cheek like he always did, his touch would simply send shivers through you and cause you to pull away.

He could only watch from afar as you continued to live your life. Being left behind as you laughed with your friends, friends who he had once laughed with by his side too. Friends who’s eyes would stare straight through him, not recognising his presence.

Any attempt he made to call your name was brushed off as you pretended he wasn’t there, afraid to look insane in front of the others.

The tears that fell from his face as you gradually began to ignore him breaking your heart, but what could you do?

You couldn’t reach out to him, you couldn’t run your fingers through his raven locks of hair like you had before, you couldn’t brush his face in an attempt to wipe away the tear streaks that fell from his narrow cheeks. You couldn’t offer him any comfort, a veil was cast between the two of you, impossible to touch the other but only to see and talk.

At first when he had appeared you had been grateful, scared but grateful. After having witnessed him dying outside the walls you hadn’t felt anything at all. Your body and mind having felt empty as you screamed his name, the broken sound echoing in your ears as his name tore into the air. His bloodied and bruised body falling from the sky in a trail of steam, his eyes closed as his body crashed into the earth.

The tears hadn’t stopped flowing for weeks, the depression having rested on your body like a weight, the motivation to fight had gone just as he had.

You could see him behind closed eyes, when you slept in your empty bed the place beside you where he would have slept was cold as you cried his name out into the night. He would come to you in your sleep, he would hold you like he had all the years he had loved you, whisper his love to you as you cried in his arms and he would only hold you.

You had tried to avoid sleeping. Staying up late in your office filling out countless forms trying to keep yourself occupied. Anything to keep from having to see him again, if you stayed awake you wouldn’t be tormented by your own mind. You wouldn’t ever have to wake up and be taken from him again.

But then the insomnia, the over work and the exhaustion had caused you to begin seeing things. He had appeared, out of the blue and you had tried to pretend it was your mind playing cruel tricks on you. Your first instinct had been to grab the pen knife that lay in your desk and end it there and then. How long could you live with these hallucinations?

It had almost happened, you had almost dragged the blade up your arm to end your suffering but only when he had called your name did you stop, the salty tears blurring your eyes as he rushed to your side. Falling to his knees and begging you not to do it, desperately trying to reach out and wrestle the blade from your grip and for a second you had felt his skin against yours. Just for second, and the knife clattered to floor your body soon following as you howled on the floor.

He only watched from the sidelines, his own eyes pooling with tears unable to pull you in and help you. He could only stand to the side as the woman he loved sobbed in the floor, threatening to inflict her own death.

Instead you had slept and when you had woken up he was still there. The others had thought you had been driven mad by grief, they would try to soothe you, tell you he was there in your heart and that it was just denial but it wasn’t. You weren’t crazy he was there, but he was only there for you. Only you could see him leaning against the walls with folded arms as he complained about how poor the cleaning had become since his death, only you could see him as he flew beside you with his ODM gear muttering about how you needed more training now he wasn’t there to save you.

It was beginning to become too much. Seeing him be so close to you and yet so far away. You couldn’t have him, he would never be yours and it pained you that you were the one cursed with having the ability to acknowledge him. How could live like that? Seeing the man you loved and not being able to have him the way you had before, how could you tell Hange or Erwin what you were going through. They wouldn’t understand, they thought you were talking to thin air when you hissed at him to be quiet or to leave you alone, they would exchange pitiful glances.

You were isolated with the ghost of Levi, and every day you wished deeply for him to just leave.

Your mental health being was in danger, slowly unhinging as you tried you hardest to deny his ghost. Raking your fingers through your hair and over your skin leaving it raw and red as he begged you to stop but what could he do? He couldn’t leave you, he could see that him being with you was slowly killing you, draining you of your sanity. He wanted nothing more then to just leave and stop inflicting the torture onto you, but he couldn’t.

So you would drive yourself to the edge.

It was late in the evening when you finally snapped.

