tjh3
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tjh3 · 5 years ago
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Lost Again
I've lost again. As I said in a previous entry, I always lose. Things never work out for me. I always lose. *cries*
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tjh3 · 5 years ago
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Long Roads
I've gotten to see her now for two Sundays in a row. That has made me happy. Last Sunday we had a serious talk about things. She said she doesn't want to think about a relationship or a future relationship until things in her life are in better order. I was just wanting to know if I was even the kind of person she would consider dating when things are better, or if she would never date someone like me. We do have some differences which, for some people, might make any dating possibilities more difficult. She said she was "broken" and couldn't even think about the future. While we were discussing such things she would lean away from me on the couch and would barely look at me, hiding her eyes with her hair as if she was hiding something in them she didn't want me to see. I started to explain to her that I was broken too, and that my last year was very hard on me. While doing so I started to break down and cry. When I did, she leaned into me, gently took my hand and held it with hers, put her arm around me and hugged me so very closely. It was one of the most touching moments I have experienced in my entire life. No one has ever held me the way she did at that moment. And I just started sobbing uncontrollably. She held me so close and so caringly, as she softly told me that everything was going to be ok. This seemed to last a long while, I really don't know how long she held me like that, as time no longer mattered and did not exisit in that moment.
After that, things started to go back to the way they had been earlier in the evening. We watched a movie and I left shortly after that. I wasn't sure how the rest of the week was going to go. That Tuesday she didn't feel very well at all, and I barely heard from her. Then on Wednesday she called me after choir practice. I wanted to tell her about a possible piano gig I may have found for her. We spoke for quite a while, and I found out that she started taking major steps to work things out in her life. I told her I was happy for her and proud of her for doing so. I am not sure if her taking these steps had anything to do with our conversation on Sunday or not. I hope so.
On Saturday I had a very bad day. The day before I had found a second possible piano gig for her. I didn't hear from her at all Friday. I told her Saturday around lunch time to call me after I got out of work if she wanted to hear about it. It was about an hour after I got out of work when she texted to ask me how work was. I replied it was a rough day. She didn't say much back. I told her again to call if she was interested in the gig. I didn't think she was going to, but about 20 min later she did. She could tell I was down and said a couple things that made me laugh and feel better. Then we talked for about and hour about a bunch of stuff, and I told her about this new piano gig. I asked to see her again the next day. She finally agreed to let me know when she got home from church, which she did, but I was afraid she wasn't going to. She said she wasn't sure what she was going to do for the day, so I said how about I come out and we can decided after I get there. She said ok. We went to lunch then after that to the antique store she likes. We had a good time at the antique store. Then I took her home and I hung out and talked with her as she did chores around her place. At one point, toward the end of the evening, she showed me a box full of old photos from her high school and college years. It was really nice. But sometimes she is really hard to read. The entire day, at the antique store and at her place after, sometimes she would get close to me, or let me get close to her, then at other times she would shy away from it. It makes it so hard to tell what she wants. But I am doing my best to try and make all the right choices. I don't want to scare her away. This is going to be a very long road to see where things go. I just hope it leads to something very special.
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tjh3 · 5 years ago
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So close
So the new year will be here in just a couple hours. It's also her birthday today. I would have loved to have spent the evening with her, but I knew her friends were going to be there. I texted her a happy birthday this morning. She texted back a thank you. With her friends over I was going to leave it at that, I didn't want to bother her while she had company. But a couple hours later she texted to ask me if the stores were open. I told her yes and that I had to work from 12:30 to 8. She said that her friends were "kidnapping her" as she put it, to Pittsburgh. I asked if she was ok with it. She said no, not really. The weather started getting bad too, and I really didn't want her to go. But she did stop in to the store, and she made sure to come when she knew I would be there. I talked with her some and wished her a happy birthday in person then I walked her out. I asked if I could have a hug before she left for Pittsburgh, and she hugged me. I told her to be safe and asked if she would let me know when she got back home. She said they were bringing her back on Friday and that she would let me know. I was so worried about her going to Pittsburgh with the roads getting bad. She said she would be safe. I had hoped that she might think to text me that she got down there ok too, but I thought that she probably wouldn't. But indeed she did text me and let me know she made it there safely. That felt so good. First that she was safe. Second that she thought of me and knew that I was worried and would want to know. I think that things are heading in the right direction again. At least I really really hope so. And I hope this time away with her friends doesn't get things messed up in her head again.
