tismevivz

[tismevivz]

Dear Alexander,

It's been years since we last spoke to each other. However, it has been a long time I just wanted to tell you a few things. For starters, I remember my first day of junior year when you appeared seemingly out of nowhere. I could instantly feel my cheeks heat up for some unknown reason. I just knew I had to talk to you. The amount of courage it took just to ask for your phone number was more than I could bear but, it was successful. The long nights of late-night texts and being as vulnerable as I let myself be with you. I told you more things that I felt than my own best friend who at the time was living in Nevada. We spent so much time together I was so sure we were both developing feelings. 

This was made apparent to me by our peers constantly asking if we were dating yet. We always said no but, on the inside, I always hoped you would just say yes. I remember when you convinced me to go on that 6 Flags ride where you swing around in the air. You held my hand because I was scared and as embarrassed as I was. I still liked it. I never wanted you to let go. I think that was the moment I fell so hard for you. I remember when before midterms I randomly decided to learn some Russian. It was random. I just wanted to tell you my feelings in a not-so-obvious way. Every time we were about to enter the classrooms we would exchange good luck but mine was never that. I always said "я люблю тебя" as a sneaky way of expressing my feelings. You never seemed to know what I was saying and that gave me relief. 

Then came time for prom. Everyone came to me in groups questioning if we were going together. At some point, I even asked you. I was hoping that you would ask me but you never did and I just went with some friends. You never came to prom. There was also the fact that I begged my friend to give me your name for Secret Santa. It Cost me a week of buying their lunch but it was worth it. I wonder if you still have that wolf I gave you. There was. Also, all the days you let me wear your jacket. Sometimes I didn't even ask if you just gave it to me. I remember when you got that new windbreaker and made me wear it. It was almost every day that I wore your jackets. 

As the year ended I still had hope and summer came and went as we continued to text. Though I came clean about things that happened in my past and you seemed to distance yourself. Then my Senior year started, I was excited to see you after the long summer but, reality came crashing down when I learned you weren't coming back that year. You decided to go back to Chico instead and I felt my heart break. Long months of no communication made me feel more lonely than ever before. Even though we weren't going to school together anymore you still would invite me to your swim meets. The last one I came to I was so nervous to come to. I hadn't seen you in months and I was gaining weight like crazy. But the second I entered the pool area you came straight to me with that big smile and I lost it. I watched you swim, cheered for you, loved you. During other events you made me wear your jacket which was wet as you were just wearing it. You even had me attempt to put the swim cap on you which I had never done before. The attempt was bad and we just laughed at it. In the end, you had to leave and I gave you another "я люблю тебя". You never asked what it meant and if you did you never said anything. 

It's sad to think that that was the last time I saw you in person. You always encouraged me during those times to follow what I wanted to do. You made me feel like I was understood and never made me feel stupid or useless like others have. I wonder if you still are pursuing a career in criminal investigation like we talked about in high school. Well, seven years is a long time but I wanted to thank you. I just graduated from Shasta College with my General Education and will be transferring to Chico State in the fall to begin my teaching credentials. I would never have gotten this far if you didn't push me to be a better person. For a long time, I was in love with you and I never received that back. It took me a long time to console those thoughts and feelings. I just wanted you to know that I thought about you all the time. I hope life for you has been going well and that you are striving to complete your goals. You made me stronger and more understanding. Thank you, for being my first love Alexander.  From the bottom of my heart. May this find its way to you someday. я люблю тебя. 

V.Torres

[tismevivz]

Consequences by Camila Cabello with what each verse makes me think about

(Italics are song lyrics Bold is about someone that i am reminded of listening to this song)

(Note: all the bold is about my experiences in the past 2 years and I love this song so much it makes me emotional.)

Dirty tissues trust issues

I have cried over you so many times, I told you so many things about me that no one else knew but, I knew nothing about you

Glasses on the sink they didn’t fix you

Lonely pillows in a stranger's bed

I tried to get you to show you what you were doing to me. So much that I tried to get over you.