The quill you had been using finally drying of ink, your hand cramping and your eyes hardly able to stay open as your heavy eye lids tried to pull you into dream world but you were stubborn. Your hand continuing its movement over the endless pieces of parchment, the candle light flickering over your skin where scratches and scars were hidden under the material of your scout uniform.

You didn’t know what time it was, you didn’t care you just needed to stay awake. It was bad enough having him in real life unable to come into contact with, but to have him in a dream where you could run your hands over him and kiss him was worse. Because in the dream you could wake up and what you wanted in your dream had once been a reality, you had once been able to do the things you dreamt about, but now you were prohibited.

In dreams and reality he was there, always out of your grasp. Always to gaze upon but never to touch.

How much more of it you could take was growing thin.

“You should sleep.” he says from across the office that had once belonged to him, his arms folded as he leaned against the book shelves, his onyx tresses falling over his hooded eyes.

“Yeah because you always got plenty of sleep when you were alive.” you growl as your quill drags over the page of the soldier who died on a previous mission that day.

“I knew when I’d had enough. You would coax me into bed. You remember?” he asked fondly, his features softening when he remembered a time that seemed so long ago, you weren’t even sure if it had happened.

“Would you just shut up?” you growl as you push the quill harder against the paper causing it to rip through the parchment slightly but you ignore it “if you have to be here, if you have to do this to me then just be quiet. Please.”

Levi sighs and stands up straight, making his way over to you but you don’t look up from your work as your brow furrows into a glare. Your hand growing weak and fingers aching as you grip the white feather tighter, gritting your teeth as you try even harder to write your name. Why couldn’t you remember how to write? How did you spell (y/n)?

You felt your mind that had been narrowed on concentration begin to break, the heavy pounding in your head that had kept you able to make it through the endless papers was gradually fading.

Your eyebrow twitched and suddenly the room became much louder, you could hear some scouts walking past your door, you could hear someone laughing from the courtyard outside the office window and the sound of the quill against the paper was beginning to irritate you. Each noise was a disruption and the heat that rose in your body only made you more uncomfortable as you shifted in your seat, the quill shaking in your grip as your eyes blurred with tears which you quickly wiped away.

You feel him beside you, he stood by your side and reached a hand out to take the quill from your fingers and you saw his hand from the corner of your eye. Your pupils shrinking as you jerked your hand away, a cry leaving your lips as you shot up from your chair and stumbled backwards. Falling into the bookshelf behind you causing the leather bound texts to tumble and to fall to the floor with individual thuds, some of the covers opening to spill the pages open, inked words staring back at you as you back further into the bookcase.

Your hair falling over your eyes and the hardwood shelves digging into your back. Levi only stood by the desk glancing at the mess you had created but said nothing else. His head raising to let his silver eyes meet yours, the pain that filled them for a second stealing your breath.

His hurt evident in his feature as you had pulled so sharply away from him, he had hoped by now you would have grown used to him but it seemed you would only allow yourself to talk to to him and even then he was walking in egg shells.

“Don’t come near me.” you hiss, edging along the book case a wild and untamed look in your eyes and he does as you say remaining still.

“(Y/n)...”

“Don’t.” you snap, your body shaking as you glare at home through tiered eyes your vision blurring with hot tears as your hand instinctively goes to begin to claw at your face.

Your nails dragging over your eyes, pulling and pinching the the skin, your hands running down your arms and gripping the fabric in clenched fists.

His jaw is clenched as he watches you inflict the pain on yourself, his eyes brimming with tears that run down his cheeks as he hears the sound of long nails being repeatedly embedded along skin. He wanted to hold you, but he don’t know how you would react to him breaking your rule and allowing himself to get near.

His heart tugging in his chest and although he had long since abandoned the right to breath his felt a tightness grow in his chest at the sight of you.

“Why are you doing this to me?” you sob.

Your fingers now grasping your hair and pulling against the roots, the tears uncontrollably falling down your face, the burning in your scalp never ceasing as you let your hands fall to your sides, falling into the door behind you, struggling to breathe and your head growing light as the strain from the last few months finally crashes down.

