tilyoucomebacktome-blog

[tilyoucomebacktome-blog]

May 4th

I lied.

[tilyoucomebacktome-blog]

May 1st

The day I completely let you go.

[tilyoucomebacktome-blog]

April 27th: The Last Straw

I don't know what you're thinking. There. I said it. But here's what I will tell you. I'm here for you, but I won't be used. Find yourself through this bullshit and be the best you that you can be. You've been messaging me tonight after I've been figuring out a way to tell you I can't do this anymore. So I came over, dropped off the key and talked to a completely guarded person. One that's lying to my face but truthful when you know it will hurt me. Fine. "I don't care" That's what you said. But I do. And I always will and that's why I have to let you figure this out. I haven't been able to fix this for you and I'm destroying myself constantly. But what I can do is still love and care about you and you know that I do. But you can't have me. And by that I mean you don't get to have me at your beck and call anymore because you're deliberately taking advantage of that. I know you'll get out of this. When you do, don't forget about the person who will be thinking about you daily hoping you do. Don't forget about the person who gave you as much love as he could muster within himself. And if you do, you do. But I won't forget you. And if you ever see the value of what we could be then you will come back. If you don't it will be such a tragedy. I will and forever always love you, momma. ❤️

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April 25th-26th: You've Gone Distant

So, this entry will be kind of short. My anxiety is through the roof right now. You haven't hardly said anything to me the last couple of days and when I say something to you I'm fucking annoying and stupid sounding. I don't know if you're talking to him. If you plan to see him. I just don't know. You're ignoring me. Being short. Being rude. So I can only assume you're pushing me away. I'm gonna keep this going despite it. I know he will hurt you in the end no matter what. You do too. In the meantime, I won't find distractions at work, but I will find one and I'll do what you're doing. That's the only way I feel anything close to you anymore. I'm tired of feeling this back burner, second fiddle bullshit. There's women who will treat me better and until you come around I'd rather feel them than this pain. I don't want to but fuck you won't communicate or tell me so what else am I supposed to do? I still love you, momma.

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April 22nd-24th: "You're A Goddamn Thief"

So, I’ve spent a week with you. I’ve helped you with Laila and for the most part helped with the house. I even helped you get home after getting completely plastered at the bar. Something is pretty clear; this situation is completely fucked up. You’ve been sad for numerous reasons this past week/months and I’ve been there for you. I used up the money I had for gas to get Laila places and to go places for you. I’ve smoked all my cigarettes too soon because I’m stressed at the fact you’re wanting a true piece of shit instead of someone who at times I don’t think are woman enough to handle. I’m caught up in you and you don’t care a lot of the time. But normal love does not run away in a time like this. You can call me stupid but I’ll be there for you always even when you’ve completely dwindled me down to pieces.

I spent all day mowing your grass at your house this past Monday. Yes, I’ve smoked some of your cigarettes. Quite frankly, with the amount of shit I’ve done for you it’s a bargain fucking deal. But I’m the thief right? Not the person literally stealing numerous amounts of pride and respect from the one that’s no saint by any means, but someone who gives a flying fuck about you 24/7. Don’t worry, you’ll get your precious cigarettes back. You may get more back actually. Like lots of alone time. What’s completely sad is the level of self respect you’ve let yourself drop to. It’s easy to see when you’ve been there. But you think I’m stupid and a moron. You’re literally wasting yourself on someone who only cares about you when it’s convenient and that time itself runs low. Seeing the messages on your phone begging for him. It’s sad because he doesn’t want you. And if he ever does, I assure it’s not for you. I assure that he won’t be there for you. I assure you he won’t give a 10th of the flying fucks that I do. But you’re smart and you know that.

You’re the user here. And through moments of complete awareness and mindfulness as you like to say, you know I’m not a shit person and you can’t fix me. Sorry that’s too boring. You sent me some texts on how you’re choosing him and I’m the most awful thief ever and that you hate me. Then do it. A few borrowed cigarettes will be nothing compared to what you’re gonna endure through him.

This isn’t a very good fucking entry but instead of wasting your day through a bullshit argument, I’ve decided to vent here and when you read this I hope you understand that. If not I’m sure I’ll get the venom some more. I really fucking love you, momma.