I've been saying things like "I could fall for her" and "I am falling for her." But I realize now that the reality is, I am in love with her. I just hope she is willing to accept that love and to love me back.
The new year is so close. And so is my chance for love again.
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tjh3 · 5 years ago
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What will the new year bring
It has been a long and tumultuous year. I am thankful to have it almost over. I hope that the new year is much much better. I don't know if I can take another like this one.
It's the new girl's birthday tomorrow, New Year's Eve. I bought her a present and took it to her yesterday after work. I wasn't able to get a hold of her the entire day, which of course had me worried. So I went to her place and set the present at her door; and just as I got back in my car to leave she called me back. She had a bad day. So I told her I was outside and I had a birthday present for her. She came down and we went inside. I got her a gift card from the one supermarket (money for food is really tight for her right now) and several packages of the specific ramen noodles that she likes, and lastly a cute little stuffed hedgehog. I also got her a nice birthday card too. She unwrapped the present and opened the box and ofcourse saw everything in there. Then she says "I get a hedgehog too?" It was cute the way she said it. Then she picked up the hedgehog and squished it. I could tell it made her feel good, and happy. She read the card, and a little letter I had in it too. I'm glad it worked out that she opened the present when I was there. It was good to know that it made her happy. So then we talked a little and I found out what had her upset earlier that led to her bad day. She had friends coming up from Pittsburgh and they had originally suggested to her that she could go down there instead (they've always come to visit her previously.) Well she said her car was not the best to go that far and she didn't want to drive that far by herself. So they then told her after they came up, that they wanted to take her down to Pittsburgh. Well, she really really didn't want to go, and I could tell right away by the way she sounded and the way she looked when she said it. And I knew then what caused her day to go bad. She said she ended up falling asleep and her alarm didn't go off and she pretty much slept most of the afternoon away. She was suppose to clean her place (it really needed it if she was having company) and hadn't done anything. So I offered to stay and help her clean. I didn't care, all I wanted to do was spend time with her. Nothing else mattered, I just wanted to spend time with her. So we spent a few hours cleaning and stopped a few times to talk a little. A couple times while cleaning, it looked like she was about to cry. I did what I could to make her feel better and comfort her. Then when she started to get tired and I was getting ready to go I said to her "So do you like your hedgehog?" She said yes and thanked me again for the presents and for helping her clean, then she stepped next to me and put one arm behind my back and lay her head against my shoulder and hugged me close. It felt so good, and made me so very happy, I hugged her tightly back. I wasn't sure if she would hug me like that again. I'm hoping that she is thinking maybe it's ok after all for her to have feelings back towards me. I'm hoping she is realizing that I can help make her happy and be a good and positive influence on her life. I'm also hoping very much so that her friends listened to her and didn't drag her down to Pittsburgh when she really didn't want to go anywhere.
So only time will tell if I have been doing everything right to build this into a lasting relationship. If so, then the new year may just be the best one I have had in a very long time. I really need this. And I think she does too.
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tjh3 · 5 years ago
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Still so unsure...
I went over to this new girl's place the other night. We sat together on her couch and watched a movie. Afterword she sat on a chair accross from the couch. We talked for a few minutes, then things got silent. So I went over and hugged her and held her, for quite a while, until she didn't want to anymore. Afterwords she said softly, but I think it was more to herself "I can't have those thoughts, my life is so messed up right now."
Things were a little awkward then for a little while. Then a little while after that when I was getting ready to leave I saw a container full of rocks she collected from the beaches around the Erie area. We've talked about collecting rocks a couple of times before. When I went to look at them, she picked the container up, and started going through them and was handing them to me to see. Some of them were really cool actually, but she just kept handing them to me and I couldn't hold them all. But I could tell she was happy showing them to me. Then we went down the stairs to her front door and she had more rocks down there so she started handing me and showing me all of those rocks too. It was unexpected. But I could definitely see that it made her happy, and I certainly wanted to leave on a happy note. When I finally did leave she hugged me. So that was good too. I told her how wonderful she is. She is so down about herself so much. I'm trying to build her up, to help her see that she really is wonderful. And I truly believe that she is. I just hope if I tell her so now and then, that maybe she will start to realize it and believe in herself. I also told her that in the Spring we should go rock hunting on the beaches together some time. I told her about some of the rocks that I have found too. I'm going to take some of them to show her next time I go to see her.
