tightlaces

[tightlaces]

The Victim

Content warning: this poem is about domestic violence & racial violence.

Battered women:

No testimony,

no protection.

She yells; I cry.

I laugh; she slaps me.

She cries.

I love her.

You're staring,

I'm staring.

My job -

Your job -

Your marriage.

Ruined women,

strange fruit.

Who's victimizing who?

[tightlaces]

strangeness as spackle

strange silences -

spackle -

hiding, poorly,

the moments when I should have

leaned over and kissed you.

the questions we asked,

the answers not so important,

just wanting to exchange something.

[tightlaces]

the second summer

the second summer turns to autumn

the breeze becoming sour

a melancholy tint to the Bay

browns and beiges line the hills

and I -

I have far less idea

what the hell I'm doing

this year than last.

last year, you

dropped me off with a normal smile

not warm, not blushing

"we'll see you!" you said

I wanted to grasp your shoulder,

something I never do.

You talked about all the things

you'd do without me -

your haircut,

your friend's wedding,

inside jokes with your partner.

I watched you drive off

back into your own life

and hoped that I'd return to mine.

We did not:

A year later -

coffees,

drinks,

sunny mornings together,

tidbits learned,

anxieties confessed,

jokes shared,

a slow, aching year

without your touch

why have we spent

our year like this,

only to say goodbye again -

letting the summer end -

as though we could have done otherwise?

[tightlaces]

a missive from santa cruz, calif. on a friday night

all I want is a dancefloor 

where no one cares and God isn't watching.

sweat dripping through my clothes,

swelling like a wave to the rhythm -

reminds me of my mother. 

Saturday mornings,

tap dancing in the kitchen,

how can a sound be a shape?

how can shame lose its place?

body for joy,

body for restlessness,

body for sorrow,

gestures by for between

and beyond us.

[tightlaces]

i disintegrate under conditions of leisure

[tightlaces]

power practicum

i imagine

sub ju gation

you embolden

con fla gration

silver earring

staring, silence

lean in closer

whisper guidance

closer

later

sooner 

someday

papers printed,

rush to linger.

sunny smiles,

ring on finger.

pushing softly

my attention.

"trust your instincts" -

our intentions.

instincts

linger

married

loser

not now!

not ever!

[tightlaces]

They Demand Unpacking

They demand unpacking

All eyes and feet

Pulling towards me,

Asking:

Unwrap my sweater

Uncross my legs

Unshoulder my burdens

And come softly into me.

They are

At best unknowing

At worst unsaying

Either way -

Unprofessional,

Unfaithful,

Unwanted.

[tightlaces]

useful framework for my divorce arc

[tightlaces]

every prius could be you

[tightlaces]

Hey, you - 

You’re buzzing me out of my body.

Awake, alive,

Raw, roughshod: every moment is the one.

[tightlaces]

shoutout to whoever keeps stealing my mail. hope the novelty candle with a funny quote on it makes you feel like a big tough boy

[tightlaces]

waiting for the inevitable bootycall

I want to see you / don’t want to see you

I need to see you / don’t need the likes of you

It’s hidden, outside in the bright light

It’s exposed, leaning on the bar in the dark

Everyone else can see it

But you’re too busy staring at me

I feel the love, and it feels sour inside

[tightlaces]

all the things i don't want,

and many of the things I do:

to hear your voice,

tell you what's on my mind.

to curl up tight into

the space between your ear and your shoulder.

to let you fade and forget me

the way i know we should.

[tightlaces]

Bisan just posted four videos on Instagram and is saying that they might be the last updates from Gaza since the Israeli army destroyed any way that could have been used to generate electricity including solar panels

[tightlaces]

And, for my final trick, I will...perform femininity!!!

[tightlaces]

olive branch / the struggle to define hatred

An elder and a young person at odds;

Screaming at each other through the screen.

A teacher pulls back his hand;

A student who could have bitten it.

When we were young, we were called names

When we were young, we were stared at and whispered about

When we were young, we fought to be loved

Who are we, without our burdens?

Who are we, without our fears?

And why should we shed them?

We all say that we want peace;

But what we really mean is safety.

And for safety, we’ve learned

We need walls.

We need barricades.

We need ammo.

Yet:

I want to take him into my arms,

A man who looks and sounds like my grandfather,

A man who wants his children to know

That they always have a home somewhere

Turning a blind eye to

The death toll of peace.

[tightlaces]

walking the line

on the tight rope, you must

wobble and waft,

dip and trickle and

above all, bend.

nothing between your breath and the wind.

I never could trust the balance,

give myself up to the fall.

You and I were pushing the boundary,

pulling it back,

pushing, pulling,

the rope growing tighter every time.

Did you know the tightrope hurts?

Half an inch of cold metal

Wrapping deep into bare feet.

I never could accept that pain,

give myself up to its wildness.