thisismylifedotnet - Tumblr blog

[thisismylifedotnet]

It has been... years.

16.2.2021

Time really flies whether you are busy or not... 

I saw @therealjacksepticeye post his “Loss” vlog and it reminded of this “blog” thing I have going on in here. (That I really don’t update this much but ah well, something to burst emotions to)

A quick time lapse to what have happened and what kind of situation I am now in. 

Last time (8/2018) I wrote a big text where  I opened my life scars and told everything that hurt me, especially with my mother. It was totally worth writing it here. because it opened my mind a bit to see from another point of view. 

Back then I was studying to be a custom seamstress, a person who can make custom clothes to women. Guess what? I graduated at May 2020!! Hurray! I now know how to make clothes properly and can have my dream hobby now! In those 2 years light has showed up at the end of the tunnel, finally! I have been breaking brick walls with my head so hard I can see light without imagining it. The last period, which was kind of the end test of how we can manage to do a dress to a customer with as minimum help as possible, was covid-19 pandemic when they first closed all schools. Good thing for me: I already had a sewing machine and the other machine that cuts and sews a pattern to the edge of the fabric. I even had just big enough table to  draw the patterns and cut the fabric. Surprise, surprise, even to me: my customer was my mother, to whom I did a fancy summer dress how she liked it. It was not supposed to be my mom but the other customer wanted to avoid covid, so I asked her.

My mother was the same pain in the ass as before all my time in that education, but she has showed signs of accepting me more and more when time has passed. I still date the same boyfriend as before and he has been continued to tell my mom how things actually are and how they are done elsewhere. We even had planned some situations where she couldn’t believe anything before we demonstrated it and after her “ooh, this is nice, how did you do this?” -comments, we revealed that this was done the way she didn’t believe worked. And I think it has been a slow process of realization to her that things are not as she thinks them to be. Sure, there are the basic things that are just not getting to her, but now I can believe that practice makes perfect. Well, not perfect in this case but better. 

So, what did I do after graduation to custom seamstress from a vocational school? I continued to drive taxi as a work but kept a couple of months break because of covid took most of our customers away. Then I started studying Hospitality in August! I think hospitality is the answer to what is going to be my occupation. I have enjoyed studying hospitality so far, I hope my motivation stays till the end.

Also after I got in and started studying hospitality my mom has not been judging me anymore as much, at least not out loud. Thanks to that I have been able to focus on improving myself and I cannot remember when was the last time I felt this great to be myself and ready to the challenges ahead. Seriously, I even surprised myself in a presentation in a positive way.

Also thank you again to @markiplier and @therealjacksepticeye for reminding me once in a while who I am and what is good in life. Not to mention my boyfriend who has helped me understand why my mom is a piece of shit and I have not done anything wrong and she is just a crazy person.

My life, my world and my choices. 

[thisismylifedotnet]

know your worth

[thisismylifedotnet]

I have lived officially with my boyfriend the last month. Yesterday I got sick so I couldn’t go to school (I am educating to clothing) but my boyfriend went to work as normal. When he came back he brought me a bundle of pink roses. That was a reminder to me that the world hasn’t just yet turned its back on me.

Thank God he exist. Otherwise I wouldn’t be here writing my stories

[thisismylifedotnet]

Thank you.

My mother is so blind from money and her own pride she can’t see, hear or accept the truth. She even have told me her biggest fear: that I am a lesbian. And what comes to my mental illness, obviously I didn’t want to tell it to her immediately. I wished she would understand if I didn’t want to talk about it yet but no. She FORCED me to tell it making it only worse. “I can’t think of anything worse than that you are a lesbian!” I said no. “Then tell me what mental illness you have!” etc.. That was last year at summer.

She’s an idiot and thinks all her friends say is true. I can’t figure anything else out.

Life is hard and unfair. My friends mostly know of the situation that is going on right now, but I have been thinking of getting contacted with my psychology again.

You have a good heart, keep it well. <3

My life right now

26.9.2018

Sometimes I just wish that I was dead or didn’t have to go through this. Sometimes I want to sit pack and sleep to the point everything starts so go to the right direction.

This is what my life holds “up” to, or at least what made me to this point:

I grew up with an almost perfect family until I was 11 and my father died. My mother was always the one giving me rules and restrict my movements. I liked my dad, not her. As a single child after my dad died I got literally all mothers attenion she gave to my father fist.. When he died it was the same as my childhood was over and welcome “adulthood” at 11 years.

At summer I was restricted to be home at 9pm, that was almost okay with me until I turned 15. But I live in a country that has really dark winters, so mother had to have me at home already at 6pm. She said it was normal. None of my friends had a time like I had in the winter! She was so overprotective I couldn’t go outside without letting her know I went out with trusted friends. Already at secondary school I was so pissed to her overwhelming I often I said I’d go out with friends but what I truly did was that I went to a park that had a hill with a rock wall. I went there to walk at the edge and think if I should do it or not… I thought that I didn’t have to suffer to live. But thinking my friends I couldn’t do it. Thinking my mother who never understood me (and still doesn’t) I always wanted to make the jump.

