tightlaces

[tightlaces]

I'M GOING TO FUCKING do nothing and take a deep breath

[tightlaces]

examining the victim

this isn't hard; it's easy

it rolls off the tongue

I tell her everything you used to tell me:

you started it

what you did was worse

you're crazy

you're a fucking liar

all you do is lie

I walk away angry,

hot, energetic,

pissed off and laughing,

everything except

unrolling the creases of that very old hurt,

when someone I loved

talked to me that way,

before this stone-cold fence grew up,

before I learned that words are just noise,

before I became someone

who would laugh at someone like me.

[tightlaces]

ufos come take me home

we come in peace

[tightlaces]

sutter home blues

it's a sutter home & hot cheetos type of night

and i think about so many nights with you

sweet-sick drunk, shivering cold,

crud-crusted and falling out of cupboards

"did you think it was loaded?" he said,

laughing, after he pulled the trigger

purple sewage spinning up

sink piled full of unwashed things

we were cold and broke and hungry and

together

and

i miss it like anything because

i have everything i need except you

[tightlaces]

I just got called daddy for the first time (in a flirting context) and I don't know how I feel

I don't think I identify as daddy

[tightlaces]

sometimes i forget what a fucking badass i am

[tightlaces]

i love the bootsssss

Loathing or whatever 😏😏😏

[tightlaces]

It isn't okay to want you, but

In spite of everything -

I'm just a pile of

want, want, want

[tightlaces]

It's okay to be angry, isn't it?

Like a baby not being held,

Like a tornado about to touch down.

For all my understanding -

all my positive attitudes -

all my letting live and moving on -

I'm so fucking angry that you couldn't be the person I needed you to be.

[tightlaces]

resolution: THRIVE AT ALL COSTS

[tightlaces]

a weekday lunch in which you've promised to do nothing wrong

there might be a tsunami, we heard

a name unsaid

an attempt to linger

but no tidal wave engulfed us,

no vibration shifted us out to sea

just a goodbye only you could come up with

just a moment to imagine a different disaster

a moment drifting by

[tightlaces]

The Victim

content warning: domestic violence

She yells; I cry.

I laugh; she slaps me.

She cries.

I love her.

You're staring,

I'm staring.

My job, your job,

your marriage.

Fallen women,

strange fruit.

Who's victimizing who?

[tightlaces]

strangeness as spackle

strange silences -

hiding, poorly,

the moments when I should have

leaned over and kissed you.

the questions we asked,

the answers not so important,

just wanting something to exchange.

[tightlaces]

the second summer

the second summer turns to autumn

the breeze becoming sour

I have far less idea

what I'm doing

this year than last.

a slow, aching year

without your touch

why have we spent

our year like this,

as though we could have done otherwise?

[tightlaces]

a missive from santa cruz, calif. on a friday night

all I want is a dancefloor 

where no one cares and God isn't watching.

sweat dripping through my clothes,

swelling like a wave to the rhythm -

reminds me of my mother. 

Saturday mornings,

tap dancing in the kitchen,

how can a sound be a shape?

how can shame lose its place?

body for joy,

body for restlessness,

body for sorrow,

gestures by for between

and beyond us.

[tightlaces]

i disintegrate under conditions of leisure

[tightlaces]

i imagine sub ju gation

silver earring

staring, silence

lean in closer

whisper guidance

closer

later

sooner 

someday

papers printed,

rush to linger.

sunny smiles,

ring on finger.

pushing softly

my attention.

"trust your instincts" -

our intentions.

instincts

linger

married

loser