[tilyoucomebacktome-blog]

April 21st: "Fuck Yo Mints" Brownies

That's what you called the brownies we ate. This past week you’ve had a lot of emotional ups and downs more so than you usually have in this time frame. You get sad. You get mad. You get playful. You get sensual. You get sexual. You get dirty. You get sweet. Every side of you I am literally captivated by. Even when you get so hateful and mean. The first thing I want to do is actually slam you to the bed and remind you of what pure pleasure I continually feel the need to bring you. Between your fucking legs looking up into your eyes is one of the sexiest things I love doing to you. Especially when you’re between mine staring at me.

We got to the house after work and you wanted to go straight to bed. We made brownies first which were so good. I was with you in the straight to bed part. That’s what we did. Cuddled together while watching The Road. I woke up maybe 45 mins after I fell asleep and I entered you with my fingers. You immediately were wet and fuck did that make my dick even harder. I used my hand to gently wake the Gemini goddess you are. I then treated myself to your tight and wet pussy for an amount of time I’m not able to keep track of when I’m there. You were about to cum and then you flipped me over and spoiled my dick with your warm and sexy mouth. Your lips and tongue do me in every time. You then climbed on top of me and came hard once but I wanted one more out of you so I got it. We moved to the edge of the bed and you spread your perfect pussy open for me to enter and you just watched me with your seductive and sweet green eyes. I am so deeply attracted to every curve on you. Everything about your body I want to be apart of. I love making you cum and I love you making me cum. And that’s what you did. So fucking good, Taylor. I hope when you read this you don’t get mad because you think it’s all I want to do with you, because it’s not but it’s something I want to do a lot of with you and try things and do things that we only know and do that makes us float away together. We finished and cuddled. Slept a lot. Just being together. I love you, momma.

[tilyoucomebacktome-blog]

April 18th-20th: Heavy

So, days and nights have slipped by again with no individual updates but with good reason. I’ve been putting a lot of focus into you and helping with Laila because you’re hurting right now. I’ve stayed with you just about every night for the last couple of weeks. You have been in a mental state that I myself have really not experienced. Things that have happened the last few months are becoming heavy. Very heavy. On the 18th, you reserved yourself to the bed because your were so sad. I do not know every bit of your brain but from what I gathered when you get that sad that’s it’s a culmination of a lot of different things that make you sad. I do know as much as I hate to admit that part of you is sad because of thorn. But I came over around noon that day and laid down with you. You got up and we smoked before laying down. I was quiet but noticing you and your words. You told me you loved me. And I about melted. I didn’t know if you were ever going to say those words to me again, but damnit it was the right time. I was feeling frustrated at the situation and you brought me out of it instantly. So we crawled into bed and I held you. And you rolled over to me and thanked me for being there and apologized which you know is unnecessary, but it’s good for me to hear as well. We kissed and it was full. I felt that intimate and vulnerable part of you again. Taylor, oh how I have missed that part of you. We just kissed and kissed and kissed. And we finally pushed the moment to making love. We cuddled and fell asleep and then I woke up and picked up Laila. Laila was so happy to see me picking her up. And you asked me to be there and help you with her and that is never a second thought. So that’s what I did.

Wednesday, you had work so I took care of getting Laila to school and then I cleaned a bit around the house and then picked her up from school. I know you think you sometimes aren’t very good at keeping the house clean but you’ve done a good job. You got home and I had dinner made for us. Fajitas. Plus guacamole. Some of your favorites. Anyway, you still were kind of sad but you were trying to get out of it. You asked about getting the N64 out so we could play some Mario Party and damnit when you want something done that I know I can do for you when you want it, it’ll happen. Especially, when you tell me what insane pleasure you’ll give me later that night as extra motivation. Which you did. We played Mario Party and it was good. Listened to music, laughed, and just had a good time together. That’s one of my favorite things to do with you. I’m sure we each have separate reasons why but for me it reminds us of our start. That’s a big reason why I got you one for Christmas. Afterwards, you gave me an extremely sexy night. I felt so connected to you at the edge of the bed. And it had passion but it was also fucking. And we fuck so good when we are connected like that. I loved looking at your eyes and your body and just taking it in and worshipping it and my god it was the hottest thing ever when we both got off. You’re fucking voice was shaking and you started begging me not to stop and I could feel all of that warmth on me which set me off to a completely different level which did me in. I love that we still have those moments. I want more of them. I want to give you more of them.