Little voices in my head

Secret keeping, stop the bleeding

I knew in the back of my head that you would never like me. You hid things from me. Whether it was so I wouldn't get upset or not.

Lost a little weight because I wasn’t eating

All the songs that i cant listen to, to tell the truth

I was so worried it was because of me that I would starve myself to be thinner, I was so overwhelmed with not being enough. I can’t listen to some songs as they make me think of all the time we spent together.

Loving you was young, and wild, and free

Loving you was cool, and hot, and sweet

We were young we did so much dumb things together that I felt free for the first time of my life. I loved that everyday you would give me cold drinks when i was cold, or your jacket when i was cold. Cause I thought you liked me.

Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound

A steady place to let down my denses

But loving you had consequences

I had never felt so happy being around someone before. It made me feel as if i was actually important to someone for the first time in years so I told you some of my darkest secrets. But I realize now that it may have been a mistake.

Hesitation, awkward conversation

Running on low expectation

We don't talk as often anymore and when we do it's hard because I have so many questions on why you would make me fall in love with you but not want me. I am starting to lose faith that all that flirting was for nothing. That all the sweet words were fake.

Every sign that I was ignoring

I'm payin' for it

I should have known when other people questioned me about you and I would have no answer for them. Now that i know most things are lies I cry every night. I don’t know if i can trust again.

Loving you was young, and wild, and free

Loving you was cool, and hot, and sweet

I loved the way you made me feel as if I could have done anything. I thought since everyone kept telling us we were a cute couple and you never corrected them that you were gonna ask me out soon.

Loving you was sunshine, safe and sound

A steady place to let down my defenses

But loving you had consequences

I told you about my fears about life and my nightmares. I love you so much that I was content with being around you. And if you weren't there for one day I would find myself lost.

Loving you was dumb, dark, and cheap

Loving you will still take shots at me

I felt stupid after knowing you were not coming back, I got really secluded and in my head all the time without you. I love you so much that most nights I think back at the good times and cry because I can’t help but think that you might have not cared this whole time.

From loving you was sunshine, but then it poured

And I lost so much more than my senses

Once I realised it was all a lie my whole world crashed. It all made sense when I waited 3 hours for you at a swim match you were supposed to be at. You invited me but never told me you were not going until it was too late. I lost so much when you left. I was no longer myself.

'Cause loving you had consequences

Loving you

We havent seen eachother in person a year and I still love you. Everytime I tell you that I love you I can physically feel you drift away from me. My first love was never reciprocated but, I would never trade it for anything in the world.

[tismevivz]

The ‘Man In Black’

(Trigger warning: This story is a personal recollection of my own rape experience I've always told it was a nightmare so I don'tknow what to believe}

