thumbelina204

[thumbelina204]

I can never let someone nurture me…I can never give my problems off to someone else…

it probably stems from the idea that i’m independent and can do everything myself..or the idea that I never need someone…

it’s not a healthy trait, not one that i’m proud of, but it’s me. I will never allow someone to take over my problems, the ones I must figure out myself…but the idea that someone is willing to help me is much sexier than anything else.

[thumbelina204]

Jesus would be disappointed in us.

I may no longer look to him after pleading and crying in my childhood bedroom for him to fix me, thinking I was broken

but I know that he would wash my feet.

He was never a symbol of hate that is used now.

he would never call my love a sin.

I know the Jesus that I was taught was loving and kind, who died for us…

he would be disappointed in the people who say are his followers because he knows that they carry hate, not love.

[thumbelina204]

I once thought that no matter how far away we were

we still had the same sky to look up to…

but what am I supposed to look at now other then your grave?

[thumbelina204]

Stable Stars

Maybe I care for the stars because they are the only things that do not change. They stay stable when everything does not.

I can come home and ignore the amount of grey taking over my dog's muzzle. Or the wrinkles being added to my grandmother's face. I can ignore the people from my high school being engaged or having kids. I can ignore the rust covering the old playset I used to love.

The dust that collects on my childhood toy continues to grow, but the stars above me have always stayed the same.

[thumbelina204]

[thumbelina204]

I look up at the stars

the same ones that were shining when I was 12

and beg for their help

their mercy

their advice.

[thumbelina204]

i’m an atheist not because I dont believe in a God

but because I know a God wouldn’t be so cruel.

no God would allow such things to happen

not to the sweet, vulnerable girl I once was.

if I ever reach those golden gates

I will spit at his feet and say

“I learned long ago to never seek sanctuary from you.”

[thumbelina204]

“i’m not a violent dog…I dont know why i bite”

but I do. I know why I bite.

the girl inside me who was filled with love and acceptance, died. she was torn apart by rabid animals who only wanted her flesh.

she was left to pick up the pieces. she was left to sew them together, to try and figure out how to pierce the needle through a plate of metal to cover it.

and she was left a girl scared of love. knowing that hatred and anger is easier then care and forgiveness.

I bite because I will never let someone get close to that little girl inside of me again. I bite because I have now become the guard dog of my soul.

because dogs only bite when they are scared.