Thursday morning kind of hit a bump when you went through my phone and saw some flirty messages. It of course pissed you off, but they were old and not substantial. You made it very clear that I don’t need to be talking to people at work because it makes you feel disrespected. Something you should know, I don’t want to talk to girls at work. Or anywhere. I only want to talk to you. When I can’t I grasp at something to try and fill the void. Even if I know it won’t, it can distract me. It never works because I end up missing you anyway. But when I try it gives me more than feeling hopeless.

Hopefully, after reading these entries you’ll somewhat understand that I’m not out to hurt you with them. I know you know I won’t do anything with those distractions. It's stupid of me for sure but what else am I supposed to do when I don't feel good enough to be in your thoughts? I love you, momma.

[tilyoucomebacktome-blog]

April 15th-17th: I'm Getting Tired

The last few days have been kind of shit between us. I'm having a hard time updating this as often as I would like because I'm wearing thin. As I prepared for thorn to be here this past weekend, we didn't talk much. For whatever reason, thorn didn't show. It upset you I could tell. This whole thing is. It is me too. Mainly because you've been pretty stupid with him thinking it was more than it was. I can't tell you that but I think you've felt it. It's not like been any better watching it happen. So, we've been stupid together. I stayed with you Saturday night even though I don't think you wanted me to. Nothing happened. Sunday was Easter and I woke up and got us breakfast. You were thankful but it wasn't long before you were ready for me to go so you could do your Easter plans. I came back to David's and did absolutely nothing. Didn't talk to anyone. Didn't go anywhere. Stayed and burned my eyes on the tv for hours. Everyone at David's house stayed gone with family so I had the place to myself. I'm getting tired. Thorn came into town and refused to see you. Pretty shitty. But I'm the one that gets shit on. I'm the one that is overlooked. I'm just pissed off. The 17th your mom had to go the hospital. You needed me to get Laila so I did just that. Not a second thought. Picked her up and cooked dinner. You got home and I was hoping to stay. But you literally waited until Laila went to bed and stayed glued to your fucking phone in Tinder like I'm non-existent. A pleasant fucking feeling. You asked me to leave. So I did. I'm not a tool like the ones getting your attention now, but I sure feel used like one. Better days need to happen quick. You piss me off sometimes. I love you, momma.

[tilyoucomebacktome-blog]

April 13th & 14th: What A Tangled Web We've Weaved

So normally I like posting at the end of every night right before bed. One, it allows me to think back and reflect on the day and how we’ve both spent either together or separate. This past week we’ve spent every night together so that’s made things a little more difficult to update routinely. Nonetheless, I still feel it’s crucial to do this.

On Thursday we both had to be up at the hospital to work. You were looping with the coordinator that day. These days it’s hard to know if we are going to see each on any given day so it was quiet most of the day until right after you left. You sent me a message regarding thorns parents that you ran into while in the ED. It bothered you because they treated you in a way that made you feel uncomfortable. Make no mistakes, I’ve understood that thorn is in the picture still even though you try and blanket that as much as possible in front of me because you still like the way we make each other feel. You let me know you had a rough day and so you asked if I could watch Laila for a few hours so you could take a bath. What I did know is that you were going to talk to thorn while we were gone. And you did. But regardless, I cared very much to spend time with Laila.

Laila was so happy to spend time with me. I love her and I know she loves me. We’ve missed each other so much through all of this. So, I took her to eat Chinese which she loves and then we drove around and she helped clean my truck out. She’s so smart and so beautiful. I look at her as my daughter and I always will. And I know she looks at me with the love a daughter had for dad even though it’s not biological. We got back home and you were so done with the day. I don’t blame you. I went and got you some food and you tucked Laila in and we just talked. You opened up some and told me how important I was to you and Laila and you thanked me. It’s funny, I love being appreciated by you but thank you does not do much for me because there’s a not a moment where I feel like I go out of my way and deserve one. It’s just natural.

We went to bed and I plugged my phone in to charge and left to go to the bathroom. I came back and you were going through my phone. Now, this is the part where it changes. You saw messages from a girl I flirted with. For reasons you can’t control decided to get extremely upset about it. Which you normally do. But you were so tired and we went to bed.

We woke up the next morning and it hit you again. Not only that but it was the 14th. A day and number that has always been more significant than any others. You were beyond upset. With good reason but nothing close to what I’ve endured by thorn. Something you can’t understand unless you’re me. Still, you made it that way and you made it clear that you were going to see him this weekend and keep thorn closer than he has been as of late. I went all day at work extremely disconnected. I could not think a straight thought or care to hear anything else or think anything else than you seeing him again. But you felt it necessary to get even and so I am the one that will always pay for that. This has got to stop as some point and I will make sure I last through it.

