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Literacy journal #1

what kind of reading and writing and speaking activities did you do after school? for church? for play? did you keep a diary? write plays or stories? write letters? frequent chat rooms online? write fanfiction?

growing up i struggled with reading assignments for school, mostly with reading out loud. however outside of school I was reading nonstop, I was reading above what my teachers thought I could. now when I ask my mom about it, she said that what we were reading in class was boring to me and that is why I never wanted to read the assigned books. 

it wasn't until our 3rd grade class was taken to the library that I started to be more confident in reading at school, I was in there every day before classes and during lunch. the librarian introduced me to the world of harry potter, warrior cats, and maximum ride. I loved to read so much that I had teachers telling me to stop reading during classes.

this love for reading continued into my middle school life, I became fast friends with the librarian at that school and was in there inbetween classes while also eating lunch in there- which we weren't allowed to do without special permission from the librarian. I read every book in the 6-7th grade section, then while my mom worked after school in the nurses office across the school, I got permission to read in that schools library while waiting for her to finish work. I was able to read the books in the 8th grade area that I wasn't able to read in my schools library.

one of my favorite things that happened was in 7th grade, I had history class first block. before that class I would ask my teacher if I could run to drop off my library books and get new ones, as the library was right across the hall and he could see me actively talking to the librarian. this is how he knew I wasn't just trying to skip class. then the next day I would ask him again, it got to the point that he told me that it would be ok for me to miss morning announcements to stay in the library a little longer. and near the end of the year he gave me my very own pass to the library and said that I wouldn't need to ask anymore, but his only rule was that I had to tell him about the books and if I would recommend them.

I think that this experience as well as my parents saying that they would get me any book I wanted as long as I continued to read. books became a way to escape the world around me, as a child with high anxiety and awkwardness. I made friends by reading and found a community that I wasn't afraid to express myself in. to this day I continue to read, although I have expanded my genres. 

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For those who self h@rm by cvtting, here’s some tips for taking care of yourself from someone whos being doing it for 10+ years

•It’s okay, don’t think any less of yourself for relapsing. It happens and its okay. No one ever tells you that its okay.

•Invest in a person first aid kit, I’m a first responder so I’ve always been stocked up. You should make sure your kit has the following:

• sterile cleansing wipes (you can never have enough of these)

•Conforming bandages (you’ll need this for bigger cuts to help keep the gauze secure

•Microporous Tape

•Different size wound dressings

•Plasters of all different sizes (fabric ones work best I find)

•Kitchen roll (I know that sounds strange but it helps to stop the bleeding, where as tissue just falls to bits)

•Some wound closure stitches (butterfly stitches)

•Wash your hands properly before you cvt, it will help keep you safe okay

•Whatever your going to cvt with make sure you give it a good clean with a sterile wipe, I got some nasty infections from not doing this when I was young.

•After you have had your ‘session’ (at least that’s what I call mine) make sure that you treat your wound properly:

•Hold the kitchen roll to your wound until it stops bleeding.

•Clean the area with the sterile wipes thoroughly

•If it is small enough for a plaster then out that on there

•If not use the wound dressings, measure up to the wound ensuring that there is a good finger width between the edge of the cut and the end of the dressing

•Use the tape to secure it into place

•Hold one end of the bandage away from the wound before you start wrapping it (so you have something to tie it off with)

•Don’t wrap it too tight or it will be uncomfortable and you’ll want to take it off

•Change the bandage or plaster every day at least once (I know that it’s hard but if you don’t it might cause an infection)

•If you cvt too deep, it happens it’s okay I’ve been there, push firmly against the wound with a tea towel or any fabric you can get. If the blud is pouring out I’m going to need you to hold it against you wound as hard as you can and then a little harder. Call you Emergencey service number (999, 911 etc) they will talk you though what you have to do and get you help.

•Dispose of any blades you use, don’t use them twice it WILL cause an infection that can get into your blood. I bought pencil sharpeners on Amazon for very cheap. One use only okay? You don’t want to get sick over it.

•If you want to help your scars become less visible use Bio Oil I think that it works the best and really helped me with the ones on my arms.

•There are things that can help you with your urges or relapses.

•Some helpful apps that I would recommend are:

•StayAlive (I have had this on my phone for many years now and it has saved my life

It has saved my life on many occasions and if you find that you are in need of die help, you can show it to the emergency services and they will help you okay. We are trained in this.

•Harm less (It gives you motivational things whenever you open it, it’s 100% customisable and it can help you keep track of your relapses)

•Its okay to relapse, I’ve been though it many times, I recently just relapsed acted a 250+ day gap. Its okay and no one says it enough. You haven’t let anyone down, no one is disappointed in you, your okay.

Just some tips I’ve learnt over time, it’s going to be okay

[threerats-inatrenchcoat]

Whats for dinner?