“Why are you torturing me like this Levi?” you whisper, letting your eyes wander up to meet his a strangled moan leaving your mouth as you see him staring at something on the desk. His tear streaked face glistening in the candle light as his hair falls over his eyes.

“I’m not trying to.” he replies hoarsely, his voice breaking as he raises his head to meet you the hopelessness evident on his face “you think I want to hurt you like this?”

“It seems like it.”

“I’m in pain too.” he growled, his usually monotone and bored voice that had once filled your days now shaky and pained, his eyes squeezing shut allowing more glistening tears to roll out from under his lashes and down his face “I can’t feel you either. I see you do this shit to yourself and it’s because of me. Do you know how much that hurts? To see the woman I love, the woman I died to protect,destroy herself because of me?”

“I watched you die!” you yell, reaching for the closest object you can find “that was punishment enough!”

Your hand curling around a candle holder on a nearby shelf and hurling it at him, the brass object smashing into the wall behind where Levi stood. His body flickering and growing transparent as it passes through him, the candle holder denting against the brick as it clatters to the floor.

Your body trembled at the sight of it, your lip quivering as the waterworks continued to pour down your flushed cheeks, your legs buckling and you fell to the floor. Clutching your head in your hands, your shoulders shaking as violent sobs wrack your body.

You longed to have him run his fingers through your hair, to bury your nose into his body and inhale his soapy scent that had always managed to calm you dos . To hear him whisper sweet nothings in your ear as he wrapped you in a secure embrace, protecting you from the world and prying eyes. But he only stood where he was, watching.

He would always watch.

“I-I saw you die...” you whisper again, your eyes closing as you tried to regain control of your breathing “you died and I had gotten over you. Then you’re here again and I-I can’t do anything but hear and see you. The man I love is right in front of me and I can’t do anything but look at you! Never to touch! Never to kiss! I can only stare at you and my heart aches for you Levi. I want you to be mine again.”

“I am yours.”

You snap your eyes open, your gaze finding his from under the wild locks of hair that fall over your face, your heart aching in your chest and weighing you down. The grief exhausting you to no ends as you pine for something, someone you couldn’t have.

You just want to feel his lips against yours, you just want him back.

“Can’t you see what you’re doing to me?” you breathe slamming your head back against the door, the pounding of your skull against the wood sending tremors of pain through your head “I’m going insane.”

“You’re not insane.” he says walking around the desk, cautiously so as not to spook you again but you seem to engrossed in thinking your head against the door to notice.

“I have in my sleep and then I wake up and your there. Like you never left and my dreams...my dreams were once reality.” you say your voice thick with tears “what I fantasise about was once my life. You were my life.”

He swallows as he stays a few meters from where you sit, his empty and pained eyes never leaving your body. The tears having ceased from cascading but the evidence of him crying was still streaked in the lines of shining moisture on his translucent skin as he stared down at you.

“I can’t do this anymore.” you whisper as you rock yourself back and forth, your eyes unblinking as you run a hand gently over your eyes “I c-can’t do this anymore...Levi please...please save me.”

Levi felt his heart completely shatter in his chest at your words. You wrap your arms around your body and cry into your your knees which you have brought into your chest, tucked into a foetal position with your face hidden from him.

It would make sense that you call out for his help, for him to save you. He had spent his whole existence making sure you were protected, cared for and loved. He had never been the most empathetic or emotional man but with you, with you he allowed himself to show that he cared. He would solve any problems you had, he would snatch you from perilous situations and he would be by your side holding your hand whenever you needed to feel his skin against your own.

But how could he save you this time? How could he solve your problem when he was the issue? How could he snatch you away from he danger when you were the danger to yourself? How could he hold your hand if he could only slip through your fingers?

How could he do anything but watch?

“I don’t want to live anymore.” you mumble, your crying having ceased as you rest your chin on your knees. The tears still fall from your eyes, your long lashes damp and your face reddened as beads of crystal roll down your cheeks.