These are the parts of you that makes loving you very hard. So very hard. I came back to David’s after work and I took a Xanax. I was so on edge that I needed something to knock me out and that’s what happened. I very much do not want to be alive during the weekends he is here, much less awake. I don’t remember falling asleep but I remember waking up to you calling me. And I had several missed texts as well. You asked me to come over and I gathered myself as best as I could and did just that. I didn’t know what else to do.

I got there and you seemed a little on edge yourself but played it off some. We went and got food and drove around listening to music which is a favorite thing we like to do together. I started loosening up some. It’s pretty easy for you to influence me. Which sometimes is bad. We got back to your house and then we started talking. You were upset rightfully so that the girl I was talking to worked on the same floor as you. It was a dumb decision I made but nonetheless, no comparison to this and that’s how it’ll always be. But that’s what I do. When I don’t have you I distract myself with other women to help ease the pain. Distractions. Distractions that I could allow to be more but don’t because my heart belongs to you even though my brain wonders when my heart is hurt, I hold lines of respect for you without thinking about it. Every girl I may talk to makes it easier when he’s in the picture. Sure, there are some I shouldn’t be around. Like ones you see on a regular basis. Bottom line is, as much as I may want it or at times you may want it, we aren’t together right now. You’ve made that clear. So we can both talk to whoever we want. Or do more than talk. At the end of the day I stop at talk usually you do too. But you’re clouded train of thought is too much for you to try and understand and you are just doing what you can to make each and every day. So if I talk to another woman for the same reason, you can’t be upset. You really shouldn’t be considering you know I stop at flirting. Because although it pisses you off, it helps me when your body and mind are elsewhere.

During our talk you made it clear that you and thorn are not done and you’re going to see him this weekend. Of course I was pissed about it and after our entire week together that’s the last thing I want to hear. Especially when this whole time you’ve been able to shut him off and you don’t. Which is why I can’t get too upset because when he’s officially done I’ll know. Unfortunately, that’s not the case right now. You say he’s temporary but you’re talking about him meeting Laila. And that terrifies me. He by no means deserves to meet her. But that’s not my decision and you right now aren’t full of a lot of good ones. At the end of our talk it’s basically my decision in whether I’m going to keep taking this pain and hurt from you by keeping thorn in the picture or I hang tough and keep going and you at the end will undoubtedly know I’m for real about you. It’s one I’m tossing around. All I can say is I’m taking it day by day and I know Saturday and Sunday will not have me in the picture unless thorn notoriously lets you down. In the meantime I guess I’m not supposed to talk to anyone else while you get to “have your cake and eat it to”. There’s a lot of damage being done to me and I have to think about myself. But that’s damn near impossible when you and Laila are apart of the same word I live in. I love you, momma.

[tilyoucomebacktome-blog]

April 11th and 12th: Easy & Uneasy

This week you’ve wanted me to stay with you so far. I don’t hesitate at all to do that. I feel I have to take advantage of any time we get to spend together anymore. I was over at David’s late Tuesday night and you asked me to come over. We went straight to bed when I got there and we had middle of the night sex. Which you hate apparently. I get not wanting to wake up after being asleep. But the thought that thorn most likely gets it whenever he chooses doesn’t sit well with me. I looked a little through your phone and there’s no substance other than sex talk. It’s a bit fucked right now. Anyway, it was actually kinda funny. While we were having our way with each other I dragged you to the end of the bed. Which happens to be a new favorite spot. While I was standing and thrusting the bed kinda angled down. For some reason that actually helped me with getting off. I came hard. We woke up the next morning (Wednesday) and I had work. I woke you and you told me you wanted to spend the day watching crime documentaries and eating good food. So I called in so we could do that. It was good. It was nice to spend that time with you. It’s fucking right. We just enjoyed each other and talked and watched and laughed and it was good. Later you started asking me about other girls and wanted to know how I felt about this situation. I tried to convey that what had happened the last couple of months has reversed my depression I’ve had. It’s hurt no doubt but it’s helped. And so I’m still standing and I’m strong and I’m going to keep being strong until I can’t. That “until I can’t” is getting closer though. There’s no more reason for thorn. And the only one I can think is for your own selfish reasons. But it’s really messing with me. Especially having such good time together. But I’m the secret right now. No one knows about me and I feel you like it like that sometimes. You told me he’s temporary but you’ve been “done” several times and he’s still here. I’m wearing thin. All I can hope is that the clarity on this whole subject happens soon. I’m scared of the alternative. I’ll always care and love you but what I’ve learned is that I have to love myself too. I stayed the night again and we again had sex. In the middle of the night. And you got pissed at me for it. But after we both came together. It's funny thing kind of. We went back to sleep afterwards. I woke up this morning with an uneasy feeling. I feel like Thorn isn't going anywhere. All I know is you’ve got the next three weekends off after this one and whatever happens between now and then is critical. I love you, momma.

