thoughtlessinsecurities-blog

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7.17.12

What is wrong with me?      

So yesterday I headed into work and saw my ex boyfriend whom I haven't seen in over two weeks, infatuation hit me and now I have no idea what to do. It was honestly hell at work because for one he would not say one word to me, he was the one who told me when we were breaking up that he still wanted to be friends, why don't you talk to me then? So later on at work when we were clocking out I asked him "Hey Ricky did Brandon come into the locker room yet?" he then replied with "uhm no I think he's still upstairs." His expression and look that he gave me made me think back on what we had, it was nice to see that he was comfortable around me. Usually he really doesn't show any emotion towards other people and if he does it's really monotone. So after getting burritos with some friends, I go home and text this kid Alec and asked him in curiosity if the reason he compliments me was just because. He responded with "At first yeah, but that was because you drunk texted me. But like later on I started thinking about it and realized I do like you and you're the reason I broke up with Jen." I felt like utter shit at the point, I did not like him, I still liked Ricky. Two of my close friends liked him and I could never screw them over like that, I want to convince him to like my friend Melinda, I want to set them up. I have no idea what I am doing with my life, I hate myself so fucking much. I tried that butterfly thing were you draw a butterfly on your arm so you don't cut, if you do cut, you automatically kill it. Not even a fucking day in and I did it, I killed the poor thing. I'm sorry for what I have become, I am sorry for being such a shitty person. You hate me? It's okay because I hate myself too.

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7.11.12

The one thing I have always hated

Is honestly myself, I hate everything about me and I could never understand why people would waste their own time and words on me, uttering compliments, it's just preposterous to me. Another thing I hate is how incredibly annoying I have become, I use to just sit there and shut the fuck up but now I talk and laugh and I don't know it just really bugs me. I guess I just hate my voice, the reason for saying this is because I have a deeper and more monotone voice than other girls and it really makes me self conscious. I really hate it when my friends start to tease me about it, when it's just us I am I guess okay with it but around other people that I have just met it really makes me feel like shit because their pointing out my flaws and doing that makes the people around us notice them even better than before. No one understands how much it fucking hurts when they do an impression of me. I know I sound stupid but seriously this is just something I must confess, I'm sorry I'm so stupid.

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7.3.12

Why do I always let myself get to me?    

I feel there is a broken record that plays in my head every damn day, mindlessly rewinding my thoughts of sadness and anger, my hatred towards my own self. At work today I was messing with this guy Brendan whom I had liked awhile back and out of no where sadness hit me like a fucking bullet, it was so painful and I couldn't do anything about it but just sit there with a mask over my suffering expression. Later on  it had finally hit me as to why I had this epidemic of mine, hiding deep down in my heart was the feelings I had felt for him before. You think that this would make me happy as I was interacting with him, but really it was completely opposite because I have the knowledge that he does not share these same feelings as I do. It really sucks. I hate having this feeling of worthlessness always on my shoulders, I feel like a fucking idiot all of the time. People always bring me down in someway, I always say stupid shit, and just get taken advantage of. I know I'm not the smartest of the bunch but for once I would just like to feel like I was. I'm so worthless.Help. Help. Help.

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7.1.12

Today I feel like utter shit, bearing the feelings of heart ache and insecurities really just isn't my cup of tea.

I cut my arm up really bad the other day and when I went to hang out with Ricky he saw and did say one thing about it. I wanted him to, because then I can have some hopeless feeling that he still cared for me. But whatever I guess, onto other news a guy I had met back in march has finally left for Florida, the reason for why I am even mentioning this is because I know this is gonna sound so stupid but I had fallen in love with him, he was perfect, everything I had looked for in someone and now he is gone forever. 

I feel so dumb, please just let me die.

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6.19.12

Why do I always mess things up 

I still feel like total and complete shit, yes my friends did really help me a lot and I am grateful for that but they can't help me through it all. I am just going to give up on ever finding somebody that feels the same way about me as I do them. I am shit, I am worthless, I am ugly, I am overweight, I am Sierra and Sierra is someone I do not want to be. Why does summer have to start out so shitty? Why did he stop liking me? It had to be something I did, it always is, it's always me. Because I am wrongful, I am a fuck up and no one can tell me otherwise. I seriously hate myself so much and he honestly just made it a lot worse. When we first got into the relationship him and I have both noticed how happy I had become, I wake up every morning thinking about how no one cares about my worthless existence, I want to off myself right then and there. But having knowledge that someone had actually cared for me as much as I do them made me feel a lot better, I saw past all those flaws of mine and really took his feelings into consideration. But that's all over now, time to wake up every morning and do the same routine. Wake up and question my own existence and then later in the day feel like even more crap being around my really pretty friends and realizing I am the ugly one in the group. It really really sucks to know that. I seriously hate myself so much, why am I the way I am.

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Eat your heart out you stupid bitch.

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6.17.12

Happiness, how does one obtain this? 

I have always wondered why there are so many giddy and happy people in this world. Isn't there something that breaks this happiness of theirs? Maybe they have figured out what's really important or even they had an epiphany and came to a conclusion solving the mysteries of life. What if that's how one obtains this euphoric sense of happiness. Personally I will never truly understand.  

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6.16.12

I am an incompetent human being.

At least that is how I view my opinionated self. For a very long time in my short life I have encountered many different perspectives of peoples lives, it is quite intriguing but at the same time a bit grotesque to have the feeling and power of knowledge of another human being. The reason I am saying something this irrational is the fact that I could do whatever I want with those secrets of theirs, I could make their lives a living misery. But of course I won't, I am not the type of person who'd want to ruin somebody else's happiness.

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(by 文隽)

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