But I just don't know if she is even willing to take things further and offially date each other. When I do go see her she always makes a point of stating at some point something about being "friends." And then one thing that really really bothers me is at other points (too often actually,) she is always talking about all these other guys, most of them ex's, and also has talked a few times about some of these guys spending the night at her place. I hate when she does that. I'm pretty sure she is having sex with some of these guys too, and that bothers me. I feel that they are just using her, especially in the vulnerable state that she is currently in.
But then when I am with her she does hug me, and let me hug her. We haven't cuddled like we did that one Saturday, and I so very much miss that. I hope we can get back to that point again. And we text every day, and even talk on the phone most days. It's been two days since I was last over to her place, and we've talked on the phone each day since, and for over an hour each time.
I hope I am doing all the right things. I hope she someday decides she wants a deeper relationship with me. But right now, I just don't know.
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tjh3 · 5 years ago
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What to do...
This new girl, she is going through a very difficult time. It's very hard for her. I want more than anything to hold her and comfort her. I could fall for her. If she wanted me to, I could so fall for her. She said she doesn't want to ruin my life. I wish she knew that she couldn't ruin my life. I wish she knew that she is actually a light in my life, a beacon to keep me from drowning. How can I help her understand that? How can I be a beacon for her to keep her from drowning? I'm not sure what to do to reassure her of that. I just don't know....
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tjh3 · 5 years ago
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Someone New
I've met someone new. She is cute and adorable and so very wonderful. I've been trying to get to know her better for a couple years now and she finally texted me the other day. Then she called me the next day. The day after that I took her out to dinner and while at dinner she invited me back to her place to watch a movie.
Last Saturday I was over at her place again and we cuddled on her couch, and it was so wonderful. I have missed that SO much. I have needed that SO much. And when I had to leave she hugged me really tightly and didn't want to let go. Then when I went to walk to my car she held my hand and didn't want to let go of it. That was so great, and it felt so very good to feel wanted. It was such an amazing feeling.
I am hopeful, but also so very scared. There are some major obstacles to overcome, and we are very different from each other. Those things could prevent things from going any further. And she is so not the kind of person I ever would have considered dating before, but her wonderfulness and adorableness and her wonderful smile and so many other things about her make me want to be with her and hope things work out.
I really really hope so.
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tjh3 · 5 years ago
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Platitudes
I was watching a Hallmark movie the other day and in it one character said to another "You are worried about what happens if you take a chance on love and lose. But you should be asking, what happens if you never take a chance on love at all."
That's all fine and dandy and all, but I've taken many chances on love. And recently I've taken one of the biggest chances on love I have ever wanted and needed to take. And I lost. I lost really really big. I ALWAYS lose, every single time. And I am so sick and tired of losing. I just can't take it anymore. It is too much. She has been the most important person to ever come into my life. I've never wanted anything more in my entire life. I've said this time and time again in my previous entries. And I've lost everything. She won't even talk to me at all anymore. It seems almost a little petty even. Why? Why can't she still be my friend? How does any of my feelings hurt her in any way? She doesn't lose a thing, at least nothing she ever had or even wanted. Or maybe she does. People say "It's her loss for not giving you a chance." Is it though? I mean sure she will never get to know how wonderful I could be to her, how well I would treat her, how loving I could be to her when I hold her and caress her. But can you really lose something you have never even experienced or even wanted??? But I know how great it could be, so it is most certainly my loss not hers. And now it seems I've lost her friendship too. Nine years of friendship just thrown away as if it never meant anything to her. It meant the world to me. Again, I lose. I lose greatly.
"That's ok." Everyone says. "There are plenty of 'fish' in the sea." "Something will come along when you least expect it."
Yeah, sure. Only for me to lose yet again. I always lose.
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tjh3 · 5 years ago
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A while
I've been wanting to post this for a while now, but things have been busy. First I was away on vacation in North Carolina for a week, then just as I was coming back home I found out that a very good friend of mine had passed away. His family wanted his friends to help clean out his place. And with that and his funeral, the first couple weeks back were rather tough. Then after that I was just so run down, I just didn't feel like posting anything. But I have finally gotten around to posting this.
