thoughtsofthepersonalkind

[thoughtsofthepersonalkind]

Miscalculated the edible last night and now we're high at work xdxdxd

[thoughtsofthepersonalkind]

Maybe writing will help me out a little

I'm suuuuch an annoying piece of shit. Fuck. I made a mistake and I don't have the balls to fix it

When I graduated college my dad didn't give me 2 days before he roped me and my sister to the family business. For months before graduating I had been saying how much I would hate that, how it would be my last option, how I'd rather do anything else, but when push came to shove.... I didn't do anything, I felt too guilty not to accept. Then I told myself it would be temporary, only a couple of months and I'll start looking for something else. But 2 months became 4 and I low key thought I might eventually stop hating or I would just "fix things up so that they can continue without me"

It's been a year and I hate my life.

Literally a whole fucking year and what the fuck have I done? Sure I have money now I guess but my life fills like a void.

And I think money is part of the problem

Why the hell do I not leave if I hate it so much?

I guess... my first instinct is to call myself lazy. What else could it be? You piece of shit, get off your ass, and Do Something.

I guess I'm scared. I'm scared that anything else will be worse. I'm scared ill earn less and have less time and I'll hate my job and want to return.

I'm also scared ill be the family disappointment.

That's the crux of it, isn't it? Imagine I start doing something else and leave everything in the dust. They'll judge me even more than they already do. I'm already fat, lazy, mannish dyke with an attitude problem, unlike my perfect fucking sister. The only thing I did fine was school (the only thing I enjoyed was school), what the fuck am I useful for if I'm not doing their bidding? What gives me the right to live in their house and eat their food and "enjoy" all their fucking privileges if im not dedicating my life to them?

Even though I hate going home, and I don't like interacting with them and I want to control what I eat.

[thoughtsofthepersonalkind]

Happy 3 month anniversary

God help

I've been in pain before but never so much that I couldn't fucking sleep

And now of all fucking times

[thoughtsofthepersonalkind]

[thoughtsofthepersonalkind]

And you know what's so frustrating? That I look fine to the average person. I don't limp much 95% of the time, I don't complain unless it's a really bad day, I look exactly the same as I did before minus 10 kg.

What does this mean? Well, others don't get it. At first my family was understanding all the time and now they're just counting the days until I'm able to fend for myself halfway decently again. I feel like a liar when I tell my teachers I didn't attend class and didn't do homework because I had a bad day on a Monday and I felt the repercussions the whole week. I feel like I'm making bullshit excuses for laziness even though I KNOW I just wasn't functioning. But they can't see that, they just see me standing there looking exactly the same as I do every day and I know they don't believe me.

I'm becoming a burden to others, a liability. Not a single person that I know understands what I'm going through, not really. You can't imagine pain that you haven't felt. How do you think it feels when your bone presses against your nerves and you can feel your whole leg burning? When you sit and it feels like someone has taken a clamp and pinched the nerves on the back of your thigh? Like you're being stabbed around the hips? Your muscles always sore as if you lifted for the first time in weeks?

They don't get it, and what's more, they get tired of hearing about it.

Yeah, yeah, you're "hurting". You're always complaining about it, how about you get over it already and get back to working like a normal person?

It's so... alienating.

[thoughtsofthepersonalkind]

I feel like my life is over

It's been 3 months, give or take are few days, since this started and every day I regret all my life choices that lead to that moment.

I hate it, I hate to admit it, but I'm not getting better. This is never going away.

It's so hard to say but I'm... disabled. Permanently.

Not only that but in so much pain.

Everything I wanted relied on me being Strong. Capable. Active. Independent.

And now? I can't even sit down, can't even carry backpacks, can't lean down, can't run.

My identity up until now had been defined by my physical abilities, by working with my hands and doing the heavy lifting.

I liked being able to defend myself and others, to help family build furniture, carry materials to the workshop and spend hours working on projects.

I don't think I'll ever be able to return to fighting, lifting, strengthening myself, carrying my dogs.

And I fear my ability to create, to work, will also be taken away from me.

What am I if I can't do what I love? What I spent years of my life studying to do?

The only thing I had defined in my life was that one day I want to own my own workshop and spend my days making things. And now I'm wondering if I'll be able to do it at all.

I miss fighting, I miss it so much, it brought balance into my life, I made friends with my teammates, I had a sort of happiness in it.

I don't think I'm ever going back.

I'm so tired

I'd do anything to be better, anything at all. God, I would steal, lie and kill if it meant I could have my life back. But there's nothing that can be done.

Fuck. Fuck. Why? Why am I like this?

I DIDNT KNOW THIS COULD HAPPEN

If I had known years ago... hell if I had known one hour before That Day. I would've changed.

Or at least, I would like to believe I would've.

But maybe I'm kidding myself. I was a piece of shit, I probably wouldn't have done anything.

I can't believe this is what it took.

I hate myself.

[thoughtsofthepersonalkind]

I wish I could... lay on my fucking bed and sleep for a few hours

[thoughtsofthepersonalkind]

God help

I've been in pain before but never so much that I couldn't fucking sleep

And now of all fucking times

[thoughtsofthepersonalkind]

Mmm I feel like a boomer in the body of a 20 something

[thoughtsofthepersonalkind]

I don't think I've had a good night's rest in a week or so, or at least it feels that way.

Truly I don't think I've ever been in this position before.

I feel like an absolute failure and that's only exacerbated by my exhaustion. I truly fear that we won't manage to do good enough work.

I don't even have time to feel anxiety. My self from a few months ago was right to panic though.

There's only so much I can do. When my flimsy organizational skills fail me so often, it's not surprising that I over look things in a team setting as well. And when noone else double checks? That just spells disaster.

I feel like working with these people is like herding a couple of feral cats. Talented in their own right but godawful at being competent and following instructions.

I need help.

[thoughtsofthepersonalkind]

You know everything was going so well, like I thought I had it, even if I checked the wrong dates I had written down that we needed to finish everything a week early anyway. But I guess you can't trust people, specially these guys, with following a time table and nownhere we are. Might be the first big failure in my life and Jesus I'm terrified.