You guessed it

✧.* nothing ✧.*

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its like I hate that I did it but the pain after is what keeps me going. it reminds me that im still alive and even if my emotions are numb I can still feel pain, it shows me that im not a lifeless robot

idk if I hate or love the sting after sh

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We should bring this back

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honestly this is the point that im at rn, it seems like the best way to stop myself from imploding

Update: My 3d has gotten so bad that I think I might start to sh

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when someone doesn’t wanna tell me what i did wrong and suddenly i’m 8 years old wondering what i did to make my mom mad again

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I want love but I don't want to have to beg for it. Please love me too. Please acknowledge me. It's like you don't want me here anymore...are you better off without me? Is everyone better off without me?...

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me because i did sm work convincing everyone that i got better and i cant destroy that now

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I wanna smoke a cigarette. I wanna cut. I wanna kill myself. I wanna starve. Everything I want rn is self destruction.

[threerats-inatrenchcoat]

life update

over the past few weeks a lot has happened that I haven't talked about on here. to sum it up there's this man that's been stalking me since November and my college is doing next to nothing about it.

ive been to a fuck ton of meetings about it and I had one today where someone finally took me seriously about how this guy is not a student but instead a guy that's old enough to be my father. he knows where I live and just stands across the Road or paces by the door waiting.

its creepy as fuck and has left me feeling unsafe and like im being watched all the time. im terrified of walking by myself and im jumpy no matter what.

my friends are mostly being people that I can lean on but just today a close friend of mine has told be to not keep them updated and that they don't care. it might be an extreme reaction, but when things like this happen I block their number for a bit to give people space and to take a step back.

I want to continue being active on Tumblr but everything is getting to me and im honestly this close to deleting all of my socials and not talking to anyone on my campus. this on top of my eating disorder is not going well at all. im In a constant state of binging and then purging it all from worry and then I starve for 3 days and then I repeat the fucking cycle all while going to classes and meetings with the head of our campus security. it wasn't until today that I fully told my boyfriend what's been going on because I didn't want to admit that im being stalked as that would make it seem more real.

this on top of the state of the us is making me really debate why im still here. I might have stopped being super suicidal, but the urge to slit my wrists is coming back super strong. ive even started writing in my old journal about it while also drawing out how I have been feeling in it.

everything is getting to be too much for me and I want it all to end immediately. I NEED it to end before I end it all once and for all guys.

[threerats-inatrenchcoat]

new project!!

here’s a little sneak peak to my next crochet project, I’m freehanding it based on a picture I found on Pinterest. I am trying to find the original poster of the picture so that I can give them credit for their pictures/crochet pieces.

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i deserve to be an eel. in a crevice with a bunch of other eels. opening and closing our mouths over and over

[threerats-inatrenchcoat]

ITS BACK!

There’s so much to unpack here:

Pack of Beakers

Goth Beaker

The Beaker snitching and pointing out the photographer

The Beaker that’s about to unload on the photographer

The terminator strut before the ass whooping and you know he’s moving at speed because of the blur

The ominous feeling that you know this is 3 in the morning

[threerats-inatrenchcoat]

Before You Binge

you're allowed to binge ... if you do all of these steps first

chug 1l of water

drink a cup of peppermint tea

and a cup of green tea

and a cup of hot lemon water

brush ur teeth

run up and down the stairs five times

do 20 jumping jacks

do 20 squats

do 20 prayer pulses

do 20 butt kicks

follow a lazy girl workout video

go for a 15-20 min walk

watch an episode of supersized vs superskinny, my 600lb life, freaky eaters, or a trisha paytas or nikocado avocado mukbang

put a face mask on

read a chapter of a book

read 5 more chapters of the book

finish the book

do duolingo lessons until you run out of hearts. then do practice lessons until you regain the hearts you lost

watch a disney movie

then watch a ghibli movie

watch an episode of that show you'd always meant to watch but never got around to

work on journalling, creative writing, or writing poetry

do some stretches

practice a hobby that keeps your hands busy, like knitting, gaming, or playing an instrument

paint your nails

watch a fashion show

watch media with a celebrity whose body you consider to be goals, like music videos/live performances for singers and movies/TV shows for actresses

watch interviews with aforementioned celebrities

start taking a free course on coursera.org, there are some you can complete in a couple of hours. or you can take a longer course and just do a lesson each time you feel the urge to binge

do a workout that's 40 mins or longer

shower for 20 mins with music

put lotion on your entire body

do the chores you've been ignoring

read an article about the effects of hunger on the body

drink another litre of water

and a pot of herbal tea

watch a documentary

watch a ted talk

you are probably tired after all this, so take a nap for half an hour or longer

if you still feel like binging, honestly, you earned it

[threerats-inatrenchcoat]

I got kinda bored while waiting for my meeting time, so enjoy the avatar I made of myself. depending on how much I like it, I might make it my profile!