[tilyoucomebacktome-blog]

April 10: Missing You Monday

We slept so good last night. Hard. And cuddled. Which is so easy with you. Today, I wasn't really for sure what was going to happen. First, we smoked and had some coffee. Then we cleaned some. And then I started to talk about thorn. Summarized in the previous entry, it was just not a good idea to talk to you about him. At least right now. I won't ever know exactly what you two share or shared but I want to try and understand it. Maybe I shouldn't and just let things settle on there own, but I know it's bothering you and I worry and care about you. Needless to say, it got you upset and I felt very bad about that. So, I backed off and apologized sincerely. Yes, the selfish side of me wants to block that out and act like it doesn't exist, but that's just not me. Anyway, I went and took your car to get an oil change and it gave us a moment to breathe separately. Afterwards, when I returned, it was better. You then asked me to go and pick up Laila with you. I miss her. And I love her. And there's no saying no anytime I'm offered time with her. So, we went to get her and she was happy to see me as was I. You wanted to rake some more and so Laila and I played with sidewalk chalk. I needed that time with her. She's so smart and was so happy I was there. I was happy as well. We then went to get dinner which you paid for and it was nice. I finally left right before Laila went to bed. Since the resolution of the custody issues, I've not been able to stay over during the week. I can't tell you how personal that feels against me. And I know it's probably not at all, but it just does. You and her will always be my family and my home. But hopefully time will work it's magic and things will be better in the future for us to be a family again that isn't completely debilitated by stress. I'm going to fight and do my best to be a dad and hopefully an eventual husband. But I've gotta be completely ready. But I'll get there. I'm back over at where I'm staying and I'm missing you terribly. You sent me a message telling me that. As stated before, those are my second favorite set of three words. I offered to come over but you're still iffy on me doing that with this custody arrangement. Part of me hopes it's just that, but the other part of me thinks you can use it to make sure I'm away when you get weak. I hope it's not the latter. Still, I miss you and I want to be there listening to you and being around you. I love you, momma.

[tilyoucomebacktome-blog]

April 7th-9th: The Weekend Together

We spent the weekend together. We both had to work but we wanted to spend time with each other. Friday night we had sex. It’s crazy because I was watching you rake that evening really wanting to take your body over. You and Bundy went out for dinner and drinks and invited me but I opted out. Later that night you had Bundy call me and I took her home and you wanted me to crawl in bed with you. I got back and did so and a short while later we shared each other. I can’t ever convince you why I enjoy so much but I hope I can show it. I think I do. Anyway, we worked the next couple of days and it was pretty easy. I missed you a lot even though we spent most of the day and all of the night together. I love constantly being myself with you and you do likewise. You are still hurt by thorn and he’s a nuisance for a reason. I don’t doubt you felt things with him and likewise. But it was not substantial. Maybe for you. Because it helped you. Because I couldn’t anymore at that time. He’s a con artist of the heart because he’s conflicted beyond belief. He’s an addict. He’s also capable of being good. You see it. I see it. I’ve seen it. But he’s choosing other things over you and he’s a complete idiot for it. Maybe he got scared. Maybe he didn’t. He still didn’t do what you wanted him to do. And I feel bad for you. That’s something you needed to feel and I couldn’t just tell you it was going to happen. The thing with me is, I’m there. I’m loyal. I’m safe. I’m also exciting. I’m smart. I’m good for you. You’re good for me. You’re my best friend. I am yours. We can have a great weekend together and laugh and dance and have fun, but right now you are upset about what happened with the thorn. It makes sense. More than anything right now, I'm craving intimacy with you. Something that seems to be elsewhere. Not with anyone else but kept away and hidden. I think it sometimes shines through but it's not the whole form of intimacy I'm used to having with you. It was a good weekend no doubt. I tried getting your viewpoint on thorn and it's still too soon. Too soon for a lot of things. One thing I'm aware of is I'm not quite ready enough for you. Meaning, there are things I've got to conquer for myself. You, likewise. And it's okay for us to do these things separate. Because the alternative would've been complete and total resentment and nothing to do with each other. There's a part of you that has a bit or hope for us. And even when it's not your first thought of the day, it is a thought. Anyway, I'm staying patient with you and this. In the process I'm staying strong and proving myself day after day. Unconditional love may not be a thing you understand except with Laila, but it exists in a significant other and just like you proved to me that I can't stay stagnant, this is what I will prove to you. I'm conflicted with my immediate wants and needs, but substantial and stable is what you believed in me and it will happen. I've got quite the surprise planned. And it'll rock your core and show you that I'm not just your best friend but your everything like I almost once was. If it's true that I'm setting myself up for hurt like you say, it'll be clear cut emotional suicide. Which sounds a bit intense, but it's either the end or the beginning. But when you find someone you're ready to spend the rest of your life and there's no one that literally will compare, you just do whatever it takes. And a year of waiting for you to see that there are better things than Kyle taught me a lot. I plan of waiting however long this takes. And I don't know how long it will. But one thing still holds true; I love you, momma.

