time-to-finally-recover
my journey of rediscovering myself after abuse
18 posts
if this helps one person, even if it's just me, I'll be happy.
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time-to-finally-recover · 2 years ago
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soon, I will be attending an event. it's big, thousands of people. but I know for a fact that I will be in the same room as my ex abuser. Im terrified
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time-to-finally-recover · 3 years ago
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I did it. I outed my ex abuser.
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time-to-finally-recover · 3 years ago
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my ex abuser graduated, and I didn't. it should be me not him
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time-to-finally-recover · 3 years ago
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the level of anxiety I get in some situations due to the abuse I faced is indescribable. I nearly wrote that the anxiety I felt was unprompted, but that's far from the truth.
Now, I'm not currently in a relationship. I don't think I have the capacity right now, and there's nothing wrong with that. but I hear other couples or even friends argue and my anxiety kicks in on their behalf.
I am unable to hear an argument without jumping to the relationship being over. Whenever I argued with my ex partner, it was something that always resulted in them trying to leave me because I was the problem. yes, I know, I still went back. that's another thing for another day. but now, in any aspect of my life, I assume an argument means the end of the relationship.
In my head, I can't conceptualize an argument ending in any other way than a break-up or just "break". that's all I know, I don't know staying together and working through it. I've never experienced a relationship that was healthy enough for that.
I get second hand anxiety when I hear other people voice their concerns to their partner, or tell them how they hurt their feelings. When I voiced those things I knew I was going to be ignored for days on end, or worse.
I know moving forward in life I'll have to work through this. but I don't know how. it's such a direct association. even if it's not an argument between romantic partners. arguments between friends, other family even, I brace for them to end with me being removed from their life on the spot.
I brace for violence, too. not even just violence against me physically but people hurting themselves or punching a wall.
I don't know how on earth I will ever be able to change my thinking on that.
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time-to-finally-recover · 3 years ago
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when I reach out to friends and family on harder days regarding my ex abuser, they immediately jump to bashing. I understand where they're coming from, but in reality it acts as a barrier for me to talk about it and it often makes it feels like they're trying to shrug it off and move on from that point of conversation.
I understand it gets repetitive and annoying, but I live with it and think of it every day. I need to get it out of my brain. I've been told to move on and get over it before. but how can you just move on and get over years of abuse? especially considering I'm only processing it now. that's 5+ years of abuse I'm processing. it's not over and done. it's not a one step process.
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time-to-finally-recover · 3 years ago
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I know nobody reads these, but on the off chance of that happening or for future reference..
I am currently diagnosed with ADHD, generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, and struggle with cpstd (reluctant to say diagnosed as this is something I'm still in the process of understanding). the cptsd is heavily related to my ex abuser. I have had generalized anxiety my whole life, and was initially diagnosed and medicated for it starting at 12. ADHD is a more recent diagnosis, having only been diagnosed and medicated since February of 2022. Initially we thought I just had "regular" depression, however me leaving my abuser made it very apparent that I struggled with MDD instead. Currently, I am medicated for my ADHD and am coming off of my dosages for my antidepressants to see if medicating my ADHD helps regulate my mood enough to take me off of antidepressants, as I struggle with side effects. I also struggle with compulsions so there is a possibility of OCD which I am discussing with my therapist.
My journey in regards to medication has been long and winding, as has that of diagnosis. I have fallen through the cracks of the mental health system multiple times, being told in the past that although they're agreed I could be of danger to myself, it wasnt enough to rationalize using one of the few beds available for me and sent me on my way and I was treated via outpatient.
Starting at about 11 I began to struggle with self harm. since then, it has been an ongoing struggle. Aside from small isolated incidences I have remained relatively clean since 2018.
I do regularly question if being medicated from 12 and being on various SSRIs and SNRIs may have impacted the development of my brain and how I process emotions.
My combination of mental health issues is considered pretty common, especially with my late diagnosed ADHD. Which really makes sense, considering my brain in trying to work in a world that wasn't built for it.
I do have sensory issues as well, however have no gotten a stand alone diagnosis for that as sensory processing disorders often go hand in hand with neurodivergence.
Initially, when I created this blog it was going to just be my "journal" of recovering from an abusive relationship. I intended to keep my other issues fairly seperate but I've realized that doing that doesn't show the full picture of the process, as it's hard to dispute that my mental health plays no role. So, on the off chance that someone in a similar situation to myself finds this blog, I wanted to paint more of a full picture for myself and others.
As I don't want to personally be connected to this (not a lot of people in my life know of the abuse, and I know it would be something that would be "gossiped" about if I was more open) so my personal details are obviously limited. Although, if someone knew me well enough they would probably piece this all together. but, the number of people who could do that is slim and this is essentially lost in the sea of tumblr.
this post is very all-over but it's essentially a cliff notes of my background.