“Don’t say that brat.” Levi whispers, he steps closer pausing as if waiting for you to set ofd but you remain still, your gaze fixated on a single point so in a moment of selfish weakness he lowers himself to sit beside you.

You visibly tense and the thought of fleeing again pulses through your mind. But your body and mind were completely drained of energy and despite how much you wanted to push him away, you just couldn’t fight him any more.

So you remained sat, your arms wrapped around your legs that were pulled into your chest, your back pressed against the door and your head resting on your knees as Levi sat beside you. His back also pressed against the door and one leg bent to rest his arm on and the other leg stretched out in front of him as he sat beside you making sure to stay a few inches away. The longing to grasp your hand that was beside his being overridden in a desire to keep you as calm as possible.

It was the first time in months you had allowed him to get this close. He wasn’t going to ruin it. Not now.

“I’m living in pain Levi.” you mumble, your eye line never meeting his.

“I know you are.”

“It’s been such a long time since I’ve gotten to hold you. I think I’ve forgotten what you feel like.” you say as more read leak down you face and Levi looks away from you, his eyes closing “I want you back. I want everyone to see what I see. I’m still haunted by the memories and I’m trying to pick myself up piece by piece but without you here...I- I’ve never felt so alone.”

“I’m here.”

“No. Don’t you say that to me. Don’t you say those things to me.” you say shaking your head turning your eyes to meet his and the whole world seems to shift as the eyes of the dead meet the eyes of the living “you’re not really him. You’re not really Levi...y-you’re not real. I know you’re not real. You’re a ghost in my own mind.”

“I am real.”

“No.” you whimpered raking a hand through your hair and resting your head against the door, letting your legs fall in front of you “you’re not. You’re dead. There’s a reason I’m the only one who can see you. You’re not a ghost, you’re a figment of my imagination...Levi’s gone.”

“How can you be sure?” he asks after a short pause “how are you so sure that I’m not real.”

You inhale a shaky breath. Your eyes raw and aching from the crying, your lips trembling and your mind so exhausted you were amazed you could formulate your thoughts.

You knew he wasn’t a ghost. You knew that the man sat beside you wasn’t Levi, he may talk like him, act like him and look like him. But you knew that he wasn’t the spirit of your lover who had perished outside the walls. You knew there was a reason he hadn’t left your side, because you manifested his death.

Seeing him lying on the ground, his eyes open and body in a broken heap had set something off in your mind. The internal pain of having lost your partner had grown like a cancer until it had completely broken you and now you were talking to yourself.

He had never been with you. The man you had been so sure was a ghost sent to haunt you, you now realised was nothing more then your own mind trying to fill a void. It was your mind trying to satisfy the need for him.

You didn’t know where Levi was, maybe he was outside the walls where his body had been left, his spirit wandering the earth trying to find you. Or maybe he was above you, watching from the sky as you blamed him for something he was innocent of.

Wherever his soul was now, it wasn’t with you. It never had been.

“I know you’re not real...” you said quietly, your voice cracking as another wave if tears came washing over you, stoning your eyes and nose making your throat grow dry “I know you’re not real because if you were Levi...if you were the man I love...you would have never have come back to me. You would save me the agony. I know you’re not him because only I could be so cruel to myself. Levi would never let me suffer like this.”

He was quiet for what seemed like the longest time, as if contemplating your words and deciding for himself if they were true. It wasn’t until a smile crept over his face that you felt your heart drop in your chest. You hadn’t known if you were actually right, apart of you hoped he was actually a ghost and he was here with you. But he wasn’t.

“So why do you keep doing this to yourself?” he asks and you stare at him, the side of his face never turning to meet your gaze “if I’m not real, if I’m not a ghost and I can leave you...why am I still here? If I’m not the one torturing you, if Levi isn’t the one that is causing you so much hurt, it must be you doing this to yourself.”

“I can’t let him go.”

“And yet you scream at me to leave.”

“I don’t know what else to do.” you whisper burying your face into you hands “there’s no one else but you to blame.”

