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[tidyroommessyheadocd]

I didn't think it'd sting as much this time

Nothing humbles you like an OCD relapse. I know OCD is chronic, I know it has a cyclical nature, and yet I greatly underestimated what another deep clash with OCD would be like.

I compile little folders in my photos app of the next photos I want to include in an instagram post throughout the weeks/months before I post, and there’s one called ‘end oct’ that I never finished adding to and that I never posted. It’s very clear to see when the intensified OCD struck because I have less photos in general after that point, and many more notes in my phone.

It’s frustrating to feel like you really want to talk about something but don’t know what to say. Especially in such an overcrowded, sanitised space where the same messages seem to keep being regurgitated. Talking to people is good, bottling things up is bad, ‘prioritise your mental health’. I’d actually quite like to un-prioritise my mental health. I’d like it if my mental health became something fixable by yoga and bubble baths; I’d like it if I could allow it to be an afterthought, even if that’s not what anyone is supposed to do. I’m looking forward to when there is only one reality that I’m following; the one in front of my eyes instead of splitting focus because of the fraud behind them.

I feel like I am only supposed to talk if I have advice. My only real advice is to seek medical attention, and not even everyone can do that. I leave little pieces of advice for myself in my notes. I think reading the words I’ve written back to myself legitimises it a bit more because it feels somewhat external and not part of the chaos in my head. There’s a note where I am asking myself to enjoy it when I’m better. I stand by that. So really my only piece of advice for people feeling shit is to remember to celebrate when you no longer feel shit. It’s a bit like a debt you owe to yourself. If you’ve missed out on life and joy for a while, really pack it in there afterwards. I plan to eat loads of chips and get on some trains.