So, I found out one day that she broke things off with her boyfriend. I noticed one day she removed her relationship status on Facebook. I didn't know how long ago this was removed, but based on how angry she got when I asked about it, I can only assume with in a day or two of my asking about it. Just my luck I happen to notice just as it happened and it made her mad. Whatever.
Well, with in a week she mentioned having a boyfriend again. She jumped right into another relationship right away. This isn't the first time she has done that, and frankly I think it isn't healthy. She needs to stop jumping from relationship to relationship to relationship. She needs to take some time and be single for a little while. I think that is probably a big reason all her relationships never seem to last. I think she is looking for all the wrong things and she jumps into the next relationship based on the same wrong things she was looking for in the previous relationships. Well, it is what it is. Whatever.
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tjh3 · 5 years ago
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Concerning again
Once again she is barely talking to me. I had several photos I wanted to show her, and a few things to chat about. Nothing big, nothing major, nothing relationshipy. Just things friends might talk about, and things we both like. I sent a couple of the photos and I got a quick "Those are nice!" and then nothing else. There were a couple more photos I wanted to send and I sent those too. Nothing else. I had a couple questions, and I asked them, nothing. No response. I doubt she even looked at any of the pictures. I could have sent a picture of a pile of shit and she probably would have said "That's nice!" just to humor me and hope I go away. We've maintained a friendship for 9 years, and it feels like she just wants to throw that away. And why? All because I have feelings for her? That's a good reason to throw away the friendship we have had all these years???? I thought she was a better person than that.
And what does she have to lose? She said she doesn't want to date me. Fine, I'm not trying to date her, I'm not expecting her to start having feelings for me, I've said this hundreds of times. She isn't risking her feelings. Where does she lose in all of this??? She gets to have someone care about her, want to do things to make her happy, someone who wants to spend time with her (even if we never do again,) and she doesn't have to do anything, not a thing. She has no investment at all, doesn't have to put in any effort at all. I am the one who is risking everything. I am the one who's feelings are going to get hurt. I know this. It's not the first time. But my feelings are going to get hurt no matter what. No matter what. If she never talks to me ever again, I am going to get my feelings hurt. If we remain friends and even are close friends, and someday she marries someone else, I am going to get my feelings hurt. So I am the one who loses. I am going to lose no matter what. But having her barely talk to me, having her throw away our friendship we have built, losing her out of my life. Those things hurt me more, they hurt a thousand times more than if we stay friends and she marries someone else. It's the story of my life, I always lose no matter what I do. All I know is that with her part of my life, even as a good friend, makes the losing a little more bearable.
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tjh3 · 5 years ago
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Why not me?
So there is a new guy at work. I found out that he is the same age as me. He looks about 10 years older than me, if not more. And he has a fiance who is 29. That is a year younger than the person I wish more than anything wanted to share her life with me. Why can't things like this happen to me? Why do other people get to have all the things I wish more than anything to have? Why can't I be lucky enough to have things like this happen to me too? Why not me???
It's not like I set out to only fall in love with someone 17 years younger than me. It wasn't my goal to fall in love with someone with such an age difference. If I could snap my fingers and make the age difference between us be much less, be at a point where it didn't bother her, I would do it in a heartbeat. I didn't fall in love with her because she is younger than me, I fell in love with her for the person that she is. I never intended for it to happen, it just did. I can't change that, and I don't know if I would want to even if I could. As I have said before, others treat love so flippantly, or they take it for granted. I could never be like that, I don't want to ever be like that. I wish the rest of the world wouldn't either. I feel so out of place sometimes. I've always said I was born out of the proper time. I was born either 30 or more years too late, or 30 or more years too soon, all I know is this is not the right place for me, not the right time for me. But here I am, stuck where I don't belong.
