thiscoolyear

[thiscoolyear]

I got 28/30 on a quiz today. I am so disappointed in myself. I haven't gotten more than one perfect quiz and my classmates seem to be having a much easier time than me. I know some of them have been cheating, but I feel like I should do better without cheating and it makes me feel so bad that I haven't been able to.

[thiscoolyear]

This school year, I promise to be content. To love my friends as they are and to feel full with the people I already have with me. To congratulate what needs congratulations; to thank anyone who aids and guides and teaches me. This school year, I will aim for progress, not perfection. This school year, no matter how much I break these promises, I will rebuild my thoughts and start again. This school year, I will do my best—like always.

[thiscoolyear]

Hello there! So, the school year hasn't really started but there's only a week left before it starts and I'm getting a little nervous. I thought maybe I could list down some of my worries to remind myself I at least know what the heck I'm nervous about.

Research. Okay, so this year, as far as I'm aware, we have three researches to finish. One Filipino, one quantitative, and (not really sure if this counts as a research project but I'm putting it here because it's a big deal anyway) one related to our job immersion. Not sure if our teachers will actually go through with these, but this is based on what we saw the previous 12th graders do during their last year in senior high school. I'm not really looking forward to doing three whole papers in a single year so this shakes me up quite a bit.

Grades. Ah, of course, grades—the unfortunate basis of most of our worth because of the societal pressure to be the best. I am always worried about my grades, even when I know I did my best. Waiting for my grades just always makes me think that at some point during the semester there must have been a moment where I fucked everything up, even when I can't recall said moment.

Getting burnt-out. As a creative person, this sucks. I hate when I get so stressed about school and so sleep-deprived that I run out of energy to make myself feel better through writing and reading. When I get burnt-out, I can't think of anything. And—surprise, surprise—not being able to think of anything burns me out even more, so it becomes an exhausting cycle of having no motivation to do anything at all.

Not being better than last year. This is pretty self-explanatory, but I'll tell you why anyway: I am a pretty competitive person. Sometimes, if I know I can't beat other people in my class, I try to beat myself. The idea of me not doing as good as I did in the past terrifies me and I end up thinking how much I've deteriorated and failed in reaching even my own standards. Being the "gifted kid" (who never actually believed she was a gifted kid because of all the hours I spent studying), I have had a pretty hard time dealing with pressure. Most of it is from me, too, and we all know how hard it is to convince ourselves that a belief we've had about ourselves is wrong.

Surprisingly, these are all my worries. Last year, I managed to make a friend out of almost all my classmates. I managed to raise my hand in class despite my anxiousness. I managed to speak in front of the class with courage, no matter how much my knees shook. If I hadn't pushed myself to do all of these things, I might be worried about them until today. So, to make up for all the negative energy in this list, I'd like to pat myself on the back for conquering some of my biggest worries of all!