this-ones-just-for-me

[this-ones-just-for-me]

I was wrong in a lot of the ways I treated him. I was young. I was mentally ill. I was manipulative. And although none of that is an excuse for my behavior, he was my heart and soul. He was the blood in my veins and his venom courses through them still.

A piece of my soul died the day I realized he had moved on. That was nearly two years ago. The last time we spoke - just over a month ago now - will be the last time we will ever speak. And that was my choice. I am proud that I finally stood up for myself against his narcissism; his toxicity. Mentally, I am healthier than ever. I've found worth in myself again.

But even though he's physically gone, he's still with me. I can't escape. Part of me will always want to go back to him. The piece of my soul that died will always belong to him, and although I'll deny it aloud, I know that I'll always feel empty without that piece.

[this-ones-just-for-me]

I relate so deeply to so many of Halsey's lyrics it's pathetic. And I'm so conflicted for all of the wrong reasons. I give everything and get bare minimum in return.

"You say that you're no good for me cuz I'm always tugging at your sleeve... My ghost, where'd you go?"

"Boy you make it look so easy. 'Promise that I'm gonna call you back in 5. Sorry baby girl but I can't tonight.'"

"Cuz you know the good die young, but so did this, so it must be better than I think it is."

"We're not lovers. We're just strangers."

"Would've traded all for you. So tell me how you move on."

"Never pick up, never call me. You know we're running out of time. Never pick up when you want me."

"All I'm saying is if you don't love me no more then lie."

"I'm about four minutes from a heart attack, and I think you make me a maniac. But you don't know. Two years and we in between. But we both been here since we seventeen...damn, if walls could talk. Well, they'd be like 'shit is crazy, right? That ain't your baby no more.'"

"Oh, I hope hopeless changes over time."

[this-ones-just-for-me]

i think we both got too comfortable in the way we fell together again. all it took was that one moment of carelessness from both of us to have the walls between us crumble. i wonder why you’ve built them back up again., just as if months ago the space between us was nearly nothing. i think you stopped kissing me because you got a little scared. the way we stepped back into who we once were, yet with more knowledge of ourselves, it was all so easy. i could tell by the way your breathing changed that you missed the way i kissed you; the way our breathing harmonized. i missed the way your eyes couldn’t keep themselves off of me, observant of my eyes changing color or the curve of my shoulders. i think we both missed the way we looked at each other. so much that you’d find yourself blushing while i didn’t even touch you. so much that i would have to look away from getting too nervous. so much that you’ve kept your distance, because the inevitable danger of it all is enough panic for the both of us.

[this-ones-just-for-me]

You suck

[this-ones-just-for-me]

I haven't wanted to die on such a consistent basis in literally months.

[this-ones-just-for-me]

I just keep asking myself when are you going to disappear again.

[this-ones-just-for-me]

I'm wondering if you're going to tell me the truth. Because I already know. I'm just waiting for you to tell me.

[this-ones-just-for-me]

"Oh I hope

hopeless

changes over time."

Halsey, "Hopeless"

[this-ones-just-for-me]

I hate that I can't stay mad at him.

[this-ones-just-for-me]

What if it doesn’t get better? What if I just continue to exist in this life? I’m so sick of hearing “you’ll be okay” because those words now mean nothing to me. I have no idea how no one in my life has given enough of shit to try to shake me out of this, but assume I’ll just be fine because I always pull myself out of it. I’m not fucking fine.

[this-ones-just-for-me]

I ate too much today. Too much for breakfast - I had several bites of food over the course of a few hours. So I skipped lunch. For dinner I should have had one ravioli instead of two, or better yet just a carrot. I'll do better tomorrow.

[this-ones-just-for-me]

I feel better now. I'm hurt. I miss you. I want you to want to be in my life. But I feel better because at least I was told what was going on. It's not that hard to send a two second text to keep me in the loop. Especially when the alternative is me spending hours and hours tryin to keep my anxiety under control only to fail miserably and do something crazy.

[this-ones-just-for-me]

[this-ones-just-for-me]

Why am I always the one waiting

[this-ones-just-for-me]

I do so much better with communication. Just talk to me and let me know what's going on in your head. Even if it might upset me. It's better than being in the dark. Because the dark I'm kept in brings out the dark inside of me.

[this-ones-just-for-me]

If you wanna know how I'm feeling, just listen to "11 blocks" by Wrable.

[this-ones-just-for-me]

Driving past your street is so much harder when I know you're home