Tears leaking down your hands.

“Why can’t you just leave me alone?” you cry and Levi doesn’t say anything.

“You can’t escape your own mind brat.”

“Don’t call me that. Only Levi can call me that.”

“But I am Levi.”

“No!” you yell tearing away from his side, standing up and rushing to the other side of the room.

Your legs trembling as they support your weight, your eyes so scratched from crying you can barely see. Your breathing raspy and strained in your lungs as you choke of the persistent tears that form a lump in your throat.

“You’re not Levi don’t tell me that!” you yell pointing a finger at him “you’re my own mind trying to tell me he’s alive! You’re not real! Just go away. I didn’t ask for any of this!”

You watched with a shaky breath as he stood up by the door, his silver eyes almost taunting you. But you couldn’t feel anything anymore, you wanted so desperately to feel fear, or anger or sadness. You were breathing but you felt like you were dying, the air thin and your whole body aching. You couldn’t fight anymore. You couldn’t keep this up.

Spinning around you lurched over the desk, your shaking hands clasping around the cool metal of a letter opener on your desk as you held to your arm. The point of it pressing into your skin, the sharp sting of its contact sending tremors of pain up your arm. You turn around to face him but he doesn’t do anything. He doesn’t make any moves towards you.

“Aren’t you going to stop me?” you ask, your voice cold.

He raises his head, staring at you through bored eyes.

“Why?” he drawls and your eyes widen.

“Because you love me.”

“I do. But I can’t save you (y/n). No matter how much I want to.” he said, the tears pouring down his face.

“But you always save me.” you breathe, your voice shaky as the grip on the letter opener loosens and it clatters to the floor and you fall beside it.

Your knees hitting the stone floor of the office below you, wiping your eyes with the sleeves of your scout jacket but it does little to stop the flow of tears.

“Y-you always come to save me Levi...” you whisper raising your eyes to meet his.

“I can’t this time.” he replied softly, his beautiful eyes quivering as he silently cried his voice straining as he stood looking down at you.

He seemed hesitant to move any closer, but his boots were inches from where you were trembling on the floor, the light casting his eyes in dark shadows, his angled face vague if any emotion but his eyes continued to swim with salt tears. His hair falling into his face like it always did and the breath hitched in your throat, your mind numb and heart splintering in your chest. Your tears sliding from your face and into the floor.

Why couldn’t he reach down and rest a hand on your back? Why couldn’t he run his fingers through your hair and why couldn’t you wipe away his tears? Why were you being punished?

To have your lover die before your eyes, to grieve and cry every night since his death only for him to appear to you.

“This isn’t fair.” you sob.

Levi sighs, kneeling beside you and before he can think he reaches a hand out to try and grasp your shoulder, to pull you into him and just hold you.

‘Please.’ he begs to anyone who could listen ‘please let me do this...’

But any hope, any leaguer he had vanished as his hand turns transparent and passes through your. His eyes narrowing in pain as you shiver as his attempt to reach out. There had once been a time when you would grin at his physical affection, a time when he could wipe the tears from your face and press his lips to your skin. A time when everything was perfect.

“What’s going on in here?”

Levi snaps his head around to see Hange, Petra and Eld stood in the door way to your office. Their eyes wide at the mess, the books littered on the floor, the candle holder laying dented and discarded by your desk. Their eyes landing on you as you sat, kneeling in the floor with your hands in front of you holding your body up. Your shoulders shaking and tears still rolling down your face, desperate sobs leaving your lips and the three look amongst themselves.

Petra is the first to move toward you, crouching down by your side and wrapping her arms around your trembling form, pressing your head into hue chest and ceasing your head in her arms, her fingers dragging through your hair as she whispered words of comfort to you.

Eld went to your other side to inspect your new wounds, the jagged scratches running up your arms which he takes notice of, his hands running over them as he ties to wipe away any blood.