I remember the encounter with the 'Man in Black' so clearly. I should give you some background information. I have 13 brothers, 4 sisters, 2 moms, 2 dads, one of my dads' ex-wife. From the years 2006-08: 10 of my brothers, 2 of my sisters and both pairs of my parents lived in a two-story house. One set of parents had a room upstairs and the three rooms were occupied by all my older brothers. Downstairs in the only bedroom were my other parents. Then me, my little sister, my little brother, and my brother that was only older than me by a year shared what was supposed to be a smaller secondary living room. In this room was a bunk bed for my brothers and a twin sized bed for me and my little sister to share, but there was also large windows that almost reached the floor that we kept slightly open to let the summer breeze through. Every night I would leave the curtains open just so I could see the stars without leaving the house. They looked very pretty over the orchard we had surrounding the house. Nevertheless this night I noticed something different. I saw Him. He slowly got closer and when he did the more I tried staying still. I closed my eyes hoping that he wouldn't come inside. Alas, he opened the window I could hear it creak from being old. Then came the sound of his boots hit the wood floor. Then I felt the bed move; he had climbed onto the bed. His knees were digging into my little sister's chest. I opened my eyes to see him in all black but, I couldn't see his face. That's when he did it. He slowly pulled the zipper of his black pants down, then he scooted closer to me. Leaving his feet pressed deeply onto my sister pinning her down and his knees pinning me as well. That's when he did it. I relaxed my body as much as possible for I didn't want to be caught or hurt by him. However, he put his thing in my mouth anyway. It smelled weird for I had never smelt anything like this before. That's when it went further down my throat, leaving me unable to breathe. I was getting dizzy, I could not breathe since I had a foreign object in my mouth and, I have no idea what was going on. The more I couldn't breathe from him thrusting in and out the more the tears came out. Then it finally ended as I was forced to swallow this strange substance. He finally got off me and my sister, I could hear her gasp for breath but did not wake up. The last thing I saw that night was the 'Man In Black' fix himself up and leave. When I woke up I immediately told my mother everything but she had to explain to me that it was just a nightmare. What 8-year old has nightmares about being raped? And what nightmare leaves behind bruises not just on me but my sister as well. After that night I made sure that all the windows were closed and locked with the help of my nicer older brothers and closed the curtains. As I got older the more I realized that no 8-year old would have a nightmare about being raped like that and, that dreams cannot give you bruises. To this day I will have recurring nightmares reliving these events. I will never forget what the 'Man in Black' did to me.

[tismevivz]

Dark thought 8/4/18

(Note before you read: This blog is for me to release my dark thoughts of loneliness. I do not nor do i actually want to hurt myself they are just thoughts i have as a reflection of my anxiety and depression. Please read with this in mind. also this is disorganized because I wrote as I thought.) 

Here I am at the end of summer laying down in my dark room again. During this summer I have only left the house a hand full of times to do things that I teenager should do. I have only seen one friend in the three months out of school. The other times I have gone out of the house was with my older sister. Now I have realized the every time we have gone out I was only there to be an escape route or for a way for her to get home. But every day I look after her only daughter, I stay home not able to have fun with people my age because I am the only person that has a nighttime job. And every day I have the thoughts of 'Im doing this because I am the only one capable' but as the days go on and the more often I get her daughter I realize its because her divorce is overwhelming her. That the only time she is really enjoying herself is when she is drunk. Though that is when she gets aggressive too. When my niece goes home I lay in bed staring at the ceiling thinking to myself about how I am only being used. My sister and I have an agreement of I watch her daughter and we hang out but, every time I ask to hang out she either blows me off to get drunk or she is late by hours. While I wait for her to arrive i sit in my room wondering if life is really for me. I have no one to have fun with. Out of my handful of friends, none of them contact me. My best friend lives hours away due to personal reasons. But I am useless. I do not feel as though I am smart enough to start or finish school. I still have not really found what I want to do. I am not really worthy I am not worthy to keep on living. Every time I want to help people to push me away but want my help whenever they are in distress. I have no real relationship with anyone. The five people that I was the closest with have pushed me away. I have no use in helping people for I seem to make things worse. All I get in return is hateful yells saying that I am wrong. Everything I do is wrong, everything I say is wrong, I can do no right I can only do wrong. There are days after I do wrong where I lay in bed and think how everyone's lives would be better if I was dead. I am sure no one would be too affected by my presence being gone for I am always being forgotten. My family will go out for dinner and will forget I exist even though I am in the next room. Maybe I should die, I have always wanted to die ever since I was little. I think I knew I was useless when I was young. I have come to the conclusion that the only thing I am good at is being a placeholder for my family. To watch the kids, to clean the house, often I am called a stay at home mom by my own mother. Do not get me wrong I did enjoy having my nieces around but, it has caused to learn that I have no real friends. No one has begged me to come over and when I asked people to hang out, they always tell me they're are too busy. Maybe I should die but how?? I do not handle emotional pain that much. He used to cut me after he made me cry saying it would distract me, and it did. Maybe I should do that. Or maybe be less painful but I don't know I have no courage to do anything for I do not want to hurt anyone by accident not that I believe anyone would.