So where am I going wrong, what am I doing wrong that someone who, usually seems happy talking to me, and what few times we've spent hanging out together seems to enjoy my company, can't even consider the possibility of anything beyond friendship? If all it is, is the age difference, how can I see so many other people around me with similar issues not have a problem, but it can't be worked through in my case? Or does it come down to what I've said before and what I fear, there is something else wrong with me and there is nothing about me worth loving. One of my friends from my college years got mad at me for saying that before. But time and time and time and time again no one wants to be with me. So what else am I to think? There have been two times in my life, where maybe this wasn't true. Briana and Kristin. But in the end what ever they felt for me at first must have faded away, because their feelings for me were not enough to overcome obstacles that made being in a relationship with them difficult. The obstacles could have been overcome in both cases over time, and I have seen those obstacles get worked out with others. But not for me. Just like now, it never works out for me. It works out for everyone else, but never for me.
And it's not like I have nothing to offer. I own my own home. I now own my own car, and it's a nice car too, it's not some old beat up car. I have some bit of stability that most don't ever have. Granted it's not perfect, and I still have a little ways to go. And finally finding a serious long term relationship would be a big corner piece to the puzzle.
I feel so far behind where I planned my life to be. Maybe that's why I definitely don't feel nearly as old as I am. I feel much closer in age to her than what I really am. I had hoped to have attained all of this by my early 30's. And I want to bring some of that stability to her life. I don't want her to be 10 or 15 years down the road saying the same things I am saying now. I want to give her some stability. That's what love is though, wanting to share what you can to take some of the burden off the one you love. Not that I, or anyone else could ever solve all of someone else's problems, no it's no like that. It's about being able to share what I can when I can, and being there for moral support for all the rest, as well as her being there for me at times when I need it too. And it's not like she doesn't have anything to offer me in return. The best relationships are a two way street.
Well, it's getting late, and I think maybe I can finally fall asleep.
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tjh3 · 5 years ago
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Tired
I've been meaning to post for several days now, but I've been just so very tired lately. Unusually tired. Doesn't feel right, I don't know why. Hopefully things go back to normal soon.....
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tjh3 · 5 years ago
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Shattered Dreams
This is a poem that I wrote a very long time ago. Probably like 20 years ago. This poem has always been my life, and it feels like it always will be. I hope not, but lately.... I just don't know anymore. I don't know how much more of it I can take.
If anyone sees this and is considering reposting, it is copyrighted by me and needs my permisson first before using.
Shattered Dreams
I look through the window and see into my future.
Happiness and joy I see on the other side.
A future thought only to be a dream, but so close it seems almost real.
Not far now it seems.
I want to reach out and take it in hand now.
But the glass, a barrier only permitting me to stand and watch.
In an instant the glass shatters.
The image on the other side disappears into nothing.
With out any warning.
Gone in the blink of an eye.
I stare down at the pieces laying on the floor.
A reflection of a tear running down my cheek.
Hundreds of tears before me.
The memory of the dream quickly fading.
I reach out in the hopes of glancing one last look.
One last fleeting moment of that happiness.
Trying to hold tightly to that dream.
A crimson stain begins to gather on the floor.
Taking with it all the hope that nothing will change.
And nothing will ever be the same again.
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tjh3 · 5 years ago
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Cosmic Journey
I watched the movie Passengers staring Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence today. Such a great movie.
A somewhat fitting movie for how my life feels.
I want so very very much to find someone who loves me the way that Aurora (Lawrence) loves Jim (Pratt) at the end of the movie. But my life feels so very lonely as it did for Jim at the beginning when he was all alone. And to find my Aurora, would I be stranding her in my less than desirable life? My life is nothing of what I wanted or hoped for, nothing I dreamed of. Would my Aurora be so willing, in the end, to give everything up to be with me? Is there even an Aurora out there for me, waiting? I wish I knew, because all I feel and all I know right now is the loneliness, and I don't know how much longer I can withstand it.
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tjh3 · 5 years ago
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Here we go again
So Thursday, we had a really great conversation, it made me so happy just to talk to her and have such a great normal conversation. I wanted to ask her again about going hiking with her again sometime, but things were so great that I didn't, because I knew if I did she would go all quiet again. I didn't want to ruin it, so I didn't ask. Toward the end I asked a couple other questions that were not things that make her go silent and they went unanswered for several hours, that's nothing unusual, in fact it's quite normal. But then, hours later she answered them and said she was in an area that didn't have cell coverage. That WAS unusual. In the past she has always just left the conversation hanging, and if there were questions she would leave them unanswered. That's always been the normal with her. Answering them later, telling me she didn't have cell service? That IS unusual for her. And I wish I knew, I would have responded back to her if I knew she would answer them later.