Hange closes the door behind her, blocking out any prying eyes that may wander past. Making her way to the fallen books, Hange begins to pick them up and place them back on the shelf as they allow Oluo and Petra to try to calm your shaken form. Her glasses flashing in the candlelight as she gently place the leather bound texts back on the wooden shelves, trying her hardest not to scare you should thy be too loud.

“It’s ok (y/n),” Petra coos, her voice airy and soft as her elegant fingers run through your hair as she clutched your head to her chest.

Petra’s brown eyes wander upward to lock with Eld’s blue ones, the two of them exchanged knowing looks and they know what the other is thinking but won’t say it aloud. Instead they go back to trying to console you while Hange continued to clean the office. You sniffles into Petra’s shirt, flinching as Eld wipe away some of the blood by some deep cuts and he apologises, trying to hold back his tears at the sight of you.

Once a proud and capable soldier now broken to an empty shell. The marks of growing insanity present on your skin, the wild look in your eyes from the terror made the man believe that you had just seen a devil. Or something worse.

You peel your eyes open, your tears having ceased and they fall slowly now, small beads sliding over your face. Your hair falling into your face so you could only see parts of the office around you, but you could make out Levi stood in the corner and a cry left your lips. Petra’s hands clutching you tighter.

“Why can’t you see him?” you weep as Petra rocks you back forth, Hange stood shelving the books to witness the scene her eyes soft and dull with sorrow as she shakes her head at Eld who opens his mouth to respond to your queries.

It had been almost a year since her friend had departed and while everyone else had gotten over their grief, it seemed you had yet to conquer the suffering you had inflicted on yourself.

At first it had seemed like things had been going well and that you were recovering. You had started to eat and sleep again, the crying has lessened and you had begun to smile again.

But then the episodes had begun, yelling and screaming that there was a ghost of some sort. That your deceased boyfriend was by your side and tormenting you. It had broken your friends hearts to see you in that state and it was becoming clear that you were not well. That Levi’s death was proving to be a challenge you couldn’t overcome.

“It’s ok (y/n).” Petra coos as she rests her chin on your head her eyes squeezing shut as she holds back her own tears as you cry in her arms, her die brown orbs blood shot and sparkling as she keeps her self together for your sake “there no one there, it’s ok.”

“No he’s here...Levi’s here.” you whimper as your eyes meet his, his handsome face contorted into a grimacing look as he turns his face away from you. His eyes fixated on the ground as the tears continue to slip over his pale cheeks.

“You know this already. They can’t see me (y/n).” he says turning his head back to face you and it’s then you feel your heart lurch.

Your eyes widening and breathing becoming strained as the light is cast over the other side of his face as he turns to face you. A strangled gasp leaving your lips at the sight of him.

His head has been almost split open, scarlet flood looting from the wound and over his face, staining his white skin and drilling onto the floor as it surrounds his eyes and falls in thick trickles down his forehead and over his lips, running off his chin and falling to the floor. His ebony hair matted as it tangled in the blood and the skin around his open wound is torn, hanging from his scalp and his beautiful face is dyed red with his own blood.

Then you can see him.

You can see his body falling from the sky, the blood chasing after him as his left side ploughs through the ground. His name falling from your lips in a strangled cry as you watch from afar as your lover lies, dead on the floor.

“Levi please...” you sob clutching onto Petra “please Levi stop...just go away...”

“Levi’s with all of us (y/n).” Hange says as she moves away from the bookshelf crouching in front of you, her eyes finding yours from under her glasses.

“Back out of it Four eyes.” Levi grumbles.

“Shut up.” you hiss clamping your hands over your ears “shut up. Shut up. Shut up!”

“(Y/n!)” Petra yells as you begin to thrash in her arms, not caring if you hit anyone as your limbs fly out uncontrollably.

You feel Petra pull away from you, desperate to get out the way of your violent act. Hange screaming your name trying to get you to calm

down. It’s not until Eld grabs you by the hair, clamping a hand over your face that you finally pass out. Your body falling limp in his arms, the trio staring down at your unconscious form as you lay sleeping on Eld’s lap. The man holding you into his body as he wipes the tears that stain your reddened cheeks, your thin body trembles with each breath you take as Eld cradles you so carefully.