I never were good enough to my mother. “You should study harder!”, “What have you done in your room if your grade is that bad!”, “Have you been listening to music when you are supposed to study? You must understand that you have the exam tomorrow! You can’t pass it by just listening to music and sitting here doing really nothing!”, etc. “admiring” (read: reproaching) words and sentences almost every week of my life going school. I have a reading difficulty which makes it harder to read and learn as fast as the others. I was always behind schedule BAD when it came to reading. Truth is, I studied as hard as I could most of the time AND my grades were average all the time. I mean, not good, but not bad. Average.

Choosing my education route whether I’d go to high school or vocational school (is that really the right word? Vocational school?) was an easy pick. My mother of course wanted me to high school. Thank god we agree for once! But which high school… I wanted to go the path makes me happy, lets me learn from myself for the future and the occupation I want to spend my life to. My mother… Can I kill her? She wanted me to go to school, which admission requires a higher grade than the average. I didn’t have it but I promised her that I’d put it as primary school I’d “want in” just to end the fight. At this time there were already signs of her having trust issue with me. I’d still put the one I wanted to and got in.

My time at high school was great, I enjoyed it and I really felt like I was where I belonged to. Only that my mother crushed my dreams one by one every time I’d talk about my current interest. The same problem always followed her arguments. Money. “They don’t get payed well”, “That is something I don’t see you doing. They really do nothing to get payed. And those people are nothing to our community.”, That would be the same as driving a garbage truck” etc. again… 

At some point my mother saw that something is wrong. She thought it was my fathers death. I tried to tell her that it was not but because I couldn’t tell her what is wrong she forced me to go to youngsters therapy. What I talked there was purely my anger, fear and problems with my mother. Even the therapists have reacted to what they have heard about my mother like I am a victim. Or at least I feel like a victim.

Then came the day when my mother made my graduating day a nightmare instead of a great day to remember. Literally, at my graduation party. I remember putting my graduation certificate into view so guests can look at it. At one moment my lovely cousin comes to me asking for it. Then I noticed it was gone. I had studied hard on those grades and even when they weren’t good I was proud of the grades because I thought I got the worst possible past on most of them. And I didn’t! Anyway I went to ask my mom who takes me then to her bedroom and gives them to me. I asked why he took them there to hide it from people? She answered “Well, we can’t show it to the guests, I am ashamed of those grades!” I only rolled eyes to her and walked out of the room with my graduation certificate and a big, half fake smile for the quests..

From that day on it has gone only worse, especially when I moved out when I turned 19 years old. I have been shout at for not having any proper plan for finding my future occupation, not doing anything to find any ‘good’ schools that pleases her mind, not doing anything for my life etc.. Because every option I throw at her isn’t nearly as good as those she wants me in and I don’t. It is like she have planned my whole life beforehand and it includes a lot of money and a good job where I can have more money. Everyone starts at the bottom and it seems my mother can’t accept that I, “the perfect daughter who is not so perfect as she should be”, am there any moment of my life. She wants me straight to he top when I want to stay low because I don’t care about having too much money.

Also one thing that bothers me too… She thinks all gay or lesbian people has a mental illness, which is why they date people same sex. Now, I am bi-sexual, and I haven’t told it to her for a reason.

Long ending short:

I got a mental illness from my (women’s volunteer) time at the military. I was there a year and this mental illness in its worst affects my physical health and that way to school. Last year I studied something I found interesting and my mother would’ve accept as an occupation for me. For nothing. It only made my illness worse for me. So now I am studying adults courses at vocational school to be a clothing maker as a hobby while I try to find my true occupation. It has always been a dream for me to be able to make clothes for myself, by myself. And I’ll save money by doing that. But… Again, my mother doesn’t like it. Oh, it gets even better this time she doesn’t accept me as I am so she tried to use every option to literally get my dreams off from the sky. (I read a straight referring to that “dream dropping” from my mothers text message to my boyfriend.) When I last spoke to her it was the first time since she stopped talking to me and either of us didn’t want to talk about my school. I felt relieved but scared. Is this the calm before the storm again?

My boyfriend have tried to speak some sense to her brain but she doesn’t believe anything he says about me or how things are done somewhere else outside of the capital.

People who have helped me besides my boyfriend:

@markiplier

@therealjacksepticeye

You two have reminded me about the good in fighting towards my dreams. I have no other option to go now but through the brick walls around me to see the light at the end of the tunnel… It is really dark now tough. And I am going through some mentally painful stuff..