[tilyoucomebacktome-blog]

April 7th: It's All Yours

Believe it not, there was once a time where there wasn’t enough time in a day where we could get enough of each other. We had days where we would lay in bed, have lots of sex, watch crime documentaries, eat junk food, laugh, talk, wrestle. You name it. I completely loved those days. I miss those days. This distance apart has been most difficult for sure. But for some reason you still know how to help me. Today I was having trouble at work and I needed a moment to calm down. We met in the hall and you took the time to come and sit with me and talk. Things like that let me know you are genuine. You’re caring. You’re loving. You calm me down. Later, you went home and you sent me a text asking about raking the yard. I responded and headed over to help. I pulled up and you were out there actually taking leaves. I knew you could do stuff like that but it was pretty awesome to see you do it. You said you’ve never done it and you did well. You were talking and then you made mention that you are beginning to enjoy being alone. That’s hard to hear but I very much understand. You are enjoying the fact that everything is yours. It’s all yours. We talked some more. It’s so obvious why we are best friends. It’s also obvious how it can’t stay that way. We are more than that. Always will be. I think we both are trying to see how real our feelings are right now without thinking about it. You’re doing a lot better job than me, but I’m getting better. You looked so adorable raking leaves. I’m still ridiculously smitten by you. I can’t stop watching you. You then needed to shower because you and Bundy were gonna hit the town. I watched you after you got out of the shower. I love watching you get ready. Especially, when you are completely naked. Your body, though you will never agree, makes me want to pick you up, lay you down, and completely waste you away. Shaking, spent, and satisfied. My mind envisions countless journeys I want to take with you. Tasting every part of you. Anyway, you and Bundy asked me to go with, but I’m trying really hard to get you to miss me. I want you to miss me until you kiss me. I want to earn a night with just you and me. It needs to happen and I’m worried it won’t. Before I left, I told you I’d be here if you need me. I don’t know if you really understand that but I mean it every single time. I’ll always be, but this distance will hopefully clarify some things for you. I hope it’s that you still love me. I love you, momma.

[tilyoucomebacktome-blog]

April 6th: Small Talk Thursday

Today wasn't very eventful for us. You had your residency class and I was working. We didn't see very much of each other but when we did we gave each other a look and a half smile that no one else gets from one another. You sent me a few texts but I've honestly been trying to give you some space. You want to go to the library and you want to watch/read "The Road". There's so much wishful thinking and hope inside of me to be able to watch a movie with you, cuddle, and then have some loving sex. I'm missing you a lot today. These days of absence and small talk with each other is not filling me up. I miss the substance you gave me everyday and going to bed together. And I miss you crawling on my lap and hugging me so tight. I love you, momma

[tilyoucomebacktome-blog]