But the next day? Total silence again. And I didn't even say anything the day before that makes her afraid I am thinking she has changed her mind about wanting to be with me! Do I want her to? Sure I do, I would be an idiot if I didn't want her to or hope she would. And it wouldn't be real love that I feel for her if I didn't want or hope for her to love me back. BUT I am not expecting her to! That's the big difference. I wish she understood that.
I wish she could love me, I wish I was worthy of her love, I wish there was something anything about me that made me deserving of being loved, especially loved by her.
Just because we have a great conversation, it doesn't mean that I am suddenly thinking she has found something about me to finally fall in love with me. Maybe someday she will, but I doubt there is anything about me that anyone could love. If the one person in the entire world who can, with one look, see right through me and into the depths of my soul can't find anything about me worth loving, then there must be nothing. But if she does, if she ever finds something hidden in there worth loving me for, it is going to take a lot more than several great conversations for me to believe it. For starters, it is going to require a face to face discussion. And since I can't even get her to just go hiking together again... Well, aparantly I'm not even worth spending time with.
Unless there is something else. Unless she is afraid of actually falling in love with me. Otherwise all the sudden silences after wonderful conversations just don't make any sense. I've told her dozzens of times, I am not expecting her to change her feelings. I mean they are just conversations, it takes more than that for a serious relationship. And they seem happy, they are certainly happy on my end. And I think they are happy on her end too. Who doesn't want to keep doing things that make them happy? Why is she so afraid of being happy talking to me? The conversation we had Thursday....it was happy, and I'm sure for her as well as me. Is she afraid of loving me? If so, why? No, it can't be that. Occam's razor, the simplest is the most likely, I am not worth loving, I don't deserve to be loved.
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tjh3 · 5 years ago
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Am I the only one
I think I have identified one of the biggest problems. It's the rest of the whole damn world, that's the problem.
I was talking to someone, someone who should be helping me to stay positive but who has always my entire life gone straight to the negative. They mentioned the difference in age, and then in a later sentence said "maybe if you had money...." So that's it then? That's what makes a difference!!! Age doesn't matter but only if I have money??? Or what else? Maybe I need to be super hot like Hollywood actors too! Because let's just make only the superficial shit matter when it comes to who we should be in a relationship with and who we should fall in love with. I've seen young women, many way younger than me, and some even the same age as the woman I have fallen so desperately in love with, swoon over the thought of Brad Pitt. He's almost 10 years older than me!!! But it doesn't matter with him and the age difference, because he is super hot and has lots of money. Because only the superficial matters. That is just such bullshit!
Am I the only one in this god damn forsaken world who actually cares about the important stuff? What about things such as "Do they make you happy?", "Do you enjoy being with them?", "Do they care about you and your feelings?" What about all those things, when do they matter? If you ask me all those types of things are important and everything else be damned! I don't give two shits about any thing else or what anyone else thinks. The divorce rate in this country gets worse every year, well now we know why. Because people don't give a shit about the things that ARE important in a happy relationship.
Does she make me happy? Yes.
Do I enjoy talking with her? Yes, every single word.
Does the thought of spending any amount of time with her make me happy? Yes, more than she could ever possibly imagine.
Do I smile at just the mere thought of her? Yes.
Do I want to make her happy, make her smile, make her feel loved and appreciated? Yes, with every fiber of my being.
Can I imagine a life with out her in it? No, the thought of such things become painful.
Nothing else matters, nothing. Everything else is just bullshit, and the whole god damn fucking world can burn in hell for making the superficial shit matter instead of all the most important stuff. I must be the only person alive who thinks these other things are what's most important above all else. And aparantly I am going to suffer and die alone because of it.
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tjh3 · 5 years ago
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Of wishes and fishes and horses and turnips
I wish so very badly that I could tell her "I love you." To say the actual words, to have her read them, or even hear the words. "I love you." I don't even care if she never says them back. I just wish she knew them from me, and knew that I never say those words lightly. To even just put her name at the end of those words. But I don't want to scare her away. I know if I said them she would go away again, and maybe this time not come back. I can't lose her out of my life, I just can't.
Perhaps if I say them here, maybe that will do, for now at least.
I love you.
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