Thank you and excuse me. 

[thisismylifedotnet]

My life right now

26.9.2018

Sometimes I just wish that I was dead or didn’t have to go through this. Sometimes I want to sit pack and sleep to the point everything starts so go to the right direction.

This is what my life holds “up” to, or at least what made me to this point:

I grew up with an almost perfect family until I was 11 and my father died. My mother was always the one giving me rules and restrict my movements. I liked my dad, not her. As a single child after my dad died I got literally all mothers attenion she gave to my father fist.. When he died it was the same as my childhood was over and welcome “adulthood” at 11 years.

At summer I was restricted to be home at 9pm, that was almost okay with me until I turned 15. But I live in a country that has really dark winters, so mother had to have me at home already at 6pm. She said it was normal. None of my friends had a time like I had in the winter! She was so overprotective I couldn’t go outside without letting her know I went out with trusted friends. Already at secondary school I was so pissed to her overwhelming I often I said I’d go out with friends but what I truly did was that I went to a park that had a hill with a rock wall. I went there to walk at the edge and think if I should do it or not... I thought that I didn’t have to suffer to live. But thinking my friends I couldn’t do it. Thinking my mother who never understood me (and still doesn’t) I always wanted to make the jump.

I never were good enough to my mother. “You should study harder!”, “What have you done in your room if your grade is that bad!”, “Have you been listening to music when you are supposed to study? You must understand that you have the exam tomorrow! You can’t pass it by just listening to music and sitting here doing really nothing!”, etc. "admiring” (read: reproaching) words and sentences almost every week of my life going school. I have a reading difficulty which makes it harder to read and learn as fast as the others. I was always behind schedule BAD when it came to reading. Truth is, I studied as hard as I could most of the time AND my grades were average all the time. I mean, not good, but not bad. Average.

Choosing my education route whether I’d go to high school or vocational school (is that really the right word? Vocational school?) was an easy pick. My mother of course wanted me to high school. Thank god we agree for once! But which high school... I wanted to go the path makes me happy, lets me learn from myself for the future and the occupation I want to spend my life to. My mother... Can I kill her? She wanted me to go to school, which admission requires a higher grade than the average. I didn’t have it but I promised her that I’d put it as primary school I’d “want in” just to end the fight. At this time there were already signs of her having trust issue with me. I’d still put the one I wanted to and got in.

My time at high school was great, I enjoyed it and I really felt like I was where I belonged to. Only that my mother crushed my dreams one by one every time I’d talk about my current interest. The same problem always followed her arguments. Money. “They don’t get payed well”, “That is something I don’t see you doing. They really do nothing to get payed. And those people are nothing to our community.”, That would be the same as driving a garbage truck” etc. again... 

At some point my mother saw that something is wrong. She thought it was my fathers death. I tried to tell her that it was not but because I couldn’t tell her what is wrong she forced me to go to youngsters therapy. What I talked there was purely my anger, fear and problems with my mother. Even the therapists have reacted to what they have heard about my mother like I am a victim. Or at least I feel like a victim.

Then came the day when my mother made my graduating day a nightmare instead of a great day to remember. Literally, at my graduation party. I remember putting my graduation certificate into view so guests can look at it. At one moment my lovely cousin comes to me asking for it. Then I noticed it was gone. I had studied hard on those grades and even when they weren’t good I was proud of the grades because I thought I got the worst possible past on most of them. And I didn’t! Anyway I went to ask my mom who takes me then to her bedroom and gives them to me. I asked why he took them there to hide it from people? She answered “Well, we can’t show it to the guests, I am ashamed of those grades!” I only rolled eyes to her and walked out of the room with my graduation certificate and a big, half fake smile for the quests..

From that day on it has gone only worse, especially when I moved out when I turned 19 years old. I have been shout at for not having any proper plan for finding my future occupation, not doing anything to find any ‘good’ schools that pleases her mind, not doing anything for my life etc.. Because every option I throw at her isn’t nearly as good as those she wants me in and I don’t. It is like she have planned my whole life beforehand and it includes a lot of money and a good job where I can have more money. Everyone starts at the bottom and it seems my mother can’t accept that I, “the perfect daughter who is not so perfect as she should be”, am there any moment of my life. She wants me straight to he top when I want to stay low because I don’t care about having too much money.

Also one thing that bothers me too... She thinks all gay or lesbian people has a mental illness, which is why they date people same sex. Now, I am bi-sexual, and I haven’t told it to her for a reason.

