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To whom it may concern

I've been talking a lot to myself lately, sometimes inside my head, and sometimes out loud when I'm by myself like right now. And almost always, I only have one topic I tirelessly go through, and that is about a friend (who I don't know if still is a friend) living free in my apartment, which I completely allowed her to, cause she was a really good friend then. And in a matter of one year and some few months, she has completely transformed into a stranger I could hardly be comfortable being around with. She has become a difficult person to have normal conversations with and not come off awkward. It is true that I am not a very sociable person, especially if the other person I have to make social interactions with is not very pleasing and just really difficult. So as much as I possibly can, I avoid being in her presence, no eye contacts no conversations no nothing. For you to understand where I am coming, would be a story for another post I guess. I am just completely amazed by how much she is just spending her days watching whatever she can on her laptop, going through every single post on Facebook or her instagram (and if I have to be completely honest with my bitter feelings, she never even had the time to like my posts despite having 24/7 uninterrupted access to all the different kinds of social media.

I hear from her live-in partner, that she is looking for work, but for how long is she planning to just look for work. I have heard so many people already getting jobs everywhere in here, the country has already started to return back to the precovid workforce. Of course, we are still in the pandemic period, covid is still there and we are already living in the new normal standards, so economically speaking, a lot of the business have lost a lot of money and so salaries wouldn't be as good as they were. A mechanic friend knew about her situation, our common friend, said that she is not losing by taking a job that pays over 800 dollars a month, cause she is coming from zero income. And on top of that, she is not going to pay any monthly bills, cause that's all covered by my salary package, all you have to worry about is food expense that you actually share with your partner.. at least, that would cover your visa renewal fees every 3 or 4 months! I just feel like she is taking a lot of opportunities for granted.. it is such a waste that a lot of people are trying to help her, and she's not really doing much to get out of the rut that she got herself into.

I remember our boss was telling her to get a college degree when we were still working together in the same company. Apparently, our company had implemented these new rules, that they were only retaining all those who finished college and has a degree, unfortunately, she only finished a two year course I think. Not that I am looking down on her, but that itself was partly her fault. Our boss already warned her and she somehow didn't have time to do so? I don't know I'm the one getting frustrated with her situation, I feel like this shouldn't be my problem but somehow, they make it seem like it? Cause from what I heard, I am sort of being blamed for deciding to live closer to my workplace and now they couldn't live with me because it's gonna be very far from the city. I really could go on and on about my rants, and I am getting tired of doing it again and again inside my head. And I end up saying to myself if this is really my fault? Am I making their life difficult because I couldn't share my apartment with them anymore? Am I selfish? What is the point that actually says I am being selfish with the actions I am taking?

My living situation here is bit tiring and not relaxing.. I am supposed to feel relaxed at home. Not trying to always make other people feel they are being served and satisfied with everything I do and decide to do. So, done with the rants tonight, I shall rant again tomorrow.

Love

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What does it even mean when you just don’t care anymore?

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Ok. Workout so far has been met.. first week of the year gone just like that 😮 There’s nothing new or weird that has happened yet (except for Omicron which is taking over the other covid variants, spreading so fast 💨) but there is this man I am with, but I don’t feel much of anything anymore. I don’t want to go into so much detail but basically, he can be emotionally abusive. Words he say sometimes pierce through and my head would just go around it over and over. It is making me crazy that’s why I’m having a hard time dealing with him. I know I should just end it but it’s not that simple, believe me.

So my target this year is get a job somewhere else, leave this place for good.

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My very simple goals (Oh my God I actually forgot what they are called) _ now I remembered: RESOLUTIONS 2022 !

1. Drink more water.

2. Exercise almost everyday (at least 3 or 4 times a week).

3. Sketch or paint more.

4. Don’t overthink anything.

5. Appreciate more, expect less.

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Not at the moment 😐 I just wanna be lazy for now.

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Why do these people don’t make a sound when they pee!? Am I the only one who kinda piss like a horse?!?

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Job Hunt

Yes, I am on the hunt for new job opportunities once again. I crossed the line, and must pay the price.

A recruiter has submitted my cv to a really good refinery somewhere in Vietnam, I don't know how it's gonna go but I feel it won't push through because I don't have enough experience. So with that, I must try to be more patient, resilient and persevere.