They remain quiet as you mumble Levi’s name in your sleep, behind closed eyes you run your fingers over him. You feel his skin warm against your own, in the fantasy of being in a dream you can feel his breath against your hair as he buries his nose into your neck, telling you over and over again how much he loves you as he pressed himself into you.

You couldn’t escape the agony, because when you woke up, when you were torn from the dream world you would be forced to see gaze upon him without ever being able to feel his lips against yours.

And Levi could only watch as his friends tended to your body.

He could only watch as you mumbled his name without ever being able to pull you into his arms.

He could only stand to the side in a room of people who didn’t even know he was there, people he had once lived beside and loved.

The one person who could see him, the one person who he cared and cherished more then anything was being driven to the edge of insanity by him.

It was ok if he cried some more. It wasn’t like anyone would notice. So he watched quietly.

What else could he do?

...

Merry Christmas

@jean-does-not-have-a-horseface

Not sure I like this one but here you go

✨Masterlist✨

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tomakiriya-tm · 4 years ago

Note

how does levi kiss like the first kiss as a couple or just random levi kissing headcanons!!

author note :: very cute ask thank you to anon. my requests are always open and i try to get to them eventually !!! :-)) word count :: 1.6k... i have too much to say

the first time levi kisses you all he can think about is whether or not he’s doing it right. sure, he’s had his fair share of kisses but he’s never overthought it to this extent

he’s the one to initiate it. he approaches you and gives you a warning before he does – “i want to kiss you.”

you would have thought someone like levi would be hard and rough with the way they kiss but instead he swoops in awkwardly – your noses bump against each other and he softly presses his lips against yours

he doesn’t pick a very good moment to do it. you’re covered from head to toe in sweat and are beyond surprised he’s thought you’re worthy enough to be kissed especially when in this state. you assumed he’d like it better if you were cleaner

but what you don’t know is the reason why he’s kissed you, levi knows he’s bad at expressing himself, he knows no matter how hard he tries he’s bound to be misinterpreted at some point. he just wants to make you feel loved. his usual way of doing it is by taking care of you or scolding you when you make mistakes during training

he’s been told time and time again that it doesn’t even look like the two of you are dating. it’s probably because dating levi isn’t much different from any other relationship with him, for the most part it doesn’t seem like much has changed to everyone else

so he really does want you to know that you are in fact different and special to him. he’s secretly very insecure about you leaving him. he thinks maybe if he doesn’t show how much you mean to him you’ll leave and he doesn’t want you to leave

that’s how the two of you have got here, levi’s been wondering when to do it all day and something kicks in when he sees you walk out of the stables. you still seem so upbeat despite the current climate of the world around you

no matter how dark everything’s become you’re an ever present light in levi’s life, your shine never dulls

and so he takes his opportunity not caring if your hair is disheveled or if sweat layers your forehead. he’s happy to do it no matter the circumstances.

midway through the kiss he cradles your face in his hands and you both just kinda stare at each other, it isn’t awkward the both of you are just in awe that levi’s the one to initiate the first kiss

usually when you hold hands you’re the one to place your palm into his, if you hug you’re the one who’s placed your arms around his frame. the only time levi’s ever initiated physical contact is when he’s adjusting the straps of your gear

so really for him to initiate something as huge as your first kiss together really is heartwarming

he pulls you back into the kiss by intertwining your fingers together and leaning in so he can continue again. for some reason he just gets emotional by it all. maybe it has something to do with the way the world stops when he kisses you. he’s resilient and doesn’t let any tears fall but he shakes trying to hold himself together

of course you sense the trembling when your hand begins to vibrate against his. you immediately stop not wanting to overwhelm him.

levi looks hurt by that, he thinks you might have not enjoyed it but then you wrap your arms around his neck to steady yourself and press a soft kiss against his forehead

“are you doing this to show me that you love me?” the question you murmur against his chest has him scowling but you can see the hint of a blush creep up his cheeks

“why would i do that? you should know i like you.” he nearly smacks himself across the face when he says like instead of love. he doesn’t mean it, he does love you he’s just too embarrassed to say it

he half expects you to be angry about that but you smile and he’s never felt more grateful to have you around

“i’m glad you like me, that means you care for me.” you tell him

he doesn’t know what to do, he completely malfunctions because you’re just so right for him. you’re so firm in your belief that he loves you that you don’t even need his reassurance to understand that.