My goal is to support myself through this and learn ways to support others. I am currently working towards education that would help me in advocation of victims rights, and I plan to primary work in the realm of domestic abuse. although my education isn't finished, it's never to early to start building the resources to have in my back pocket.
Lastly, this blog also serves as a method to organize my thoughts. Organized thoughts are workable thoughts, and much less overwhelming. Sometimes the thought just needs a way out, which I'm sure is apparent in the haste of some of my posts.
on the off chance that someone else sees this and is in a similar place to me now, or where I was in the past, you got this. you're strong. you've endured awful things, give yourself credit. On the same note, feel free to reach out.
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time-to-finally-recover · 3 years ago
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I started university with my abuser
today they are graduating
I am stuck with an extra year because I missed so much time and failed because of them
they once told me I wouldn't succeed without them
today that feels extremely true
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time-to-finally-recover · 3 years ago
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I've recently started with a new therapist. there's something about having to go over everything again that makes me so angry. I can't believe I let myself get treated that way.
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time-to-finally-recover · 3 years ago
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I was sexually assaulted in 2015 and I never thought it would come up while dealing with my abusive relationship. it's frustrating because it was very much something I pushed down to ignore. I remember going to a school guidance counselor and being told that for my sake I shouldn't file a report because it was my word against his, and he was older than me. I was 15 and he was 17. he came up in my Facebook recommended today; that was hard. I forgot he existed.
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time-to-finally-recover · 3 years ago
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mental health issues do not excuse abuse
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time-to-finally-recover · 3 years ago
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i feel like im working backwards
When i first told people about the abuse i made it clear that i didn't blame myself, i knew i did what i could, all that shit. But now I look back and I'm so mad that I didn't fight back or didn't say more or didn't call the police and I genuinely don't know if thats normal or not or if im just taking steps back. it is the worst feeling ever. people told me not to live in regret but i dont know if i can ever forgive myself.
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time-to-finally-recover · 3 years ago
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sometimes i blame myself for “keeping the cycle going”
a phrase i think most victims of abuse face at some point, in all honesty i didn’t initially feel this way, this was a thought that has crept up on me more recently. I’m sitting here trying to write this and generally struggling to find words, in all honesty, but i had this bouncing around my head and i needed to get it out, so i thought hey, why not blabber on the outlet i made for myself. I just look back and i get angry at myself. he used to always try to leave, after he hit me or after i found something out that was being kept a secret, and i always took him back. i honestly still dont get why i did that. the end of the relationship was when i finally had enough and ended it during an argument about a dirty dish and how i kept broken glass a certain way (in my own place, he didnt even live there). but i just, would feel him drifting, knowing i could get out, but when it came down to it, i chickened out. id often end up crying and throwing up from the anxiety of not having him. id beg for him back. do anything in my power. if the argument was in person, it would end in us sleeping together. i remember the first time it happened, vividly. it was the first time i got the “hey girly, havent talked in awhile” message- screenshots of his nudes to his ex, and skype screenshots of the same. i was 17, it was summer. whenever we slept together after a circumstance like this, he always seemed more satisfied, and rougher, i know this may be tmi but hey as far as im concerned im writing into the abyss right now. but sex became a way to keep him in my life. i didn’t really want to most of the time- now im not saying it was without consent, but it felt like a chore, because if he didnt get it from me he’d go to someone else. if i just... stopped, i would have ended this cycle years earlier. and i really hate myself for that 
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time-to-finally-recover · 3 years ago
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I told one of my parents about it (after I had broken up with my ex) before I was ready. it was out of self preservation. they were berating me telling me the breakup should light a fire under my ass to succeed. once I told them, they made it about them. how they should've seen it. how THEY needed to talk to people to recover. they went and told people EVERYTHING without my consent or knowledge.
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time-to-finally-recover · 3 years ago
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I genuinely don't know if I'll ever fully "recover" from it. it feels like something somewhere will always trigger me. half of the time I don't expect it.
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time-to-finally-recover · 3 years ago
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today was hard,
I reached out to the mutual friends of my abusive ex and I and only one person responded and even then it was pretty surface deep. didn't ask about me or how I was. which is fine, I think. I just don't know how to make my own friends. my ex was the social one of the two of us- and we went through highschool together, so he pretty much made all of our friends for us. and they're gone now. from my life. I wonder what he's said about me to them, probably awful things. I want to put him to the world for the abusive person he is but I think that would only give me moments of freedom before the questions would roll in and if have to "defend" myself. I think he'd own up to it, too. but just as a means to gain pity. in a "look, I'm admitting, so I've grown" way. how can he admit to something he told me he didn't remember at one point. some days I want him to reach out and be persistent so I can be tell him how he hurt me
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time-to-finally-recover · 3 years ago
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tw// cheating, abuse, all that "fun" stuff.
when I look back on my old relationship, hindsight really is 2020. I'm fully aware of the fact that there was not a time where he was fully devouted to me as I was him.