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Random thoughts_ iii

When I finally find a serious relationship, I’m getting myself a dog. Let’s see how long this is gonna take 😒

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just what I needed to remind me..

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(Almost) Weekend Getaway!

or more of ...Getaway... like no exclamation points whatsoever. I don't feel 100% right now for this little sneak out of the city just real quick plans we have for tonight, I don't know why. But really one of them is because my beautiful big-headed fish is sick T_T and just last night when I even bought him presents! seriously, he was like energetic and active, and then he wasn't. I guess, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree? Is that right? Anyway, he has swim bladder disease, I hope he gets better soon and don't make me clean out another dead fish please. (that can be a story for another day. ps, I am not a fish killer) So, I just hope and pray that all will be well.

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hurt people hurt people. 

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What?

What do you guys do when you’re not doing anything ... at work? 

Seriously, it’s been 4 months since I have been working chill, I don’t really wanna be in this chill zone for too long because then I wouldn’t know how to become busy again. Good thing, we are working from home, so I actually have a lot of options. O_O

It’s extra lazy lame day for me at work because it’s like the Friday (but Thursday really) of the workweek and tomorrow’s our day off. Finally. Also, my immediate senior slash supervisor slash team leader is on leave, I don’t know until when, but, no one is really giving me clear instructions on what they want me to do here. So seriously, I am being paid to just lounge at home at the moment. #sorrynotsorry

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Yesterday, went here with my housies just to forget the stress of it all.. for few hours at least. It’s a nice place where you kinda feel like you’re in a summer vacation during those times when COVID didn’t exist yet.

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Imma be taking my road test in 2 days and I’m seriously having panic attacks just thinking about it. Any advice?!? Anyone?!? 😫🤪

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Men and Women

I am in the middle of watching To All the Boys right now, and damn, go ahead and think me crazy and shallow, but it is making me cry. Maybe cause of all the bits of squabbles I've been dealing with this guy for the last couple of weeks. It's hot and cold. I'm getting tired of it but then, I remember why I keep on pushing. But is it real? I don't know.

I couldn't help but think that guy's are just full of shit. Now I understand why I see a lot of women along these lines. Because maybe, it is true. He makes me feel so many things, a lot of good ones and a lot of bad ones too. He brings up fights and arguments that doesn't have any premise, just a sudden burst of emotion which is based entirely on bullshit. Sorry about the language! I try to understand, because he is under extreme stress and pressure from his work, but, I also think that I don't deserve to be treated like this. So, where does that leave me? Seriously, I need some good direction and a break from his fits.

I have always been dreaming of finding a boyfriend and he'd be my first and last and we will live happily ever after. I guess, that's partly or mainly why I hold on until I don't know when. Maybe until he realizes he is being an ass, and it's about time he grow up and be more considerate of his partner. I don't know, sorry I am obviously rambling my thoughts aloud again.

Why can't all guys just be like Noah Centineo? and be like very sweet and charming? like, after you get into a fight he comes back to you with roses and says things so romantically, I mean, how can you not get back together??? huh. Just writing out all my frustrations in life right? Imma go before this becomes a chapter.

Love, Me

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Listening to these mellow, heartbreaking songs late at night will only make whatever you are feeling and thinking worse. Just go to sleep, tomorrow is another day.

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Hi Tumblr.

This is just gonna be short. :)

I just finished watching this docuseries on Netflix. As you can see, this is the Elisa Lam Case way back 2013 (very significant year for me cause this is when I finally started to work). In a lot of ways, I was drawn to her story, not just the series of events that led up to her death, but to her life as Elisa Lam even before this horrendous event happened. There are so many things I see myself in her, but then, I feel this is the same for most people who find themselves battling some sort of depression. But other than that, I do love to just type away sometimes, and let my fingers take my words into stories and yes, I do feel the same rush of pleasure once I post, reread and sometimes, correct misspelled words and correct wrong grammar. It gives me a sense of significance in this world and some meaning to my existence somehow. Truly, I find her skills commendable, her ways of expressing her emotions is just enchanting and the way she plays with words so enticing that you hold on to every bit that comes. It is really really good. I find myself scrolling through her blog minutes before I started typing myself. I do hope that wherever she is, she has finally found the abundant joy and peace that she was not able to find (most of the time maybe) in this world.

photo credits to latimes.com