“don’t you think i treat you like everyone else?” he asks, he’s been meaning to bring it up for a while now, he has no idea how to act around you

“no i love you. you bring me tea every day. you don’t do that for anyone else. i think i’m pretty special just for that!!! :-)”

at that levi kisses you again not because he wants to show you he loves you and so you don’t leave. he kisses you this time because he knows you won’t leave him and he knows you’re aware of his love for you

it’s even more soft and gentle than the first kiss you shared together just seconds earlier. you can practically feel the beating of your heart it thumps erratically and at this rate it may as well jump right out of your chest

levi’s holding up much better after hearing your soothing words. he has no doubt you love him. usually touching his hair is a no go for most people but he allows you to play around with it, you’re understandably fidgety and nervous and don’t know where to put your hands

by the time the both of you pull away panting he acts like it hasn’t happened for a few minutes. he sits there thinking woah so i finally did that ????

then he starts worrying what if you didn’t like it ??? what if you were pretending to enjoy it ??? what if he was a bad kisser ??? what if—

“you look worried.” you say looking right into his eyes, you’ve always been able to see right through him.

“am i a bad kisser?” the question leaves his mouth so quietly it’s inaudible and you have to ask him to repeat himself again

being physically intimate has always caused worries for him and he can’t help but overthink. he refuses to repeat what he’s said but you won’t let it go

“fine...” he can’t even look up at you. “i asked if i was a bad kisser. what if you like me less because...well yeah.”

god

he’s just so

endearing????

everyone assumes he’s the type to just kiss and go for it without much thought but honestly he really does think about the importance of the action for a long time

“you can kiss very well. trust me.” your fingers curl into the fabric of his button up, you can see that there’s a still a little uneasiness left in his eyes

“and anyway if you couldn’t kiss i’d just teach you how. it’s no big deal.”

his face lights up and the ghost of a smile makes itself known – “then why don’t you teach me what i don’t know?”

and then he’s back at it, once levi starts kissing you it takes a lot to stop him and you telling him that he can actually kiss pretty well has him feeling on top of the world!!!

all in all levi is a gentle kisser for the most part. it’s a popular assumption that he’s rough and powerful with it but really he enjoys savouring the moment. he doesn’t have to go hard and fast, he’d much rather spend his time with you. he finds that going slow makes it all the more meaningful :-)

a few other random yet specific headcanons i have about levi kissing !!! :

levi prefers to kiss you on the forehead or cheek compared to the lips because your reaction is always bashful and flustered, it’s nice to see that

after your first kiss he builds his confidence up, he feels comfortable kissing you anywhere even in front of others but that doesn’t mean he will. pda isn’t really his thing, sure he’ll respond if you kiss him in front of other people but he saves kisses for when you’re alone. it’s purely because he doesn’t like having others spectate.

very bad at reading hints, if you want to initiate a kiss with him you’ll just have to go for it because no matter how much you hint at it he won’t understand

“are you going to kiss me or am i going to have to lie in my journal?”

“since when have you kept a journal??”

likes to kiss you after you’ve both had your daily cup of tea, no explanation needed it’s pretty self explanatory

once he accidentally bit your tongue and he hasn’t been able to live it down ever since. whenever you bring it up he just acts like he hasn’t heard you, it’s too embarrassing to talk about again.

another time jean told him he wasn’t romantic enough and despite disliking pda levi grabbed you by the waist and dipped you out nowhere so he could kiss you. yeah,, that really did shut jean up and levi was understandably incredibly smug about it :-)

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