4, that I know of. one including his "abusive" ex. he told me everything she said was a lie. if she sees this, you'll know who you are, you were right about him. I may not agree with how you went about everything, but at the end of the day you were completely right about the kind of person he was and what he would do to me.
as much as I want to say "they didn't know" that they were part of me cheating- they did. they all did, for a matter of fact. one I considered to be my best friend. I had confided in them with how I was suspicious of his cheating and they talked me down.
now, most of this took place in high school. a time of drama and gossip and growth and bullshit. but that bullshit is what made me realize. and I IGNORED it. "he's mentally ill" "hes acting out because I'm not enough" all things I told myself.
he was acting out because he was a shitty person.
I WANT people I know to find these posts. because they'll know who it's about. it's not hard, he's my one and only ex. the one I stood by through so much bullshit but couldn't stand by me through a simple panic attack. I was dragged across the cold bathroom floor being told all I knew was to turn to a childlike state when upset.
as much as I want to use a name or initial I don't want to put that much of a target on my back.
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time-to-finally-recover · 3 years ago
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t/w domestic violence
december 2, 2019
a world before a pandemic, a really weird thing to think of now.
this was the first major event of abuse. it went on for about 4 hours. felt like an eternity. I forgot the date, as years went on. but one day I remembered, went back to look at my calendar, and sure enough I had an event that day. just a comma. I remember making the event. I was worried I had a concussion. I never did go to a doctor.
it all started around 6:30pm. an argument, one that I never would have thought would turn into what it did. we disagreed on his family taking advantage of my willingness to give rides when necessary. they left me waiting , high and dry. I think it was fair to be frustrated. looking back, I still am.
I picked him up for class, neither of us happy. he didn't have a license at the time and I felt obligated to be a carer so I drove him regardless (25 minutes out of my way, might I add). we were fighting, screaming. I cried so hard. I eventually pulled into a parking lot. he wasn't happy about that- the class we were on our way to was a review class before our midterm, it was for first year astronomy. university was still so new to me then.
in this parking lot, I was talked down to. belittled. called names. told I was hated. anything you can think of. but see, here's my fatal flaw. "he's mentally ill" I told myself "he doesn't mean this. he's spiraling" I thought. but, im someone who struggles with mental illness, and I couldn't imagine ever saying I hope things to someone I supposedly love.
I got upset back, told him to listen for once. things went quiet. I tried to put my hand on his shoulder, big mistake. he shoved me off with all the strength he had. and grabbed me by the wrists.
this wasn't the first time I had been grabbed. I didn't see that as abuse, maybe a bit of a dramatic reaction but not abusive. him? never. then I looked at him. he wasn't looking back. he was looking through me. it was cold. he was cold. my blood felt like it was running cold. that was one of the first times I felt fear.
"we have to get to class". wasn't a statement, more of a demand. we were about 10 minutes away. according to him, we didn't have time for me to calm down. hysterically, I drove.
we get there, tense as ever. there was more arguing, I don't remember much of it. I remember him breaking up with me. I called my friend who was on campus at the time, telling him. before I could finish the phone call, my ex was on his way back to the car. livid- who would I be calling in a time like this? all the more reason to be mad.
now, it's blurry. there was yelling, crying. him locking me out of the car in a northern Ontario winter. but it all came down to that moment.
he was hitting and punching himself. I was trying to get him to stop. oh, he stopped alright. before I knew it he had me by the hair. slamming our heads together over the centre console in my car. I was hysterical. I wanted it to stop. I grabbed his hands, with their tight grip in my hair to try and calm him down. that only made it worse.
now, before I knew it, my head was being slammed against the window on the door. three, maybe four times. I really wasn't counting. eventually, I couldn't see. I screamed that, I was scared. after I said that, one more swift hit to the window and he stopped. he was hysterical.
here I am, having just had my head hit numerous times, and hard. consoling him. he was hysterical. inconsolable. and I was scared. to scared to talk. to touch him. this person that was my comfort quickly became an undeniable abuser.
I drove him home, about 15 minutes from campus. then drove myself home, another 25 minutes. I shook the whole time. music off. silent. it was about 11pm by this time, roads were quiet. it would've been the middle of the week. I drove slow, in fear that something had happened to my head. if I got into an accident, I'd have a lot of explaining to do. and I wouldn't be able to lie.
this was the night that I realized it doesn't stop. it will continue. and it'll get worse. don't let your abuser fool you and don't be scared to call them what they are.
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