Long ending short:

I got a mental illness from my (women's volunteer) time at the military. I was there a year and this mental illness in its worst affects my physical health and that way to school. Last year I studied something I found interesting and my mother would’ve accept as an occupation for me. For nothing. It only made my illness worse for me. So now I am studying adults courses at vocational school to be a clothing maker as a hobby while I try to find my true occupation. It has always been a dream for me to be able to make clothes for myself, by myself. And I’ll save money by doing that. But... Again, my mother doesn’t like it. Oh, it gets even better this time she doesn’t accept me as I am so she tried to use every option to literally get my dreams off from the sky. (I read a straight referring to that “dream dropping” from my mothers text message to my boyfriend.) When I last spoke to her it was the first time since she stopped talking to me and either of us didn’t want to talk about my school. I felt relieved but scared. Is this the calm before the storm again?

My boyfriend have tried to speak some sense to her brain but she doesn’t believe anything he says about me or how things are done somewhere else outside of the capital.

People who have helped me besides my boyfriend:

@markiplier

@therealjacksepticeye

You two have reminded me about the good in fighting towards my dreams. I have no other option to go now but through the brick walls around me to see the light at the end of the tunnel... It is really dark now tough. And I am going through some mentally painful stuff..

Thank you and excuse me. 

Edit 27.9.2018:

I think the worst part is whhat my mother says all the time “I love you as you are” and “I know your father would be at my side of this school thing.” All those sentences that hurt me to try and make me surrender and go where ever she is pointing. How inappropriate even is to say a dead person is on her side? Father was better than her. She tries to use it against me. I’m 23 years now. I can say where I want or need to go. not you and your imagination based on your knowledge that are not even true, mother.

[thisismylifedotnet]

whitch is more imporant to you?

Happiness or education?

Be accepted or obey?

No parents or an overwhelming mother?

[thisismylifedotnet]

dogs and snapchat

[thisismylifedotnet]

Even if I say I hate you, I love you.

[thisismylifedotnet]

About my mother

She has been the worst. I had a great life untill I was 11 and my father died. After that being the only child has been f***ing difficult with my mother's rules. That was also the end of my childhood.

My mother has been difficult to me.

*First* she didn't let me be out too long after dark: I had to come home at 18 o'clock untill she changed her mind after I turned 18. Unless I had a very good (male) friend with me that "could've protected me" (like my mother said it).

*Second* she was the one deciding how long my hair was. Every time we fought about how the hair dresser should or should not cut my hair and she wouldn't let me have any longer hair than to my shoulders max. She gave me permission when I was 15.

*Third* she wanted to decide my school choises and still does. She has her opinions ready to attack me every time I choose my next school or future career wrong (in her opinion). She has a plan for me and thinks money and earnings more than my happiness. Literally. When I last time told her what is my plan to the future she gave me no chance to go towards it. I mean, I'm sorry _mom_ that I have dreams and sorry that I am not copy of you. Worst part being, every time we argue about my future she uses my father as a card to get me to her side; "- your father would've wanted it too". First, that is rude, second, he is dead, so she wouldn't know it 100% sure, sorry "mom". Currently (april 2018) I am studying career not for me but for mon and her liking. It has something I have little intrest tho, but not enough. Why am I studhing if I don't like it? I have no other choise. Although I have now straighten my back more (thanks to my boyfriend) and getting myself towards my own dreams, I do not wait the anger my mother has to offer me when I tell her what I've done with my current school. She. Will. Not. Like. It.

*Fourth* after father died I've been the only one my mother have given her everyday energy. Unfortunately I am the only child so not only being home alone when everyone plays outside has been boring but it got annoying quick. When I told her something important and asked if she wouldn't tell anyone, guess what she did first after laughing to me? Correct, called to her friend to tell it and then laugh more to it. I mean, I was serious about it but she took it as a joke!?!? You kidding me? I got pretty f***ng pissed then. And still she wonders what se has done wrong and why I won't tell her anything important unless I have to.

There are many stories like that one above wich I can never forget. Maybe I'll tell more later?

I expect no-one to read this but thanks if you did... Also late spell and grammar alert, I have a very dificult dyslexia (is that the word to "word blindness/reading difficulty or whatsoever. Bah, whatevs). Please don't correct it.......

[thisismylifedotnet]

Sometimes I hate it when ppl tell me what to do

and give me no choise.

[thisismylifedotnet]

My life

is a big mess... I wish I had enough strength I could fight my mom about my future and what I like (that she doesn’t). Because that is when I could be myself with her. Now I can only dream of it until she goes away from my life.

Why do I have to be the only child? I *hate* it.

[thisismylifedotnet]

Just a little bit a positive cats for everyone!

[thisismylifedotnet]

someday, you’ll look back on yourself and be so glad that you never gave up

[thisismylifedotnet]

Be yourself

Sometimes it’s good to focus on the being, not doing.

No matter what everybody else says.

[thisismylifedotnet]

This blog is Dedicated to anyone suffering from Anxiety! Please Follow Us if You Can Relate: ANXIETYPROBLEMS

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Typewriter Series #2049 by Tyler Knott Gregson