April 5th: Wrecked

Today started with me acting in a skit to persuade young teens not to drink and drive. I was a nervous wreck. I was to play the dad who loses his world. His wife and child. I sent you a text because I was nervous and because I kept thinking "What if this was you and Laila?" I ended up scaring you because you thought I was getting into a real wreck apparently but anyway. I got through it and went back to shower and couldn't stop thinking about how I would have actually reacted. Not having you now on a daily basis anymore is so hard. I think I'd literally lose it if you were completely gone. We messaged on and off and you laughed at some of the pictures from the skit. And then a little later you asked what I'd do. I told you I'd go crazy. And then you started having some issues. You got really mad at me and started losing your senses. I was worried. I still am. You're having a ridiculous time right now and you won't let me help you for whatever reason. We both are surviving days and nights but it's not living. At least not for me. All I know to do is keep being there because that's the only thing I know how to do and that's what I want to do. When you read all of this I truly hope you get an idea of how much you mean to me. I love you, momma.

[tilyoucomebacktome-blog]

April 4th: Diffuser

Today started slow for me. I wasn't in a very good mood but I tried starting the day right. I checked my phone over and over waiting for you to send a message. You finally did and you wanted some help with the house while you were gone today so of course I helped out. I noticed you had a TJ Maxx binge. It smelt wonderful in the house and I noticed you bought a diffuser. I saw the scent blowing out of it and it reminded me of you. Last night you released some strong words at me but you got through it. I didn't see you at all today but I felt you close. I finished up and left the house and let you know I was done. You were nice and said you liked the work I had done and thanked me for it. I've been having issues with the gaps of quiet just like you. You are familiar how I try and fill those voids and that's by messaging other women either on Facebook or whatever and just talking to them. But every time you text me or want me to come over, those void fillers are non existent. Later in the evening you sent me a weird text saying you wished I would've selfied with her. I was a bit lost but the only thing I could think of was you found out about one of my void keepers and it made you a little bit upset. Anyway, you didn't say much about it. I made sure and told you if you did have something to say you should. You said you didn't. And I said good, you shouldn't. Really, dealing with thorn and maybe others now, it gets completely bullshit. And I'm not exactly always in a good mood to hear about him or them or whoever else but I do listen and I'm super observant. Even more I'm a lot smarter and able to read into things a lot better than you think I do. Anyway, you'll always have me despite who I give my extra time to when you don't want anything to do with it. And that pisses me off sometimes. But I'm dealing. Tonight the storms had you nervous and rightfully so. I told you I'd be there if the sirens went off. Those damn sirens have been going off this whole time and I've been there every step of the way sometimes getting shit on and other times getting a little bit of happiness when you choose to share it with me. You must've fallen asleep. Fuck, do I miss holding you at night. Today was just blah but at least we are still talking. I'll always be thankful with whatever percentage of you I'm given. I love you, momma.

[tilyoucomebacktome-blog]

April 3rd: A Stormy Sunny Day

Last night was rough for me. I knew you had spent time with the thorn. Whatever had happened had left me with knots inside of me. You messaged me this morning and said it was closed and done. I just don't know what to believe. I just know I miss you. I’m missing the you that was with me and only me. I miss us. You asked me over to help you take out your extensions. I obliged and stayed for a little while after. While you were showering I walked through the house. It’s so different. Then I looked at your bed. It was a mess. Unfortunately, just like what we are in right now. I knew thorn had stayed before I even showed up but a bed messed by the two of you made the knots worsen. You noticed my face was partially scowled. Well, that’s the reason. You asked me to lay down with you in the same bed and without hesitation I was there. We rested. Then we had sex. Sex with you is something special. Even if your soul is somewhat absent from it. Which it was. We finished and you hurried to leave. I left and went back to quiet. It rained off and on all day. And then it was sunny. You didn’t say much until this evening when you told me you and Laila had a rough afternoon. I asked what happened and it turned into you lashing at me. Which means you’re feeling everything and nothing at all. I tried comforting you but you tried to turn it into an argument. You told me not to talk to you anymore and I just tried to let you know I’ll still be here despite what words you’ve thrown my way. It’s strange that they really don’t hurt more so than make me sad for you because you’re so caught up and empty. I don’t know what you’re doing or what you’re thinking but I know the conflict inside of you is happening and I won’t stop loving you or caring just because things are getting too heavy. Anyway, we got through the day and night. I hate this though. But I’m stronger for it and you will be too. Let’s hope tomorrow is a little more stable. I’m going to lay low and wait for you to talk to me which is hard to tell if that’s going to happen again. Either way, I’m still here. Patient. Strong. Loving. Devoted. I love you, momma.